Opening up

[confusedbloke]

Someone posted "I would just like her to take the time to talk to me, and explain how she feels and why she is so jealous... ." on one of my posts...
This really got me thinking. 

Thats what we all wanted.  Just for them to open up and share.  But I dont think this is possible. 
After researching BPD I can only come to the conclusion that it would be like trying to ask a toddler to open up and tell us about their feelings... . 
"Why are you mad?", "why are you frustrated?", "Tell me how you feel about this situation"... .etc.

I have children and when my youngest gets in a stroppy tantrum, you just have to leave him to get on with it, and he will come round eventually and all is forgotten.  As we all know, thats exactly what its like being with someone with BPD.  With the kids, you just leave em be, but when you are romantically involved with someone who acts like this its devastating and confusing... .  Its only when you start to realise that its a mental illness, you can really begin to move on and truly understand the situation. 
Because once their tantrum is over, its like it never happened for them, but we remember.

I was talking to my friend last night and telling her what I had been through, and as I was saying it, I literally couldnt believe it myself.  She was shocked.  We get sucked into the crazy world of BPD because we care(d) about our partners and wanted to help them.  We want(ed) to fix them... .and I guess we feel like failures because we couldnt.

I dont really think its co-dependancy to want to help someone and make them better, I think its becomes co-dependency when we rely on them for our happiness... .and inevitably thats what happens for each and every one of us.

Some people just dont want to be helped and are blinkered to their own situation, but imagine them having a mental illness and trying to help them... .It cant be done... .  I get that now.  Change has to come from them.

Id like to hear peoples thoughts on partners opening up... .has anyone ever had a BPD partner that opened up, has anyone had a partner that freely "booked" them self in to get help?

[heartandwhole]

Hi confusedbloke,

I can see what you are saying about the differences and similarities between the emotional level of a toddler and an adult with BPD. As BPD is a disorder that lies on a spectrum, and each pwBPD is an individual, you'll find a wide range of experiences on these boards.

In my relationship, pwBPD was very good at opening up—too good, I'd say, especially in the early stages of getting to know each other. He had been in therapy for years, is a psychotherapist himself, and was kind and empathic.

When he was in the throes of dysregulation, however, he simple wasn't able to connect or  accept the reality of me, if that makes sense. He described it once as if something took him over and his TRUTH was absolutely the opposite of what it was 24 hours ago. Then 24 hours later, it was often different. But that was reality to him; he was crystal clear about what he had to do. What was clear to me was that when he was struggling with symptoms of BPD and childhood trauma, I just couldn't expect him to be able to relate to me in a way that I needed. It was all he could do to deal with his own suffering in the moment. 

He tried very hard to grow and change. And I am optimistic that he will be one of those people with BPD who is better and better able to manage his symptoms as time goes on.

heartandwhole

[vanx]

I agree: I did want my ex to open up and share, particularly when there was tension or a disagreement. Sometimes, I think she was overwhelmed emotionally and did not know what she wanted or needed. And other times, I think opening up would have been intimacy, and she didn't want to let me in.  

[confusedbloke]

Hi Heartandwhole,

Yes that makes complete sense.  Its so familiar.  It would be like the personality just changes and again I was in a head spin.  I know now that she is not what I want in life, now Ive had some time to detach.  I hope it works out well for you 

Vanx, I just view it now as when my boy was 3 and trying to reason with him was futile.  And most importantly it would be crazy to even suggest the notion of asking him to open up about his feelings.  And I think that's what Ive really understood now.

[spacecadet]

I dont really think its co-dependancy to want to help someone and make them better, I think its becomes co-dependency when we rely on them for our happiness... .and inevitably thats what happens for each and every one of us.

Confusedbloke,
This is a great insight. I have a story about an exbf I should tell in another thread so not to hijack this one, but I want to say I agree with the first part of what you said. When you say inevitably we become codependent, I take exception to this but of course this is not from experience. I think it depends on the individuals involved and other facets of personality (both), plus whether someone is in treatment etc.

I wish there were more success stories here, on-going, how the recovery happens, the things that work with different individuals etc. There's a lot more of the horror / undx'd anecdotes here than the progress made... .no doubt it's an arduous journey. Yet I'd like to read where it happens and how it does.

And I do think it's possible to have a r/s with someone who has a mental illness, in other words very sharp emotional woundedness and vulnerability... .because I'm rather cynical about dsm and how things are dx'd and how we then define ourselves or others by those labels. Our understanding of personality and mental health is very primitive at this point, and will evolve just as much of medicine will evolve a great deal in time. I have an aunt who was schizophrenic and dx'd in the 1940s. There were no helpful meds at the time, and she had many electroshock treatments which -- at that time were probably much more strong than they are now, and not voluntary -- I believe those only damaged and further victimized her. Plus my father was an orderly in a mental hospital when he was just 19, in the 1950s. He was so horrified by the abuse he witnessed that he had to leave. He wanted to help the people who were vulnerable but was unable to do so because he lacked the power at that juncture. To think how much has changed in two or three generations... .give the field another 50-100 years and it will be yet more humane with more efficacious therapies. Possibly much more awareness of the role diet plays, e.g. GMO'd foods, roundup... .oh don't get me started on our factory farming!   

... .As BPD is a disorder that lies on a spectrum, and each pwBPD is an individual, you'll find a wide range of experiences on these boards... .

He tried very hard to grow and change. And I am optimistic that he will be one of those people with BPD who is better and better able to manage his symptoms as time goes on.

Heartandwhole,
Interesting that he was actually in the mental health field, wow. I appreciate your nuanced telling and also your forgiveness & good wishes for your ex.

[Lost-love-mind]

I agree: I did want my ex to open up and share, particularly when there was tension or a disagreement. Sometimes, I think she was overwhelmed emotionally and did not know what she wanted or needed. And other times, I think opening up would have been intimacy, and she didn't want to let me in.  

Perfect summary of my exBPD. My story has been told previously, that our last night together she failed to tell me she just wanted something as simple as a massage. We were reaching a new level of intimacy and she freaked since it would have gone further.
Once she told me she was "tired" I left and later she accused me of failing to be tuned in to her needs, instead of my own.
I was so confused until I realize BPD's are sometimes unable to express needs or emotions due to their illness.

[heartandwhole]

I was so confused until I realize BPD's are sometimes unable to express needs or emotions due to their illness.

I think this applies to so many of us, BPD or not. I was thinking the other day how much we assume that others know what we need, want, or how we like to be shown that we're loved.

Sometimes, getting very specific, and actually describing what actions we want our partners to take to show us they've understood, they care, etc., is necessary for the relationship to grow and thrive.  It can feel counterintuitive and nonromantic, but I'm learning that it can be very helpful in situations where communication is strained or just easily misinterpreted.

heartandwhole