Accused of BPD/NPD

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I've lost count the number of times my uexBPDh\uexNPDh has accused me of being NPD. Not only is he really adamant about it, he's usually very aggressive in-my-face about it. The reasons he comes up with are pretty far out there: half truths, twisted thinking, flat out lies, projection, etc. He routinely claims he knows me better than I know myself and that "everyone" knows this.

At first it shocked and confused me. I know three separate therapists who told me he's NPD. 2 of the 3 have met with him several times - with us together and separate. The one who hasn't met him is my trauma therapist and she believes he's also BPD. His behavior fits the traits, especially the Jekyl/Hyde thing. 

I've also asked these therapists several times if I am NPD. They all say I am definitely not NPD or BPD. My therapist also goes through the DSM-5 with me regarding BPD and NPD. I've also asked my close friends. They also tell me I'm not. I don't believe I am but it's nice to have other people tell me who I hope would tell me if I were. They tell me the fact that I can genuinely ask if I'm NPD means that I am not.

I've learned that narcissism is a spectrum and there is a healthy level of narcissism which is what I have per my therapist. I was a co-dependent doormat. I'm no longer that. You need a healthy level of narcissism to survive and be healthy. This is what he's probably seeing. It's all a bit mind boggling at times.

Has your BPD person ever accused you of being BPD or NPD? If so, how did you handle it?

[vanx]

Yes, she said I was BPD. I reacted by believing her enough to ask my therapist and doctor. I believe it was a case of projection or disordered thinking, though personally I do identify with several of the traits.
I think you can trust the opinion of professionals.

[SuperJew82]

Yes, I was also a narcissistic sociopath. Not sure if it was part of the vilification, splitting, or projection.
This is a very common theme. Another very common observation is being called " controlling "

[heartbroken03]

Yes, I was also a narcissistic sociopath. Not sure if it was part of the vilification, splitting, or projection.
This is a very common theme. Another very common observation is being called " controlling

I was called controlling soo many times. Whenever I tried to approach a subject that was sensitive or talk about about her behaviour or alcohol abuse. If I so much as offered advice about her destructive behaviour or expressed any concern for her health I was "controlling" or "making her feel guilty"

[Lost-love-mind]

I was accused by my exBPD if narcissism. Yet, when I look at her behavior e.g. multiple exposed large tattoos, belief in bizarre conspiracy theories and shunning coworkers that she despised because they failed to agree with her political beliefs.
Yet, she had BPD traits of childish nature e.g. wearing pigtails at age 45 to events ? Plus all the typical life tragedies of deceased father at age 2, mother more concerned with men than nurturing her children, molested by one of those men, multiple marriages to musicians that were involved with idolizing psychedelic drugs and the occult, yadda, yadda.
Gaslighting me posted breakup to rationalize the sudden change of her idealized attitude toward me.
I became one of her stalkers as I left gifts on her front porch and sent multiple emails.
It all fits a large spectrum of PD behaviors.
Yet, I still dream of the intimacy and the fun shopping 2d hand stores.
She never took my money, so she was not a gold digger .
Someday I wonder if she will ever realize she could be different by putting her past in perspective and being the nice conservative intellectual person she portrayed at the start of our relationship.
Nice pipe dream after reading this forum.

[Fie]

I was accused of being BPD once by my ex. I asked: 'what?' upon which he answered : 'nothing, nothing'. I had no idea what BPD was. His answer makes me realize he probably knew he had it but didn't want to expose that to me.

He accused me of being controlling all of the time.

[SuperJew82]

I was always controlling or a sociopath. A lot of name-calling in general. I look forward to having a real adult relationship.

I'm so much more at peace now. It's like overcoming a drug addiction. I'm dating right now and there might not be the "highs" I had experienced before - but there is no immature chaos, sabotage, paranoia, etc... .

It's so much better.

[Lost-love-mind]

A lot of name-calling in general. I look forward to having a real adult relationship.

-xxxxxx - but there is no immature chaos, sabotage, paranoia, etc... .

Yes. My negative experiences with the exBPD we're mostly post breakup. The vile name calling she bestowed upon me, which proved her emotional maturity was stagnated in her teens when she ran away after being ? by a bf of her mother.

I've finally started meeting new women and hope to have a mature friendship/ relationship.
I know it's possible. Thanks SuperJew

[SuperJew82]

The cycle usually goes into the breakup phase where the nasty of the nasty stuff comes out while you try to have a traditional " go your separate ways " type of breakup. I've had my fair share of ways where after the breakup, we both wish each other well and do our own thing. Sometimes there might be a bummed out night that a couple beers and some friends can help with and you typically don't hear from each other - maybe a " How have you been?" message once in a blue moon, if that.

A breakup with a pwBPD is something from bizarro world. I've literally gotten 80+ text in a row in one day, alternating from "I hate you" to "Let's have a family".

If the recycle happens - 99.99% of the time the same thing will just repeat because we think that they are going to instantly change or come to a realization.This is not going to happen. You will go through another high that will end in a low. If one decides to stay with a pwBPD, they have to accept that it's going to be a rough ride and make sure they are mentally prepared for the challenges ahead.

I accepted the fact that I wasn't equipped to handle this. I chose to be selfish and let her go. I know I can find someone that is healthier for me, if I choose to do so.

Looking back I should have gotten a restraining order. These people are going through severe emotional turmoil and just don't know how to handle this. They are not evil, but rather have the emotional regulation of a 3 or 4 year old. If a 3 year old doesn't get his/her way... .he can throw a fit, meltdown, cry, name call, hit and bite his preschool friend.

This is kind of like the taller version of the behaviour.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

SuperJew82, I agree with you. Hindsight is a great thing.  Looking back as well, I used to joke that I had two small children and one really big one (my uexBPDh). I now know he was emotionally arrested and really did (does) have the emotional regulation of a toddler. He routinely has tantrums when he doesn't get his way. It felt really disturbing once I realized that. Even if I had known that while we were still married, I still think I would have left him. I just couldn't do it.

[SuperJew82]

It is a lot to deal with. At least with my kids, I can coach them into finding resolutions and know that as they mature more and more they will start adopting these new skills naturally.

A pwBPD will always be emotionally stunted. The goal of therapy is to have them become mindful of these feelings and intercept them before they come into action. My ex's emotions were so strong, I do have my doubts that the best education can come into play when she feels a certain pressure on her.

I know this is a little out of scope - but I will never really truly understand how it must feel to have their identity issues - to not really know who they are or what their values are.

My exDBPDgf would spend all day cleaning my house top to bottom and then I would pop by her apartment and it was simply a horrible horrible mess. She would rarely do anything that was in her best interest. Come to find out, everything she did was centered around keeping me emotionally available. It's sad. I can't think of any activities she did on her own, everything was based around me.

[BPSib]

Yes! My BPD sister tells me I'm a narcissist and abusive. This usually comes out when I'm having boundaries with her and calmly refusing to engage. I think boundaries are terrifying for BPDs because they perceive other people's separateness as abandonment of themselves.

[MeandThee29]

All that and more... .

My mother was narcissistic and told all her friends that I wouldn't be at my father's funeral because I was in a mental hospital. When I showed up at the funeral, I caused quite an uproar until word got around that I wasn't crazy after all.

My spouse did the same, telling me all the time how messed up I am and how I'd die alone because no one likes me. For a time, he convinced his relatives that my problems were the reason we broke up. Most of them know better now, especially one brother that has spent hours and hours with him on the phone since I'm out of the picture. Ironically my relatives immediately took my side and weren't at all surprised about the separation despite really not being around him much.