Leaving The Door Open For Her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I, like many of you still love or have feelings for my ex. She is with someone else now, so I know its over and Im pretty close to accepting that fully. My ex wanted to be "friends" but I could not do that for the life of me considering we were Married one minute, the next she doesn't love me anymore and is seeing another man. So I gave up and went no contact. I changed my phone number, and blocked her from my Facebook, and Email. Since, I did that last week, all I thought of was wanting to just talk to her. Not get back together, not date, and not have sex, but just still have her in my my life to talk to. So I decided to unblock her from my email and Facebook to see if she notices, and contacts me either way.

I know most would say, why do that if you do not want to get back together with her? In the Marriage, she cheated on me four times! This time, she is in a relationship with another man (Wife is 33, he is 48) and I know in my heart she has NO intention of breaking up with him. They work together, so they will always talk, and communicate so even IF they break up, they will still be in close contact. So, that is why I know I will never go back to her. If she ever asks, Id say, "No... .you are still in a relationship and I know you will always be with him... .even as a friend."  I just wish to stop fighting with her, and be able to just talk to her, like a person. No animosity, no regrets, just talking to someone that Ive always cared about, and yes even though she cheated.

I cannot see us Married anymore, living together, or even dating, but I never want to lose her completely. Some want to go back in a romantic capacity, but I just want to be able to continue having a "civil" or "friendly" relationship, which most sites say is impossible to do. So, I thought Id leave the door open and see what happens? Not sure if its a good idea, but I know she will never leave the new guy, and even if she says "we are not together anymore", I know she is full of it. As long as we only "talk", and she doesn't bring up the new guy in conversation I will be ok, although, I hate to admit, Im am actually on the fence with have a "sex only" relationship with her if that subject ever came up. I know thats playing with fire, but if I am convinced im never going back with her, and im upfront about it, I guess, every so often a "romp in the sack" couldn't hurt? Knowing her, she will have other boyfriends anyway, so I can't see me being her one and only choice.

[Making sense]

I, like many of you still love or have feelings for my ex. She is with someone else now, so I know its over and Im pretty close to accepting that fully. My ex wanted to be "friends" but I could not do that for the life of me considering we were Married one minute, the next she doesn't love me anymore and is seeing another man. So I gave up and went no contact. I changed my phone number, and blocked her from my Facebook, and Email. Since, I did that last week, all I thought of was wanting to just talk to her. Not get back together, not date, and not have sex, but just still have her in my my life to talk to. So I decided to unblock her from my email and Facebook to see if she notices, and contacts me either way.

I know most would say, why do that if you do not want to get back together with her? In the Marriage, she cheated on me four times! This time, she is in a relationship with another man (Wife is 33, he is 48) and I know in my heart she has NO intention of breaking up with him. They work together, so they will always talk, and communicate so even IF they break up, they will still be in close contact. So, that is why I know I will never go back to her. If she ever asks, Id say, "No... .you are still in a relationship and I know you will always be with him... .even as a friend."  I just wish to stop fighting with her, and be able to just talk to her, like a person. No animosity, no regrets, just talking to someone that Ive always cared about, and yes even though she cheated.

I cannot see us Married anymore, living together, or even dating, but I never want to lose her completely. Some want to go back in a romantic capacity, but I just want to be able to continue having a "civil" or "friendly" relationship, which most sites say is impossible to do. So, I thought Id leave the door open and see what happens? Not sure if its a good idea, but I know she will never leave the new guy, and even if she says "we are not together anymore", I know she is full of it. As long as we only "talk", and she doesn't bring up the new guy in conversation I will be ok, although, I hate to admit, Im am actually on the fence with have a "sex only" relationship with her if that subject ever came up. I know thats playing with fire, but if I am convinced im never going back with her, and im upfront about it, I guess, every so often a "romp in the sack" couldn't hurt? Knowing her, she will have other boyfriends anyway, so I can't see me being her one and only choice.

[Mutt]

Hi making sense,

Not sure if its a good idea, but I know she will never leave the new guy, and even if she says "we are not together anymore", I know she is full of it. As long as we only "talk", and she doesn't bring up the new guy in conversation I will be ok, although, I hate to admit, Im am actually on the fence with have a "sex only" relationship with her if that subject ever came up

When I read your post I thought "I thought that my ex would never leave me" did you think the same thing making sense, why do you think that she's not going to leave him? Let's say that it's a long term r/s with the two of them and she did want to have a 'sex only" r/s well he's still in the picture, that would cheating, what's your boundarie on cheating?

[FallenOne]

You may not want to hear it, and you may not believe it now, but if this woman never contacted you or spoke to you again, it would be the best thing that could ever happen to you... .

[Tobiasfunke]

We have all been there Making Sense. We miss them so badly sometimes. Not knowing your situation fully, if you don't have children together I'd heed Fallens advice and run for the hills and never look back. It's hard to hear but turn the page and closing this chapter is the best and only way really. There are some great people out there  waiting for you that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I unfortunately do not have that option and must deal with my ex due to children. A "romp in the sack" could lead the to family court and coming to the coparenting board. A place you do not want to visit. Hang in there life gets better.

[FallenOne]

With a normal ex-partner, a normal ex-wife, or a normal person, being friends or acquaintances or just being on good terms is a possibility... .With a BPD it is not. Regardless of what they say they want. Their offers to just be friends or just be this or that, is just them roping you back into a relationship again... It may start that way, but you'll be quickly back on the rollercoaster again and in a fully "committed" (play on words there) relationship all over again... .Remember, all or nothing thinking... You're either an abusive creep who ruined their life and they hate you and want nothing to do with you, or you're the best thing since sliced bread and they want your arm around them 24/7.

[once removed]

I just want to be able to continue having a "civil" or "friendly" relationship, which most sites say is impossible to do.

its not at all impossible, but lets walk through it.

- you are recently separated. in order to get to that place, both parties are going to have to want it, and that usually occurs after a period of time and space, grieving and processing, resentments easing.

- things are fresh and your perspective on this may change.

- its not uncommon for exes to be friends. very rarely is it ever a deep connection.

Im am actually on the fence with have a "sex only" relationship with her if that subject ever came up. I know thats playing with fire, but if I am convinced im never going back with her, and im upfront about it, I guess, every so often a "romp in the sack" couldn't hurt?

these are probably two different kinds of relationships you are talking about, and mixing the two can be fraught with peril.

which do you want more? civil and friendly or friends with benefits?

[vanx]

I feel for you. I have wanted this at times too--guess I still do. I am still fairly close with my college gf. When my mom passed, she was my friend who came to the funeral. I think being friends with an ex is possible.
I think one thing I am working to come to terms with personally is that with my ex pwBPD, like "love", we may mean entirely different things by friendship. Anything is possible, but you would need to be pretty clear with your own limits and boundaries.
I know in my case my ex still puts me down the same way she did when we dated. To be friends with her I would have to kind of accept this, but as someone who has a history of being a doormat, I'm not sure I want to. Anyhow, take care of yourself. Sounds cliche but if it's meant to be it will be.

[StayStrongNow]

You may not want to hear it, and you may not believe it now, but if this woman never contacted you or spoke to you again, it would be the best thing that could ever happen to you... .

I totally agree with FallenOne. In time you will see, when you finally get mental clarity and see the pwBPD to whom they really are and understand their playbook, it will give you enormous fortitude to change your ways in life and strive to be happy on your own terms.