She came into my house today... left me broken again

[heartbroken03]

So my BPD ex (as of 3 1/2 weeks ago) arrived at my house this morning to drop off her son to me. We had bought tickets to an event when we were still together and I told her I would still take her son, along with my children but that I would be unable to cope with her coming along as I am struggling with the break up (She left me suddenly after a 6 year relationship when in the middle of a mental health and alcoholic crisis).
She arrived to drop off her son and I was surprised to see her at my door. I truly thought she would just drop him off and go. She handed me a bag of things for her son and explained the contents, then proceeded to say she will just "come in and say hi to the kids" (mine). So next minute she is in my house. I was an anxious shaking wreck. She said hello to both my kids and gave them a kiss and then said goodbye to her son and thank you to me for taking him to the show. By this time I was fighting tears and could barely look at her. All the self work I have done over the last 3 weeks is suddenly gone and I am mourning the relationship as though it's day 1 all over again. All I wanted to do was hug and kiss her goodbye like we used to do. Why do they have this hold on us? What is it that keeps us wanting them long after they have thrown us to the kerb?

[Harley Quinn]

Oh heartbroken,

I'm sorry to hear that this happened.  Prior to her entering your home, were you feeling stronger?  In your shoes at only 3 1/2 weeks in I'm not sure I could have entertained the thought of doing the day out at all if it was something planned together, never mind agreeing to take her son with you.  Can you safely say you don't have any more of these types of situations lined up for yourself now?

All the self work I have done over the last 3 weeks is suddenly gone and I am mourning the relationship as though it's day 1 all over again. All I wanted to do was hug and kiss her goodbye like we used to do. Why do they have this hold on us? What is it that keeps us wanting them long after they have thrown us to the kerb?

The good news is that you did see the benefit of the work you've done and you can get there again.  The other news is that this is a learning curve and what you've found out now is that the space away from her is essential at this point whilst you are emotionally vulnerable.  3 weeks is not long at all, so dust yourself off, dry your tears once they're out and re focus on you.  Don't put yourself in any more positions where you can hinder your progress.  Protect yourself first and foremost.  You'll gain strength with time and see this as a valuable lesson on how to care for yourself and value your own emotional health above meeting obligations, even for those you care about.  All the obligation meeting in the world is no good if it leaves you in pieces.  It's hard to give yourself the spotlight (world's worst speaking!) yet it's necessary and those who depend on you, such as your kids, will thank you for it because you'll be better and that is good for them too.

See it as a bump in the road.  We all have them.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi heartbroken03,

  Harley Quinn has a point, it's still raw for you.

re focus on you.  :)on't put yourself in any more positions where you can hinder your progress.  Protect yourself first and foremost.

  I can understand that you didn't want to disappoint the kids for a show. Self protection is about self compassion and giving yourself adequate time and space to heal your wounds.

[heartbroken03]

Thank you both, great advice and I do need to dust myself off and keep going. There are no more situations lined up where I will be in this position again, unless her son and my children want to see each other. They have thought of each other as "brother and sister" for 6 years so I'm trying to respect their feelings as well by leaving the door open for him to be able to visit us.
The fact that I have no other reason to contact her again is both relieving and terrifying. I know yesterday was a significant date for her in terms of a trauma she experienced as a child and I feel so guilty for not asking her how she was doing or if she was ok, or even acknowledging the date as a difficult one for her. But I resisted the urge to reach out and be the caretaker for her when she has clearly expressed that the relationship is over. I'm trying to keep my own dignity now but it still leaves me feeling guilt and anxiety as I forgot this date last year and she made me feel awful about it. I'm trusting that she is using her network of friends and family and I know that there's nothing I can do for her at this point. I have all these logical thoughts but my feelings unfortunately don't match my brain! I just hope I can keep being strong enough to resist the urge to reach out to her, you guys are a great support I'm so glad I found this message board!

*edit - we live very close by and our children still attend the same school for another year. So there will be times where I will see her at school or the local shops. But so far we have managed to avoid each other until yesterday

[Harley Quinn]

I have all these logical thoughts but my feelings unfortunately don't match my brain! I just hope I can keep being strong enough to resist the urge to reach out to her

You're not on your own there.  We all go through this.  Don't worry, it's a stage and eventually your heart catches up to your head.  In time you can reach a place where you look back on the good with fondness without forgetting the reasons why you are no longer together.  Keep the focus on you and your healing.  I treated it as something I almost had to prove to myself that I could do at first, and I'm a sucker for a challenge!  Eventually I realised that I actually owed it to myself to put my own well being first, as I had accumulated quite a large debt to myself in that respect. 

Having kids is a plus here, as you can also remember how much it benefits them having you in a better frame of mind and emotionally healthier.  Enjoy every moment with them and they will be your reminder of how your strength is worthwhile.  My son has been my guiding light and has given me purpose in the darkest of times since he arrived into my life.  What a blessing that is.

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

I resisted the urge to reach out and be the caretaker for her when she has clearly expressed that the relationship is over.

Good for you, heartbroken.  To me it shows you are getting healthier and observing good boundaries.  At the end of the day, we are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  Took me a long time to wrap my head around that concept.  You recognized your guilty feelings but resisted the urge to act on them, which is progress to me.

LuckyJim

[SuperJew82]

If it makes you feel any better, I would have been just as wrecked as you. I agree that you have seen the benefit of NC/LC.

I know you are hurting, and it kind of hurts me just thinking about you standing there watching all this happen. I almost want to get teary eyed.

I would highly consider avoiding this type of "blended family" contact while you gather yourself. I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better - all I can say is that it gets better with time. It does. These emotions will slowly work themselves to the back of your mind instead of the forefront.

Please keep us posted. Was it your substance abuse/mental health challenge that you were referring to or hers?

[heartbroken03]

Lucky Jim,
It's been through this Message board and the support of all you guys that I can actually wrap my head around her behaviour and understand it enough to know my role in the relationship and the break up. And resist the urge to have contact and be the caretaker!

SuperJew82,
The alcoholic and mental health crisis was hers - she had been in and out of hospital for 6 weeks while I cared for her son and paid her bills etc. Helped her when she got home from hospital each time and cleaned her house etc neglecting my own house and my own children. After she took a trip to the ED one Saturday night (drunk and wanting to self harm) she just flipped a switch. Wanted a break and then a break up. She felt too 'guilty' every time she relapsed with drinking and we all know what guilt does to a person with BPD. So suddenly I found myself cut off after spending every waking hour worrying for her and caring for her. That was a month ago. And we have had no contact since Monday night when I messaged her to tell her how her son was after dropping him home (I sent her a message because it was too hard to get out of the car and go to her door with him). I received a cordial thank you for having him etc and that was it.