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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Moving on from the Chaos  (Read 565 times)
MJ 16

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: September 18, 2017, 11:48:17 AM »

Hi all...

I have been reading many posts on these boards for a few months now, much of what I've read has been extremely helpful in regards to very 'well informed' people who know a lot with BPD and the related traits.

I ended a very toxic r/s with a girl that has BPD/npd traits a little over 3 months ago. I have gone full no contact for a little over 2 months which hasn't changed.

It all started in July last year, this girl was in a r/s with a (now ex friend of mine)
It's still a blur as to how things escalated so quickly and intensely. She always said that she'd always fancied me etc etc. The first 2 months was not even really a 'honeymoon' period because we were 'stupidly' seeing eachother behind my 'then'
friends back. And because of that reason I kept feeling terrible about the situation
that I kept ending it between us because it wasn't right... she would always convince me that we should carry on, and that no one will find out.
I'm very aware that it takes 2 to tango, so I just felt roped into the seeing her again because she was so convincing and the passion and the attention from her was overwhelming, she's also a very attractive seductive girl which made it hard enough as it was!
Anyway, it was very intense for a while, in February things were slowing down a bit, but a more settled feeling on my part. Their were certain red flags that I should of picked up on but ignored them because I was falling for this girl.
I had an email from a very good friend warning me that I was 'being played' by my girl, I didn't know how to respond to it, think I was so wrapped in my girl that
I didn't respond to it... ( telling myself that my friend must have made a mistake)
So left it at that. Things started going downhill badly, she's drinking hell of a lot,
Going out and coming home much later than arranged. We start to argue a lot about this, so I leave her house to stay at my place (I moved in with her but still had my own place to go too) this happens many times over another 3 months.
She's turned very abusive with her words, taunted me with (getting back with her ex) just really nasty stuff that I couldn't believe I was hearing. Things were bad, she was always on Facebook, instagram, snapchat etc, I had a horrible 'gut' feeling that things aren't good, her phone 'never' left her side. When I approached her about always  on her phone... she always had an answer. But I knew my instincts were telling me otherwise.
I won't spare all the details here as it'll take forever to type, but I'm sure that all you guys reading this have heard this all before and know exactly what's happening here. We have a big fall out, I pack my stuff that I need a go home to 'cool off' she calls me at 2am asking where the hell am I... I'm at home I tell her...
can we please talk about this in the morning. She goes nuts and accuses me of having a girl with me (not true) threatens to drive to my place ( whilst still drunk)
I bang my door down... then threatens to call the police on me! And for what?
This happened 5-6 more times in the space of 4 weeks, she kept saying sorry, it won't happen again... push and pull is all that's happening.
I've had enough so I ask to talk with her because after I told my family what was going on the helped me find the courage to walk away. We talk for about 4 hours.
She's different in her ways (more scatty) not making much sense. Long story short I go to walk out the door... she's very distressed at this and doesn't want me to leave but I knew I had to otherwise it'll never get easier. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do, I was awful.
I mentioned the email that that 'friend' sent me which ignored... curiousity got the better of me and I called that person. Now this friend has nothing to gain or lose in telling me what I was told... my girl had cheated on me 4 times that I now know of, also 2 girls! Sending nude pics to a doorman and was on and off still with her ex whilst with me! Great news ( not) now this friend knew so much about dates, times, locations, it all fitted into place. When I confronted her as expected she denied all of it! Anyway 2 weeks pass and a withheld number calls me... its her, she needs to talk, ok what do you want I say? It's gone silent, then she starts to cry. I was Raped she said... I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but something was telling me that it was lies... her tears didn't sound like real tears. Apparently she went to a 'house party' but she didn't want to go but went anyway... she said her best friend (K) left her at this house with a couple guys, they were drinking, sniffing coke etc, then she said she took a 'Valium' (bearing in mind she doesn't want to be at this house) bs! Anyway, this is how I caught her out to be lieing... .
I said did you call the police? No she said, I say why not? She said the police won't believe me... ok... so I said to her, if I was a girl and my best friend (K) left me at a house that I didn't want to be in... I'd be really angry with (K) and probably would never speak to (K) again! So tell me I ask her... so (K) leaves you with this man in the house right... please tell me why you were out drinking with (K) 5 nights ago... .? You could here a pin drop... she then said from 'tears' to whatever and put the phone down. How f-ing evil is that? To play with my emotions to make me feel sorry for her and to give her sympathy! Ah you poor girl... tell me all about it there there... it's sick and I'm glad I caught her out.

What really gets my back up is that I still think about this poisonous girl and it's not fair on me... I've stayed no contact for 2 months now, it is getting easier but I feel pathetic for still thinking about her... is 3 months a long enough period of time?

A little feed back would be much appreciated.

This could of been a much longer article and I've missed a lot of awful things out
but I know most of the people here are very experienced in hearing posts like these.

Many thanks to you all

Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6198


« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2017, 02:56:08 PM »

Hey MJ, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  There's no particular timetable for recovery and everyone heals at his/her own pace, so don't beat yourself up!  Suggest you shift the focus back to yourself and your needs.  Treat yourself well.  Get back to the things you used to enjoy.  Strive to regain your sense of authenticity.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
MJ 16

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2017, 03:31:44 PM »

Hi all...

I have been reading many posts on these boards for a few months now, much of what I've read has been extremely helpful in regards to very 'well informed' people who know a lot with BPD and the related traits.

I ended a very toxic r/s with a girl that has BPD/npd traits a little over 3 months ago. I have now gone full no contact for a little over 2 months.

It all started in July last year, this girl was in a r/s with a (now ex friend of mine)
It's still a blur as to how things escalated so quickly and intensely. She always said that she'd always fancied me etc. The first 2 months was not even really a 'honeymoon' period because we were 'stupidly' seeing eachother behind my 'then'
friends back. And because of that reason, I kept feeling terrible about our situation
that I kept ending it between us, because it wasn't right... she would always convince me that we should carry on, and that no one will find out.
I'm very aware that it takes 2 to tango... so I just felt roped into seeing her again because she was so convincing, and the passion and the attention from her was overwhelming, she's also a very attractive, seductive girl which made it hard enough Than it already was.
Anyway, it was very intense for a while, in February things were slowing down a bit, but a more settled feeling on my part. Their were certain red flags that I should of picked up on, but ignored them because I was falling for this girl.
I had an email from a very good friend warning me that I was 'being played' by my girl, I didn't know how to respond to it, think I was so wrapped in my girl that
I did nothing. ( telling myself that my friend must have made a mistake)
So left it at that. Things started going downhill badly, she's drinking hell of a lot,
Going out and coming home much later than arranged. We start to argue a lot about this, so I leave her house to stay at my place (I moved in with her but still had my own place to go too) this happens many times over another 3 months.
She's turned very abusive with her words, taunted me with (getting back with her ex) just really nasty stuff that I couldn't believe I was hearing. Things were bad, she was always on Facebook, instagram, snapchat etc, I had a horrible 'gut' feeling that things aren't right, her phone 'never' left her side. When I approached her about always being on her phone... she always had an answer for it. But I knew my instincts were telling me otherwise.
I won't spare all the details here as it'll take forever to type, but I'm sure that all you guys reading this have heard this all before and know exactly what's happening here. We have a big fall out, I pack my stuff that I need to go home with and to 'cool off' she calls me at 2am asking where the hell am I? I'm at home I tell her...
can we please talk about this in the morning i ask... She goes nuts and accuses me of having a girl with me (not true) threatens to drive to my place ( whilst shes still drunk)
and bang my door down... then threatens to call the police on me! And for what?
This happened 5-6 more times in the space of 4 weeks, she kept saying sorry, it won't happen again... push and pull is all that's happening right now.
I've had enough so I ask to talk with her because after I told my family what was going on they helped me find the courage to walk away. We talk for about 4 hours.
She's different in her ways (more scatty) not making much sense. Long story short I go to walk out the door... she's very distressed at this and doesn't want me to leave but I knew I had to otherwise it'll never get easier. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do, it was awful.
I mentioned the email that that 'friend' sent me which i ignored... curiousity got the better of me and I called that person. Now this friend has nothing to gain or lose in telling me what I was told... my girl had cheated on me 4 times that I now know of, also 2 girls! Sending nude pics to a doorman and was on and off still with her ex whilst with me! Great news ( not) now this friend knew so much about dates, times, locations, it all fitted into place. When I confronted her as expected she denied all of it! Anyway 2 weeks pass and a withheld number calls me... its her, she needs to talk, ok what do you want to say? It's gone silent, then she starts to cry. I was Raped she said... I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but something was telling me that it was lies... her tears didn't sound like real tears... (if that makes any sense) Apparently she went to a 'house party' that she didn't want to go to, but went anyway... she said her best friend (K) left her at this house with a couple guys, they were drinking, sniffing coke etc, then she said she took a 'Valium' (bearing in mind she doesn't want to be at this house) bs! Anyway, this is how I caught her out to be lieing... .
I said did you call the police? No she said, I say why not? She said the police won't believe me... ok... so I said to her... if I was a girl and my best friend (K) left me at a house that I didn't want to be in... I'd be really angry with (K) and probably would never speak to (K) again! So tell me I ask her... so (K) leaves you with this man in the house right... please tell me why you were out drinking with (K) 5 nights ago... .? You could here a pin drop... she then said from crying'tears' to 'whatever' in a flash and put the phone down. How f-ing evil is that? To play with my emotions to make me feel sorry for her and to give her sympathy! Ah you poor girl... tell me all about it there there... it's sick and I'm glad I caught her out.

What really gets my back up is that I still think about this poisonous girl and it's not fair on me... I've stayed no contact for 2 months now, it is getting easier but I feel pathetic for still thinking about her... is 3 months a long enough period of time?

A little feed back would be much appreciated.

This could of been a much longer article and I've missed a lot of awful things out
but I know most of the people here are very experienced in hearing posts like these

Forgot to mention that 4 weeks after i walked away from her, she then went back to the (ex)  And still is to this day as far as I know. I know she's completly split me 'black' because she done the same to him when I was in a r/s with her.

Thankyou for reading... any help here is very welcome


Logged
MJ 16

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2017, 07:13:08 AM »

Hi all...

I have been reading many posts on these boards for a few months now, much of what I've read has been extremely helpful in regards to very 'well informed' people who know a lot with BPD and the related traits.

I ended a very toxic r/s with a girl that has BPD/npd traits a little over 3 months ago. I have gone full no contact for a little over 2 months.

It all started in July last year, this girl was in a r/s with a (now ex friend of mine)
It's still a blur as to how things escalated so quickly and intensely. She said that she'd always fancied me etc. The first 2 months was not even really a 'honeymoon' period because we were 'stupidly' seeing eachother behind my 'then'
friends back. And because of that reason I kept feeling terrible about the situation
that I kept ending it between us, because it wasn't right... she would always convince me that we should carry on, and that no one will find out.
I'm very aware that it takes 2 to tango, so I felt roped into the seeing her again because she was so convincing, and the passion and the attention from her was overwhelming, she's also a very attractive seductive girl which made it hard enough as it was already.
Anyway, it was very intense for a while, being constantly 'lovebombed' in February things were slowing down a bit, but a more settled feeling on my part. Their were certain red flags that I should of picked up on but ignored them because I was falling for this girl.
I had an email from a very good friend, warning me that I was 'being played' by my girl, I didn't know how to respond to it, think I was so wrapped in my girl that
I didn't respond to it... ( telling myself that my friend must have made a mistake)  Things started going downhill badly, she's drinking hell of a lot,
Going out and coming home much later than arranged. We start to argue a lot about this, so I leave her house to stay at my place (I moved in with her but still had my own place to go too) this happens many times over another 3 months.
She's turned very abusive with her words, taunted me with (getting back with her ex) just really nasty stuff that I couldn't believe I was hearing. Things were bad, she was always on Facebook, instagram, snapchat etc, I had a horrible 'gut' feeling that things aren't right, her phone 'never' left her side. When I approached her about always being on her phone... she always had an answer for it But I knew my instincts were telling me otherwise.
I won't spare all the details here as it'll take forever to type, but I'm sure that all you guys reading this have heard this all before and know exactly what's happening here. We have a big fall out, I pack my stuff that I need to go home with and to 'cool off' she calls me at 2am asking where the hell am I? I'm at home I tell her...
can we please talk about this in the morning I asked... She goes nuts and accuses me of having a girl with me (not true) threatens to drive to my place ( whilst she is still drunk)
and bang my door down... then threatens to call the police on me! And for what?
This happened 5-6 more times in the space of 4 weeks, she kept saying sorry, it won't happen again... push and pull is all that's happening with us now.
I've had enough so I ask to talk with her because after I told my family what was going on they helped me find the courage to walk away. So We talk for about 4 hours at her house...
She's different in her ways (more scatty) not making much sense. Long story short I go to walk out the door... she's very distressed at this and doesn't want me to leave but I knew I had to otherwise it'll never get easier. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do, It truly was awful. Not nice being emotionally blackmailed... ie - I will kill myself... amongst over things being said by her...
I mentioned the email that the 'friend' sent me which i ignored... curiousity got the better of me and I called that person. Now this friend has nothing to gain or lose in telling me what I was told... my girl had cheated on me 4 times that I now know of, also 2 girls thrown in the mix! Sending nude pics to a doorman, and was on and off still with her ex whilst with me! Great news ( not) now this friend knew so much about dates, times, locations, it all fitted into place. When I confronted her as expected she denied all of it! Anyway 2 weeks pass and a withheld number calls me... its her, she needs to talk, ok what do you want I say? It's gone silent, then she starts to cry. I was Raped she said... I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but something was telling me that it was lies... her tears didn't sound like real tears (if you get what I mean) Apparently she went to a 'house party' but she didn't want to go but went anyway... she said her best friend (K) left her at this house with a couple guys, they were drinking, sniffing coke etc, then she said she took a 'Valium' (bearing in mind she doesn't want to be at this house) bs! Anyway, this is how I caught her out to be lieing... .
I said to her did you call the police? No she said, I say why not? She said the police won't believe me... ok... so I said to her, if I was a girl and my best friend (K) left me at a house that I didn't want to be in... I'd be really angry with (K) and probably would never speak to (K) again! So tell me I ask her... so (K) leaves you with this man in the house right... but please tell me why you were out drinking with (K) 5 nights ago... .? You could here a pin drop... she then went from 'tears' to saying 'whatever' and put the phone down on me. How f-ing evil is that? To play with my emotions, to make me feel sorry for her and to give her sympathy! Ah you poor girl... tell me all about it there there... it's sick and I'm glad I caught her out otherwise I would gone back to her!

What really gets my back up is that I still think about this poisonous girl and it's not fair on me... I've stayed no contact for 2 months now, it is getting easier but I feel so pathetic and useless for still thinking about her... is 3 months a long enough period of time?

A little feed back would be much appreciated.

This could of been a much longer article and I've missed a lot of awful things out
but I know most of the people here are very experienced in hearing posts like these.

I forgot to mention that she went back to the 'ex' about 7 weeks ago and is still with him... that's a kick in the teeth! Plus I know she's totally split me black... because she did the same to 'him' when she was with me.

Thank you for reading.


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MJ 16

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2017, 07:37:44 AM »

Hey MJ, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  There's no particular timetable for recovery and everyone heals at his/her own pace, so don't beat yourself up!  Suggest you shift the focus back to yourself and your needs.  Treat yourself well.  Get back to the things you used to enjoy.  Strive to regain your sense of authenticity.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim


Thankyou for your kind words Luckyjim

Hope all is good with you
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Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6198


« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2017, 03:51:21 PM »

Hello again, MJ,

No doubt it's hard to part ways with a pwBPD; on the other hand, I predict that a day will come when you will be grateful to have moved on.  I know it doesn't feel like that right now, so hang in there and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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