She's with her ex...

[LoveLostHeart]

Hi all,

I think of you most know my story. It's actually similar to you and I just can't feel like explaining it now again. Basically, my ex managed to be with her other ex again and I found out last night. I feel terrible about it. Just don't know what to say or do any longer... .

[flamingspiral]

I just found out the same sort of thing today. The ex she would talk s*** about, and compare me to while she put me on the pedestal.

[SuperJew82]

Happen to me too. Join the club. She also tried to get back with me when she was with her current boyfriend.

See the pattern, my friend?

I know it feels bad initially, but look what he has to endure now. Evidently, he is a slow learner.

[Sargeras]

And then from him to you and back again. It's testament to the instability she carries with herself. I wouldn't worry about it- their relationship already failed once before. Ask yourself what you want.

There's so many people out there. There's no telling when you will meet someone else, but what's definite is that you will.

Give yourself that opportunity. She's just another person. She's only as mysterious and fascinating and desirable as you make her out to be.

[LoveLostHeart]

I notice that this is becoming more and more about my inability to separate myself from this situation. I should have seen this coming, and maybe I did. All the signs were there. The worst thing now is, I even have to ask her to block me because I find myself still wanting to contact her. Why am I soo unable to let this go? I feel miserable, I don't enjoy anything anymore, and still, I can't keep myself from wanting to contact her. I know contacting her is no solution to anything. I know I shouldn't want to be with her anymore. I know all these things, but I seem to be unable to talk any sense into myself. Emotions taking over 100%...

[LoveLostHeart]

I just found out the same sort of thing today. The ex she would talk s*** about, and compare me to while she put me on the pedestal.

How are you coping with it?

[once removed]

this is a big blow.

how did you find out?

[LoveLostHeart]

this is a big blow.

how did you find out?

Basically I sucked... I did what I was not supposed to do. I am cat-sitting at a friends house, and I had a bbq at my own house. When I left my own house, drunk, to go back to the cat-sitting place I had to drive past  her house. Well, I could have taken a different route as all of you advised before, but I was actually feeling well that day and it is the shortest route, so I figured it should be no problem. When I drove past I noticed a scooter in front of the door which is her ex's. So I ended up texting him asking if there was something going on between them. There has been alot of anxiety in me about them before (for a reason). He replied no we have seen each other alot but nothing is going on. Later I got a text from her saying, "you wanted confirmation (she was ignoring me), here is your confirmation. I moved on leave me alone blablabla... .I'm with someone else blabla... ". She is right. I was wrong to text him, I am wrong being so focussed on her, I am  obsessed with her... .But nevertheless, all my fears about them became true. I think I was right to worry about them in the beginning. He started showing up when things were going downhill between her and me. Always saying it was nothing, that  they have had sex before but it felt like brother and sister, that it was never going to happen again. And here we are... .the one I shouldn't worry about... .is now with her.  Classic. I know the biggest problem here is my way of not be able to handle breakups. I should have let this go ages ago. I am really really confused right now. I want to be mad at her, because it feels like this thing has been staged for a couple of months right now... .Like she was planning on it... .But I also don't want to believe this. Maybe it just happened... .maybe she didn't plan it... maybe... maybe... .I know it shouldn't make a difference but I have a really hard time coping with it. My own mind is driving me crazy, as you may notice in the way I type this. I feel like I can't take anymore at the moment.

[problemsolver]

Hi all,

I think of you most know my story. It's actually similar to you and I just can't feel like explaining it now again. Basically, my ex managed to be with her other ex again and I found out last night. I feel terrible about it. Just don't know what to say or do any longer... .

Same thing happened to me   ... she said she was over him ... " if I wanted him on my life he would be in it " ... only a few weeks later she was back " talking to him " come to figure out a few weeks ago she is essentially living with him... common theme man ... it hurt a lot for about 2 weeks . I've been no contact for about 40 or so days ... and at times I have the urge to reach out... like you I actually asked her to block me as petty as that sounds ... because I was devastated but she couldn't understand why it hurt me ... just a lack of empathy or understanding of how her actions hurt people... at the end of the day it's a pattern .

[once removed]

its a huge blow to have a long term partner get into a relationship, and its especially surreal when you had a feeling it was coming. ive been there and its a dark and desperate feeling.

no use beating yourself up, whats done is done. i do think it would be wise not to engage either of them any further, as its only going to open those wounds and keep them open.

right now is the time for treating yourself very gently and kindly. you will get through this, but its going to understandably hurt, especially in the first few days. lean on us. if you havent already, i really encourage you to jump on seeing a therapist to sort through everything. you need a strong support system - lean on family and friends, too. it may be pretty difficult to do much in the way of activities that help right now, and thats okay, it will help to talk, and we are listening.

[LoveLostHeart]

I am really struggling with this BPD thing. I keep acting like she is a "normal" person because there is no official diagnosis that I know off. Yes I know for a fact she has alot of mental issues. I just don't have a name to stick on it. And also, this shouldn't matter. I should be able to pull myself out of this situation, but I am not. Not even now... .the only thing on my mind is her... all the time... I had better days, but this gave me a massive blow again. To give you some sort of timeline;
During the last like 3 months of us being together this guy showed up more and more. When we were at a bday party of her sister, this guy shows up. I had a hard time with it and I told her, I have a hard time with it but I don't want to make a problem out of it. I just want you to know I am struggling with it. The time after, we were broken up but we were still "trying". Secretly meeting and sleeping together. She getting really really angry about me talking to another woman. Going trough my phone, keeping me at her place. We slept together. Next day we went to a festival and we met, only to find out later she posted a pic on snapchat with her and him holding hands. I was pissed, she said it was nothing, just a joke. We went NC for a while, then later on, slept together again. 3 days later I find out that the guy slept at her place. It was nothing she said... .nothing happened... .then she started to ignore me. All of the sudden it was no longer us trying to fix things but it would be better if we went our separate ways... ignoring all my questions for closure. and now... she is with him... .what the heck... I can't get my mind around it... .I shouldn't want to ... .but I do! Pff I hope you can understand any of this, it is damn hard to explain this. So many things happened and my mind is racing. I just can't believe that everything I feared seems to be happening. I heard alot of stories about her probably being not faithfull to me during the "relationship". I believed them, then she talked them out of me. I never really trusted her after that, and now, it seems like they could be true. I have no prove of anything. I shouldn't need it... .

[LoveLostHeart]

its a huge blow to have a long term partner get into a relationship, and its especially surreal when you had a feeling it was coming. ive been there and its a dark and desperate feeling.

no use beating yourself up, whats done is done. i do think it would be wise not to engage either of them any further, as its only going to open those wounds and keep them open.

right now is the time for treating yourself very gently and kindly. you will get through this, but its going to understandably hurt, especially in the first few days. lean on us. if you havent already, i really encourage you to jump on seeing a therapist to sort through everything. you need a strong support system - lean on family and friends, too. it may be pretty difficult to do much in the way of activities that help right now, and thats okay, it will help to talk, and we are listening.

I have been seeing a T for the past time already. Scheduled visit next Wednesday again. I just feel so lost today. I have been crying all day. And I don't understand for what... .It is not only her. Yes things went south with her, yes she has done things that making me feel this way, but I felt sort of like this before. With a person that didn't have BPD. It is me who is unable to deal with this stuff. I am and was trying really hard to cope with this, today I just feel like venting. Unable to do anything. I asked her and him to block me on anything. It's sad... .but I know if they don't I will be contacting them. He did it... .she didn't. I am having a hard time to understand why she just doesn't block me. Why keep doors open if she is with somebody else. I should want to remove her  from my life, but instead, I look for her to remove me out of her life... .

[once removed]

historically i have a pretty hard time with breakups too. fear of rejection and abandonment are fears we all have. 

ill tell you this LoveLostHeart. after my breakup i felt so determined to feel either anger or indifference, that there was something wrong with me if i was in anything other than either of those two states. nonsense. it got a lot easier on me, the pressure really lifted, when i stopped judging my thoughts and feelings and accepted that it was okay for me to have a difficult time grieving someone i had loved. its helpful that you recognize you are sensitive to breakups and have felt this way before. it will actually help you going forward and further down the line. but remember, its not a character flaw. everyone struggles with something. but to grieve is human. dont invalidate your own experience.

[LoveLostHeart]

historically i have a pretty hard time with breakups too. fear of rejection and abandonment are fears we all have. 

ill tell you this LoveLostHeart. after my breakup i felt so determined to feel either anger or indifference, that there was something wrong with me if i was in anything other than either of those two states. nonsense. it got a lot easier on me, the pressure really lifted, when i stopped judging my thoughts and feelings and accepted that it was okay for me to have a difficult time grieving someone i had loved. its helpful that you recognize you are sensitive to breakups and have felt this way before. it will actually help you going forward and further down the line. but remember, its not a character flaw. everyone struggles with something. but to grieve is human. dont invalidate your own experience.

I try to accept it, but it is effecting every part of me. I am not able to function in live normally any longer. I was for a while, but the longer we kept contact, the more blows I got. And every single one is making me feel worse and worse. It seems to be over now, I can't get any lower. I feel devastated about the way I seem to be handling this. I'm almost like a stalker. Obsessed with her. I can't leave her alone. I think about fixing this relationship all the time although she hasn't done any good to me. I seem to be unable to accept that there is more to life then her. I was happy before her but now I feel like I need her to be happy. Even when I know I broke up with her because I wasn't happy with her while we were together. My mind seems so messed up...

[once removed]

i know it wont feel this way now... .

i hope that you will try to have some faith in the sentiment though. let it be a seed that slowly germinates.

when i was at my lowest, the only thing that kept me going was somewhere inside knowing that not only would i get through it (remember, youve been through bad breakups before and survived) but i would emerge stronger. i didnt know what that meant or what it looked like, and i certainly couldnt take the steps to get there, but i believed it, and it sustained me at my worst. i told myself things like "im not alone, im on my own". that i couldnt get any lower, either.

it didnt always work. whenever someone would tell me that i seemed to be doing better or seemed stronger i would tell them i felt like i was "wilting" without her. looking back i was in far too much grief to see such a thing.

this is traumatic stuff. strong, incomprehensible feelings are the stuff of trauma and some days it may feel like its getting worse before it gets better.

but it can and does get better. further down the road you will be stronger, and when you are, youll begin to want to explore more about yourself, and if theres a silver lining in all of this, its that if you put in the work, you will emerge far more resilient with far better coping skills and you wont go through this same kind of pain again. i credit bpdfamily for giving me the tools to learn healthy grieving.

in the meantime, expect that a lot of getting through this will be surviving just day to day. revisit this article as often as you feel like: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

[LoveLostHeart]

I have read this article many times. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. In some way I just don't want to blame this on BPD any longer. It could be part of the problem, but it doesn't matter how I look at it. BPD or no BPD, this is going really wrong. Facts are, she is now with the one I feared she would be with. The one I was told I shouldn't worry about. I lost her completely, and myself too. I wish I could be the person that walked away. The person that would say this is not for me... but instead I am the person that cries his heart out about this. I try to have faith, but faith or any light at all seems really really far away at this moment.

[once removed]

try to imagine if your best friend, or even a stranger was going through this. you wouldnt tell them the things they could or "shouldve" done. you wouldnt tell them that theres something wrong with them for feeling the way they do or that theyre grieving "too much". try to extend yourself that same kindness and compassion. for the time being, your self esteem is crashing. the solution to that isnt to shame yourself.

youre among many that didnt walk away. youre among many that cried their hearts out. youre among many that struggle with rejection, self esteem, and bad breakups. i dont say that to minimize or compare your experience, but to let you know that youre not alone, and youre in good company. in that regard, it will help to help others, too. youll feel less isolated, help others feel less isolated, and you may find yourself offering them bits of wisdom you werent sure were there, but that you can apply to yourself.

faith or any light at all seems really really far away at this moment.

i know. those months were quite possibly the hardest thing i will ever go through, and i wasnt functioning either; i had daily crying jags that were just so draining and didnt seem to help in any way, i just wondered when the pain would end. right now is about surviving day to day, and surrounding yourself with as much light and love from those who care about you and support you as you can. we are here to provide that too.

[LoveLostHeart]

Actually I feel like I don't want to contact friends any longer. I keep feeling more and more like I want to be alone. This board is the only way of communicating I feel like at this point, because I feel like this is the only place where people understand what I am feeling.

[once removed]

i get that it can feel even more isolating talking to people who dont understand. it might be best, as far as friends go, and when youre ready, to just focus on enjoying the things you enjoy about your friendships and interactions. my friends werent so great at the emotional support either. they tried, but often said the wrong things. when i didnt want to feel physically alone, they were good company at least, and that helped.

[LoveLostHeart]

I know my friends want the best for me. But it feels like all they can save is, told you so, and get over it. They are right, but I don't feel understood indeed. I should get over it, but I don't know how to do that at this moment. Lost in dreams I guess... .

[once removed]

it feels like all they can save is, told you so, and get over it.

yeah. thats not helpful. its like if you were worried about your height and someone told you to become taller.

you might try firmly and clearly communicating the type of support from them that you need. if they cant provide that, no use trying to get it. like i said, you are in good company with plenty of people who do understand.

[LoveLostHeart]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObGlgJPCZj4

I'd wish there were subtitles to this song... It's beautiful.

[Edin]

I feel for you, I have been going through similar stuff and now 6 months after the break up I feel a lot better, but I still have my off days so now and then. Like these last few days, I have been all tense, tired, not sleeping very well.

I listened to your song, the lyrics are beautiful, it instantly made me cry (I don't need subtitles  ), and it released the tension I was feeling these last days. (So you did a good deed posting this song!  ) Like the song says, I can sometimes miss my ex so much, even though I know it is really better this way.

Like some others have posted, please don't feel ashamed about grieving... .

it got a lot easier on me, the pressure really lifted, when i stopped judging my thoughts and feelings and accepted that it was okay for me to have a difficult time grieving someone i had loved.

This is exactly what I decided to do a couple of months ago. I too found out my ex started a new relationship really quickly after the break up. He probably was already in touch with this woman for a while before we broke up. It was someone he dated briefly before he met me. Of course I was flabbergasted when I found out at first, and infuriated, I mean, he chose me back then! She was his second choice! And then he just decided to go back to where he left off with this woman as if all we had been through together for a year and half just hadn't meant a thing! Well, you can imagine how I felt.

I can relate having profound difficulty breaking up, I too have felt miserable with 'normal' break ups in the past, but I accepted over the years that it's just a part of me. I haven't put myself any time limits to grieve, I am not dating, I don't want to enter into a new relationship without having properly worked through these feelings. I still sometimes just let myself obsess with him, as I was doing non stop a couple of months ago. I also spent a lot of time on my own and I still cry sometimes, but it does get better.

Remember it is a gift to yourself to work through the pain, you will get to a better place. Over the years I built up some resilience going through 'normal' break ups, so I was somehow thrown off by the impact this break up had on me. But don't forget it is on another level to have dealt with someone with these kind of mental issues.

Cry when you need to, obsess when you need to (but do try to go nc) and when you catch yourself ruminating, also try to remember the facts, it is someone's actions that count. One of things that is getting me through is to remind myself what I want. If I am going to be in another relationship someday, I want it to give me a safe environment,  a relationship with someone I don't need to walk on eggshells around, who doesn't disappear for days or weeks when he is going through a tough time, who isn't secretive about his phone, someone who is capable of some self-reflection after an argument, instead of just me doing that all the time, and thereby taking the blame upon myself. My ex just wasn't able to give me any of that at all.

Have faith, you will get there!

[Harley Quinn]

One of things that is getting me through is to remind myself what I want.

Edin has hit upon a very important aspect here.  Something we can so easily forget about during the grieving process is ourselves, and our own needs and wants.  If we look back on our relationships and ask ourselves honestly if they gave us this, we may find the added strength we need to keep moving forwards despite the pain.  And as Edin so beautifully said, it is a gift to yourself to work through this pain.  It takes time and is worth it to get to the other side, free of anguish and emotionally healthier to move on with our lives.

Hang in there LLH, we're right here with you.

Love and light x

[Lost-love-mind]

Lovelostheart
I read your early posts to this thread and now I don't feel alone in my desire to get back with my exBPD.
I'm so glad I can't just drive by her house since she lives at the end of a dead end street. Whew. Plus , she looks out the window when she heard a car when we were together in her house intimately. Looking back, she talked about being stalked and declared herself a creepmagnet. Could have been prior "shunned" versions of my soon "blackened" experience? Or, her my replacement?
I will never know and after your story, I'm glad.
We all need to stop torturing ourselves, keep posting and move on with our lives.
Thank you all.