Day 7 and counting...

[grandmag]

   So... .day 7 since I reported my family to cps.

   Yesterday my dil went to both schools and the boys and girls club and removed me from any contact or emergency pick-up. I expected that, but they didn't after 7 years.

   My son is still bullying me by text. He was to get me the kids' social security numbers so I can open a tax-deferred college plan for each child... .so far, he is only willing for me to give him my money so he can deposit it in the savings accts he says he already has for the kids. No dice.

   He said today that he does not plan to allow me to have my visits with my granddaughter (he does not have custody of her, but has done my visits since she was 2.) I am going back to court for one hearing to re-establish my grandparents' rights... .already talked with my attorney.

   Son is not the son or the father he was, even 2 years ago. He has already told me he is under the control of dil.

   Saw my counselor today... .nothing new, still proud of me, now we wait for cps to do their job.Hard to trust a "system"

   I am making progress on packing to move.

   I feel free... .but the ones I love are not... .yet.

                grandmag

[Notwendy]

I am glad you feel free.

IMHO, not one dime to your son. If he really wanted the money for the kids' college plans, he would agree to the 529 plans. If he won't provide you with their social security #, then he isn't on board with that- he is not acting on their best interest. Also while you want the best for them, it isn't your responsibility to send them to college. It would be nice to help- but that isn't an expectation you need to meet. If he wants money, but isn't cooperating with the college fund, then he plans to do something else with it and it may not go to the grandkids.

It doesn't surprise me that these behaviors are escalating when you start establishing boundaries and looking out for yourself. There is an extinction burst when this happens. Keep the drama triangle in mind. They don't see themselves as being the cause of the consequences of their behavior- but as victims.

IMHO, hold on to your money for now. The kids will get older. At one point, they will know they social security # and it is possible that CPS might provide them for you. IMHO, I wouldn't even involve their parents. I have 529 accounts for my kids, but I manage them. My password, my bank accounts- to be used for their college expenses. I don't know all the state laws but you could possibly do this too. Their parents don't even need to know about this if you do choose to do this. But I suspect considering the situation- that if the parents know there is money in the kids' name they will try to get it.

Growing up, we were not wealthy but we had enough- but the money was controlled by BPD mother. My father got into debt meeting her needs. We didn't lack for anything that was important- food, shelter, clothing, health care. When it came to college, there wasn't money for me- yet there was money for what my mother wanted. I managed with some assistance from them and working during school. This isn't a bad thing for students. It was the dynamics in my family that were distressing. My grandparents didn't help with college expenses. I didn't expect them too. It is nice to help- but your grandkids can get through college without it if they have to. All that is in the future- for now, take care of you.

[Panda39]

I'm with Notwendy, no money to your son or dil, it will never make it to your grandsons.  Maybe for now you could just open a regular savings account in your name and start saving until you're able to open a 529 for your grandsons later on.

Did you ever talk with your grandson's teacher?

Glad to hear about the progress with your move it sounds like working towards that is helping you stay busy and occupied as this process unfolds.  It is hard to trust the "system" and have to rely on someone else to make decisions that are so important to you and the well being of your grandsons, but for now you wait, you see how it plays out and you act accordingly.

Panda39

[grandmag]

   My income is social security. I have to report my inheritance and there is a deadline/I already explained this to son. I am allowed to "keep" some of the money
but only for ertain specific things. The 529 plan is allowable.What I don't spend, I lose some of my social security. Trust me, I do my homework
     
              savvy grandmag

[Notwendy]

Yes you have done your HW.


You can have a 529 fund for yourself. I know that I can transfer funds from one account to another, so if one child doesn't use them all, they can be transferred to another immediate family member.

What if you put it in one in your name, and add the children later? You can then transfer the money in your fund to them.

[Turkish]

Thought of an ESA instead of a 529?

[grandmag]

   

   
the drama continues.

I needed a comfort clip for the seat belt on driver's side of my new car. I bought the car at the dealership where my son is parts manager. When I called, he answered. Didn't expect that. I told him what I needed and asked him if he carried it and would order one. Son:Probably. Suddenly he shouted I am at WORK. I am BUSY! And, then hung up.

I called WalMart, automotive comfort clip, $2.97 and a 7 minute drive from my home.

Last night, at 11:30 I was answering e-mails... .very loud crash from my bedroom window. WOW! My calico jumped and I called 911. The officer was not a gentleman. He said he patroled and saw nobody outside. Then we found a good sized rock below my window on the ground. I have a small garden there, and it is kept with mulch, no weeds, and NO rocks. "officer" this could have been kids. Me: you just patroled and saw nobody out. Officer: maybe a bird flew into your window
Me: carrying a rock? I told him about dil... .he said so you think she drove clear across town at this hour to bang on your window? I said it is possible, she is out of control. Officer:Lady  I see this kinda thing all the time... I see everything including dead kids. Wow Then he said they are in my complex frequently and usually it is nothing.Wow He left without even giving me the report#
 My blood sugar was 208. My friend and neighbor M was here before the police were.

I called the police desk and got the report # and made a complaint.

I was planning to get a protective order, but it is only a pice of paper. You have to trust the police to show up and do something right.

worked about 3 hours packing, putting clip on seatbelt and making a nice dinner for M and me (she helped with packing)

I am still very tired, and can only put so much "stable" in my life at this time.
Maybe there is a nice hotel close by... .but I don't run away.

                    grandmag

[Notwendy]

I think it is time to stop doing business at the dealer your son works for.

Personally, I have found it best to avoid any kind of connection with my mother where I need something or am using something of hers. It leaves an opportunity for drama. She has a car she rarely uses, but if we were to drive it when we are there, there would be drama. I would call a cab before I asked to use it. Same for anything of hers- better not to touch it. She would find some way to accuse me of a scratch or dent ( that was there before) or taking something of hers. I know this doesn't make sense in the typical world- of course if I had a relative who worked at a car dealer, that is where I would go, but BPD changes this. The problem is that any contact with your son at his job, or the dealer,  opens an opportunity for drama. Best to avoid it.

I am glad you made the report to police. They unfortunately see all kinds of domestic issues and teen vandalism and it seems that officer was not impressed. It is hard to say who did this but now the police will hopefully be more aware of your situation.

[grandmag]

How long do we have to go through this?

   Busy 12 hour day, working, caching up paperwork, etc. My friend M helped me catch up laundry while I did other work. Felt a lil better, still tired.

   This evening, it was too quiet. Son's friend tried to call him but no response. I kept thinking about the boys. Called the police and asked for a well-being call to son's house.

   When they called back,   the cop said he saw the boys, they were fine, and son said I was interfering, over my bounds, etc. And that I was to have no contact with them, and they were getting a protective order.

   Two minutes later, son texted and said he would let me know if he ever wanted to see me again.

   WOW

   The cop said the house was cluttered.

 

[Turkish]

I know this is tough to deal with,  but I'd step back unless you got signals that the kids were in immediate danger.  You may not learn of anything for a while.  It might be probable that CPS won't update you for a while.  It would drive me crazy too, but calling the cops to do welfare checks repeatedly may blow back on you.

The kids have lived like they are for a long while.  While not healthy emotionally or physically, they don't seem to be in any immediate danger.  My mother had us living in conditions unacceptable,  but they were survivable. 

I'm not sanguine on CPS or whatever equivalent authority based upon my experience as a child and also as a middle aged adult regarding my kids.  However,  you've done what is right based upon what you know.  Your son's BFF and his wife validated your view of the situation.  The authorities are involved.  As frustrating as it is,  can you step back and let them work for a while?

I'm concerned that you'll be so worried that you'll keep calling for welfare checks and this valid resource might loose its teeth when perhaps best needed. 

[grandmag]

   Turkish:

   Don't worry, I have only called them once. After 2 weeks had passed since dil's raging here and pulling the kids out, and son not saying kids were ok, my worry got the best of me. Especially when son's friend couldn't reach him today.

   Besides that, my opinion of the PD is ... .low after the rock at my wall just 2 nights ago.

   After the text from son tonight, I crocheted a kitchen hotpad for my friend who is helping me pack.
   
   I am going to bed soon and reading a novel from the library. Good Night.

               grandmag

[Notwendy]

This is difficult-

Your son has set a boundary with you. You may not agree with it- but he has requested that you stay away from him and his family. He may not completely mean it forever, but he is angry and said it. This is only my opinion but if you were to push this boundary- either yourself or through the police, you risk losing a connection with him for good.

This is also a pattern. Think Romeo and Juliet. Opposition to the relationship or someone in the relationship pushes two people further together. Think drama triangle- you are in persecutor position. Your son and DIL will bond together against you.

There is also the law. The legal definition of abuse or neglect may not match your standards of parenting. CPS has to look at custody issues in context of the law. Even if children are removed from the home, there can be parental visitations, or a plan to reunite the children with their parents after a certain time and standards are met- such as parenting classes. It is possible that even if you did get the kids, they would still have time with their parents and you and their parents would have to communicate with each other.

You've contacted the law, and CPS- now that part is in their hands. If you do think the kids are in danger, then absolutely call for help for them, but cluttered, or dirty may not be imminent danger in the legal sense.  

[grandmag]

 
UPDATE

   My cable provider has been here again... .they already replaced the cable lines inside and out. I still have interrupted phone and internet service. I also have been receiving calls on BOTH landline and cell, from numbers I do not know and people I do not know. One is a breather... .cable technician called it back, it i traced to my son's texting ... .he is the subcriber. The technician told me to contact victim's assitance, the nuisance bureau and the police AGAIN.

   Today, my doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication and said I look exhausted.

   I had a low blood sugar attack while in the doctor's office.

   Yesterday, I reached the cps case worker... .everything is confidential and she is not concerned about the family.
... .A  few hours later I called her assessment suspervisor... she was to investigate the investigator.

   Expletive!

   On police advice, I now carry a police whistle in one hand and my cell phone in the other while I try to walk with my walker!

   My apasrtment paperwork is complete, I am officially MOVING

   Another friend is coming friday to help pack. My books are all packed.

   Tomorrow M and I are going out to window shop and then have dinner.

   My cat is biting and my vet has her on anti-depressasnt.

  I am doing everything I can do for me, for my family, for my cat... .

   Why does it not seem like enough?

     What is cps DOING?

   

   
   
   

[Notwendy]

I don't know what CPS is doing, but they have to go by the legal evidence of neglect/abuse. Your standard of parenting may be higher than this. They see all kinds of horrific situations. Unfortunately emotional abuse is hard to find evidence for.

You made the call to CPS, but after that, what happens is out of your hands. The law also protects families and their rights as well. CPS can investigate after a call, but they need certain evidence to act on it.

Did I read this right- your son is making "breather" calls to you?  The only intent I can imagine is to scare/harass you. I can understand him being angry at the CPS involvement, but this is quite the reaction.

Grandmag- IMHO, you have done what you can legally do for your grandchildren. I am not surprised there is backlash, and what you see is indicative of the nature of the two of them- your son and DIL - and their choices of how they treat you. If you can, I think it is time to focus on you- this situation is stressful and affecting you. I know you love your son and grandchildren but your obligation is to your own health and well being. One thing to consider is that the call to CPS was worthwhile in the sense that you did what you thought was best, but having done that, the outcome is out of your hands, and there isn't anything else you can do. Having done that, one option is to focus on you, not them as much as you can.

Moving is a great opportunity for a fresh start for you.