Why did I ever miss her? Why did I ever want to go back? Why did I obsess?

[FallenOne]

This is something I think about a lot now that I've been NC for 9 months with my BPDex gf of four years, and especially now that I'm in another relationship with a wonderful woman who's mentally healthy and mature.

I ask myself sometimes, why did I ever miss her? Why did I ever want to go back? Why did I obsess over her in the beginning of the breakups?

I see a lot of you struggling, as I struggled, with the "addiction" to these people... I read your stories and see all of the crap that they put you through (the same stuff as mine put me through) and at some point you have to ask yourself why you deal with it and why you miss it when it's gone? It's literally a blessing when these people leave your life for good... It's something that should be celebrated.

When you think about all of the bad behaviors, the fighting and arguing, the drama, the cheating, bouncing back and forth between you and their ex's, the emotional rage fits, the childish nonsense, and so on and so forth, you have to wonder why we ever missed any of that or even wanted to deal with it anymore?

Maybe I've been away from it long enough to come to my senses, but I'm so glad this person is gone and I don't have to deal with them anymore, and it's actually kind of humorous to me that the person the she triangulated me with now has to deal with her () and I'm sure they'll live "happily ever after" *rollseyes*... .

But yes, it is a very relieving experience knowing that I no longer have to deal with her, and that she doesn't want to contact me anymore either... A lot of us have to deal with our ex's TRYING to contact us and we try to avoid it, but I'm in a situation where mine no longer wants to contact me and has made it legally impossible to do so...

[Hisaccount]

I am right there with you. Looking back now it is like, why in the world did I go through that?

For me I was hoping for better days ahead. Thinking it would get easier as I had read that in some cases these people can stabilize with age, and hoping that the stresses we had in the relationship would be gone soon.

But looking back I often look at is like the TV talk shows I remember watching while growing up. Like on for instance, lady was scared of her husband because he would rage if she didn't vacuum the carpet the right way every day while he was at work, or a woman being beaten.
As a kid all we can think is, why don't you just leave?
but now we look at it differently. Why didn't I just leave?

Not that easy is it.

Just like anyone else in an abusive situation we become convinced that nobody else would want us. We are comfortable and addicted to that person.
Mentally we were unprepared for the breakup.
It is easier to leave than being left. Because those leaving had time to deal with it, plan it, accept it. 
People like you and I were looking for ways to solve it, fix it, and make it work. Not working on our escape plan.

[Caboose]

Your topic is well-timed for me. My exBPgf moved out of state in January while we were still a "couple." Quotes because our relationship had become something I do not recognize at all as couplehood. On top of all the BP traits she expressed, which had become worse in the months preceding her move, she had become almost constantly hostile and/or contemptuous toward me. We were still contemplating whether or not I would move there or if she would return here next year when I reached my breaking point in May. I broke up with her - she argued with me about it - I told her I did not want to argue nor did I want to make  attempts to fixed our relationship and, further, I did not want to "be friends." In the months since, she has continued to engage me in brief "business" conversations. When business did not get my attention, she would become mean and abusive. Eventually, I felt she needed to "talk" to me in order to get whatever anger toward me she had out allowing her to move on. I told her if she needed to talk to me, I would call. In August, I called. She talked AT me for an hour catching me up on her life. It's as if she was trying to force a friendship on me. I think. Anyway, I continue to miss her and miss the fun funny person I know she can be and is toward everyone except her ex-wife and me.

So ... .what prompted me to reply to Fallen One is the "... .has made it legally impossible" to contact comment. I'm curious about this because it's come to my attention that she has been using mutual friends to view my Facebook page as well as look on her own given you can see a limited amount of information on Facebook (she unfriended me in a fit of anger ... .more than once) without being friends. She's also now looking at my Match.com account. I have deactivated my FB page and "hidden" myself on Match. I don't know what my next step is. Ideas? Recommendations? What legal course do I have?

PS - she has thousands of dollars worth of my belongings and has indicated more than once she has no intention of returning them or making any compensation.

help if you can! thanks.

[FallenOne]

I don't know what my next step is. Ideas? Recommendations? What legal course do I have?

One thing I've noticed about these people is that when they breakup with you, it's because there is someone else to take your place. They never EVER break up with you to face being single. They cannot be alone. So, when you get broken up with, there is already a replacement.

Secondly, if you breakup with them, when they don't have a replacement lined up, or when they aren't done with you yet, they will obsessively bother you, against all reason, until you respond or give them what they want/need...

They can break up with people, but they cannot be broken up with...

Mine had a replacement lined up long before we broke up for the final time... She met them during one of our previous breakups.

She broke up with me the final time and just days later filed a false PFA against me... I tried fighting it at first (because I wanted to clear my name and get my guns returned) but my attorney goofed and screwed up royally... .The accusations were pathetic and almost entirely made up. If I hadn't listened to my attorney it probably would have been dismissed but my ex of course abused the system and manipulated her way through it, because that's what she does with everything in her life. She has it in effect until January 2018, but I honestly don't care, because aside from not having my guns, I'm doing great and the thing turned out to be more of a blessing than a curse...

You can file a protective order against someone who is bothering you against your will... That's really all it takes. My ex got one for a year and the events she accused me of in the paperwork never even happened... Things like me driving by her house, talking about her to her friends, and she even said I threatened her with a gun... But, she took the "poor innocent woe is me oppressed and battered victim" route, which is what she does with everything else too, because she's a pathetic human being...

[Hisaccount]

I agree, restraining order is the only way to block them.

Small claims court is the only way to get your stuff or compensation. Of course is they are in another state now it might be cheaper to let it go.

it's because there is someone else to take your place. They never EVER break up with you to face being single.

This is so true.
My ex used to get so upset if I talked to anyone for any reason because "people only leave relationships if they have a new one lined up"
She would say that to me all the time, and yeah she had a few of them lined up.

[Mutt]

Just like anyone else in an abusive situation we become convinced that nobody else would want us.

I can relate with that quote, I had a lot of past issues that were unresolved when I met her, I'd been abandoned by my biological mother, adoptive mother and my adoptive father. I had low self esteem when we met and it lowered when I stayed in the r/s.

If we flip this the other way around, she was my rock bottom, I didn't want to go back to being treated the way I was by anyone ever. She taught me to stick up for myself and don't put with abuse.

[Making sense]

I ask myself sometimes, why did I ever miss her? Why did I ever want to go back? Why did I obsess over her in the beginning of the breakups?

For myself, I had to find out after I left, I was co dependent on my ex. Everytime she cheated, lied, manipulated or ignored me, I had a feeling of wanting to leave her, and threatened it so many times. But... .I never did it. I didn't because deep down I thought, where am i going to go? I will be alone, with no one to love me. At least I come home and there she is. I get sex, and an arm around me at night.  She was like a warm blanket.

I feel I LET her treat me this way because I never left her when I should have, and said "No! You do not treat me this way. Im outta here."  I was just too afraid to be alone. When I finally decided I had enough with the cheating I left, but in my case, I STILL had no where to go. My Mother is dying of Cancer and I have two guy friends, one that is Married, and the other is living back at home again after his nasty divorce. I decided to go to my local YMCA and rent a room and been here since.  I was utterly depressed and lifeless, but as a friend told me "You have a full time job. You have a lot of money in savings. You have a roof over your head and most importantly you cannot get yelled at, ignored or cheated on anymore. You are free."

You don't rationalize it like that in the beginning but he is right. But I would think about my ex every single day, and when she texted me or talked to me it gave me comfort even though I know she is seeing someone else. I took comfort in someone who cheated on me and had no remorse because I had very little self respect. Here I am in a small room with a bed and a dresser, surrounded by alcoholic men on social assistance, BUT... .I was finally free. I don't have to stay here forever, but it is a process, and takes time.  I have finally broken contact with my ex and told her I cannot be friends with her if she is with someone else and I still have feelings for her. Ive beat myself up because I think, why do I love her after what she did? Is that normal?  I still think about her and already miss talking to her, but yet again, Is this apart of the grieving or should I not have her in my head at all?

Its hard to even comprehend that she has this disorder and she NEVER was the girl I thought she was. That is probably the one thing that has messed with my head. Our whole relationship, talking, laughing, memories, making love, and just normal spending time together... .everything, was a farce. It wasnt real. Its hard to accept and even more so wondering why I still care for her, and think about her when I know I am not in her thoughts at all.

Hard times, but in time, it will change. My good times are coming