Looking for wisdom

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm in a bit of a struggle, I've been seeing this girl for the past two months, she has the diagnosis BPD in addition deep depression, I'm trying to talk to her about everything to understand better of what I can do and in the beginning it was all wonderful with only a few occasions where she had her emotions taking over. Because of previous relationships I've more or less learned how to act and what is expected of me, this is however a completely new experience and I am struggling with finding the "right" way. She has told me several times that she needs her space and I do respect this but in the end I've been seeking for emotional/physical contact a bit too much seeing it in hindsight. I love this girl and I want to do what would be the best for both of us. she is currently in a state where she feels nothing according to her. I'm afraid of every step I take will be the wrong one she tells me that the feelings are still there but I feel her resentment and body language says something different.
any words to a clueless person who only wants to be more understanding will be highly appreciated

[frosty89]

I'm in a bit of a struggle, I've been seeing this girl for the past two months, she has the diagnosis BPD in addition deep depression, I'm trying to talk to her about everything to understand better of what I can do and in the beginning it was all wonderful with only a few occasions where she had her emotions taking over. Because of previous relationships I've more or less learned how to act and what is expected of me, this is however a completely new experience and I am struggling with finding the "right" way. She has told me several times that she needs her space and I do respect this but in the end I've been seeking for emotional/physical contact a bit too much seeing it in hindsight. I love this girl and I want to do what would be the best for both of us. she is currently in a state where she feels nothing according to her. I'm afraid of every step I take will be the wrong one she tells me that the feelings are still there but I feel her resentment and body language says something different.
any words to a clueless person who only wants to be more understanding will be highly appreciated

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[frosty89]

I've always been in the opinion that I can do more or do better, she tells me that every case of BPD can be completely different so the best way is to ofc talk to her, my problem begins where I feel that she is not approachable and that I feel talking to her becomes hard but that also appears to be the wrong approach so currently I am just feeling that I need to learn more about everything.
I don't want to be the cause of her getting triggered no matter if she tells me that I am not the reason it is really hard to not start blaming yourself

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome ,

I'm sorry that you have been having difficulties in your relationship. Trying to naviage through a relationship with someone with BPD can be quite hard at times.

It sounds like your pwBPD may be feeling a little overwhelmed by your need for frequently physical touch? One thing that is important to remember in pwBPD that they have a desire for closeness but when things get too intimate, they will frequently run from that. IT sounds like your gf may be trying to say that things are getting too intense for her. When she tells you that she needs space, how do you respond to that? What is something that you could do to give her a little more space?

We have a lot of great tools on the right side of the page that will help you learn how to better communicate with your pwBPD. Here's one of our links to "Understanding Your Roll in the Relationship."

I can tell you that things can get better. My relationship is an example of this. Your pwBPD may want to begin making changes at some point, but right now, the only thing you can change is how you behave. This in turn can cause huge changes in how she reacts to you.

[frosty89]

In the beginning I don't feel like I handled it well, since this is a completely new experience for me I tend to fall into old habits i.e turning my eyes away and might look a bit disappointed. Right now I am honestly just trying to search for as much information as I can because I want to do better.

She has explained a lot to me in details of how she is i.e not pressuring her and giving her the space she needs and she will come to me whenever she wants the physical contact, so far this has been really hard for me to understand and I've more or less been testing the water by gently stroking her hands or some other subtle moves.
There is by far a lot of things I can do better and this is the reason for me searching whatever information I can.
When it comes to her need for space she more or less tells me to let her do whatever she wants and just take the time and wait, this also becomes hard because I feel like I am getting pushed away and it also makes me feel helpless like there is nothing I can do

I will try to read up on everything you have to offer on this website