Split black by close friend with Asperger's and BPD

[Basschick]

New here... .I have a close, long time friend, who I loved like a brother, who has suddenly cut me out of his life.  He used to call me several times a week and then suddenly started ignoring me.  I sent several messages asking what was going on.  (He has had some psychotic breaks in the past so I was concerned.)  After a month of ignoring me, I finally sent a message asking him to acknowledge my existence and please respond in some way. He send a nasty message saying "Back off. I'm not asking again!" He has posted on Facebook that he asked me for space (he didn't) and that he's not used to being around people (total BS -- he regularly has overnight visitors and he spent nearly everyday at my house last summer) and that I should just chill. He says he's not mad at me, that he's just depressed, yet he has blocked me on his phone, on Facebook messenger, has hidden his Facebook posts from me, and ignores my comments and posts. Facebook is a big deal to him and he considers hiding and ignoring someone on there to be the ultimate insult.  I have done so much for him over the last 2 1/2 years while he was homeless and struggling.  I helped him get disability benefits, housed him at times, gave him rides, raised money for him in a GoFundMe campaign, helped him move, wrote letters on his behalf, took him to the hospital and stayed with him, was his rock and emotional support, and it's like he's completely forgotten I exist.  Meanwhile, I see him interacting with other mutual "friends" of ours on Facebook -- commenting on and liking their posts -- while completely ignoring me... .very passive aggressive.  I feel like he's trying to goad me into just ending our friendship so he can play the victim.   

He is getting DBT from a therapist who specializes in Asperger's patients.  He's convinced her (and some of our mutual friends) that he's just being a shy Aspie who needs some alone time and I'm taking things too personally. All of his other friends have washed their hands of him because he's so difficult.  He thinks they're "giving him space" when, in actuality, they don't care about him anymore.  I've become persona non grata because I just wanted a response to my messages.  I alternate between being angry and wanting to tell him off for emotionally abusing me this way and being sad and missing the friendship we used to have.  There were a lot of laughs, bonding, and good times. I'm a mess and wondering if this silent treatment will ever end.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi Basschick,



I’d like to welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You obviously care a lot about your friend with all of the things that you’ve done for him. It must be awful being treated this after everything that you’ve done.

Was there something prior to being split black that could of been the catalyst? Was there a stressful event or something that was said between you?

[Turkish]

I had a friend like this.  I sent what I thought was an innocent email,  "why don't you contact me anymore?" I was there through a divorce,  subsequent drama with a bf,  visited her in the county hospital when she was 5150'd after assaulting that bf.  I used to listen to her and vent about all sorts of personal things.  She called,  ":)on't call me,  I'll call you!" Click. I think she took it that I had rejected her at some point,  despite everything else.

Splitting is a common coping mechanism that pwBPD (people with BPD) can exhibit.  See here for a discussion:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Hard to say what triggered this,  and it's hurtful.  I'd back off and give him space.  Leave the ball on his court. 

My son is an Aspie, but he's going through in-home ABA therapy to help him with the social stuff.  He is only 7, but I see the retreating/fleeing behaviors, as well as the Splitting.  I can't imagine having to deal with this of he were an adult 

T

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome basschick,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so confused about things right now. I can imagine how difficult it must be to not understand why your pwBPD just went NC. Did somehting happen before he disappeared? Did you have a fight?

Sadly, the only thing you can do for the moment is to give him some space. He has asked you not to contact him and the more you keep trying the further this will push him away. He might be depressed, but you can't fix that nor can you make him see that you are a good friend. I know that can be really hard to do. What are some things you are doing for yourself during this time?

In the meantime, we have a lot of great workshops on the right side of the page that can help you begin working on ways to better communicate with your pwBPD in the event that he does initiate contact again.