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Author Topic: Black/ white splitting shakes my sense of self  (Read 388 times)
Chosen
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« on: September 20, 2017, 11:07:20 PM »

Hi, I've been active here a few years back when I was first married; things did get better after I learnt and practised the lessons on here, but now I'm back.  Maybe I've forgotten some of the lessons and gotten lazy.  Maybe things have changed. 

Anyway, my uBPDh loves me, I know that, but he always tells me that I have failed him as a wife, as a person.  That I am nothing he wished for in a wife.  That by loving me he has basically sacrificed himself and he gets absolutely nothing in return.  Sometimes I don't even know if that's his view only when he's splitting black anymore, or is that like the status quo, and it makes me feel very sad, and a failure.  On certain good days he will say he doesn't deserve such a good woman as me.  While in my heart I know that neither of these statements are completely true, I have realised that when I'm "white" I no longer feel happy because I no longer trust what he says, and when I'm "black" I seem to believe that I have, in fact, ruined his life and completely failed him.

So my question is, if you've been through these situations yourself, how do you keep your sense of self after being told you're nothing by the person who is closest to you?  It just seems like I'm in denial if I don't take in anything he says... .
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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2017, 04:54:47 AM »

I think it helps to not fully believe any of it. No person is entirely all white or all black. I find these kinds of statements more of a reflection of the person speaking than me.

I think it is a challenge to hold on to our self truth in the midst of these kinds of statements. Yet, other people do not define us. Are you doing things for yourself- seeing friends, a therapist, doing things that help you feel like yourself.

An analogy that helps me is to think of someone saying something absurd to me like "you are a pink elephant". Does that person telling you that make it true? If you know quite certainly that you are not a pink elephant, the statement might seem strange but it isn't hurtful.

Try not to JADE. I recall feeling quite hurt at some of the things my H had accused me of and then JADEing. But if it isn't true, then it isn't something I need to defend. In fact, JADE ing  added energy to the issue and was also invalidating.

I started to practice the pink elephant idea and not react so much to what was said to me. Once I had just arranged a gift to be sent to my H's family for a special occasion.  That same day, my H accused me of being rude to them. I don't know where that idea came from, but it didn't make any sense in the moment because I was quite certain I had just done something nice for them. This is the kind of thing that would have felt so hurtful before I started evaluating what was true and what was not. I would have thought something like " how can he think this after all I have done... .why didn't he see what I did" but I didn't feel that way. What he said didn't make it true.

That was like a light bulb moment. His thinking about me didn't make it true. Now, I can reply without reacting. "I am sorry you feel that way". If it is true- if I did something hurtful, I can say " I am sorry". Likewise, if I get a compliment, I can say thank you. I think I'm a pretty good wife, but I'm also human. Once I went out and met some old friends, started talking and lost track of time. Came home to a lecture about how inconsiderate I am because I didn't call. Well in that moment, I was distracted and not considerate, but that doesn't mean I am not ever considerate.

Your H may perceive others as black or white. I also think there is a tendency to take victim perspective. Sometimes we just do things that have nothing to do with the person and they take it that way. Instead of " she ran into an old friend and got distracted " it is " You did this to me".  I wish I could change this thinking, but I can't control how someone thinks. I just have to have my own measure of self. Doing something nice doesn't make me perfect and making a mistake doesn't make me the worst person on the planet.

Being with people who don't think this way- friends, people at work, and working on not being defined by others will help you maintain your sense of who you are.
 
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2017, 07:00:08 AM »

Welcome back, Chosen

I can't say it better than Notwendy, you have all there. I'm sure you have not failed him, but I get that feeling. We also lose perspective and we get tired and our energy level doesn't let us see ourselves as good valued people. Which I'm sure you are.

Take care!
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pearlsw
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« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2017, 07:24:48 AM »

Hi Chosen,

I am so sorry you are experiencing this and that it hurts you so. I know what it is like to be put on a pedestal and then thrown in the garbage. It is hard to know what to believe. Words begin to lose all meaning. I am at a point now where I'm trying out believing a slightly watered down version of his praise for me while not letting myself succumb to the garbage insults. I have good self-esteem so I never believed them anyway no matter how loud or forcefully he lobbed them at me. I am certainly not as wonderful as he paints me out to be, but I am also not as bad either. I am doing the best I can in life and I imagine you are too. Smiling (click to insert in post) But I always try to push myself to do better. It can make you dizzy though to hear such black and white thinking. It is incredibly destabilizing so do what you can to be your own stability in the world. Stay grounded. Pump yourself back up. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I doubt you have ruined his life and failed him. Don't believe this. Words are being used to make you feel his pain. Don't let him have this. It's not good for him or you and it is not true. We can all be better partners and if you know you are giving your all and doing your best let yourself have that. Do your best, forgive yourself, and keep moving forward in life. Let those be your mantras. I do my best. I forgive myself. I am moving forward and not dwelling on the past. Live in the present and embrace it. Don't let the insults take the joy from you life. Do your own positive inner self talk. Let yourself hear good messages about yourself. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Perhaps listen past his attack and see if there is something underneath it all that you could address. I always thought I was a good listener, but my husband has said at times I am not. Okay. So I have to try to respond to that. I try to listen in a way that makes him feel listened to. I can't just walk around patting myself on the back and labeling myself a good listener if I am really not being one for him and doing it how he needs it. It can be exhausting as he is so much more emotional than me, and a terrible interrupter, and can't follow fair fighting rules very well if at all. But when I try to approach our differences with finding win-win solutions that let us be a team ultimately it really helps. It is a lot of work though! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Chosen
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« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2017, 08:20:09 PM »

Thanks.  I particularly like Notwendy's "pink elephant" idea.  I think what shakes my sense of self the most is that what H says is not entirely "pink elephant", it's partly correct (say I have JADEd or argued with him concerning something he's right about), but taken to the extreme (I'm always disrepected him, I never listen to him, I am a failure, he does everything to keep the marriage together and all I ever do is to wreck our relationship, etc you get the idea).  Then it gets really personal because he's successfully stirred up my emotions, and I find it really hard to keep cool (who can?). 

But then I can't stay silent, because he will say "I'm talking to you!  What's your response?"  then of course anything I say at that point will not be right, will not be something he wants to hear.  Sometimes I try to limit the damage by apologising for what I did wrong (but things that happened years ago will also be brought up and I will also have to apologise for those things), trying to be validating (and in any case stop invalidating him anymore), and at other times fall flat on my face by JADEing.

I guess when I'm on my own, when I've had a chance to cool off a bit, I can look at what he said a bit more objectively.  Logically I know he's saying all these things, exaggerating certain things and conveniently forgetting other things to drive home the point that he feels hurt.  Then I try not to mince his words because they just do terrible stuff inside me.  But how do you stay objective and not get dragged into it during the argument?
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Zinnia21
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« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2017, 08:42:12 PM »

For me, 4 yrs later, certain acceptance levels and patience have worn off. In terms of the things I here him say, and how much I'm willing to nod and smile and avoid conflict.
It seems an ongoing dilemma. The knowledge they don't 'mean it' stacked against the need to correct a wrong / negative view they hold on you.

It reminds me of the feeling you get when the police drive by. You know you haven't done anything wrong, but you check yourself to make sure you're not guilty of something anyway! Their very presence puts you on edge, you're being judged as guilty until proven innocent, instead of the other way round. It becomes an automatic feeling after being with a BPD sometimes.

Either way, be it praise or criticism, it seems to often reflect the way they feel about themselves in that moment. My pwBPD thinks I'm great when he's feeling 'high' on life. And often thinks I'm part of his problems when he's feeling low.

If he is playing the movie of his distressed life through his own film projector, and you are merely his projector screen, clearly your role is neutral there. In moments of projection.
It helps you to see how little your actions actually affect his feelings. He's just projecting the feelings out into the world.
You sound like you know this on a deep enough level to have a strong sense of self. But just a bit worn down by it perhaps... ? And who wouldn't be? Having to be a zen projector screen isn't easy in the face of negative comments. I think it's healthy to question the negative views and stand up for yourself every now and again, even if it means conflict here and there.
For me personally, my sense of self suffers the most if I don't stand up for myself at least some of the time. But as someone mentioned, "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a diplomatic way of disagreeing.
I guess we can try that next... !  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Zinnia21
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« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2017, 09:00:15 PM »

One more specific thing I'd like to add is that when your husband says you've failed him, is it possible he's saying the world has failed him... ?
Does he generally hold a disappointed view of people letting him down?
If so, then naturally you are thrown into that category too...
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Chosen
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« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2017, 11:35:33 PM »

Either way, be it praise or criticism, it seems to often reflect the way they feel about themselves in that moment. My pwBPD thinks I'm great when he's feeling 'high' on life. And often thinks I'm part of his problems when he's feeling low.

THIS, definitely.  Problem is, though, I usually have a part to play in why he's feeling low.  I mean, he's probably feeling low to begin with- not caused by me- and then I added fuel to the fire and it just exploded.  Then the whole thing becomes my problem.  If he was just "down" because of other stuff (unrelated to me), it's much easier for me to validate.  But of course pwBPDs subconsciously want to drag you in emotionally too, and I guess I'm just all too ready to be dragged in most of the time, and I HATE myself for it. 

These days he keeps saying that divorce is the only way to go, as he has given me everything, I only take from him and I'm never satisfied.  While I think it's a bit exaggerated, I understand how my actions have caused him to feel this way so I really beat myself up for having done certain things out of impulse.  Again, if I had been calmer, if I had discerned that he was trying to throw the gauntlet, then I wouldn't have taken it.  But at that moment I didn't, so I JADED, fought, etc.

What we always learn on here, the tools that we learn, helps us to see that one person can change the dynamics of the relationship.  Yes it's hard to be the one who needs to stay calm, who needs to avoid putting the other party over the edge... .and I just can't seem to do that!  This is why I'm re-reading and re-reading the lessons and reminding myself.  I seem to be able to handle things better when I'm more mindful, and I've let it slip away over the past few years because things weren't as bad as before. 
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waitingwife
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« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2017, 05:04:40 AM »

I’d feel the same and my sense of self was so shaken after 10 years of marriage to my uBPDH. Going into therapy changed the course of things and it helped me rediscover my friendly self again. Therapy brought back the lost self confidence and mainly the zest to keep going & doing better. It’s a lotnof hard work but worth it in the long run. I still have some days that I find it very hard to not be on guard or get the empty feeling about our marriage after 13 years but it’s far and in between. I’ve also joined work full-time and that took the edge off. It’s been a challenge to coordinate things with uBPDH with both of us working but the sense of pride and self I get from my work relationships is priceless.
It looks like you’re on the right path, we all need refresher reading once in a while so don’t let that stop you from your journey.
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« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2017, 07:20:56 PM »

I can totally relate! I too have someone telling me I have let them down. It just creeps in on you when you least expect it. What I try to do is talk to the people in my life that know who I am and remind me of my true essence. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and that my guilt doesn't take me all over the place. At that point I just need to be grounded again and healthy relationships help me come back. I think people forget that we too are traumatized from the BPD episodes themselves. We're trying to be strong for two people and our self esteem can only take so much.
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