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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: When NC feels like the path of most resistance, ex contacted me  (Read 683 times)
Freeatlast_1
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« on: October 05, 2017, 02:04:15 AM »

So my And I broke up one month ago. As predicted she got into a new relationship a week after the break up. We had a very heated conversation 10 days ago that involved cursing, degrading comments from both of us, etc. After that I blocked her from everywhere including email Facebook, text messaging, and email. I started my healing process. To my surprise, I get a text from her yesterday. I am not sure how! It shocked me because I really thought I blocked her. It's pretty sad that I blocked and unblocked so many times that I lost count of what was the last thing I did... .which apparently was unblock, when I thought I blocked. Anyhow, the text involved "I hope you're doing well... My aunt has XYZ medical problems, can you connect her with the right resources... .bla bla." I replied a day later after I collected my thoughts, I replied in a sentence regarding the medical issue. She then texts me the "don't assume I am texting you because I need something (yeah right), I miss you, how are you". I didn't reply to that. Very inappropriate I thought. She is with someone else, and reaching out to me. But something happened in my mind... .I remember the struggle I had with the blocking unblocking confusion... .I thought... .if blocking is so anxiety provoking, shouldn't I just leave her unblocked and simply not respond when I don't want to? I am finding it more relaxing that she remains unblocked and when I get a text... .not to care. Versus having her blocked and keep obsessing about her. Has anyone experienced this? Blocking created a resistance within me which made me feel very anxious. Why do they reach out with "I miss you" when they are in a honeymoon phase, I wonder. Honestly, I am viewing her in a clear lens now and I have sympathy for her, mixed with anger and resentment. Has anyone here experienced this? In our first break up the "I miss you" text gave me a lot of nostalgia, as I believed it. Now after our second break up, I simply feel like "yeah u miss me so much you just want to triangulate me". It's sad. I am leaving her unblocked so I can train myself to "face the tiger" that is my emotions towards her and conquer my fears. My goal is to get a text and be totally indifferent. Has anyone gotten there?
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« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2017, 03:41:40 AM »

I learned NC means No contact. Being on the other side of gaslighting and the NC it hurts but it allows the message to be loud and clear: "I don't want to talk to you or even hear from you".
I still attempted to contact her and yes she responded with vile insults.
I suggest reading in detail about the purpose of NC. Making a decision that will allow you to move on with your life and heal from somebody that cared so little the she gotbinvolvrd with someone else quickly.
Again, I'm so happy that I don't know for certain my exBPD got involved with someone else. I suspect she did, but don't know for certain and don't care. Just think of the next guy getting fooled.
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« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2017, 05:00:03 AM »

In answer to your question, yes.  I recently bumped into him and wasn't triggered at all.  My ex is not blocked on my phone. 

In my case, with my ex's violence, I decided that it made me less anxious to know if he was bombarding me or not, and I found it a great relief to know that after my final request for NC he respected that the best he could.  I had 2 further messages, around a month apart and then they tailed off altogether.  Had I not known this, I might have felt much more threatened and less in control.  It would play on my mind that he could be out there somewhere frantically trying to get my attention and potentially resort to doing something more like turning up at my home if he weren't succeeding.  It was very reassuring to know this wasn't the case.

The boundary is on myself not to reply if he contacts me and I'm comfortable that I will not respond, no matter what I receive.  I haven't previously despite attempts to elicit help from me with sob stories when he did reach out at first.  The feelings I had following the r/s have been worked through and I am in a much better place in myself, so leaving him unblocked works for me, yet I know it's not for everyone.

NC is after all a means to an end.  The purpose of NC is to allow us to work on healing, and it's down to us to recognise where we are with that and what sort of measures we need to take to protect ourselves during that process.  It is not meant to be a crutch forever.  If facing the tiger sits better with you, then more power to you.  How are you approaching the emotions?

Love and light x 
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« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2017, 06:27:31 AM »

when my relationship ended, i tried for a month or two to exchange belongings. when i finally accepted that it wasnt going to happen, i stopped trying. i didnt go "NC", i just ended the pursuit.

youre finding, like many, that "NC" is anxiety inducing for one or both parties. its why its not really recommended, at least not as a solution to any problem/conflict, or as a means to get over an ex.

its not that "contact" is necessarily recommended, but in an ideal world, we get to a place in our healing that we are not wounded by contact, or the prospect of it. we let go of the crutch.

reading between the lines a bit, i sense that you are straddling a line here. on one hand youve determined that blocking is extreme and unnecessary, perhaps counter productive. on the other, it sounds like you might be switching gears to "contact on my terms" and feeling some power over that.

be mindful of this. neither "NC" nor "training yourself to face the tiger" is about mentally letting go, but another form of power struggle.

Excerpt
If you really don't want to "disconnect", if you're hurt and timid and it's not a high priority get healthy, you will find many reasons not to do the obvious. Or, even more common, if you are still holding out some hope, or are strugglng with uncertainty, you will likely fear the permanence of such action and purposely select something ineffective and secretly hope that it fails.

Let's call all of this, "dubious intent."

When the cure becomes the disease.

The problem with the oft suggested "No Contact" tactics (blocking the e-mails, and silence) is that, when coupled with "dubious intent", they can easily be misdirected into ways to vent anger, to punish, to manipulate, to make a statement, to defend a principle, to make someone appreciate you, to try to force someone to listen to you, ... .to even win some one back (?).

And these tactics will often generate a non- productive counter response with the borderline partner. Along with high emotions - the borderline partner's fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they won't be able to cope and will seek retribution.

You could, at the same time, feel very guilty for what you've done, and when your anger subsides, find yourself asking to be accepted back into the relationship - maybe with less self esteem than when you left.

None of this is healthy disengagement. This is only advancing a dysfunctional relationship to a higher level of dysfunctionally.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way
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Lost-love-mind
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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2017, 07:59:47 AM »

when my relationship ended, i tried for a month or two to exchange belongings. when i finally accepted that it wasnt going to happen, i stopped trying. i didnt go "NC", i just ended the pursuit.

youre finding, like many, that "NC" is anxiety inducing for one or both parties. its why its not really recommended, at least not as a solution to any problem/conflict, or as a means to get over an ex.

its not that "contact" is necessarily recommended, but in an ideal world, we get to a place in our healing that we are not wounded by contact, or the prospect of it. we let go of the crutch.



be mindful of this. neither "NC" nor "training yourself to face the tiger" is about mentally letting go, but another form of power struggle.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Yes. I sort of get it. NC by the first person to initiate it after a breakup should be adhered to in the strictest sense by the non. Even if it means the non will probably never get closure from his exBPD with narc tendencies and just accept the gaslighting effect and move on?
My exBPD was different eg Quiet introverted type.
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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2017, 08:24:59 AM »

should be adhered to in the strictest sense

the point is not to get caught up in tactics and rules but to pick the tool that applies best to your situation with the goal of letting go.

there are many tools/approaches to detaching described here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284223.0

but if youre asking if we should respect the boundaries of someone who has expressed that they want no contact with us, the answer is yes.
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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2017, 03:54:01 PM »

Honestly, I am viewing her in a clear lens now and I have sympathy for her, mixed with anger and resentment. Has anyone here experienced this? In our first break up the "I miss you" text gave me a lot of nostalgia, as I believed it. Now after our second break up, I simply feel like "yeah u miss me so much you just want to triangulate me". It's sad. I am leaving her unblocked so I can train myself to "face the tiger" that is my emotions towards her and conquer my fears. My goal is to get a text and be totally indifferent. Has anyone gotten there?

Freeatlast_1, I don't think that is a statement of factual clarity, it is a statement of conflicting emotions. Most of what you have posted here is contradictory, anxiety-ridden, emotional reasoning. I could go through your posts and find many thing that are directly contradictory.

It would be good to get to an emotionally calm place and seek help (as we all often do) on what is clarity.  You are not in a good place to know right now.

Yes, it makes no sense to block and unblock and block and unblock an ex-partner.

It makes no sense to come here and just report on emotional things after the fact - get help here.

I miss you, how are you". I didn't reply to that. Very inappropriate I thought. She is with someone else, and reaching out to me.

Clarity. You are a push / pull guy. You kicked her out. Went crazy because she connected with someone else. She reaches back and you feel its wrong.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not suggesting that you carelessly jump back in to the relationship... .I am saying talk things through here and get on terra firma. You can make better decisions from there.
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2017, 01:24:32 AM »

Freeatlast_1, I don't think that is a statement of factual clarity, it is a statement of conflicting emotions. Most of what you have posted here is contradictory, anxiety-ridden, emotional reasoning. I could go through your posts and find many thing that are directly contradictory.

It would be good to get to an emotionally calm place and seek help (as we all often do) on what is clarity.  You are not in a good place to know right now.

Yes, it makes no sense to block and unblock and block and unblock an ex-partner.

It makes no sense to come here and just report on emotional things after the fact - get help here.

Clarity. You are a push / pull guy. You kicked her out. Went crazy because she connected with someone else. She reaches back and you feel its wrong.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not suggesting that you carelessly jump back in to the relationship... .I am saying talk things through here and get on terra firma. You can make better decisions from there.

Skip, I agree with you that there is conflicting emotions. My anxiety has gotten much better over the last month. I am struggling with letting go and detaching from her. I am struggling that we could not make it work. I have some strong days when I am ok with moving on and then I have bad days when I’m in denial hoping she will come back and get back into therapy, DBT, mindfulness or whatever it will take to get the tools to decrease the dysregulation and distortions which I frankly couldn’t handle. It was a different situation every day with her. When I thought I’m better at validating and she also noticed it, something else comes up. It was like murcury I couldn’t navigate her moods. Now that we are in LC (no longer NC) I’m realizing it’s over. That’s the challenging part... .that it’s over. So yes, I am conflicted... .and that’s why I’m posting here. Maybe to get some clarity over time, hoping this will help me heal.
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2017, 01:30:58 AM »

when my relationship ended, i tried for a month or two to exchange belongings. when i finally accepted that it wasnt going to happen, i stopped trying. i didnt go "NC", i just ended the pursuit.

youre finding, like many, that "NC" is anxiety inducing for one or both parties. its why its not really recommended, at least not as a solution to any problem/conflict, or as a means to get over an ex.

its not that "contact" is necessarily recommended, but in an ideal world, we get to a place in our healing that we are not wounded by contact, or the prospect of it. we let go of the crutch.

reading between the lines a bit, i sense that you are straddling a line here. on one hand youve determined that blocking is extreme and unnecessary, perhaps counter productive. on the other, it sounds like you might be switching gears to "contact on my terms" and feeling some power over that.

be mindful of this. neither "NC" nor "training yourself to face the tiger" is about mentally letting go, but another form of power struggle.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Once removed - letting go is what I’m struggling with. I realize the relationship was unhealthy and it ended for a reason. In fact we broke up twice already, it’s apparent that I’m not trained at handling a BPD. Now that it’s over and she is with someone else, it is anxiety provoking. I am seeing a therapist who keeps saying the same thing in every session and I get it, it’s not a healthy R/S for me and it won’t make me happy but how do you let go... .I think of this woman every day.
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2017, 01:38:35 AM »



It makes no sense to come here and just report on emotional things after the fact - get help here.


Skip, can you elaborate on what you mean by “report emotional things after the fact”? My thought is How could I get help here if not by reporting how I feel about the break up after everything that happened... .I find it very beneficial to report “emotional things after the fact” because a lot of us might be going through a similar situation and not everyone has clarity a month in.
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« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2017, 04:06:19 AM »

I get it, it’s not a healthy R/S for me and it won’t make me happy but how do you let go... .I think of this woman every day.
Profound.
I was nowhere near as close with my exBPD. It's been over for almost 4 mos.  and it was only a 2 mos. r/s.
The best I've ever heard it explained is as follows:
"A relationship with a Borderline will cause you to experience such extremes on a regular basis that you develop an addiction without even knowing it. You become hooked on the high aspects of the relationship, and when things are bad, you’ll do anything to get back in their good graces because there is such a horrible withdraw. These relationships cause huge chemical changes in our brains. When the ‘love rush’ gets cut off, we are physically, mentally, and emotionally sick. It takes a good amount of time for your brain chemistry to balance itself out – others don’t understand that."
www.borderlinewaif.com/relationships/why-no-contact-nc-is-necessary-after-a-BPD-breakup/


We do on this forum. Keep posting.
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« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2017, 08:19:19 AM »

I find it very beneficial to report “emotional things after the fact” because a lot of us might be going through a similar situation and not everyone has clarity a month in.

It might help to come here and get centered and talk about what you are going to email or text before you respond to her - rather than shot out an emotional response that amps up the drama on both sides.
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« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2017, 08:31:57 AM »

"These relationships cause huge chemical changes in our brains. When the ‘love rush’ gets cut off, we are physically, mentally, and emotionally sick. It takes a good amount of time for your brain chemistry to balance itself out – others don’t understand that."
www.borderlinewaif.com/relationships/why-no-contact-nc-is-necessary-after-a-BPD-breakup/

Be careful using person blogs as neurobiology references - this is just a guy like you with a opinion based on how he feels.

You could also explain the pain as simply insecure attachment and  fear of abandonment. It's important to understand that while these are difficult relationship to part from, part of the difficultiy manifests in our emoti0onal construction.


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« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2017, 08:54:31 AM »

Once removed - letting go is what I’m struggling with. I realize the relationship was unhealthy and it ended for a reason.

... .

but how do you let go

the short answer is by "processing", which means letting go is a "process". youre in that process. some of what youre doing isnt helping you, and some of it is. i did a lot of stuff that kept me stuck, and sometimes thats part of the "process", because i wasnt ready to let go until i was.

practicing mindfulness (wisemind) was a good start for me. i became more "mindful" about my feelings, where i was at emotionally, and how i was responding to it. i became more deliberate about moving forward on a healthy path. i was less affected by my feelings, powerful as they were.

i talked with others who listened, who validated, and who challenged my thinking (i think that is what is being suggested; work with others, not after the fact, but in an ongoing way, with your struggles. make it a meaningful dialogue). i cried a lot. i did creative writing exercises. i started envisioning the future i wanted and began, slowly, to work toward it.

you say that the relationship ended for a reason, and you realize that that reason wasnt all her. that will help. exploring this reason (or reasons) is part of the process, too. i know at one month i did not have the clarity on those reasons that i do now.

letting go is a mental journey and exercise. NC and LC are more situational and physical tools, and a person can successfully detach while using either, or fail.

have you read the lessons to the right of the board (particularly the stages of detachment)? to me, they are a road map for what healthy grieving and detaching from these relationships looks like, and what informs the process.
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