Threats to leave from pwBPD

[AskingWhy]

I read another thread where a spouse/partner makes divorce threats whenever feeling threatened in the relationship.

I have decided to move to another forum as I believe the relationship is not (at this point) over but my uBPD/uNPD H uses these threats as a defense mechanism. it seems every time he splits he makes the threats, and this happens at least once a week now.  We have been married 20+ years.

He is enmeshed with two of his adult children to whom he confides our marital problems.  One of these children, a young woman, is likely BPD as well as she fits several of the diagnostic criteria.

The threats to leave me usually occur when he is out of control of my behavior.  He makes "suggestions" to me all the way to outright threats of divorce in order to get me to comply with his wishes.  Rather than say he is unhappy about something, he uses the divorce threat as an emotional bludgeon.

This started about 12 years ago.  At first, I was devastated and cried myself to sleep countless times, terrified he'd have me served divorce papers.  I slowly began to see that no papers were ever served and within the next few days he returned to "normal."  I later understood that his behavior was pathological in some way.  His father is most likely NPD.  The episodes of splitting are happening faster.  In the past, he'd threaten divorce and sleep on the couch for several days before "forgiving" me and returning to sleep in our bed.  Now he sleeps on the couch for one night and is back in our bed the next as if nothing every happened the previous day.

What is the way to diffuse the threats when he is splitting?

I usually block his threats and name calling by reminding him that his first marriage was worse (his ex W had an affair, divorced H and then married her lover.)  I understand after the ex W left and took the children he drank heavily and was almost suicidal but this was well before we started even dating.

I love my husband but I am getting tired of the threats.  He stopped the name calling for now once I refused to get upset by it.

Any suggestions on what I should do while H is splitting and threatening divorce?

[Overseas1899]

I, like you, was also crying and upset when my uBPDh would bring up divorce. I haven't heard it now in about 5 years. What stopped it?  I told him how relieved I felt at the thoughts of divorce.  It took about three times.

[pearlsw]

I am not usually on this board, but I think this may be a topic for the improving section, not sure?

It seems like you want some strategies and advice for how to improve on this particular issue: how to handle the sheer number of breakup threats by perhaps responding in another way that would get him off this track and get him to stop using this method as a means of controlling you in the relationship.

Are you considering divorce? Are you at a point where you can't handle hearing one more threat?

I was at that point earlier this year, and before I heard about this site. I decided at the start of the year I just couldn't take one more threat and when the next big one came within months I thought I might try to have a solid back up in plan in place so I could just go ahead and say "okay, fine. it's over." Trying to get that arranged only blew up in my face and made further problems for me. (If I ever do try to go I will face a whole other set of problems... .I think he will not let me go so easily... .but I digress... .)

For me, making efforts to plan for an out are not the best approach if I am trying to be in the relationship. If I am in I must give it my all, and when/if I am done then I must decisively shift to that mode. But that is just me. I lived for many years constantly torn between his push and pull stuff. It tore me to bits. I could not comprehend the sheer number of breakups and found it extremely painful, confusing, and paralyzing. Really, I can't even find the words for how messed up that is - how awful it is to experience that. It is traumatizing/horrifying. A life in limbo with no stability, base, support, nothing. It is no way to live. It completely changed me as a person. All my beliefs, a lifetime of clear, reasoned behavior out the window. It damaged my identity and all I held dear and true - that is how incredibly devastating this BPD stuff can be and why I am taking the time to just be with you here in this moment... .because I don't want you to suffer alone through this as I did.

I believe there are ways to get this divorce threat stuff off the table a bit. I have been at it via many angles. One way I did it was by just "doing the math" on it. My partner likes math and I said look, by my calculation this is how many times you have made this threat and it was real for me each time. Just one break up is traumatizing but man, you've played this card hundreds of times and I am not the same. I am damaged. He could not deny the sheer number and the foolishness of his actions. He paid a big price over it too.

But again, that is probably not something they would teach here, it was just what I needed to say and do to preserve my own relationship with reality. But I did basically tell him (repeatedly) he had to stop doing this because the sheer damage he was doing was making it impossible for us to be together. He also acknowledged he does want to be together and claims he does not really mean it when he says this. Me, being logical, said "If you don't mean it, don't say it." Eventually, this alone cut down on things a little bit. I pressured him with logic but it did not really address the problem long term. He said it less, or tried to reword it at first, but he still does it. It helps that I believe it less or just don't play into it. I listen past it and deal with the feelings involved and just block out these horrible threats as much as I can. He has used it as a tool for so long I think he could not figure out how to not make threats. He had to be shown how to deal with one problem at a time and how to not bring a nuclear bomb to a minor dispute.  When he is calm he listens better and is learning about how better relationships can be/function. He still tends to not be able to focus on the issue and be solution oriented, but he is able to try at times and is becoming more self aware. Ultimately, he thanks me for helping him with such things and being understanding so that is a small reward for my efforts.

But what works to keep it down in the longer term, and I am hoping to one day keep it off the table completely, is to validate him more using the techniques taught here. Before I really could not relate to his extreme emotions and I guess I am a bit more balanced and logical so that was... .not working really. The knowledge you gain here offers one of the best chances you have to save things. It is not an easy to choice to make, but if you want to try I wish you must success with your efforts!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AskingWhy, In my view, threats of divorce are a form of F-O-G (Fear, Obligation and Guilt), the three-pronged pitchfork that those w/BPD use to manipulate the Non.  In other words, he's twisting your arm with Fear by threatening divorce.  My suggestion: don't buy into it.  Tell him you won't be affected by his threats.  Suggest you call his bluff and say something like go ahead and do whatever you want to do, but you will make decisions for yourself.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim 

[AskingWhy]

Thank you all for the posts.

As a matter of fact, I have sought legal advice from a family lawyer to protect my own interests. 

The threats are indeed a form of punishment when H is angry with me.  He withholds affection, gives the silent treatment and gives other "clues" he is displeased with me.  His actions are very much in the vein of, "I hate you!  And I am going to take all of my toys and go somewhere else to play."

The outcome of his episodes are almost predictable.  I know when I will get the silent treatment.

In the past, I would confront him and try to engage in "talking to over" to reach a resolution.  I did this for years.  Each time he would punish me with one of his passive-aggressive tactics.

The cycles are coming closer together now.  I think the death of his elderly mother really brought out some deep-seated childhood memories that are causing him to split so quickly.  In addition, he is seeing some things in his relationship with his father that he would rather not have seen.  To make matters worse, the enmeshment with his adult children is increasing.  

The icing on the cake is one of this children who now appears to be BPD or bipolar.  All the signs are there:  suicide attempts, alcohol and drugs, sexual promiscuity with both sexes, being fired from a job after having an affair with a supervisor.  

What a mess.

[Lsyt]

I am in a similar situation. It is strange hearing other people that sound like they are living my life but I feel so completely alone. I don't even know what triggers my husband half the time. He has decided that my teenage daughter is conniving against him (she is not) and says ugly terrible things about her. If I don't agree with him he wants a divorce. He has been struggling with starting a new career and has been under stress and is spiraling out of control more and more. I hate that other people are experiencing this really aweful lonely feeling but it does help to read and see that I am not alone. Everytime he threatens divorce it feels so real and I'm sure he's leaving and I am devastated over and over again. Right now as I write this he keeps texting that the marriage is over. I am a rational logical person and I react all wrong when he keeps changing reality. I feel like I'm going crazy. He is an amazing person that I am deeply in love with, but when he's triggered it is killing me.

[WildernessMan]

I've been with my BPD wife for 23 years (not officially diagnosed because she refuses help). We have a daughter 21 (who was diagnosed with BPD 3 yrs ago), daughter 17, son 14.

She has threatened divorce for years. When our oldest daughter was about a year old she filed for divorce but 2 months later dropped it. She has always used our kids as leverage, since she knows I may loose partial access to them after divorce and knows I dont want that to happen.

A month ago she filed again, however she appears to have calmed down, but only after I spent a whopping $1500 in attorney retainer. According to my attorney, her attorney has had a hard time getting info from her concerning what she wants to do - Really divorce, stay together - So I'm in the dark. I assume this is typical BPD stuff. 

In my experience divorce is used as a method of torture and control. And like you said it is used to force conformity. At this point I am not falling for it anymore. I hope you dont.

My wife has been sleeping on the couch for about 4 years continuously, so I can certainly relate to that. She knows I want us to sleep together, so this is also a method of turture. 

Since coming to this site and reading others' comments, at least I feel less alone. I hope being here does the same for you!

Good luck! I know how you feel!

[AskingWhy]

@Lyst and WildernessMan

Thank you for the replies and understanding anecdotes.  With each divorce threat, it's like a new one and the emotional wound is fresh again.  I don't know if H will finally file and whether I will be served or not.

The rages are usually character assassinations and insult of my body and figure, and even against my hobbies.  

In one rage, H threatened divorce and that he'd "burn the house down" so I would not get half of the marital assets.  Most often they will be when H is under work stress or the stressors of his children, several of whom hav indications of personality disorders.

Again, even with the facts of BPD/NPD, it's never easy to deal with in person.

[donkey2016]

Hi,

I don't even know how many times my BPD boyfriend has "broken up" with me, maybe 50 times over 5 years - no it's more. He used to also to sleep on the couch (also sometimes not even being angry) but stopped doing that when I wanted out from the relationship. Yes, the way to handle these "break ups" is just to realize that they are only threats. But be careful not to take it seriously because that make them go into a rage.
Tread carefully,
Donkey2016

[Lucky Jim]

In one rage, H threatened divorce and that he'd "burn the house down" so I would not get half of the marital assets.  Most often they will be when H is under work stress or the stressors of his children, several of whom hav indications of personality disorders.

Hey AskingWhy, Why are you making excuses for your H?  In my view, his threats and rage are unacceptable.  My Ex did the same thing, so I understand the quandary in which you find yourself.  My suggestion: focus on yourself and your needs.  Try to find the path that is right for You.

LuckyJim

[WildernessMan]

I agree with LuckyJim. Focus on yourself since you're the only one you can change. Let your BPD partner fend for themselves. This is something I've learned on this site and started applying it in my situation just last week.

What a weight it lifted off my shoulders!   

[AskingWhy]

Thank you for the replies.

I am indeed working on myself.  If H wants to leave, nothing is going to stop him.

I doubt seriously he will leave as he is very insecure.  H is not a matinee idol in the looks department and is insecure about being raised in poverty by a uNPD father.

That said, if he leaves, he leaves, and I can handle it.  I am trying not to take this acting out personally, painful as it is.

[hellosun]

My uBPD husband has threatened divorce 3 or 4 times in our three-year marriage. The first few times I cried and reminded him of all the good times we'd had together, let him complain about all the ways I apparently wasn't measuring up, and basically tried to convince him to reconsider, which he would, usually within a painful 6 to 24 hour period.

This last time, though, I'd had enough. I didn't cry or get upset. Instead I listened calmly, validated his emotions, thanked him for our time together, told him the things I appreciated about him, and then started to talk about how we would proceeded with divorce.

He crumbled, burst into tears, and clung to me like a child. I said, "so, you hate me but you don't want me to leave?" He nodded and laughed and cried some more. (It's kinda funny he is aware that he relates to the title of a book on BPD, but doesn't want to learn about the disorder.)

This happened about a week ago... .It does get tiring (er, extremely emotionally draining).

But I guess at least if it happens again, I have a strategy to use: call his bluff.

[WildernessMan]

The more posts and responses I read here the more I understand BPD. The common feature I see here is "childlike" behaviors in those with BPD. My wife is a perfect example.

[donkey2016]

Yes, childlike behaviour, but it's worse. You can reason with a child but not with an adult who doesn't want to admit their behaviour is completely abnormal.
Donkey2016

[WildernessMan]

Concerning evaluation to stay or leave, I believe all factors play a role in deciding that. I think it helps to read what others are experiencing to help decide.

Donkey2016 - True. BPD behavior in an adult doesn't make sense. However, a normal child's behavior does.     

[hellosun]

I think one of the differences between a child and an adult pwBPD, is that it takes the adult muuuuch longer to switch emotional states.

A kid won't stew about some small injustice for months, but my husband will. If he is anxious about something, he is unable to be distracted, and will repeat himself trying to work out the problem, for hours. His irrational anger doesn't stop once he realises it is irrational, it just gets worse.

The frustration of being unable to STOP feeling such intense emotions must be overwhelming. I had clinical depression when I was a teen, and even that experience gives me only a glimpse into what it must be like to have BPD.