How do I support my wife's need to inform family members of her hurt feelings

[Cole]

dBPDw is back on the bandwagon again this morning that I need to tell all my relatives about the things they have done that have hurt her feelings over the past 18 years.  

MIL never allowed W to speak up for herself as a child, so she has never learned how.

My thought, and that of my T, is that she needs to take responsibility for her feelings and tell people they have hurt her feelings herself. It is not my responsibility, whether a relative of mine or not. It just feeds the Karpman triangle, and it is a skill that at age 48 she needs to have anyway.  

Am I off here saying this is her responsibility?

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[Skip]

I might rephrase the challenge here... .how can you support your wife as she works through hurt feelings about a family member on your side or the family? It is your family, it is reasonable that she needs your support.

In this context, I think it has to be dealt with, family member by family member and deal with the most hurtful issue first. Dealing with one or two will focus this (sounds like she has over generalized) and shrink the issue (she may not need to confront anyone).

Debating over who should do it is a typical "lost in the forest" situation. No answer to this will advance her, or the relationship, or the conflict she feels. The energy needs to be shifted to specific issues and specific constructive acts.

What is it that she is hurt about?

[Cole]

I might rephrase the challenge here... .how can you support your wife as she works through hurt feelings about a family member on your side or the family? It is your family, it is reasonable that she needs your support.

In this context, I think it has to be dealt with, family member by family member and deal with the most hurtful issue first. Dealing with one or two will focus this (sounds like she has over generalized) and shrink the issue (she may not need to confront anyone).

Debating over who should do it is a typical "lost in the forest" situation. No answer to this will advance her, or the relationship, or the conflict she feels. The energy needs to be shifted to specific issues and specific constructive acts.

What is it that she is hurt about?

Supporting her is difficult, as she will not be happy until in her words, "They all feel as bad as I do." She wants me to tell them that she almost committed suicide and it is all their fault.

I see a need to support her, but she seeks angry confrontation and demands of apologies for things no one remembers. That is going to be counterproductive. 


The hurts are wide and varied. Many either did not happen or are drastically blown out of proportion. In typical feeling=facts fashion, she has rewritten history in her mind to position herself as a victim. I will not say she is intentionally lying, only that she truly believes her version of events. 

[Tattered Heart]

Do you think she will still want the angry confrontation once she is face to face with the relatives?

I know my H will sometimes go to a total annihilation scenario in his head because he is worried about the worst case scenario taking place. So then when he has hard conversations that actually go well, he forgets all about wanting them to be hurt.

I can imagine that your wife is feeling pretty scared. Could you offer to go with her to each of these conversations but then allow her to talk about whatever she needs to say?

[Skip]

pwBPD generalize and catastrophize. I think the only chance you have in these situations in help her specify and take an accounting.

You may not want to invest the effort. It's a lot of work. But the feeling are there and she is clueless on how to process them.

What is the biggest hurt? What was the incident? Who did it? How did she react at the time? Has the other person been told? How did they respond?

[Cole]

Do you think she will still want the angry confrontation once she is face to face with the relatives?

I know my H will sometimes go to a total annihilation scenario in his head because he is worried about the worst case scenario taking place. So then when he has hard conversations that actually go well, he forgets all about wanting them to be hurt.

I can imagine that your wife is feeling pretty scared. Could you offer to go with her to each of these conversations but then allow her to talk about whatever she needs to say?

That's the fun part. She does not want to go. She wants me to go "confront them and make them feel bad" for her. She wants no responsibility for it.

pwBPD generalize and catastrophize. I think the only chance you have in these situations in help her specify and take an accounting.

You may not want to invest the effort. It's a lot of work. But the feeling are there and she is clueless on how to process them.

What is the biggest hurt? What was the incident? Who did it? How did she react at the time? Has the other person been told? How did they respond?

Biggest hurt is she says heard my brother tell my cousin he wished I would just f*** her out of my system when we were dating. She did not tell me about this incident that supposedly happened in 2000 until about a year ago. At first she said she only heard part of what they were saying. Now she claims to have very clearly heard the whole thing. Her story about how it happened and exactly what was said has changed several times.

I doubt my brother would ever say such a thing. I have seen her have panic attacks in social settings, claiming people are talking about her when they are not. If we are in a room and someone laughs, she often assumes they are laughing at her.  

I will add here that she had a good relationship with my brother until about 3-4 years ago. Not sure what changed, but that is when she suddenly decided my entire family hates her.

[Skip]

That is the biggest event?

Does she have other issues with your brother?

[Cole]

That is the biggest event?

Does she have other issues with your brother?

That is the biggest event .

No, I do not think there are other issues with him specifically.

She has often told me she has serious problems in thinking she is "not good enough". My brother is a successful CEO and part of the country club crowd. W comes from low income background where MIL and FIL always told her rich people don't like their type. I think she is just intimidated and has built this all up in her head.

[Skip]

So narrow in on this one event and this one relative with her. Walk here through how you can approach this together in a constructive way. Privately dial your brother in so that you wife's approach is well received.

She feels inferior and can't modulate it.

[Cole]

So narrow in on this one event and this one relative with her. Walk here through how you can approach this together in a constructive way. Privately dial your brother in so that you wife's approach is well received.

She feels inferior and can't modulate it.

My concern is if/when he says he never said that she will begin to rage, making it worse than it is now. 

[Skip]

My concern is if/when he says he never said that she will begin to rage, making it worse than it is now. 

Is that the best you could get from your brother?

Her: Tim, it really hurt my feelings in 2007 when you said my husband should just use me for sex and throw me away.
Brother: I didn't say that. JADE JADE.
Her: Screams uncontrollably at brother.

Or could it look like... .

Her: Tim, it really hurt my feelings in 2007 when you said my husband should just use me for sex and throw me away.
Brother: Ouch. Did I say that?  I don't remember what I said back then, but I have said some dumb things in my life and I hope I didn't say that. You never deserved that.  If I did I'm sorry. The important thing is that as I've gotten to know you I learned to respect you and enjoy having you in the family. Hug.
Her: Wow. Thanks. It did hurt my feeling, but it was a long time ago.

[Cole]

Is that the best you could get from your brother?

Her: Tim, it really hurt my feelings in 2007 when you said my husband should just use me for sex and throw me away.
Brother: I didn't say that. JADE JADE.
Her: Screams uncontrollably at brother.

Or could it look like... .

Her: Tim, it really hurt my feelings in 2007 when you said my husband should just use me for sex and throw me away.
Brother: Ouch. Did I say that?  I don't remember what I said back then, but I have said some dumb things in my life and I hope I didn't say that. You never deserved that.  If I did I'm sorry. The important thing is that as I've gotten to know you I learned to respect you and enjoy having you in the family. Hug.
Her: Wow. Thanks. It did hurt my feeling, but it was a long time ago.

Skip,
Your scenario of the right way to do it does make a lot of sense to me.

Whether or not she would accept that or not is debatable. She does not seem to want anything less than a full admission of guilt along with pain and suffering by the offender.

It is worth a try, though!