Why did pwBPD say and do those things?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Moderator note: this post was split from the following thread in order to advance the discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314299.msg12896762#msg12896762

This is a sad realization apocalypsenow.  I never knew that. Truly is sad if that's what's going on.  Can anyone shed light on what the BPD does? Do they just jump from relationship to relationship seeking fulfillment?

[AnuDay]

Moderator note: this post was split from the following thread in order to advance the discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314299.msg12896762#msg12896762

This is a sad realization apocalypsenow.  I never knew that. Truly is sad if that's what's going on.  Can anyone shed light on what the BPD does? Do they just jump from relationship to relationship seeking fulfillment?

[Harley Quinn]

Borderline Personality Disorder is a Disorder of the Emotions

"I hate you, don't leave me", the title of Jerold Kreisman's (MD) 1991 book describing Borderline personality disorder has become a widely accepted short description of the disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder is very much a disorder of the emotions. Imagine a person who is extremely sensitive to rejection (fearful of even perceived or anticipated rejection) and has a limited ability to modulate their emotional impulses (love, fear, anger, grief, etc.). To protect themselves from their own feelings, they are prone to adopt a multitude of dysfunctional rationalizations and cover-ups. For example, a person suffering from BPD may so fear rejection in a new relationship that they recreate themselves in the image of a person they believe would be lovable. When the negative emotions for making such a sacrifice surface - and not having the ability to modulate them, they lash out at the target of their affections for "making them change" - rather than face their own feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection, ultimately damaging the relationship they so fear losing, and reinforcing their feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection.

What is going on in the Mind of Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

What is going on in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are acting can be two entirely different things. To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this:

If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;
I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;
I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;
I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;
Other people are evil and abuse you;
If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;
If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;
If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;
If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;
I will always be alone;
I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;
There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;
I don't really know what I want;
I will never get what I want;
I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;
I have no control of myself;
I can't discipline myself;
My feelings and opinions are unfounded;
Other people are not willing or helpful.

Taken from the article Know the Infamous Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde?

Hope this is helpful.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

This is a sad realization apocalypsenow.  I never knew that. Truly is sad if that's what's going on.  Can anyone shed light on what the BPD does? Do they just jump from relationship to relationship seeking fulfillment?

That can certainly be one of the coping mechanisms that a pwBPD will use, yes.  It can also be the case for people who do not suffer from BPD.  I have known individuals who have a fear of being alone and would rather be in a bad r/s than not be in one.

Love and light x 

[apocalypsenow]

 

One thing I see on the boards a lot is members asking 'How could he/she say/do ... .?' and I believe the above is the answer.  We can make the mistake of seeing a person in an adult body, doing adult things and getting on with life (however high or low functioning they are) and forgetting at times that this person's emotions overwhelm them constantly.  Because their arm isn't hanging off we don't SEE the illness and pain inside.  I can relate to this in some ways because I have a chronic condition that isn't externally visible and for that reason there is little understanding.  A person in that situation often gives up on trying to explain what is going on inside (if they ever did) and their peers merely see what the external behaviours are.  

So when we puzzle over how a person could do or say something so hurtful to us, what we ought to be thinking of - in that moment - is what the underlying cause is.  It is not about us.  It's about BPD.

Love and light x

Exactly, Harley.  My ex was very high functioning and seemed wiser than her years in so many other ways, outside of close, personal relationships.  And yet, when in conflict during our relationship, she would act like a child.  It was so confusing, this adult who just couldn't function "normally" within a relationship, even friendships.  It wasn't until I googled "why does my girlfriend break up with me so much" (yes, that was literally the search I did), that it lead me to BPD, and this forum. 

Almost every story I read on here was so similar, almost down to the exact things they say and do, I knew that's what was probably going on - BPD with a smattering of NPD and cluster B.  And the more I read, I understood that they are emotionally stuck, and simply unable to process emotions like an adult.  Near the end of our relationship, this forum did give me a few more tools to try, which, to my surprise actually started working a little bit.  I would be able to handle her fussing and complaining that would usually end up in a rage fight or breakup by kindof teasing her lightly, being self-deprecating, smiling and not taking her complaints seriously as I usually did, not reacting and allowing a fight to happen.  She would calm down much more quickly and we got even closer, I thought, as a result.  But that didn't last, unfortunately.  I believe she got too scared as we got closer, and started spending more and more time away from me, eventually starting an affair with a "friend" (never was sure there was actual cheating but the setting up was very obvious) until I was forced to leave HER because she had already basically left me alone in our relationship.

But the point that Harley makes about how it's not like they have a broken arm or anything obviously "wrong".  And I think it's why people/we have a hard time understanding how to navigate these relationships.  Because we don't SEE their desperation and insecurity or troubled minds as childlike as they are.  We keep expecting them to be adults, but they just don't have the tools or capacity like adults should.  And heck, even we have our own issues which keep us from being complete adults in these situations, when under attack, many of us probably get down low and fight like children as well, matching the emotional level of our partner, sadly.  I know I did.

[Harley Quinn]

Because we don't SEE their desperation and insecurity or troubled minds as childlike as they are.  We keep expecting them to be adults, but they just don't have the tools or capacity like adults should.

This is the crux of it.  It comes down to expectations.

It's a bit like seeing a tiger and thinking, well in some respects that's a perfectly nice tiger, but really I'd like a dog, so maybe if I treat it like a dog and encourage it to bark like a dog and lick my face like a dog it will start to do that instead of growling and biting me.  In the end a tiger is a tiger.  A pwBPD is not going to behave entirely like someone who does not suffer from BPD in their relationships.  We must accept this and manage our own expectations. 

Love and light x

[apocalypsenow]

Yes, the things that have helped me the most were to understand that it's not likely the pwBPD will change, and that it is up to us to either accept them how they are and work with that, or leave the relationship.  If we choose to stay in the relationship, and we want it to work, then we need to accept that we will be the ones making a lot of compromises, being constantly challenged and possibly even abused. 

I've seen the term "radical acceptance", which rang true to me, and even fits with your analogy of the tiger and the dog, Harley.  We cannot expect to be playing with a fire of this magnitude and not get burned.  It will likely always be a struggle, sadly, with extreme highs and lows.  But understanding that the pwBPD is almost always in conflict and struggle with their own emotions, that is their tortured way of being, may help us manage our own expectations for them. 

And, if we're honest with ourselves, I think many of us are drawn to these people exactly because they have such a fire and passion and "out of control-ness" about them, and maybe we enjoy a challenge.  It can be intoxicating, it can be addictive, it can feel like you are really alive, instead of muddling through a dull existence of "normal".  I know this was true for me.  So ironically, it is as much their BPD/NPD traits that attracted us to them as everything else about them.  Take that away and who would they be?  It's a paradox for sure.

[AnuDay]

Take that away and who would they be?  It's a paradox for sure.

This is the million dollar question

[Harley Quinn]

This is the million dollar question

It certainly is.  I can honestly say I wasn't attracted to my ex in a typical outward looks way initially.  It was the fire in him, the dark and light, the way he seemed mysterious and brooding sometimes and other times giddy and elated like a child, his non stop talking and enthusiasm, the way we connected and understood each other, saw into one another's souls.  That was what drew me in.  I was attracted to who he was.  His illness, his fears, his vulnerabilities and mine.  We fit together like hand in glove.  Without the BPD and my traits we'd have walked by each other.

Love and light xx

[SuperJew82]

Enlighting post. Life just isn't fair sometimes.

I chose to get off the rollercoaster. The ups were not worth all the downs.

Sure we had great times, but living in paranoia, wondering what is the truth and what is a lie, trying to mitigate mood swings, trying to work someone out of depression, putting up with cheating, dealing with self-defeating behaviours, etc... .not worth it.

The first 3-4 months were not my fault, as I was just a sucker who believed good things could finally happen to me. The next year and a half were all my fault after I realized the severity of her problems and kept letting her come back time and time again.