Coming to grips with the reality that my SO has many BPD features.

[Cranston]

This is a hard for me.  I have over 25 years in the helping profession so I really know what BPD looks like.  Yet, I find myself coming to grips with the reality that my SO has many high functioning BPD features. Of course, the stuff on my side of the street is a factor in our dynamic so I am reaching out for encouragement and advice.  I am having difficulty guiding myself so I am seeking some input.  My personality is more dependent and so I have not had the best of boundaries.  Thankfully I have life-giving relationships outside my marriage and my value and worth are intact and shame is manageable.  I am just tired and need some ideas and to bolster me to live effectively.  :)ivorce is not an option.  It is not necessary at this time and my personal values make it last resort should some specific behaviors occur. My SO is going through a lot of personal stress (legitimate stuff) and is doing the push/pull, come close/go away, you hate me projection stuff.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Cranston,

Welcome ,

I"m sorry that things have been difficult for you lately. Could you share a little more about what has been going on in your relationship? When things are not going well, how do you respond?

Although you have experience with BPD in your work life, it's not uncommon for even professionals to have difficulty recognizing it in their personal life. After all, in one scenario you are professionally detached and in your personal life you are greatly involved on an emotional level.

[Mutt]

Hi Cranston, 



I'd like to join Tattered Heart and welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you decided to join us, there is hope. We have current and past members that are from all walks of life, even professionals. I'd like to echo Tattered Heart, what's issues are on the table Cranston?

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

[Cranston]

I guess it just slipped up on me and one day I realized I was dealing with BPD behavior.  My spouse is very high functioning and loved by all who know her.  Outsiders would be surprised by how she gaslights and uses shame a ridicule when she is in pain.  Blame, shame, dredging history, and deflecting responsibility are big issues.  FOr her to be wrong over the simplest thing is devastating and will trigger hostility and projected annoyance onto me.  Also the " well you are too" strategy of arguing. On top of this, she is entering menopause and not managing it well.  It seems that her more drastic behaviors increased with early onset menopause.   I confess I have bit on the baited hooks she casts.  I have assumed health in her and had an expectation of mutuality and intimacy in addressing issues.  I have tried empty but she ridicules that as my counselor talk.   I have allowed my life to shrink and get small and have carried too much responsibility for our difficult relationship.  For me, there is an escalating loneliness.  Our sex life has died yet she continues to exude sexuality and seductiveness and building her image. I have started to separate and begin to live for things I like.  It worries me that it is getting easier to be apart from her than with her.  Hopefully, that helps you get a sense of what is happening

[Tattered Heart]

I understand that feeling of worrying that you've separated too much. I remind myself that it's important that I keep myself emotionally protected. If I knew there was a burglar in the neighborhood I wouldn't leave my doors unlocked.

I try to always have a guage on the safety level in my relationship. There are times when I can let my guard down a little more and allow myself to be a little more vulnerable with him. As you begin to come to a better understanding of how things work with your relationship as you begin to get back to a healthy place for yourself, you'll be able to see those times a little easier.

Do you feel guilty for doing things you enjoy?

[Cranston]

Yup. I have struggled with doing things I enjoy. It has been tough because almost every aspect of me has been shamed by my partner. She left nothing untouched, nothing,  you name it, and it got shamed. In response to this, I isolated so much that I am now in the process of rebuilding my personal life finding community.  I feel like the contractor whose house is never finished or the mechanic that drives a clunker. 

[Skip]

It has been tough because almost every aspect of me has been shamed by my partner. She left nothing untouched, nothing,  you name it, and it got shamed. In response to this, I isolated so much that I am now in the process of rebuilding my personal life finding community. 

This can become a downward spiral, feeding on itself.  Glad you made you way here - hopefully you can help us with your many skills and we can help you with our experiences.

I'm sure you're familiar with Gottman's work. Where do you see yourself in this scheme?

   https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[Frankee]

My spouse is very high functioning and loved by all who know her.  Outsiders would be surprised by how she gaslights and uses shame a ridicule when she is in pain.  Blame, shame, dredging history, and deflecting responsibility are big issues. 

For me, there is an escalating loneliness.  Our sex life has died yet she continues to exude sexuality and seductiveness and building her image. I have started to separate and begin to live for things I like.  It worries me that it is getting easier to be apart from her than with her.  Hopefully, that helps you get a sense of what is happening

My spouse is the same.  He's even aware of it and pointed it out.  Made a comment about how everyone he meets at work thinks he is the nicest person they meet... wouldn't think so huh.  I didn't really reply or comment but I was afraid it was a bait.  He also surprises me with the information that gets stored in his head.  He'll bring up negative things that happened months ago that I've already let go and moved on.  Or anytime I mess up, he'll roll out all the times before I made the same mistake.

From a woman's perspective, I always enjoy looking nice, feeling attractive, knowing that my makeup is just right, my hair is looking good.  We had intimacy issues.  Sex is just that to him.  He has the ability to separate emotion/love from the act.  He was abused and experienced things that we just about the physical aspect to the deed that had no attachment.  I feel differently most of the time.  On days where it's really bad and he's emotionally hurt me, thinking of being intimate with him is usually on the bottom of my list.  I feel distant, withdrawn, and want to shut him out.   I find I have to stop doing those reactions because it just hurts our relationship more than anything. 

Even if your sex life has "died", there is always a chance to rekindle it.  She may be exuding these things as a way to get your attention with our directly saying it.  I was all wrapped up in my self image issues after having two babies and had once screamed at him that I felt unattractive.  My SO completely had a meltdown, saying how he was mad because he never said I was unattractive or how he didn't like my body, claiming he was going to cheat, have a gf on the side, someone that would listen, someone that wasn't a prude, ... etc etc.  As he was more direct and pretty mean about it.  I knew we had been lacking, he didn't know what to do about it and took a harsher approach about it.  I don't condone what he said or want to reward him for such mean things, but I was able to see past the words to the emotions.   I put aside my issues and decided to do something I had been wanting to do, but was too self conscious.  Seemed to put a little spark back in our love life and even make me feel better. 

We are on an up right now where things are going okay.  Recently however, when we were on a down, our intimacy was lacking.  He would threaten to leave and the first thought that popped in my head was... good, go ahead and leave, I'll be happier with you gone.  Now, I would never say that, but that's how I was feeling at the time.  I have had people tell me that it is healthy to carve out time for yourself and to not constantly be caught up in the drama and roller coaster.  You need to find happiness in things you like that give you a break.  I took a hard look at my situation.  I try to do things that I enjoy by myself, but I know deep down that if he really did leave, it would be an unbearable crush.  He has his issues and craziness, but to be honest... I'm a tad bit unstable and crazy myself.