Leaving me

[PickingUpPieces2]

We met online. He seemed different and genuine to the others... It was love at first sight. We messaged for about two weeks before our first date but we fell in love by talking to each other before we even met.

The wounds are still fresh, he broke up with me only five weeks ago. Dumped me, through me away without any consideration. Who can do this to someone? It's not human, can't be human. We were so happy!

We were together for four months on and off but the emotions were far too high from the very start. Too much love, too much happiness. And I fell for it. Blindness!
I should have seen the odd behaviour acts at times, used to say to him “please don't be like a 12 year old”. Then text arguments about nothing... he wouldn't talk to me for days or weeks. On our first date he seemed “small” like he didn't have any confidence at all. Although we spent an amazing time together. I can recall when I went home on that day I wasn't sure at all, my feelings were not in the right order. I felt that I needed more time to think before we see each other again. He was very persistent, just after a few days he started to text me again, even I asked him about giving me some space. He is great with words, (only writing, not verbally though) I fell for it, and went along with his “game”. We became very close, emotionally and physically. I loved him and trusted him with all my heart. 

Our first argument was about his ex, he told me (accidently) that he shared and talked about some of our private life with her... I felt betrayed! Then he explained a few days or week later that his ex is a friend to him, which he needs to maintain for his kids’ sake, because she threatened him before about stopping him to see them.

We saw each other twice a week,  coming to my place, then went out together and my daughter. At times, on some of Sundays, we went out like a family, his children and mine. He was keep promising me about coming to his place and the reason I never made it was, according to him is because he had a very untidy place and he didn't want me to see it. - I know, it sounds strange and naive but I believed it because the way he made me believe it.

He told me at our first date that he's been on medication for his depression for years.
Of course it scared me a bit and made a question in my mind but I tried not to be judgemental. He seemed normal and sincere in many ways. The first  expression when we met on the first of May? By the look of him and his body language seemed different to who I was texting for weeks.
His confidence, care and loving got stronger and stronger during our relationship, therefore my mind was blown away. He was in a dreamworld, in his fairy tale and he took me with him.

Then my daughter and I went back to my country for three weeks. That was when it went all horribly wrong. He wasn't texting as much as he used to but I tried not to make a big deal of it. Until a few days later he told me that he was invited and his boys by his ex for tea. That's when I sent and said the wrong thing. - No, possibly I wouldn't have had any problem with it in a normal situation... But because at the start he was telling her about our private bond, also he told me that she was against our connection, she was telling him he was not serious about me, only thinking about sex etc, therefore genuinely I got upset about things regarding her, was not able to trust her, felt that she was influencing him.

He went furious, saying that I was jealous, I was narrow minded... And oh God, he said so many hurtful things to me. (Texting rather) . He didn't let me take it back... Didn't matter how many times I was apologising. He could not forgive me after that.
Three weeks later I went to see him. He was not him! He was a stranger. Really, it definitely felt like he had a twin brother, someone who I did not know. I could not recognise him at all.
I've studied mental health, went to look for answers. Then there it was, Borderline Personality Disorder! Everything was matching.

I was blaming myself for weeks for what I've done to us, because he was blaming me, because I was not good enough anymore. He said we were not compatible, he said I should like myself first, he said we have nothing in common... he was stabbing me with every of his words hundreds of times. Yes, I felt dead and have been crushed for little pieces.
Then he texted saying sorry... (not for reconciling) ... please understand... He said he is cowered and a bad man. Previously he also said he is negative and he is only warning me because I don't know him.

So, where is my man, my darling, my love? The words he used to call me... My love.

[Mutt]

Hi PickingUpPieces2, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. A r/s break-up with a pwBPD is a difficult thing to get through and it can feel isolating because your real life support network may not know how to help you. I'm glad that you have found us there is hope. It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes, it helps to share and you can join other discussions, I bet you'll see a lot of similarities.

He told me at our first date that he's been on medication for his depression for years.

BPD has the most co morbid mental illness' out of all of them and experts don't know why, the percentage of pwBPD that have a mood disorder is a whopping 96%. They may of identified the depression and there may be comorbid mentall illness' that overlap BPD which can be difficult to detect.

I was blaming myself for weeks for what I've done to us, because he was blaming me, because I was not good enough anymore. He said we were not compatible, he said I should like myself first, he said we have nothing in common... he was stabbing me with every of his words hundreds of times. Yes, I felt dead and have been crushed for little pieces.
Then he texted saying sorry... (not for reconciling) ... please understand... He said he is cowered and a bad man. Previously he also said he is negative and he is only warning me because I don't know him.

So, where is my man, my darling, my love? The words he used to call me... My love.

A pwBPD have low self esteem, self worth, self loath and self hate and that could be what he was trying to tell you subciously, it sounds like he has some awareness of his behaviors. A pwBPD blame the world for their problems, I can relate with taking the lion's share of the blame, but realistically a r/s is 50/50?

Are you two still in touch?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  

[PickingUpPieces2]

Hi,

Thank you so much for your answer.

No, we are not in touch at all. He cut me off. I believe he made the whole situation to be my fault only, even it could have been discussed and worked out. (That was only while I still did not have an idea about his BPD)
I saw him once more before I posted my story here. We met up... and I'm glad we did in a way because I was able to see more clearly. He was furious, not recognisable, kicking the grass with one foot... not able to look at me, glassy eyes, hating me... I've never seen so much anger. There was no reason to act like that, we didn't argue previously, we only planned a sensible conversation. I sat there shocked and broken but very calm. At that time, still didn't realise what was wrong with him although I knew this is not normal.

You know, it's so bizarre, I still love him, I still care for him although the loving person disappeared and I feel like I've been lost with him. He took my love to fill up his emptiness then he had been swallowed by a different individual.

Yes, surely he was aware of his behaviors at times, but only after his episodes, not during. Although he could have forgotten about it again just to blame things on me.

He goes to see a therapist once a week as far as I know from the past. But he said, that is for his depression. Never mentioned about BPD. Is it possible that he doesn't know?

After the break up and the realisation of his BPD, I texted him, asking “You have BPD, don't you? “ He just said, Google says he has, so it's must be true... Then he asked me if I think he was mad...
Well, I think he has known about it.

During the break up he made me feel like I was the nuts because I was desperate to find out what I've done wrong. He was keep repeating that he doesn't trust me, doesn't believe me...
Now, I never find out if anything was ever true about the things he told me before. . about his ex... about how he felt... about us... The whole relationship seems a huge lie and game. Although I am still desperate to find out the truth. I need to find out the truth! When two people love the way we did, it can't just disappear like that. He involved his kids during our time, we put so much into it. How can he throw everything away?

[Mutt]

Hi PickingUpPieces2,

He involved his kids during our time, we put so much into it. How can he throw everything away?

I'm sorry to hear that  I know that this is incredibly difficult, you might find reading about the disorder will give you the answers that you seek, it may take time to process all of this.

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

[FallenOne]

The person you knew or thought you knew, never really existed and the person he was being in the beginning was not the true version of himself, but rather what he wanted you to see. An act. An illusion... One that was used to hook you. Don't feel bad though, I know it's hard, but eventually you will be glad he is out of your life and you'll realize what a blessing it is that he broke things off...

Don't waste your time trying to get the truth or reasons out of him... You won't get the truth and you won't get real reasons. Just more of what he wants you to see or wants you to hear... All you can do is learn about the illness and get explanations for his behavior.

[Mutt]

All you can do is learn about the illness and get explanations for his behavior.

That's a part of it, you can learn to depersonalize the behaviors and become indifferent to them, it's a huge part of healing.

[Mother of two]

Hi PickingUpPieces2,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I got goose bumps when I read your story - I can so relate, even the way I met my BPD online, it is identical. I know how much you are hurting, I have been through what you are going through right now. I know how hard it is and I know that what I am going to say now will not be what you want to hear or hope to hear. But I mean it with the very best of intentions: RUN! Get away from him. Look after yourself, seek professional help and nurture yourself. Take care of yourself and reach out to someone who can help you heal. You need to heal and there will be a time when you look back and will be grateful that he left you. It is the best that could have happened to you. No matter how many boxes he ticked, the moments of happiness are short lived and will not last plus you will not last as you will have to give up more and more of yourself in order to be with him and that is not ok. That is not how a healthy and loving relationship is supposed to be. He will never change and you will not be able to change enough in order to fit into his weird reality. Trust me, I tried to change myself and even when I did everything he asked, it was still not right. In a healthy relationship, you should not need to change yourself in order to please someone else.
I am currently in the process of divorcing my BPD and I am paying big money to my lawyer, have the police and the law involved, his behavior affects directly our kids (5 and 3 years old) and he still does not stop - he will not, he told me that he will go on and on and on until I am completely finished (he recently set my business out of order).
You will find love again and you will get through this even if it does not feel like it right now. This too shall pass. Look after yourself and stay away from him before you get deeper into it. He will never change and you do not need to change for anyone. Take care.

[PickingUpPieces2]

I really appreciate your answers, honestly, every response helps a lot to get through and get a little closer to some kind of light.

The disappointment of the entire relationship has marked me badly, possibly because I did not expect it to happen, because I felt safe in our love. But I know I'll get through... I know he does not deserve love because he abuses and destroys emotions and values of life. The problem is, that doesn't stop me thinking about what we used to have.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PickingUpPieces2,

Thinking about what we used to have is something we go through after things change so dramatically, as it completely knocks us sideways to see the way the person we love alters in their behaviour towards us.  Allow yourself to experience these thoughts and feelings and allow them to pass naturally.  Try not to cling onto them.  It's just part of the process and this will reduce with time.  Knowledge also helps with many of the questions that arise.  You're in good company, as we're all in various stages of the same journey here.  

The article Mutt shared with you is a great source of insight to check back with regularly as you're healing.  :)id you find many of the beliefs seemed to fit with you?  

We have a series of polls and discussions on some of the beliefs at present, with more to come.  They are marked with stars on the board so I'm sure you'll find them interesting.  Everyone's contribution is valuable so do share if you feel comfortable doing so.  It helps to talk about these things and air our feelings.

Here's the link to the latest one about Belief 5:

Did You Believe that Things Would Return to the Way They Used to Be?

You'll see that we all struggle with some of these beliefs at various points during and after the r/s.  I hope this is helpful to you.

Love and light x

[confused4now]

 ,   I am so glad you found this board! You are very lucky that you found out now instead of years down the road. I am going through a break up too. Like most of us here, I was swept of my feet by a person that I never knew. It's sad to read on this board how many of us are in pain.  I wish I had gotten out of this r/s a long time ago. The longer you are in it, the worse you feel. I think my husband is doing what you BF just did. We have been together for 5yrs. About 6 mos ago I knew something was up. Fast forward, I tracked his phone. I found he was calling someone at the hospital he worked at, I found apps for 2nd phone lines, and contacts with women's pictures. He denied everything! He tried to tell me I put it on his phone. I went crazy trying to catch him, I begged him to just tell me the truth. He never did. All I wanted was the truth, I thought it would bring me closure. This summer was hell, he was not the man I knew. He flipped some switch in his head, it was like I was his sister. I was crushed and in shock . He finally agreed to move out, still saying he loved me and wanted this marriage to work. Since he moved out, he has moved on and never looked back. Like you, I am left with a huge hole in my life, and realize I will never get the answers I need. I have only been on this site for 2 mos. It helps, but unfortunately the healing process is long and painful. I truly believe he is with who ever he was seeing while we were still together. After reading your story, I feel sorry for her. Truth is  neither one of you probably are getting the truth. That is why we are so hurt, people with BPD  don't know who they are or what they want. They are like a bumble bee going from flower to flower, loving each one but never staying. Positive note: Unless he gets help he will repeat this over and over. He will bolt or be left by all of his r/s, never knowing peace. We will! If we get help... .I am working on healing the parts of me that miss something that was so painful. It's like a drug, I miss a person that treated me so poorly. Keep reading about BPD, when you get your head around what has happened, start taking the suggestions on healing yourself. Take Care    

[fibonacci]

Read the stories of others, read all the articles and watch the videos, drown yourself in information. You'll spend a lot of time crying and hurting, but as the days pass, the tears will stop being about him and start being about you.

It's been almost two months for me, and I promise you, it gets better. The more you concentrate on flooding your day with this content, the faster you heal, the faster the fog clears.

[PickingUpPieces2]

Dear All,

I believe this board has helped me so much through my emotional crisis, I can't thank you enough. I find it deeply fascinating the insight of BPD, having been reading and studying nearly all the stories and opinions. The knowledge of BPD provides almost like a result to discover the support we need, to survive from every angle.

It's been nearly two months since he broke up with me. Of course, every day I'm still having thoughts about why it happened, what actually was going through in his mind before the break up, during the relationship... and how does he feel now...
It's true, being together for four months is not a long time but the belief of the relationship, feelings of our connection ride through every path, seeming and reflecting just like a lifetime.
Sometimes I feel angry with him, another time I feel soft and forgiving in many ways in my mind. Perhaps it's wrong but I would like him to have the exact suffer, agony, the distress I've been going through, the anxiety and disappointment he's been causing. I would like to tell him one day it's too late for being sorry. Or simply giving him the “silent treatment”. I want him to remember what it feels like... being temporary without any consideration, reasons and respect.
Surely, I sound like I still have plenty of issues about my experience but I know I'm getting into the right track. Now, I am able to forget about him for several hours daily. My job helps, my friends support and this board is absolutely brilliant in many aspects of intensity in my current life.
At the moment, I have days when it doesn't hurt, I have days when it still hurts so much, I have days when I can cope reasonably well, I have days and hours when I still have so many questions to be answered which I will never receive perhaps. Words, acts, pictures... still in my mind. I know I'm working very hard to forget and I know it will fade eventually.
Sometimes it feels like he put a spell on me, like he doesn't let me to move on. But I'm stronger than him and I'll win this battle. I still love him, although I also know I could not have a relationship with him anymore.

[PickingUpPieces2]

Today I'm having one of those bad days. I found an unread message in my inbox, back in August during our break up. He sent it to me through an art site where I used to display my paintings. That was the reason I didn't realise it was from him. He was commenting on one of my paintings, then ended the message “I am so sorry “. I became very angry when I saw it, so I replied :
“The word "Changes" is relevant to your behavior not my paintings. Leave them alone and leave me alone. “  (Changes is one of my artworks’ title which he commented on) This is the first time I was able to talk to him this way, I need to mention, it does make me feel good inside. Although hearing from him causing me some kind of distress in my mind. The kind person who I used to know.
Then I remembered one of his texts (again during the break up) saying “I can't give you what you need... Love”  Even he used to say he loves me unconditionally. He also said “love is not enough”. Which I've never found out what he exactly meant. My conclusion is he must have felt very empty and broken emotionally. That was when I was away for three weeks. Sometimes I wish I didn't go anywhere although I know this extreme behaviour of his could have hit at any time after /during our relationship.


I can recall when my ex BPD bf talked to me about his father, he said he hit the hell out of him when he was 14 years old. Then the police took his father into custody. I don't know much about his younger days but he also said he couldn't go and enjoy football games because his father made him to go with him to sell tractors. He hated it. I have no knowledge of any other abuse during his childhood. He still visits his parents occasionally.
I miss him.

[Harley Quinn]

Bad days do come, and they also go.  So remember this will pass.  Take it one day at a time.  Try not to get sucked in if you have a reply to your email.  If it felt good to speak out, then that's not a bad thing.  Just be wary of opening up that door that is very very hard to shut.  Especially if you get a negative reaction which angers you and you feel the impulse to bite back.  This doesn't help you to heal. 

Of course you miss him    Be OK with that.  It's going to be tough sometimes, but it does get easier.  What can you do to soothe yourself right now?  I would grab a blanket, light a fire and find something funny to watch on TV (which is a big luxury for someone who barely switches the set on) snuggled up with one of my cats or make myself something comforting to drink/eat and then go soak in the bath with candles and some meditative music.  We have to do the things that help us through, whatever that is.  What works for you?

Love and light x