Safe way to talk through symptoms of upwBPD with GP with upwBPD present

[nomotime]

Last couple of months has had some extreme ups and downs.  For a while I was on the extreme end of wanting to find a way to take my Son and run, but he's under 1 and he loves her - she's acting out in front of him sometimes at me, sometimes on her own but not at him and he is attached to her. That being said I caught a couple of moments of aggressive sarcasm slung his way, but they were fleeting and covered afterwards.  I of course would like to make sure this doesn't get any worse and second to that acting out at me as severely has she has been/does regularly is sure to have a negative impact on our Son's development and behaviour. 

It got so bad, as I mentioned before I set an ultimatum regarding therapy. So she agreed to this, she took steps but nothing really happened.  Now she's flipping in and out of self-awareness.  I'm trying to remember this is more positive than complete unawareness and at least therapy is in the air now.

What's strange for me is that very recently, she's accepted the possibility of BPD, specifically; I know you're not supposed to mention this, but I asked before I understood it better if anyone had ever mentioned it to her, so she knows what I think and will fire it at me when she's raging.  I can't always lie and say "no I don't think that", i just have to reassure that it's not an attack or an insult and no I'm not qualified to say anything for certain.  But now, in the midst of conversations about therapy, she's wanted to discuss what BPD actually is and also about whether she could not realise it's happening.  It was an odd feeling discussing this, didn't feel quite real.  She's decided, quite reasonably that I should come to the GP, where she needs to go to get a referral to explain what is happening, because she just tells them she's depressed and has anxiety and panic disorder, and the symptoms of these which are all true but don't paint the full picture.  Of course she may decide again tomorrow that there's nothing wrong or "If I have a problem then you have a problem".

After a dysregulation this morning where she spent half an hour shouting, insulting and ordering whilst being quite destructive to the house, all in front of our Son, I ended up losing my temper and shouted back (not in front of our Son, though I'm sure he would have heard).  I didn't return insults, I just became incredibly frustrated that validation was doing FA, I had a million things to do which I couldn't get on with, and I shouted about her behaviour and the disrespectful and inaccurate things she was saying about me.  She left the house.  She came back twenty minutes later, much calmer, apologised, seemed genuinely remorseful, aware that I'd been trying to clean up and make us both a nice breakfast at the time.   I took the opportunity to mention one clear moment from the incident, as an example she could tell the GP where I had been speaking to her calmly and reasonably, attempting to validate her feelings but asking her to calm down around the LO and she was responding by repeatedly, loudly telling me to shut up.  I asked if she agreed I was being reasonable at the time, she said Yes.  She agreed her response was bad and the LO would pick up these sorts of behaviours, which would also be bad.  Again, she asked me to come to the GP with her, so I could point out the things she's missing.

I'm happy to do this, but I'm concerned about any conversation where I explain what's happening coming across like an attack and this having negative implications when we come back home, both in term of dysregulation and trust.  Also, she wants to work on things for the sake of the LO, which is good but if she's so unaware that she can't communicate the issues, is she REALLY aware or is she appeasing me because she's concerned I'm going to leave.  If so is she going to get a diagnosis and more importantly, will therapy really help if she's not actually seeing the issues?

How might you handle this?  Should I go to the GP with her and if so how can I word things in such a way that doesn't risk a full scale rage when we get back?  Just came out of a massive period of heavy dysregulation spanning weeks which was so bad I had to uproot my home office to my parents house to get any work done.  I can't go through that again right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[teapay]

Went through similar we my wife.  Yes, you should go to GP meeting and honestly relate the details about what is going on and your fears of being dysregulated on just like you did in this post.  Despite being afraid of getting dysregulated on later, overcome your fear and start shining the light of day on all this stuff.   Don’t let the immediate fear of dysregulation prevent you from doing what is good for you and your family.  BPD is best handled by confronting it and not letting it running wild.  Put in place boundaries and consequences for dysregulations, such as calling cops, calling DCYS, calling EMS, seeking separation to protect yourself and hold you wife accountable for her behavior.  Share these possibilities during the meeting.  Document what is going on to protect yourself.  If you wife gets a referral to a mental health specialist, make your occasional input and demonstrated progress a requirement for your continuation of the relationship.  Continually push and pressure for your wife to get into traditional group/individual based DBT.  If successful, combined with firm boundaries and known consequences, it may help get rid of the more extremely dysregulations.

[nomotime]

Thanks very much for the advice.  Its very useful to hear from someone who has been through something similar.

Can I ask, how did it go for you? It sounds like you made some positive progress? Would that be a correct assumption?

[teapay]

Hard to answer that question succinctly.   Been married 14years and I'm several years into this, but when my W was starting to tank I had five kids under 9 years old, so I had to do something.  Since I started confronting the illness, my W has been stable of extreme behaviors for a couple of year now, but that took a few years of tackling them one or two at a time, starting with the most disruptive.  W still has distorted thinking, anxiety, depression, but is back to work full time.  There are some parenting issues that pop up now and then that I need to address, but otherwise her relationship with kids seems good.  The home is much more stable and financially secure.  I wouldn’t characterize the relationship as good, but my life is much better and I’m pretty happy.  My job, my kids and all the things I like to do keep me happy.  My W’s not too happy, but that is going to be the case regardless.  She is missing out.  Despite being unhappy, her life is pretty good, much better than it was before (she is lucky to be alive) and better than it would be if I didn't confront the problems.  She has the option to leave.

I greatly improved my life and the environment of our home by doing a few things:

1.    I placed my health (physical, mental) first and foremost, then my kids and their environment and lastly my wife.  If I’m compromised, then I’m a less effective human being and father.

2.   I shored up my own sense of self and used that stronger sense of self to be the compass of my life.  I use rational and common sense thought base on empirical reality in much the same way as other people who are successful at life.

3.   I came to the decision that if my marriage ended and my family dissolved I would be okay with it and somehow I’d figure it out if I had my head on straight.  Many other people have pulled the trigger on this and separate, and while painful for awhile, it has ultimately turned out well for them.  So ultimately this isn't a crippling worry.

4.   I started to implement and enforce boundaries.  This was a key to making things better for me and the family as a whole, but really not possible without doing #3, because the my BPD would like to push back to that point.  I figured, she would either adapt her behavior or blow up the marriage as typically happens if the Non does not cave.  Either way in the long run I’d be better of. 

5.  I also began to implement consequences and detach in response to bad behavior.  Validate, reconnect and encourage in response to good behavior.

6.  I starting shining light on what was going on to outside, documenting stuff if necessary.

7.  These boards might be helpful to you, but I started listening more to normal people who have successful and healthy lives (non-Nons), than to the nons on these boards, because in general most nons are stuck and pretty sick themselves.  There doesn't seem to be a lot of success among those who stay together.  I use these boards for ideas, for seeing what not to do and for advising other fathers married to women with BPD.  Anyhow, this your life and you know its details better than anyone else. It is really up to you to figure it out, however it goes.

[Tattered Heart]

Just curious, why are you going to the GP for this? I'm just wondering if the GP will even address the mental health issue since it cannot be treated with medication. Are you looking for a referral?

I agree with teapay. Your pwBPD may get angry later, but it's important to be honest about what is going on in your home. When she gets angry, just be sure to validate that she may be feeling embarrassed, out of control, or that she is being treated like a diagnosis and not a person. Then you can try to gently remind her that she agreed to sharing information with the doctor.