Something different

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night honestly shocked me. 

He lost some medicine so he had to spend back up money to get it replaced, the last we had till payday.  He didn't want to spend the money but was worried he'd be screaming at us the next couple days without it.  He asked if we needed anything and I mentioned I'm almost out of diapers.  That threw him into a rant about how I always say I'm out two days before payday, I don't plan ahead, I should never "almost" run out of baby needs, etc etc.  Our kids were staring at him and then he started getting louder.  When that happened our baby starting huffing and crying a bit.  When it got his attention, he got quiet for a minute.  I told the kids that it was bedtime anyways.  He got up and picked up our baby and told him that daddy was sorry for scaring him.  Then he hugged our oldest and told them he was sorry for yelling, he knows that he shouldn't be yelling because it's wrong and that our oldest doesn't need to be like him and do that.  He then told our boy that if he's yelling, he needs to say stop yelling daddy.  After that he played with the kids and got them both to laugh before handing them over to me to put to bed.  Later that night when I finally came to bed and was relaxing.  He told me that he's sorry he's such an a*hole and that he loves me very much and mean the world to him.  I told him that I appreciate that and he's doing good and I can tell that he's trying really hard to do better.  Told him I love him very much.  He held my hand and cuddled with me.

As much as I have a sometimes very roller coaster of a relationship, I still see that part of him that is a man who loves very much and has so much to give.  He may have BPD, but he is still a human and fully capable of wonderful things.  I don't think it's always a mask, I think it's that deep love he feels when he's able to enjoy life.  I don't ask him to change, he does it because he doesn't want to be always in the darkness.

[Frankee]

Last night honestly shocked me. 

He lost some medicine so he had to spend back up money to get it replaced, the last we had till payday.  He didn't want to spend the money but was worried he'd be screaming at us the next couple days without it.  He asked if we needed anything and I mentioned I'm almost out of diapers.  That threw him into a rant about how I always say I'm out two days before payday, I don't plan ahead, I should never "almost" run out of baby needs, etc etc.  Our kids were staring at him and then he started getting louder.  When that happened our baby starting huffing and crying a bit.  When it got his attention, he got quiet for a minute.  I told the kids that it was bedtime anyways.  He got up and picked up our baby and told him that daddy was sorry for scaring him.  Then he hugged our oldest and told them he was sorry for yelling, he knows that he shouldn't be yelling because it's wrong and that our oldest doesn't need to be like him and do that.  He then told our boy that if he's yelling, he needs to say stop yelling daddy.  After that he played with the kids and got them both to laugh before handing them over to me to put to bed.  Later that night when I finally came to bed and was relaxing.  He told me that he's sorry he's such an a*hole and that he loves me very much and mean the world to him.  I told him that I appreciate that and he's doing good and I can tell that he's trying really hard to do better.  Told him I love him very much.  He held my hand and cuddled with me.

As much as I have a sometimes very roller coaster of a relationship, I still see that part of him that is a man who loves very much and has so much to give.  He may have BPD, but he is still a human and fully capable of wonderful things.  I don't think it's always a mask, I think it's that deep love he feels when he's able to enjoy life.  I don't ask him to change, he does it because he doesn't want to be always in the darkness.

[Tattered Heart]

Those breakthrough moments are always comforting. They can begin to mend hurts. When my H has those moments, I always thank him for it just so he knows that I do see what he is doing, even if he doesn't get it perfect. Sometimes I'm just happy to get an apology because I went so many years without.

[Frankee]

It's nice to get those moments of gratitude for putting up with their bs.  Idk though.  I got yelled at.  Apparently I confused him when I was telling him I was picking our kid up early from school.  Says I'm always descriptive about stupid stuff like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but when it comes to the picking the kid up, what I was saying was "vague''.  All I could say was... wow... okay...  pretty much fell flat on my face with that one and couldn't recover.  Even after I answered what he wanted to know, it was too late because I already made him mad and couldn't answer the right way.  *sigh*  Kind of pissed of.  Really wanted to say "are you done", but I knew that would be goading him into screaming some more.  So I let him scream and didn't really say much.  He threw a few profanities and then hung up on me.  I really just shrugged it off.  I didn't realize what I was saying was going to throw him in a tailspin of confusion and getting pissed off.

Honestly what I got out of that, is I kind of think he just wanted to yell.  He has a problem with how I'm too descriptive or give to much detail, but then too vague on certain things.  So its whatever.  I apologized for being vague and confusing him.  :\  I guess from now on, anything I say is just going to have to be to the point, no explaining anything.  If he gets pissed because I'm confusing, then I'll dumb it down for him.

[Tattered Heart]

My H is that way too. I've learned that if I am stumbling over my words or sharing too much information that he will get frustrated and confused. I try to keep my directions short and too the point. If I set up the appointment, errands, directions and he runs across something that causes him the slightest inconvenience he blames me for it. I realize that it's him that has an issue, not me.

You apologized for being unclear. Were you really unclear or did you just apologize out of habit?

[Frankee]

You apologized for being unclear. Were you really unclear or did you just apologize out of habit?

I kind of am guilty of being unclear.  I did kind of trip over my words.  When he started yelling and throwing out questions, kind of lost track of what I had said or how I said it.  I get it.  When it comes the kids he's ultra sensitive.  If he has the slightest hint that our kid may not be picked up on time or left at school or unsure of who's picking him up... then he does go pretty bat crazy.  Think it just stirs up feelings from when he was a kid and that trauma.  I should of left it at I was picking him up.  I already knew what I was doing, but trying to relay the information to him, it got a bit jumbled.  The way my brain works, doesn't always let me just leave it simple.  I had to mention I talked to the school about picking him up early because of my work schedule and I talked to them.  Was a little TMI for him and I confused him.  At this point, all I can do is pick him up at 2pm like I said without any trouble.  I know he doesn't like me picking him up early, but my work frowned that I wanted to take lunch at 3pm.