Left shocked and blind-sided by breakup

[heartbroken03]

Hi there. I'm looking for support on how to deal with the destructive aftermath of being dumped by my BPD girlfriend. There's no way to make this long story short so apologies in advance!
We had been together for 6 years. The kind of intense and intoxicating romance that
 seems to be a common factor with BPD. There was always an element of emotional instability and impulsivity to her but she had been sexually abused most of her life, so I was always very tolerant of any emotional outbursts. We have tried to live together twice, but both times she has moved out after 6-12 months saying that it's too hard for her (we both have children and there was an adjustment period she wasn't able to cope with). Over the last 2-3 years she developed a serious drinking problem, going through about 4 bottles of vodka a week. Whenever I tried to express concern about this I was 'controlling' or 'making her feel guilty'. So I put up with spending all my weekends with a very drunk girlfriend.
Eventually in June she couldn't ignore my concerns any more as she ended up in hospital with pancreatitis from alcohol. Never once did I say 'I told you so'. Instead I loved and supported her, cared for her son while she was in hospital for almost 3 weeks and told her I was proud of her when she took steps towards giving up alcohol. Then early August I get a phone call from her saying she's feeling suicidal and has gone to hospital. She ended up spending 4 days in an acute mental care and again I was there every day visiting her, caring for her son and supporting her. I dropped everything including my own children to care for her the night she came home. That night she told me how much she loved me and that she wouldnt be alive if it wasnt for me. After drinking half a bottle of vodka. The following week we spent a nice weekend together and on the Sunday I get a message from her saying she needs a break from the relationship so she can focus on 'getting better'. So i wait patiently for almost 3 weeks with occasional contact to give her 'space'. In this time she spends another 4 nights in the mental hospital. She was then diagnosed with BPD and I wasn't surprised at all. But when I eventually got her to talk to me 3 weeks ago about our relationship she tells me straight out she wants to break up. That she has lost herself in the relationship and isn't in love with me anymore. We have had contact once since and this is the only esxplanation I can get from her. Yet 3 months ago she was talking about wanting to move back in together and wanting to be around me all the time. Please help with the confusing mess I am left with! Did she ever really love me or was I another distraction for her emotional pain? How can she just throw me aside after I have put my heart and soul into our relationship?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi heartbroken03 and Welcome! 

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through and can understand the pain and confusion you describe.  Your story has similarities to others here and you will find that this is a good place to come for support and understanding.  Many people who have not experienced a BPD r/s breakup can struggle to relate to the feelings we are left with afterwards.  It is very hard to comprehend the change in our loved ones from loving us to backing out of the r/s, and often members have a hard time with the lack of closure.  How do you feel about reconciliation?  If she were open to reconsider, would you wish to return to the relationship?

Here is a link that I often share when people first arrive, as it helped me a lot to understand more about what I had experienced and some of the reasons for that.  I hope it can help you also.  Do let us know if you feel that any of the article reflects aspects of the behaviour you have encountered in the relationship.

How a borderline relationship evolves

Keep reading others' posts and take a look around at the articles and lessons to the right of the board when you feel ready as these are extremely informative.  Things can and do get better, so post as much as you feel you need to and we will be here to help you with this.

Love and light x

[heartbroken03]

Thank you that is exactly how the relationship was! There was never really any hate or rage stage, she just withdrew affection when she was feeling anxious or depressed or when I had done or said something to offend. The beginning of The relationship was exactly as described - She was the victim all her life, EVERBODY always left her and I was her knight (or princess) in shining armour. The compassion and need to protect this poor fragile person was so strong - and still is. But I feel like I have built her up and shown her love only to be dumped when she hit a mental and emotional crisis. I always put myself last in the relationship and now it's tough to reverse that thinking. If she wanted to reconcile I would be very quickly drawn back into that caretaker role despite knowing that it's not healthy for either of us

[Harley Quinn]

Hi heartbroken03,

I've just had a quick look online and I think we'd still be called knights, just of the female variety   (Love it when something sparks my curiosity!)  I'm glad that you recognise that it isn't a healthy dynamic for you.  I can relate entirely.  It was before my r/s that I'd realised I had codependent traits and was even told by family members that I'd "always picked up waifs and strays, patched them up and sent them on their way" so I was clear on my rescuer tendencies, however they went into overdrive with my BPD ex and I knew it was leaving me running on empty, with nothing left for myself.  My advice is to take a little time and space to repair yourself now, to turn that love and devotion towards yourself as much as you would have her.  Entering any r/s in this depleted state is not going to go according to plan, whether that be a return to one or the start of a new one.  You need to get back to a level starting point and invest in your own strength and well being.  Are you still open to contact and if so how does that work for you?  What has been agreed on this?

Here's a link to an article I have referred back to more than any other since my breakup, as it allowed me to see how I was doing in my detaching.  We're running a series of polls currently on these beliefs, marked with stars on the board, so do take a look at these also and your input will help others like you.  I hope you find this article as helpful as I did.

How to survive a breakup with a pwBPD

So getting onto you and your recovery.  How do you spend your time?  :)o you have close friends and family you can spend time with, perhaps reconnect?  Hobbies and interests?  I found that picking up things I'd allowed to fall to the wayside was a real boost for me, filled my time and gave me a sense of achievement.  Try to find ways to re introduce joy and fulfilment into your days, get outside, start something you always wanted to but didn't get around to.  At the same time, make space for your pain and allow yourself to grieve.  Be kind to yourself and don't neglect your basic needs.  Many of us struggle with depression following a breakup like this, so be mindful of this and seek help if necessary.  It's a tough road, and one so worth travelling.  We'll be here along the way so keep sharing.

Love and light x

[heartbroken03]

Hi Harley Quinn
Thanks so much for all your advice, its so comforting to know others in the same situation. We have had limited contact about our children spending time together as they miss each other. I have made the mistake of asking her what happened to make her break up with me and if there was any chance for us in the future. She simply replied "I am not in love with you anymore and I don't see a future for us. It was unfair of me to stay in the relationship the way I was feeling so I decided to end it. Sorry for hurting you"
She has also told me that she has "a lot going on at the moment" but is getting the help she needs. And that she's been back in the mental hospital twice since we broke up 3 weeks ago. I've offered my support as a friend because it's so hard not to want to care for her now after all these years. But she is actually the one restricting contact.
So you're right - I do need to start looking after myself now as I have given her all my emotional, financial and physical energy these past 6 years.
I have 2 children to keep me busy and I work as a nurse (yes I am a fixer!) so on my limited free time I have been seeing friends, binge watching tv and trying to get out and walk the dog etc. Some days it's been hard to get off the sofa but I am trying to set myself small goals. The constant anxiety still sits with me, a leftover feeling from the last few months of the relationship. And i think some PTSD. I am seeing a therapist and have also started medication for the anxiety and depression I've been feeling. I just want the yucky feelings to go away and I want to stop missing her

[jo19854]

Hi HB,
I read your post and can only wish you strenght, wisdom and devotion to yourself.
As HQ stated, i am one of those with a similar story.
I dont know what is best for you, but i am someone who never gave up on my wife. And i still love her, but i know i have to let it go, no matter how hard that is.

After seven years of knowing eachother and fighting against the odds my fiancee returned to my home in 2010.
She came out of a nursing home where she almost died. (relapsing on Vodka and wine)
Eventually we got married in 2012 because everything went so well. She dissapeared two years Feb 2014 later when i was at work, and i have never ever heard from her again.

My wife was also raped and molested in her childhood, drug abuse in the past, a father who left the family and drank himself to death and a narc mother who never spoke to her.
My parents were like parents for her, the ones she never had. She never ever wrote them a letter or anything.

With all the love in us, they dont know what it is.
Read my profile and maybe (just like me) you can learn from it. I still try to learn from it. It's hard.

At this moment i am in good hands, I visit a professor in psychology and we have conversations every two weeks. He is caring and not following a standard procedure. He is an expert on unresolved (complicated) grief.
We now decided that I allow the grieving, but the minute its followed by the immense pain from thinking about why, how can she do this, the contradictions etc. I immediately try to focus on something else. It's the ruminating that kills us. It wont help. Our partners are mentally ill and it destroys them and us until they admit and find help.

Take care HB and HQ,

Jo
ps HB, read my profile if you want to read the similarities in our lives. Maybe you will see that it doesnt matter how much you love someone who is ill.

[jo19854]

After seven years of knowing eachother and fighting against the odds my fiancee returned to my home in 2010.
She came out of a nursing home where she almost died. (relapsing on Vodka and wine)
Eventually we got married in 2012 because everything went so well. She dissapeared two years Feb 2014 later when i was at work, and i have never ever heard from her again.

just to add to my response. I was in the same position in 2010 as you are right know. It hurts, confuses, and i was willing to fight for her.
Suddenly, 4 years later she completely destroyed my life by vanishing and even until now.

Jo

[heartbroken03]

My wife was also raped and molested in her childhood, drug abuse in the past, a father who left the family and drank himself to death and a narc mother who never spoke to her.

Jo
Thank you so much for taking the time to post. It's strangely comforting to know that other people are in the same situation. Reading your profile almost brought me to tears. I know the struggle of caring for somebody who is so ill. Like your wife, my gf was molested as a child and later as an adult repeatedly and by various men. Both her parents are alcoholics and are only a token support for her as neither is able to even look after themselves properly. Like you I struggle with closure, but I feel for you not even knowing where your wife is and being able to at least know she is ok. Knowing my ex is alive is at least keeping me sane for the moment, as she has recently been suicidal. I can't imagine the pain you must feel not knowing how she is and if she is ok. You're right - it doesn't matter how much we love them and how much we do. The illness overrides everything. I wish you all the strength and willpower you can find to be able to move on with your life and find some peace for yourself x

[Lost-love-mind]

There was never really any hate or rage stage, she just withdrew affection when she was feeling anxious or depressed or when I had done or said something to offend. The beginning of The relationship was exactly as described - She was the victim all her life, EVERBODY always left her and I was her knight (or princess) in shining armour. The compassion and need to protect this poor fragile person was so strong -

My exBPD was a mystery as well.
She shared stories of stalkers, abusive philandering ex husband (s) and a mother dating multiple guys, and one that put moves on her as a teenager.

I should have bailed when I heard that crap in the first month. However, the love bombing sucked me in and held me like the "spell" cast from the occult (which she was a fan of horror movies).

Looking back , there was an intelligent and attractive woman that really was obliterated by her past. She was pissed after the breakup and my initial research suggested BPD and told her sane in an email in response to her diagnosis of me as a narcissist.

Im so obsessed by her and the short time we spent together (only 2 mos). I realize my childhood of no father (he died when I was 10) led to my own BPD spectrum and fear of abandonment.

Time for me to use my self evaluation and make corrections for the future as a healthy male ready to meet a functional woman . Assuming they exist.

[heartbroken03]

Looking back , there was an intelligent and attractive woman that really was obliterated by her past.

I keep thinking the same. That's she's an intelligent and caring person who is truly a victim of her past. It makes me feel sorry for her and want to stick around to clean up the mess. God knows I tried for 6 years. It makes me so sad that some people can abuse others and ruin their lives without a thought of how it's going to affect the persons ability to develop any kind of healthy relationship. And I give thanks for the fact that I had a normal happy childhood that has made me into the person I am today. I don't know if anyone can ever truly recover from that kind of abuse and it's just unfair that these amazing people have been ruined by others who felt it was their right to take what they needed. All we can do is try to move on as you said and be in a functional relationship, if such a thing exists