Ideas on how to keep from going back?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So this has been going on for two years. I'm a 33-year-old single dad. SHe is a 28-year-old single mom. I don't have the energy to tell my full story here, but I'm sure you guys can kind of guess how the story might go. Fresh out of divorce, sign up for online dating, attractive woman messages me, we go out, she is head over heels for me. Absolutely incredible sex and the most fun person to go out and do things with. Things go at the speed of light. Few months down the road - red flags everywhere. Lying, staying in contact with exes, cheating,stealing my prescriptions, finding her in financial ruin, mood swings, yada yada yada. I don't put up with it. I break up a billion times and say " this isn't acceptable - hit the road". She bombards me with text... sometimes 80 something text without a reply. Emails. I block her one way, she finds another.

She is very intelligent and knows how to make a good "Fishing" email.

I fall for it. I know something is wrong. I research why someone would sabotage something so great. BPD comes up. Get her to go to therapy. SHe is officially diagnosed. I'm supportive, but she lies about going to therapy and tells me her therapist would say things a therapist would never say etc... .

Anyway, I don't think the background story is that important. She is toxic and even though I might feel that I love her and I loved the good times we had, the bad times were far more common and I ended up just being a mess.

So why do I occasionally fall for her fishing emails and unblock her, only to have another month or so of it - then come to my senses and bail out again. It's like I have an addiction to crack... .

She will always try to fish me back in... .she will never stop. A few days ago she was texting me from another number telling me about how her date was over at her apartment etc... .obvisouly trying to invoke jealously.

I tried to block her emails from gmail - but they go into the spam folder and I can read them if I click on it. I had to write a custom application script that would scan the folder and permanently delete them so I couldn't read them.

So now after I block her for good ( again ) I'm feeling relief but at the same time a certain sadness. I've been through this before and eventually I will get excited with my life again and start dating, doing more things with my kids, and working on projects I enjoy. It's because I recently had a week long texting spree with her that zapped the life out of me. I go back and read the text and they are crazy. It gets to the point where I'm sounding just as crazy as she is before I say enough.


So I'm rambling here. What I'm trying to ask from you guys is: How do I resist the urge to unblock her and reply back. I can go for months without doing it but sometimes I just give in. I don't want this.

The best sex and fun nights out are not worth living in paranoia and stress trying to predict what I'm going to be dealing with. I know eventually, the idealization will stop. It has done this before. I think she is more attracted to me because I'm a bit on the dominant side when it comes to putting my foot down and cutting her lose. I never tolerate her crazy behavior - but that doesn't stop her from doing it again. I know she isn't evil. I know deep down she is just a hurt child looking for love - but that's what her emotional capacity is as well too - that of a child.

I want my life back. I want my second chance of having a companion in life. I don't want to fall back into that emotional abyss. I never want to step on that rollercoaster again.

Help me not fall back into that trap.

[SuperJew82]

So this has been going on for two years. I'm a 33-year-old single dad. SHe is a 28-year-old single mom. I don't have the energy to tell my full story here, but I'm sure you guys can kind of guess how the story might go. Fresh out of divorce, sign up for online dating, attractive woman messages me, we go out, she is head over heels for me. Absolutely incredible sex and the most fun person to go out and do things with. Things go at the speed of light. Few months down the road - red flags everywhere. Lying, staying in contact with exes, cheating,stealing my prescriptions, finding her in financial ruin, mood swings, yada yada yada. I don't put up with it. I break up a billion times and say " this isn't acceptable - hit the road". She bombards me with text... sometimes 80 something text without a reply. Emails. I block her one way, she finds another.

She is very intelligent and knows how to make a good "Fishing" email.

I fall for it. I know something is wrong. I research why someone would sabotage something so great. BPD comes up. Get her to go to therapy. SHe is officially diagnosed. I'm supportive, but she lies about going to therapy and tells me her therapist would say things a therapist would never say etc... .

Anyway, I don't think the background story is that important. She is toxic and even though I might feel that I love her and I loved the good times we had, the bad times were far more common and I ended up just being a mess.

So why do I occasionally fall for her fishing emails and unblock her, only to have another month or so of it - then come to my senses and bail out again. It's like I have an addiction to crack... .

She will always try to fish me back in... .she will never stop. A few days ago she was texting me from another number telling me about how her date was over at her apartment etc... .obvisouly trying to invoke jealously.

I tried to block her emails from gmail - but they go into the spam folder and I can read them if I click on it. I had to write a custom application script that would scan the folder and permanently delete them so I couldn't read them.

So now after I block her for good ( again ) I'm feeling relief but at the same time a certain sadness. I've been through this before and eventually I will get excited with my life again and start dating, doing more things with my kids, and working on projects I enjoy. It's because I recently had a week long texting spree with her that zapped the life out of me. I go back and read the text and they are crazy. It gets to the point where I'm sounding just as crazy as she is before I say enough.


So I'm rambling here. What I'm trying to ask from you guys is: How do I resist the urge to unblock her and reply back. I can go for months without doing it but sometimes I just give in. I don't want this.

The best sex and fun nights out are not worth living in paranoia and stress trying to predict what I'm going to be dealing with. I know eventually, the idealization will stop. It has done this before. I think she is more attracted to me because I'm a bit on the dominant side when it comes to putting my foot down and cutting her lose. I never tolerate her crazy behavior - but that doesn't stop her from doing it again. I know she isn't evil. I know deep down she is just a hurt child looking for love - but that's what her emotional capacity is as well too - that of a child.

I want my life back. I want my second chance of having a companion in life. I don't want to fall back into that emotional abyss. I never want to step on that rollercoaster again.

Help me not fall back into that trap.

[heartandwhole]

SuperJew82,

You might try to think back to the times when you "fell off the wagon." What was happening in your life? What were you feeling around that time? How were things going in different parts of your life?

You may find that at moment of stress, loneliness, grief, boredom, etc., you start to gravitate toward thinking about your ex and the times you had. Or contact from her touches something in you (a need, a desire?) that you may have been ignoring.

In times of stress, it's human nature to go back to what is familiar. Even if it was painful. Do you think this might have been a factor?

heartandwhole

[LoveLostHeart]

SuperJew82,

I can not tell you how to resist the urge. I am just in really NC for 3 days where I actually blocked her myself. This is the first time I blocked her and actually trying to end this thing and trying to let go of any hope.
Nevertheless, the hope is still there. I miss her so much. Same as you probably do.
All I can do at this moment is saying I feel the same, and I have a really hard time not to unblock her.

But what would we get out of unblocking? I myself am not willing to go back into a relationship with her because things will not change. If I try to rationalize, I have tried this many times before, and they never changed. Was that the same for you? Do you think you have tried everything to make this relationship work?

With the answers in mind, you can maybe resist yourself to unblock her. As you said; unblocking her and being in contact with her will make your pain worse. Did you ever think of why you have such a strong urge to unblock her from time to time?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi SuperJew82,

Letting go is really hard and you are being real with yourself about how she manages to win you back, so that's a great start.  It sounds from your post like you really mean to steer clear this time.  Could you identify what has been the main thing that has brought you to this point and caused you to want to break the cycle?  This might be something to remind yourself of when you find yourself struggling to stick with the NC.  You could write this down and keep it with you.  Perhaps you could come up with a positive affirmation that really resonates with you and keeps you in the present? 

If you're looking for something practical that you can control and get in front of an attempt to rekindle with, how about changing your phone number?  It is inconvenient as it means notifying people, but would also be a way to show yourself that you mean business and be a step that you could take pride in for the resolve it requires.

One of the things I did was to get busy.  I mean really really busy.  With things that were about rebuilding my life and giving myself a more positive future.  Taking courses, signing up for groups, learning new skills, investing in myself and taking time to look at my weaknesses and work towards making improvements.  Picking up on hobbies and pastimes that you enjoy, reconnecting with friends and loved ones, spending time with family, setting goals and aiming for achievements you've long aspired to.  These are all things that can fill your life with joy and help you to be less likely to want to return to a dysfunctional relationship.

heart asks some good questions.  Can you identify what specifically it is that draws you back in when she makes contact with you?  What longing does she tap into?  Is there a pattern?  This might tell you something that you can work on in the future to ensure that you do not head into another disordered relationship unwittingly.

Love and light x

Love and light x   

[SuperJew82]

I think you guys are asking the right questions and pointing out very integral points of interest here, along with some sure-fire ways to keep your head on straight.

It's harder than I thought it would be to break down what happens in my head. So say we are together, things are great, we go to concerts, baseball games, people are just drawn to us and we have so much fun. Things are good for awhile but the destructive habits come back and I say never again. I write a heartfelt email to her saying how I will always love her but we cannot be and I'm doing this for our own good. I tell her that this cycling is just hurting her worse and breaking me down further. I encourage her to stay in therapy and tell her that she is worth focusing on, etc etc.

I can usually block her for a month or two.

Then something happens... .It can be anything. Last time I had a really bad leg infection from a spider bite and I was out of it in the hospital and she managed to reach out to me. She then went into " rescue mode " and before you know it she was back in my life before I realized what the hell was going on.

She has multiple degrees and is very cunning so her methods of coming back into my life are never the same and they adapt depending on the opportunistic situation.

I do love her - but she is reckless, especially in the face of abandonment and when she is out of my radar. SHe has done some crazy stuff.

If this was a halfway normal situation I could easily keep her blocked.

This hasn't been the first time it's happened so at this point my feelings are a lot more muted and I'm thinking much more rational. At first it was pure hell. We recycled so many times... .must have been a dozen. I feel for anyone during the initial breakup cycles, those are the tough ones. Those are the ones that rip your freakin heart out of your chest and make you cry yourself to sleep.

I'm going to guess sometimes being a single dad and trying to get on the dating scene is just exhausting and you know there is instant gratification just an email or text away. Because when you do reach out to them and reunite, it will be awesome... .at first - but the price is way too high to pay.

-rh

[hope2727]

I treated it like an addiction. One day at a time. My friend gave me the little plastic circles from inside the lid of pop bottles as 'chips' for each day i resisted contact. I also had 'sponsors' that I had to call before I could speak to him. They always talked me off the ledge.

[Angel3287]

I treated it like an addiction. One day at a time. My friend gave me the little plastic circles from inside the lid of pop bottles as 'chips' for each day i resisted contact. I also had 'sponsors' that I had to call before I could speak to him. They always talked me off the ledge.

Hi SuperJew (Great name!)

Hope2727's advice I think is the best - treat it like an addiction. Love can be a "drug" for partners, too, so detaching will feel like withdrawal for awhile. I'm there with you but each day gets better with NC... .and I know NC is hard too.

How not to go back? I think the best way is to love bomb yourself for a bit. I've been working out a lot and trying new activities that I find interesting to keep that endorphin rush going, but in a good & healthy way. It sounds silly but have some great one-on-one dates with yourself will do a world of good.

Give it a try!

[blueblue12]

Hey Super Jew,
Great advice from Angel here, look after yourself and stick to NC. Like you I was also addicted to my ex, but I know there is nothing good there for me, so after a nine month separation with one recycle I have stuck to NC and have replied politely to her round about monthly text, call or email asking for 'something', usually silly stuff, but apart from a short reply I have stayed strong and have not initatiated any contact. I love her and miss her and think about her daily but deep down I know there is nothing good for me there any longer, just more pain. The derailment of our marriage was atrocious and I tried and tried during that time to fix things to no avail she was set on destroying it all. It is a sad position to be in, I understand it well, keep strong and well my friend.

[SuperJew82]

Hope,angel, raul - That is some awesome advice. I signed myself for an online therapist and I joked about the addiction analogy. I said I should have one of those sobriety tokens for the 30 day mark and so on.

It's a hard addiction. I have never been addicted to substances, but I think I might understand how hard it is. At least an alcoholic doesn't have the beer or whiskey bottle chasing or stalking them down though - so this might be harder!

Raul I know exactly what you are talking about. I love her so much as well, but I love myself and my girls more. If not for myself I should do it for my little ones. I have shielded them from all the recycles - but when my mind is frazzeled and I"m addicted to my smartphone, I'm a poor engineer, friend, and father.

I know the high from the drug will wear off and then I will be stuck in the cycle of abuse and then the crash will hit again. I wish she will get better and I hope that maybe I showed her a way to help herself - but I'm not responsible for her and I'm not her caregiver. The reality is that she will always have these traits and any relationship with her is going to be a certain degree of hell.

So after this last NC from about a week ago I'm just getting over the bluesy stage. People usually associate me with my goofy sense of humour but I'm now just kind of robotic these past few weeks. I tried doing the online dating thing for a distraction but my heart wasn't into it at all. I do think I'm going to follow your advice and start marking some of my to-do projects out of the way and maybe volunteer.

I just cannot do it. I can't.

I want to make SuperJew82 great again!

[Rayban]

SuperJew82,

You might try to think back to the times when you "fell off the wagon." What was happening in your life? What were you feeling around that time? How were things going in different parts of your life?

You may find that at moment of stress, loneliness, grief, boredom, etc., you start to gravitate toward thinking about your ex and the times you had. Or contact from her touches something in you (a need, a desire?) that you may have been ignoring.

In times of stress, it's human nature to go back to what is familiar. Even if it was painful. Do you think this might have been a factor?

heartandwhole

This rings true to me. You have to figure out what the pattern is, and then break it. Look back and try to figure out what was going on in your life when you accept to rengage. Everytime that urge comes up you'll find a common denominator. That's what you have to eliminate whatever that is for you.

See this as a battle and everytime you resist you gain strength and confidence from doing the right thing not only for yourself but for her to.

I believe most of us on this are enablers. We feed the disorder. Specifically by giving them the control to drag us back in even after being fully aware of the damage the relationship has caused.

I think she is more attracted to me because I'm a bit on the dominant side when it comes to putting my foot down and cutting her lose. I never tolerate her crazy behavior - but that doesn't stop her from doing it again. 

Once again this is just enabling. Of course she'll do it again and again and again AS LONG AS YOU KEEP ON LETTING HER DO IT . Remember this is not about you this about her getting validation and attention everytime you choose to engage with her. You putting down temporarily only to go back is a special treat for her. You make her feel wanted, desirable and irissistable. Best believe shell be back for more.

You love her while she loves the validation you give her. Were merely replaceable objects to her. Each and every orbiter in her life thinks they're different  ... .they really aren't.  Ultimately once you accept this you'll have the motivation to have her go seek her validation somewhere else. She'll maybe hit rock bottom one day and get the help she needs, if guys like you and me stop feeding the beast.

My brother once told me "you do realize that she's doing this with multiple guys at a time. What makes you think you're so special to her?"

Thinking about the number of guys and maybe women too that she's been intimate with. All the one nighters, exes, friend orbisters that she's had sex with  ... .and I feel disgusted with the thought of wanting to be with her.  Is this the type of woman you want to have in your children's lives?

I think it's to easy to blame them and their disorder.  The hard part is fixing what's wrong with us. I know there are people who love and respect themselves enough not to want anything to do with them . Yet despite knowing about the misery they cause, we delude ourselves by going back for another ride on the roller coaster.



 
 

[SuperJew82]

You are absolutely right Rayban, but I'm not blaming her.

I know the problem is with me. I'm not asking " How could she do this " or " Why does she do these things" or anything of the sort.

The problem is with me.

Do I have a fear of being alone? What about never finding a woman as exciting as her? Once you get a taste of the "BPD" high are we becoming hooked?

What makes me as successful as I have been is that I do know what I want. I want a companion in life, maybe someone to compliment my family. In order to have a chance of that, I do need to get off the rollercoaster and get my stuff in line. It would be so much easier if she didn't try to fish me back - that's why I need more deflection skills. She will find a way to fish for me no matter how many methods I block her on. I wish I felt like dating so I could give my attention to a healthy relationship, but I just open up match and stare blankly at it for a min and close it down.

So I just need to get out of the slump and start working on my own self I suppose. I hope this slump passes pretty soon.

[hope2727]

Forget a 30 day chip I gave myself one hour chips for the first while.

Look up the concept of EGO Depletion and learn about it. This will help you understand why you have these weak moments when you are ill or overwhelmed. ITs helped me big time to understand my own weak moments (yes I still have them).

Having said that get a physical paper calendar and a red felt. X off every day and look at it. As the red piles up you will see how far you have come. At the end of each week write down small rewards and the end of each month larger ones. Mine were expensive ice cream weekly and new clothes items monthly.

I also wrote out a 911 plan for the urge to contact. It included a list of break up buddies I had to call first, a handwritten list of all the lousy things he did that I read out loud, a picture of me smiling and healthy from before him, smarties (candy covered chocolates), a can of diet cola, and some other random stuff. It helped me in weak moments. Try it I swear it helps.

Also read "ITs called a breakup because its broken" a hilarious and easy read that is well worth the time.

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy Author: Greg Behrendt Publisher: Harmony; Reprint edition (September 5, 2006) Paperback: 288 pages ISBN-10: 0767921968 ISBN-13: 978-0767921961

[SuperJew82]

I love your ideas, but I kind of find buying a book labeled as " The smart girl's breakup buddy " to be slightly emasculating for a dude like me. I'm in no way feminine! Well not on the outside at least. I cried when I took the girls to see the new Cinderella... .This site is anonymous right? :P

[hope2727]

The book is coauthored by a man.  its pretty hilarious.

[SuperJew82]

Yea, but look at the cover!

I'm only going to download it on my kindle :P

[blueblue12]

Super Jew,
How was your ex with your girls? I can tell you that mine was extremely jealous of my son, it was terrible. She would start arguments about him all the time, she would event get to the point of saying "you love your son more then me" she could not understand the love I have for my son is different, it is father and son, not a romantic relationship. It was hell at times. I had to endure that right through my ten year relationship with her.

[SuperJew82]

So that is an interesting subject. So at the time my girls were 3 and 6. I have them full time and their grandma does help me out from time to time. SHe had a 2 year old boy.

She knew I would not tolerate any negative actions in our environment including discussing sensitive matter, yelling, or anything the kids could even remotely consider "bad". I might make stupid choices, but I'm the protective bubble wrap for them. They never saw her after the first boot from me. All the recycles were done without the kids knowledge. I told the kids that she missed them but she had to go work for a far away hospital that needed her.

With me being very protective of my girls, anyone who knows me not to even think about saying anything to them that might be hurtful. I have raised these girls on my own, and they are the only people I really live for.

 However, she would always say my 6-7 year old would never like her and I often felt that she resented her in the back of my mind. I had this gut feeling that she was threatened by her for some reason - but I dismissed it, as it never manifested into anything more.

[SuperJew82]

She knew that if she were to say something detrimental about my kids, I would automatically give her the boot - and reassure her that she WAS right. I do love my girls more than her.

This is why is gone.  But yea, looking back - I feel that she felt my oldest was a bit of a threat to her.

There is a reason she didn't have any girl-friends. That was another red flag. I will never date anyone if she doesn't have at least a handful of good friends.

[Skip]

I think you are caught up in the fallacy of "no contact".

No contact is a tool, if necessary, to break off the day to day routine long enough for you to start detaching. That starts to happen at six weeks or so... .can take longer in some cases. But its a crutch, not a cure. If you don't set the leg and attend to it, but depend on the crutch for months and months, the crutch becomes the problem.

SJ, no blocking or software script or lead door is going to save you. Detaching is a function of the heart and mind.

You are absolutely right Rayban, but I'm not blaming her.

I know the problem is with me. I'm not asking " How could she do this " or " Why does she do these things" or anything of the sort.

The problem is with me.

Do I have a fear of being alone? What about never finding a woman as exciting as her? Once you get a taste of the "BPD" high are we becoming hooked?

It's you, of course.    You articulated the problem above,  "you love her". And add to this, that you have had a lot of deeply emotional sex with her, so you are "chemically bonded". Physiologically, sex is bonding. It's how we hold relationships together in tough times. In "BPD" relationships, there can be incredible intimacy and openness (non-sexual). You two really connect.  She is a nice person. You really like her.

You know she has complex issues. You lived through some of this with your ex wife. It's hard to let go of someone you love. It's hard for her, too.

And then there are possible ADHD traits that could be giving this all a boost - the increased feelings of longing to be accepted and to be loved as you are.

You could end this in a minute. You know that. Just say something that is deeply stinging. But it's hard to be hurtful to her and that is not your style (not mine either).

You could get a restraining order. But like the email scripts, you two will probably work around it.    

You could buy a book. You could award yourself chips. You two will probably work around that too.

So this is where you are. Too good to leave. Too bad to stay.

This is not a good place to be. For one reason, she will eventually build up enough resentment from the breakups and she will blow you off. When that happens, you'll be devastated. This limbo state that you are in is kind of a dead man's zone. There are no rules. A lot of members have gotten emotionally blown up here.

The only way out is to mentally pull yourself out. hope2727 mentions "chips". This was how she packaged her mental pull out. The chips are incidental, meaningless, per se'. What is meaningful here is that she found a way to discipline herself to break through her emotional connect - to detach. She found internal strength.

I didn't have chips. I did a "Forest Gump". I ran and ran and ran - miles and miles - with the conviction of an athlete training for the Olympics. I also vested myself in this place... .helping others. The running was also incidental, meaningless, per se'. What was meaningful is that I found a way to discipline myself to break through my emotional connect - to detach.

Other members will tell you their stories of inner strength.

We're here to walk with you... .but the first step is to reach deep down inside of yourself for strength.

[SuperJew82]

I'm digesting this right now... .And then sleeping on it for one more hour ( it's 6am). Ill have a few questions once I get out of zombie state and with coffee and MacBook. I think you are on to something big... .

[SuperJew82]

I think the detachment period is going to be sooner as this isn't my first time around. It's been a week and I have already noticed a more balanced state of mind. I feel not depressed but more of a little anhedonia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia

The issues with my ex-wife were vastly different. She just couldn't handle the stress of being a parent, self-medicated and disappeared, leaving me with my girls. Before we had kids, she seemed just fine. Not the most ambitious person ever but NOTHING like this.

I'm not sure how ADHD falls into it. I know I'm a bit ADHD.

I will not deny that. I broke down a few times and said really bad things to her. Like " F*** you for doing this to me " " How can you love someone and do this to them " " You are a wrecking ball " etc.

I've been thoughtful about 98% of the time, but I'm human and I lose it sometimes. It wouldn't matter what I said though.

I will not be devasted if she blows me off. I'm the one who has always put my foot down ( however temporary ). I have never initiated contact with her. My fault is that her fishing attempts are brilliant and persistent.

The whole goal is not to take the bait, ever. We all know that they will always reach out from time to time. I see stories all the time on the board that say " 7 years NC and then BAM "

I need to move on with my life. I need to start dating again. Maybe start things slow like having a coffee date or just simply hanging out with more friends.

I'm going to start going to the gym. I have to keep myself in motion. I will do this. I have this.

[chillamom]

Hi, SuperJew82,

As a wounded veteran of several recycles, all of which he initiated and I complied with, I agree with your idea of keeping busy.  I know that distraction seems like the rookie's way of dealing with things and the "Wisemind" techniques where you let the feelings and thoughts flow in and out and don't get stuck on them is better, but I guess I'm still too much of an amateur to be "wise."  I'm trying, but in the meantime I can appreciate how hard this is.

My relationship was nearly 9 years, with the last short recycle this past summer, when he guilted me back after a 5 month break up.  The stress from the situation had landed me in the hospital with a heart arrhythmia, and I refused to take any more chances with my health so I left. 

Since that very day in July, he has been charming hard….every day I get guilt inducing messages that go round and round in an endless circle of asking the same question to which I give the same response….NO.  I probably should go complete NC, but I've tried that before and the guilt it induced in me was just too extreme.  So, I have left myself open to the constant contact and have been doing my best to shut it down.  I don't know how long it will take him to get the message that I'm serious, because in the past I could be persuaded given even time and enough badgering.  The difference was that the last recycle almost killed me.  He doesn't perceive that in the least.

Make your reason for staying away far less dramatic than mine, please, and get the with busyness!  Good luck, it is unquestionably the hardest thing I've ever done, because for some inexplicable reason, I'm still attached and fighting like hell not to be.

[chillamom]

And one more thing, SuperJew82…... in my experience, the jealousy with the children does not end.  My girls are 28, and 20 (twins) and he was MANIACALLY jealous of my attention to them. Many bitter arguments about how I had to "love him as much as my kids and put him on equal footing".  My daughters were also witness to significant verbal and emotional abuse directed at me, and he shamelessly talked crap about the older one constantly.  This kind of deeply seated insecurity doesn't bode well for any "blended" situations for sure.  I was an absolute ass to think things would change.

[SuperJew82]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, and my heart goes out to you. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do  - and I have had to quite a few difficult things in my time.

I found that doing the little limited single reply messages to be counterproductive. I did the same thing for awhile but  they want all the attention they can get. They need it to sooth. If you think we are having it bad - they are having it 100x worse. I imagine something I would be afraid of like bungee-jumping from a tall building and getting that feeling when I somehow conjured up the idea that someone was going to abandon me. I probably would act the same as they would and look for backup plans and not think things though... .well maybe it would take more than bungee jumping but you get my point.  I honestly feel bad for her and wish I could just fix her but it's not my job and not even possible.

I had to find a way where I couldn't be tempted to even read her messages. She was only around my kids for about 4-5 months and was an RN with 12 hour+ shifts so my kids didn't get that much exposure. Most of the stuff that was done was behind my back - but yea even through the blinders, I could pick up on some odd animosity towards my then 6-7 year old daughter, but I kind of dismissed it as it was subtle.

There were so many odd things I overlooked, now that you remind me. She once gave me the silent treatment because I got mad at her for finding out she was texting  ( flirtatious ) her ex-bf. I swear to you I had honestly felt like I was in the wrong that I tried to make up for me getting upset and expressing myself ( keep in mind all confrontations never happen in front of kids ) .

[SuperJew82]

It took a couple of friends to validate that I was accepting things that I normally would never find acceptable.

I have to use the NC as my segway to a healthier me. There is no safe way to drop in and say "Hi, how are things" or "Let's have lunch" or even reply back to a text message.

As much as I would love to text her and ask her to come over so I can hold her in my arms again... .I know I'm in the fast lane to the rollercoaster.

This all has me thinking about what I really want in life. What would make me happy? It's easy to figure out what you do NOT want, but it's a little harder to figure out what you do want

I had a friend who I met on a dating site who also had to recover from a NPD/BPD ex... .we didn't have romantic chemistry but she ended up being a good friend who really enlightened me to about things I needed to improve on myself. I had no idea there were actual support groups with group sessions that met at least once a month in our city for people getting out or trying to deal with NPD/BPD relationships.

[SuperJew82]

chillamom - I'm sure he wasn't always like this. How long did it take him to reveal all his maladaptive habits? I'm curious. My BPDexGF (diagnosed) starting showing in about 3-4 months. Earlier than that probably but I overlooked a lot of little things.

I wonder if it would be healthy to make a timeline of all the things she did to me?

[confusedbloke]

SuperJew, your story is so similar to mine, apart from ex was extremely low-functioning.  I dont know if she knows what the meaning of work is... .  Incidentally, my background is an Engineer!

Just get out there, do stuff... .Salsa was good for me after my ex wife.  Meetup.com also worked.  I tend to like going out of my comfort zone, well not at the time, but once ive done it, I feel amazing.  If you go to a pub, just start talking to new people.  I'd built a life away from exBPDgf because she pushed me away on a weekly basis for at least 3 days, so the transition hasn't been as tough.  In fact it doesn't really feel that much different apart from I haven't got that gut wrenching, heart braking feeling of being devalued.  Who knew what she was up to on the days she ignored me.  Well I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Someone elses problem 

Raul, my ex was jealous of my 6 year old boy.  If i was playing with him, she would start to fondle me, entice me with sex so she could get my attention away from him... .And it worked... .  Utterly terrible.
She used to tell him off for the slightest thing.  Me and my ex wife are a solid unit with the kids and are very close and weve brought up 3 amazing, respectful, happy loving kids.  All exBPD wanted to do was use the stick and not the carrot.  I dont work that way and neither did my ex missus.

All I can say is, I'm feeling better and better everyday.  I had a wobble on today when she broke NC, but I'm back on track again now.  What I do now is nothing to do with her and vice versa!

[hope2727]

Hey just checking un to see how you are doing. I am saving my diet coke bottle top liners as chips for you. Did you read up o ego depletion? ITs an important concept to understand for everyone in life. Anyway hope you re doing better. I am having an ego depleted day and missing mine. I have a chronic pain disorder which is raging right now and that always makes me weak and lonely. However in honour of you I grabbed some good wine, am heating up a hot pack and planning a self care night of bad TV and worse food.  Make me proud I know you can do this.

[SuperJew82]

I'm alright... .My mind is just churning.I'll read up the ego depletion tomorrow. I hope the wine helps soothe over your ailments and the less-than-healthy food compensates you with a nice fuzzy relaxing feeling (:

I'm always a little afraid of being alone romantically. I kind of remind myself of the Michael Scott character from the office but with more social skills. :P

Thank you for checking up on me, things like that makes me feel a little better.

 I'm realizing there is so much more to my life than a relationship. There are so many other possibilities and things that could make me satisfied. My two daughters make me the most successful man alive. My little one, D5, is an aspiring mermaid who sings and dances everywhere she goes. The other one is turning 9. Great at math and is way too cunning for her own good. She lovvvesses baseball games. We always do the most awesome Halloween Birthday Party ever by turning our place into a haunted house. It's getting bigger and bigger each year! I should be focusing on things like getting ready for that. (:

Just an example of how dropping the tunnel vision helps us understand there is more going on in our lives.

(:

-sj

[Harley Quinn]

Hi SJ,

This is a really admirable perspective on things.  It's great that you have your wonderful family to focus on and can be grateful for and appreciate them, the positivity, fulfilment and joy they bring into your life.  I find gratitude is a wonderful way to soothe the spirit and help us to heal.  Sounds like you've plenty to be thankful for and to enjoy with your girls!  Yes, a haunted house bigger and better than ever before is a serious project to turn your attention to and I can't think of anything more fun    Take each day and make it memorable for you all.  Being present with your kids is a gift for all of you and will help you in ways you can't imagine over the course of time.  Enjoy!

Love and light x