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Author Topic: Am I too sensitive? Why does it always feel the good times won't be back?  (Read 377 times)
JoeBPD81
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« on: September 17, 2017, 06:40:02 AM »

Hi,

I read hundreds of stories and sometimes I feel I don't have it so bad. My GF doesn't drink, doesn't neglect her kids, doesn't abuse me physicaly, doesn't cheat, nor goes on a spending spree... .

But nonetheless, I feel beaten some times. I take care of this woman and her two troubled kids, and most days I'm treated as a nice neighbour who does them a favor but who is uncomfortable to have around. I feel I'm spending all my money and energy and good will and love, to anoy them, specially her. She doesn't have to abuse me to make me feel completely useless.

She talks a lot about how much her life sucks and how if she didn't have kids she would kill herself, and how she shouldn't have had kids, and how guilty she feels about that thought. I listen and listen, and I've told her a couple of times that the absence of any mention of me for weeks while talking about her life, hurts. It's not about me, but I'm supposed to make some difference in her life, I'm supposed to matter to her. Am I not? That  is not a welcome thought, of course. If it was just her and me, no kids, her life would be better, yes, but in the sense that she would be free to kill herself. Nice! I get it, but she is telling that to me, I'm supposed to not feel anything?

She thought I was handsome last night, we haven't had sex in a couple of months, not kissing, and maybe a brotherly hug once a week, reluctantly on her part. And today she texted me,while I was at home with her:

"I don't want to feel attracted to you... .It makes me feel vulnerable and out of control. I don't wanna feel attracted to someone that won't talk to me (I talk to her all the time, I have no life outside them. But it's mostly listening to her.)... .I can't help but feel miserable and insecure around you."

Then something about feeling less interesting than the TV. The tv issue is that I offer her to watch things she likes, because she is avoiding me, and it works as an icebreaker, we pause often and comment and talk, we often don't finish what we start watching and talk instead. Of course I am hesitant about our communication, about being rejected, about saying something that might upset her (more)... .So I also need the icebreaker. Maybe if the kids are busy and she's been ignoring me for an hour, I put on a football game, or whatever, just for not expending the whole day just waiting.

For one thing of the other, she's been distant, irritated or just shut down for the last 3 weeks. I manage to get her to talk to me once in a while, but can't get a positive day. I've seen and heard all of this before, and then things can go well for 2 weeks, as if nothing was said or thought. But why can't that knowledge give me comfort? Why can't I think "this will pass"? It feels like she doesn't love me. Even though she told me just last night (and she doesn't say that often). I get it that she gets scared when she says she love me of feels close to me. But this comes after 3 bad weeks, so my tank is almost empty.

A couple of days ago, my sister,who doesn't know anything about her BPD, told me "We (my other siblings and her) think she doesn't love you and... ." And we all know it is how it looks from the outside, but it hurts to hear it.

I feel really stupid. And then some days I see how much it costs her to work on our relationship, and that she does love me, and I feel bad for "demanding more". How can we stay hopeful? How can we not get affected by the things we know they don't really mean?

I'm so busy trying to understand how to make her feel better, that I don't understand my own emotions. Am I whiny and weak?
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2017, 08:17:13 AM »

Hi JoeBPD81,

I'm so busy trying to understand how to make her feel better, that I don't understand my own emotions. Am I whiny and weak?

I don't think you are whiny and weak at all. You are asking good questions and self-reflecting. That's important to do, especially when your relationship is taking so much energy.

When you say you don't understand your own emotions, do you mean that you don't think they are appropriate? For example, to feel "beaten" sometimes, or to feel hurt when your sister made that comment?

heartandwhole
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2017, 08:24:10 AM »

I mean I don't reflect and analize my own emotions as much as I do hers, or the kids. I do, more than before, but it's like while I'm healing from a wound I have to run to help someone else. I mean that I spend a lot of time thinking about how could I make their mood better, and I don't even think about what I like or want.

Like I said, I get in trouble for the TV, and I don't even ask to watch something I like, it's either for her or the kids. For instance, she got mad because the TV was on during lunch. But it was on because the kids ask for it, and she doesn't say no, I hate most of the cartoons they watch, it is torture for me to have it on, but I get lectured for it.

I didn't wonder if my emotions were appropriate, did you? should I?

Speaking about emotions language gets in the way, I would be more accurate in my own language, I think.  I wouldn't use the exact equivalent to "beaten" and "hurt". What my sister said made me sad. Because it's one thing that they think something is odd about my relationship, and that things at home are not perfect. And another thing is for them to think I'm in a loveless , abusive relationship. And knowing they struggle to say it to me and how to talk to me about it. Because I seem to not be aware, in their eyes, that I deserve to be happy and loved. But also because I feel I am in that kind of relationship sometimes, even if I understand the cause, I put up with things that would be considered abuse and that I wouldn't be capable of doing to someone I love (or even anyone).

But I know I'm not like everyone else. I don't get angry and say stuff that I don't mean. I could say incomplete things, and be misunderstood. I could think about something that if said outloud would be hurtful, and believe it in the moment, but even then, I don't say it. Because I know I don't wanna hurt that person. I've been like that all my life and I don't get why people are not like that. Why someone can say something hurtful that it is not going to do any good to anyone. So for me it is really a struggle to understand people getting mad, and saying things they will regret later. A part of me thinks that those things must be true at some level, or would go unsaid. And rationally I understand the process, and I see that is more than normal, it's universal, And it should mean less than what it means to me.

My GF says that if I say something she can do to make our life better, it is more insulting that if I say "you are an a--hole". I get the concept, but I feels alien to me. For her, the insult can be forgotten because it has no concrete meaning, but for me it is worse, because it has nothing constructive in it, it was said only to hurt (probably not, only to blow some steam).
 

----

Last part of the day was better. She cought a cold and she was resting, and she appreciated that I took care of things and that I was there talking to her and touching her head and holding her hand. I was puzzled about her letting me be affectionate, and about me wanting to be affectionate after feeling down that morning because of how she's been treating me. I guess I love her.
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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2017, 09:35:57 AM »

Hi JoeBPD81,

Excerpt
Because I seem to not be aware, in their eyes, that I deserve to be happy and loved. But also because I feel I am in that kind of relationship sometimes, even if I understand the cause, I put up with things that would be considered abuse and that I wouldn't be capable of doing to someone I love (or even anyone).

How long have you been unhappy for? I always thought of r/s's as having good times and bad times and to work through the bad times, for some people the bad times can't be over soon enough to get to the good times. I'm not saying this is your case, some people want to be happy all of the time, which is unrealistic I think. Has your family seen you unhappy for a long period of time?

Remember that one of looking at it is that it's something that you couldn't do to someone else, your gf is just wired differently, she has social impairments.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2017, 03:12:50 PM »

I didn't wonder if my emotions were appropriate, did you? should I?

Not at all! I thought they were very appropriate.

Speaking about emotions language gets in the way, I would be more accurate in my own language, I think.

I think the words you chose were very descriptive and I thought they conveyed your feelings really well. I got that you were sad about what your sister said. I would have been, too.

But I know I'm not like everyone else. I don't get angry and say stuff that I don't mean. I could say incomplete things, and be misunderstood. I could think about something that if said outloud would be hurtful, and believe it in the moment, but even then, I don't say it. Because I know I don't wanna hurt that person.

You are not alone, JoeBPD81. I am like that, too. And I'm sure many of our members can relate to what you've described.

My GF says that if I say something she can do to make our life better, it is more insulting that if I say "you are an a--hole". I get the concept, but I feels alien to me. For her, the insult can be forgotten because it has no concrete meaning, but for me it is worse, because it has nothing constructive in it, it was said only to hurt (probably not, only to blow some steam).

Yep. That's how I would see it too. It seems your girlfriend and you don't see this the same, and that happens in lots of relationships. I think your value around not saying hurtful things has as much merit as anyone else's.


I mean I don't reflect and analize my own emotions as much as I do hers, or the kids. I do, more than before, but it's like while I'm healing from a wound I have to run to help someone else. I mean that I spend a lot of time thinking about how could I make their mood better, and I don't even think about what I like or want.

That makes sense, and I think a lot of us do this. In my experience, it ends up being pretty painful, as I kind of "lose myself" in the process. I can also end up resenting the ones I'm caring for, which is the last thing I want. It takes effort and practice to change long-standing patterns like the ones we've adopted. They were useful in our FOOs, but now they need updating.

What small step can you take to bring your attention back toward what you need and want, JoeBPD81?

It's important to stay in touch with yourself, and that can help the relationship, too.

heartandwhole
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