Some advice...contact after 7 years

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

As you can see by the subject title my ex of 13 years contacted me by phone after 7 years NC.  To say I was shocked is an understatement but we spoke and it wasn't too awkward although I did feel some irritation when he started lamenting about past holidays.  He asked if I was well and healthy which led him to say he had been in hospital but it turned out OK... .I asked what it was all about and he didn't expand just said it was his age (he's nearly 59).

I have now received an email which pulled at the heart strings a little:

So I would just like to say ‘thanks’ for chatting with me. It’s a little clichéd to state that ‘a lot of water has passed under the bridge’ and our lives have ‘taken different directions’ and you may not thank me too much for raking up the past, but recently I have come to understand the unbearable shortness of life and I really couldn’t bear the thought of not ever talking to you or hearing your voice again – because when all the dust has settled, the years we spent are still very meaningful to me…... everybody knows that and I wouldn’t want you to be in any doubt. To try and say how much I’ve missed you over the years would just sound like another cliché so whatever you decide, I will always think of you as somebody extra special in my life and would want nothing but the very best for you….but now I’m beginning to sound like Whitney Houston so…….I will sign off before this reaches cringe factor five….

I wish you all the joy and happiness it is possible to wish you and will always remember you as the best friend I lost.…and miss the most

He's very good at doing this, and knowing how to stoke the emotions.  

I do not want any romantic involvement - there is no going back for me but I don't feel the need for us to have a no contact zone.  I just find it difficult to handle his, as he's put it, clichéd language.  It triggers me to going into ___ mode to be honest... .you know, special was I! - well it didn't feel like I was special , best friend! well you made me feel like I was absolutely nothing to you, let alone friend

I don't want to, and don't intend to answer this way but I also don't want him to think I've just accepted his above blah, blah and want to keep any necessary boundaries.

Any advice on the best way to navigate this would be appreciated

[sm15000]

Hi all,

As you can see by the subject title my ex of 13 years contacted me by phone after 7 years NC.  To say I was shocked is an understatement but we spoke and it wasn't too awkward although I did feel some irritation when he started lamenting about past holidays.  He asked if I was well and healthy which led him to say he had been in hospital but it turned out OK... .I asked what it was all about and he didn't expand just said it was his age (he's nearly 59).

I have now received an email which pulled at the heart strings a little:

So I would just like to say ‘thanks’ for chatting with me. It’s a little clichéd to state that ‘a lot of water has passed under the bridge’ and our lives have ‘taken different directions’ and you may not thank me too much for raking up the past, but recently I have come to understand the unbearable shortness of life and I really couldn’t bear the thought of not ever talking to you or hearing your voice again – because when all the dust has settled, the years we spent are still very meaningful to me…... everybody knows that and I wouldn’t want you to be in any doubt. To try and say how much I’ve missed you over the years would just sound like another cliché so whatever you decide, I will always think of you as somebody extra special in my life and would want nothing but the very best for you….but now I’m beginning to sound like Whitney Houston so…….I will sign off before this reaches cringe factor five….

I wish you all the joy and happiness it is possible to wish you and will always remember you as the best friend I lost.…and miss the most

He's very good at doing this, and knowing how to stoke the emotions.  

I do not want any romantic involvement - there is no going back for me but I don't feel the need for us to have a no contact zone.  I just find it difficult to handle his, as he's put it, clichéd language.  It triggers me to going into ___ mode to be honest... .you know, special was I! - well it didn't feel like I was special , best friend! well you made me feel like I was absolutely nothing to you, let alone friend

I don't want to, and don't intend to answer this way but I also don't want him to think I've just accepted his above blah, blah and want to keep any necessary boundaries.

Any advice on the best way to navigate this would be appreciated

[babyducks]

Hi sm1500

Welcome.  We talk about NC a lot here. Here is my two cents.

I think NC is very helpful in the beginning when emotions and hurts are still raw.   There are probably good reasons to allow for a cooling off period, to break the enmeshment, to grieve.

But some of us share children or work at the same place or have other reasons to see our Ex's.

People with the traits of BPD are impulsive in ways that are usually not helpful.   People with BPD have intense emotions that shift rapidly and are usually expressed in dramatic terms.   People with BPD have porous boundaries, meaning sometimes they will come across what is appropriate.   That's him being him.

and it has nothing to do with you.    I don't mean that to sound harsh.    it really has a lot do about him and nothing to do with you.   he has had some medical experience that has rocked him, he is having strong feelings and has the need to off lift them, to do something about them so he reaches out to you.   

as people with BPD do, it's all or nothing thinking,... .either everything was wonderful or everything was horrible , and right now he seems to be in how wonderful things were.   

which of course might make you want to     because once again as often happens, your feelings, your hurt, your memories, your reality are not being recognized.   often in a BPD relationship their wants and needs come first, and that's not fair.

my two cents is let it sit for a while, a couple of days.   if you want to answer then go ahead.   I would suggest you avoid any attempt at JADE,  justifying, arguing, defending or explaining... .because that never works.    your reality and his are not going to match, that's why the relationship didn't work.   

hope this helps

'ducks

[Rayban]

the years we spent are still very meaningful to me…... everybody knows that and I wouldn’t want you to be in any doubt   

I think these few words say so much. It's manipulative.  In a sense he's trying to skew your perception of the relationship.  Everyone knows that, but he doesn't want you doubt?

What would remaining in contact with him bring you? Even if you don't want to be romantically involved with him, he might see things differently.  What will end up happening with every contact  (letter, email, text etc) you are allowing access to your head. Before you know it, you'll be thinking about him 24/7.

Thank him, wish him well and move on.

[Skip]

Welcome.  We talk about NC a lot here. Here is my two cents.

I think NC is very helpful in the beginning when emotions and hurts are still raw.   There are probably good reasons to allow for a cooling off period, to break the enmeshment, to grieve.

babyducks is right on here. After this cooling off period, NC becomes more about avoidance and fear and if it continues, the catalyst of resentment and failure to truly move on.

Now the end of NC is not running out and making contact... .it's about learning from the relationship and moving forward in life with more directions and conviction.

People with the traits of BPD are impulsive in ways that are usually not helpful.   People with BPD have intense emotions that shift rapidly and are usually expressed in dramatic terms.   People with BPD have porous boundaries, meaning sometimes they will come across what is appropriate.   That's him being him and it has nothing to do with you.    I don't mean that to sound harsh.    it really has a lot do about him and nothing to do with you.  

This is probably true, however, it's probably true about all of us. What we do is about us, too.  

I asked what it was all about and he didn't expand just said it was his age (he's nearly 59).

I would believe this is it. It's certainly age and situation (hospitalization) appropriate for anyone.

In a sense he's trying to skew your perception of the relationship.

Maybe , Rayban. It could also just be his perception, 7 year out.  Remember, the perspective of a person leaving a relationship is different than the person left behind... .the leaver often wonders, years later, if they made a mistake, we're hasty, destructive, etc.  And seven years is a lot of time to "repackage" our memories as we all do. This could be that this is "his memory of the you" as he looks back. He's telling you that he remembers the good things you were in his life (remember, abandonment and engulfment issues are not at play seven years later) and that looking back at his life, you were a positive chapter.

If it was me, I'd embrace this. It's vindication. It's closure - he sees the good in you he would not tell you/show you before. Feel good about it. 

The most positive outcome for you is to wrap up this relationship experience and hurt by in your heart knowing that he realizes that he didn't appreciate you or the relationships as he should have and he now realizes it and he is letting you know.

I would just be careful misread this as an opportunity to reconnect. I would not send out any probes in that direction. He may have some fantasy and that's OK... .its not harmful unless you engage it. But from all you have learned, you know it's best to leave this as distant admiration.

[hope2727]

I know this sounds harsh but this whole letter sounds like a giant pity party to me. So does the phone call in truth. Its all about "me me me for pitiful victim me".

Someone who has hurt you that deeply should have the decency to leave you alone. Even 12 step programs insist that amends be made only if will cause no further harm. His contact was for selfish reasons. He is engaging FOG (fear obligation and guilt) to pull on your heart strings.

I understand the urge to believe he thinks like we do but he doesn't. My counsellor said the sooner I stop expecting him to think like me the better off I will be.

Sorry hun. Hope that you are not to rattled by the contact. Just remember the hurt and shock of the relationship ending and how amazingly far you have come.

[once removed]

Just remember the hurt and shock of the relationship ending and how amazingly far you have come.

at seven years dont we want to let go of the hurt and shock of the relationship ending?

because when all the dust has settled, the years we spent are still very meaningful to me…... everybody knows that and I wouldn’t want you to be in any doubt

these are the statements of someone who sounds like he has made peace with what transpired; someone who feels its important to let you know his perspective and make peace.

he didn't expand just said it was his age (he's nearly 59).

theyre also the statements of someone who at that age, and having come out of hospitalization, is probably facing and considering their mortality, their regrets, whats important in life.

It's closure

it certainly can be. id probably sleep on it, maybe for a few days. but if it were me, id essentially mirror the response - "that time is meaningful to me too, i appreciate the thought you put into your message". no need to be too vulnerable there or say anything you dont mean if there are still hard feelings.

[sm15000]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply... .your comments have helped me a lot.

my two cents is let it sit for a while, a couple of days.   if you want to answer then go ahead.   I would suggest you avoid any attempt at JADE,  justifying, arguing, defending or explaining... .because that never works.    your reality and his are not going to match, that's why the relationship didn't work. 

Yes, I've sat on this for about a week now, mainly because I was on leave from work when he phoned and I dumped it for my time off.  Secondly, I unexpectedly had to deal with my 21 year old daughter's first heartbreak... .how ironic!  Thanks for pointing out not to JADE... .I think I have in the past, and could still, get caught up in a bit of this.

If it was me, I'd embrace this. It's vindication. It's closure - he sees the good in you he would not tell you/show you before. Feel good about it

Thank you.  Yes, don't worry Rayban... .I'm fully aware of his manipulation techniques, and of course he's thinking about himself at the moment... .something health wise has shaken him, and he's in reflective mode.  But that's OK, as Skip says he sees our time as a good chapter - that's the best I'm going to get.

these are the statements of someone who sounds like he has made peace with what transpired; someone who feels its important to let you know his perspective and make peace.

I think this is true - obviously he won't be able to give me the closure that I would like but this is the best I will get in making peace between us.
 
One thing I'm itching to answer is the fact that I don't need him to tell me that I was 'extra special'... .it irks me.

OK, I will reply today and use all the knowledge you have shared... .thanks again