What to do

[witsend70]

I have a 79 year old older sister with BPD. I have no idea if it has been diagnosed, since she has been to at least 8 or more therapists over the years. She was first diagnosed in college with a "split personality." My formative years were spent as a mediator between her and my parents. As fate would have it, she lived in the same city as my parents when they became old and infirm. We had a caretaker for them, but she was constantly bothered by the inconvenience of having them as a burden, especially since she hated them. My father was also very abusive to her and may have suffered with a similar affliction. His father was an alcoholic and abused him. Over the years, she has isolated herself and has longed for our family (which is basically me) to be "together," which in her terms means living in the same house so that she can monitor and control every move I make, every conversation I have, every friend I choose to see, etc. Before a violent storm in her city, I rescued her and brought her to my house. She stayed for 2 weeks, got angry every time my male friend called me, threatened to drive herself home in blinding rain with cataracts so bad that she has to use a flashlight and magnifying glass to see to pay her bills. I often lied to her, emailed my friends not to call while she was here. I finally drove her home. Her house was damaged and the insurance won't cover all the repairs she needs. I was dumbfounded when I saw her living conditions. She lives in a hoarder's house. There are paths to walk in, but every surface is piled high with papers and junk from years. The toilets are barely functioning. I have allowed her to manipulate me, have done all of the things I shouldn't have done, like give her massive amounts of money and let her dictate hours of phone time with me, etc. She is so old that I cannot see cutting off relations with her. I know she is ill. I have great compassion for her, but I don't want to die in the process of trying to save her. It is an untenable situation. I just made an appointment with a therapist for myself. I really need help in dealing with this.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Witsend! 

I'm glad you have joined us! Welcome!

From what you have described, it sounds as if you are suddenly putting things together as far as your sister's behavior, and you are connecting the dots. You've suspected things were not right and yet you managed to make it through all these years. 

How did you first learn about BPD? My mom was an uBPD, and she never gave up hoping I'd move close to her to live, like my brother and sister did. I always figured they were stronger than me or didn't mind her behavior, but I knew I could never do it. She'd control me like she always did. I can understand your reluctance to move into the same house with her, especially now that you've seen how she lives.

She is so old that I cannot see cutting off relations with her. I know she is ill. I have great compassion for her, but I don't want to die in the process of trying to save her. It is an untenable situation.

I think it's great that you know you cannot save her. That's an awesome big step.  Do you think it is possible for you to still remain in touch with her but not give her money or do anything to save her? What would that look like to you? Are there organizations that can step in and help her?

My DH took a class at our local rescue mission, and I still remember one of the most important things he learned from it: "You can only help someone as much as they want to help themselves." In other words, if a person really doesn't want help to get out of the place where they are, no amount of work and help (financial or otherwise) will help them to better themselves.

I am super glad you've made an appointment to see a T. That can provide lots of support for you. Are there any books you've read about BPD? We have a great book list if you'd like some suggestions.

 
Wools

[witsend70]

Thanks for the reply. I have been trying to determine what was wrong with my dysfunctional family for years. My sister has had 3 failed marriages but lived in the Northeast, far away from me until the '90's. After she returned, I reconnected with her and for a while, we had a close relationship. As time went on, I began to see the old behaviors rear their ugly head. It was then that I began to try to find answers. I got online. I read several books. I noted the the spiraling mood swings, the rages, the abusive personality, the severe codependency. She used to take her anger out on my parents, but after they died, I became the target. I spoke to her only friend the other day. Her friend said, "She yells at me a lot, but she's always been there when I needed her." Today, my sister told me that my daughter was dead to her because she hasn't called her. I mistakenly said that perhaps it was because she called my daughter's husband a drunk (which isn't true, by the way). She screamed at me for 15 minutes on the phone, told me I was dead to her also, hung up, called back, and continued this for 4 phone calls. She told me that my family had always blamed her for all of their problems and her last therapist had told her she should take her power back. Little does she know that everyone who has had a relationship with her has been terrified of her. I'm trying to let this stuff roll off my back. I hope I'll get better at it. Thanks again for the words of encouragement.