Are most of us Codependent?

[LoveLostHeart]

I am sitting here wondering if most of us have codependency issues? A lot of us on this board feel so alike, and finding themselves in the same situations over and over again. Of course I understand it is not just them. Would a non-codependent person have walked away way earlier? Or would they feel the same? Are they more capable of saying, this wasn't good for me? And be actually done with it?

[Skip]

Was this you?

[Duffer09]

Another factor was that initial idealization period when our r/s was absolutely amazing to me.  I accomodated her moods and her sudden distancing of me, thinking we could get that back.  I would've walked away much earlier if not for that yearning.  I'd get enough glimpses of it to keep me around. 

[confusedbloke]

This is the first time I've ever been poorly treated.  I've never been in an abusive relationship before and I've had 6 relationships (over 2 years long in each).
But before I met my exBPDgf I was 6 months fresh out of a marriage, in which I wasn't the most attentive husband, so I wanted to be different this time (perhaps to make up for my marriage).

I became someone that would do anything for her (as perhaps I thought that was the key to a successful relationship - as I blew my marriage!).  I believe to an extent it is, I just chose the wrong girl this time, having never been faced with a woman like this.
And to add in the mix my low self esteem because of the divorce, as Lucky Jim says, its a perfect partner for a borderline.

And the last statement is perfect... .I believe meeting this woman will make me a better person and will lead to greater happiness in the long run.  I've learned so much about myself... .and it can only be a positive and I will never treat anyone badly or accept anyone treating me badly ever again.

Just to add, I think in some small way I felt I deserved it, because I wasn't loving toward my ex-wife.  I was perhaps punishing myself... . 

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I agree. Once I found out I was co-dependent (via therapist), was diagnosed with PTSD from a lifetime of abusive relationships and made a lot of progress in my therapy (EMDR), it really opened my eyes to the abuse and just how unhealthy it all was. Up until then, I felt like I was in a fog, I thought the problems in my marriage were all my fault, that something was wrong with me, that I deserved to be treated the way he treated me, and it was "normal". It was far from normal or healthy. The therapy really helped open my eyes. Learning about co-dependency as well as BPD and NPD really put things in perspective.

I also realized I had never witnessed a healthy adult relationship. I didn't know what it looked like until now. Now I'm in a very wonderful and healthy relationship. I've never been happier.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LLH, Agree.  In my view, most Nons have codependent traits, because you sort of have to be a caretaker in order to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  As you suggest, those with better boundaries would probably run for the hills at the first signs of BPD, yet we stay and put up with abuse and drama, presumably because on some level it's familiar, if unhealthy.  One could say that we lack self-love and self-acceptance, because we think it's OK to be treated poorly.  We put others first and let them walk all over us.  For this reason, we tend to be a perfect fit for someone w/BPD, which is why it's so hard to leave a BPD r/s.  

Yet once you see the pattern, change is possible!  A BPD r/s can be the crucible that leads to new growth and greater happiness.

LJ

[LoveLostHeart]

Skip, one big fat yes.

[Skip]

One could say that we lack self-love and self-acceptance, because we think it's OK to be treated poorly.

Did anyone think it was OK to be treated poorly?

Does this possibly describe the dynamic?

For the codependent, a codependent relationship fulfills a strong drive to feel needed. Some enablers always need to be in a relationship because they feel lost or lonely when they’re by themselves.  Codependents are often inherently afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own, and in these cases the enabling behavior is a way to mitigate fears of abandonment.

[Lucky Jim]

Skip:  Yup, that was me.  Sacrificed my emotional needs to keep the family intact.  Lost myself in the r/s.  Exhausted all my emotional, physical and financial resources.  Until I collapsed under the strain.  

LuckyJim

[I_Am_The_Fire]

At the time, I think I didn't even realize I was being treated poorly. I don't think it occurred to me until I "hit rock bottom". I minimized and invalidated my own feelings, I made excuses. I told myself I was imaging things or it really wasn't that bad or he just had a bad day and so on. I was in denial of how bad things really were, like drops in a bucket over many years. I didn't see the bucket was full until it overflowed and I had a large mess to clean up.

Looking back, I think I did that because of being in abusive relationships my entire life starting with my father. I was taught to accept and normalize abuse at a very young age. I learned pretty quickly how to manage others' emotions so they'd leave me alone, so I could keep the peace. I hated confrontations with a passion and would do just about anything to avoid them, especially denying my own needs to get it. I didn't really "know better" until I "woke" up.

I went through several relationships from high school through college. Most of them were emotionally abusive and became physically abusive which is when I left them. I'm thankful that when they started to get physically abusive/aggressive, I had the presence of mind to get out. Having gone through that, my ex-h wasn't physically abusive during our twenty year marriage. The emotional abuse was much more subtle (covert) which I think is why it took me so long to see it. It wasn't obvious as the others had been. Once I saw it, though, I couldn't unsee it. By then twenty years had passed.

So I don't think I stayed in those r/s because I needed to be needed. For me, it was a familiar pattern. It's what I knew and thought was normal. There had been so much chaos in my early life that I craved stability and would do almost anything to keep it. For me, I believe it's homeostatis. That and I craved love and affection that I didn't get as a child. So I think I was trying to fulfill needs I had but I didn't really know what they were and I wasn't going about it in a healthy way.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healing-possibility/201103/getting-out-the-way-the-balance-between-homeostasis-and-growth

Did I have fear of abandonment? I don't think so but I'll have to think about it some more. This is a good topic

[Lucky Jim]

I Am The Fire:  Right, we deny our own feelings and make excuses.  I covered up for my Ex by keeping her abuse (and her personality disorder) a secret from the outside world.

Skip:  Maybe I could have said it differently: being treated poorly is a familiar dynamic that we accept as normal, often due to past trauma and abuse.

LJ

[FallenOne]

I have been told before that I'm codependent by people who have given me advice... .Well, to be honest, I don't think I am... If I am, then why is it that I only ever experienced these things with one person... .my BPD ex gf. I have never experienced these relationship dynamics in any other relationship I've been in...

[once removed]

it was more helpful for me to see codependency, like BPD, on a spectrum. BPD traits are not the sum total of someone with BPD traits. they (codependent traits or BPD traits) can be more or less dominant depending on their severity, and they can be situational (for example, mostly limited to romantic relationships).

i wouldnt define myself as "a codependent". i have tendencies, or have had tendencies, that dip into codependency. i learned a lot from it. i wouldnt call myself "a narcissist" but i learned a lot from reading about narcissistic wounds.

Would a non-codependent person have walked away way earlier?

this is a broad question and ill give a broad answer. i think that emotionally healthy and grounded people dont get into intractable relationship conflict/turmoil and respond repeatedly in ways that only contribute to more dysfunction. thats when they would either reevaluate or walk away.

[Lucky Jim]

i think that emotionally healthy and grounded people dont get into intractable relationship conflict/turmoil and respond repeatedly in ways that only contribute to more dysfunction. thats when they would either reevaluate or walk away.

I like the way you put that, once removed.  After a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW, the word "repeatedly" is particularly apt for me!   

LJ