These trials as our instruction on life

[spacecadet]

This is something I wanted to share with both those still in r/s who undergo pain and those who've finished with the r/s and are in recovery. Pain is something we all instinctively run from, and we invariably move toward pleasure... .it's our nature and it's as it should be.

At the same time, we have higher natures, our intellects and faith lives, and there is a sharp desire to find, along with relief from the pain we suffer, some meaning to draw out of our experiences. Why did we or do we love someone who leaves us without apparent reason, who does not return our love, or who stays and causes us grief and pain due to their illness? But this is only one cause of suffering, life is full of problems and pain.

I want to share a Persian parable that speaks to this, it's been told for centuries and re-told as of the 1800s.

A young man, Majnun, is separated from his beloved Layla and his despair makes him mad until finally he leaves his home seeking the solace of death. A guard, seeing his mad state, chases him, and Majnun gives flight and curses the guard as a tyrant and his "angel of death." Other guards give chase until Majnun, his heart broken and his feet bloody from the run, despairs of finding relief. Finally he comes to a high wall, scales it and throws himself from the top of the wall. He expects the relief of death, but instead finds himself in a beautiful garden, reunited with Layla. He asks God to bless the guard who chased him, declaring him the angel Gabriel.

There are myriad interpretations of this as any parable. A key one is that trials are what instruct us in life and bring us closer to our true selves, or one might say reunion with the divine.

This is not to say people should seek pain or unease or remain in a situation of chronic abuse. But if we think of trials as our instruction, it can help us detach and view difficult moments or seasons of despair as our guides to becoming more of who we were intended to be. We can find meaning in loss, insight from seasons where we were buffeted by grief, and ... .if we continue to do our inner work, peace in the midst of a storm.
For those who wish to consider more, this link provides the parable with some context with classical Christian theology and psychology as well (drawing from Erich Fromm). bahai-library.com

[once removed]

At the same time, we have higher natures, our intellects and faith lives, and there is a sharp desire to find, along with relief from the pain we suffer, some meaning to draw out of our experiences.

these were along the thoughts that helped sustain me at my worst. fortunately, through work, i found those things and came to peace.

its not exactly the same belief as "everything happens for a reason" (which is not something i would say to someone, who say, had discovered they have cancer), but it is a drive to take and make something of the circumstances we encounter in a world where pain and tragedies happen. i also agree the idea behind it is not that we should all become masochists  

i like this version of the same ideal:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=147487.0

[spacecadet]

Thank you for sharing Once Removed, I like this very much. I hope the chart helps others regain optimism and and find meaning in what has happened/is happening w/r/to their r/s.

[Lucky Jim]

trials are what instruct us in life and bring us closer to our true selves, or one might say reunion with the divine.

Agree, wisedup22.  Going through the BPD crucible is what forced me to grow and become more authentic.  In a sense, this is the gift we receive in the aftermath of BPD r/s, which leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[Insom]

That's a great chart, once removed.  Thanks for posting.  What does it mean if you can identify with statements in all three columns?

[once removed]

can you give some examples?

also, heres a longer form of the chart: https://www.havoca.org/survivors/

[Insom]

Hmm . . . there are a few statements in each column that I can relate to.  For example, row two is about self esteem.  Sometimes I feel I have low self esteem, other times I've seen myself as healing, but lately I think I am more in touch with gratitude.  When I think about my relationship with my BPD-ex I mainly feel gratitude now, even though in some ways I'm still haunted by it.   

Row 11 is about storytelling.  There was a period when I wanted to talk about my BPD-ex and abuse.  For many years I felt beyond it and now I'm wanting to acknowledge that it happened again. 

[confusedbloke]

Funny really. Just looked at that chart Once put up. I was / am a thriver and she was / is a victim... .They were our personalities​... .I think enmeshment was to follow... .

[once removed]

Hmm . . . there are a few statements in each column that I can relate to. 

i think you can look at the chart in both a broad way (as it applies to long held belief systems like "bad things happen to me" ie often wounded by unsafe others) and one thats situational.

the chart is talking about more situational low self esteem, like the "self esteem crash" that might occur after a breakup, which is what i think youre speaking to. by your description, it sounds like you are making progress.

i dont know that long term low self esteem is necessarily about seeing oneself as a victim, but it certainly can color ones world view, and a victim mentality can be rooted in that.

not sharing ones story doesnt necessarily make them a victim, and someone who is a victim often shares excessively.

the chart is a guidepost really, more than something to be taken completely literally. for instance, while a victim mentality might manifest as ':)oesn’t deserve nice things or trying for the “good life.”", it also might manifest as excessive and unrealistic entitlement and expectations. the point is if you identify with one column more than the rest, you have a pretty good idea of where youre at.

the chart really speaks to wisedup22's OP. the general idea is that victims are afraid/fearful/avoidant, and bad things simply "happen to them" that they have no control over. a survivor/thriver looks for the purpose and meaning behind their suffering, takes responsibility for their life, sees "the bright side", takes action. theyre different world views.

[vanx]

Interesting thread! Once (or others if you have thoughts), can this chart apply to depression as well? I identify with, for instance, the hopelessness of victim mentality. Is depression a separate issue or
could the chart be a reminder to take charge more?
As to the OP, the main thing that gets me through this is the idea that I have things to learn. I agree completely.

[Seenowayout]

It's the classic arc of the hero -- from the ordinary world called to adventure dragged down into hell but through true self discovery comes out hero rather than victim -- Hercules, Jesus, Frodo Baggins, Luke Skywalker -- us?  Imagine if Frodo stayed in the Shire?  Overcame incredible temptation but through remaining true to inner truths (loyalty to friends, right bs wrong, bravery and grit) come out a better person. Or God. Or Hobbit