Broke NC, ugh

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi!  So I was doing really well with NC... .I almost made it 3 months. Then I came across a video I wanted to send her months ago and I sent it.  I made up some BS about it being an accident... .Then I accidentally sent a text meant for someone else. I felt so dumb, like I was digging myself into a hole.  And yet again, I sent a text saying I missed her.  She only responded to the 1st text.  I had a good cry at the realization that she doesnt miss me and that I meant nothing to her.  It was actually therapeutic in a way and I've been doing very well lately.  Not sure why I would try and reach out.  I dont have the anger for her that I had before.  I do really miss her and want to talk to try and clear things up with her.  I was not totally nice when she left and I realized she had someone else lined up and what I was reading about BPD that I didnt know.  I asked her about her BPD and she shut down from me... This sucks!

[PaticAttack]

Hi!  So I was doing really well with NC... .I almost made it 3 months. Then I came across a video I wanted to send her months ago and I sent it.  I made up some BS about it being an accident... .Then I accidentally sent a text meant for someone else. I felt so dumb, like I was digging myself into a hole.  And yet again, I sent a text saying I missed her.  She only responded to the 1st text.  I had a good cry at the realization that she doesnt miss me and that I meant nothing to her.  It was actually therapeutic in a way and I've been doing very well lately.  Not sure why I would try and reach out.  I dont have the anger for her that I had before.  I do really miss her and want to talk to try and clear things up with her.  I was not totally nice when she left and I realized she had someone else lined up and what I was reading about BPD that I didnt know.  I asked her about her BPD and she shut down from me... This sucks!

[tektro_BPD]

Wow don't communicate any further. I just messed up too but I have only been able to go for days without communicating. I know it's soo damn hard to do. I can't imagine going 3 months and then breaking NC. Just hang  in there and try not to beat yourself up. I broke it tonight and I regret it. I was crying all day and I got week. I started talking to her and was saying to myself what the hell am I doing. We ended up yelling at each other and hung up. I know it's hard to except that these relationships are broken. Take care

[PaticAttack]

Thanks for the reply Tektro!  I just realized that is not quite 3 months... Anyway, yes, this is hard.  I think me not feeling as angry with her made me think that she gave a crap.  Nope, just hopeful thinking!


I am sorry to hear about your struggle, it makes me sad when I hear others situations but it also helps me not feel so alone.   You can get through it, one day at a time.  Or as I chant to myself a lot, I can make it 15 minutes!

Cheers!

[confusedbloke]

I broke NC at the weekend when I was feeling down and hungover.  Shes called me a couple of times since... .told me shes missing me, and yesterday she said she was bitter that I used to do things on my own without her.  Even now when I explain its because she would push away for days, I still don't think she gets it.  Or I didn't take her out because she would get drunk and dys-regulate and ruin every occasion.  And she did!  I needed to have a life while she withdrew.  She just saw it that I wanted to be away from her... .  Which on the odd occasion I wanted to go out with friends.  She didn't / wouldn't / cant see her part in it.  I said that I loved her, and she said "it didn't feel that way"... .  And I said well I did and you never believed me... .in fact I said I still love her, and I also said to her to not worry, I'm not after her, and that its a detachment process as its still quite raw.  Shes a conflicted soul that will never let anyone in (well me anyway) and I cannot waste my life trying to get a woman to believe I love her... .Its exhausting.  I said that we were both obsessed with each other, and ultimately our obsession killed us.  I cant remember how she responded to that... .But that's the way I see it.

Thing is that when you break NC, you think about them... .but lets be fair, we think about them a lot anyway, or we wouldn't break NC.  Its like having a small amount of drug, just to get you through the day... .  So you broke NC, so what?  Just get on with life and what will be will be

[LoveLostHeart]

How are you doing today?

[PaticAttack]

How are you doing today?

I'm feeling a bit sad and hopeless, I really just want her to know that I care about her. I want to support, understand and be there for her. I miss her presence in my life even if it's just a friendship that we have, I want to talk to her and hear her. I've learned so much about myself through all of this and have grown so much. I'm a better person because of my short time with her. I've learned how to love myself more and to have compassion for myself as well as for others. I love her and want her to know that.

[confused4now]

 I am so glad I read this post . I had gone 5 weeks NC and broke it too. He responded, but not how I wanted. I was looking for him to make me feel loved. He was cold, and I felt rejected, I reached out again,(made some dumb excuse). I felt so needy and clingy, which is so abnormal b/c he was the clingy one. Thats what is so hard to accept, he has discarded me and moved on to someone else. I can say, I didn't want him to know I love and care about him, I wanted him to validate that I meant something to him. I am glad he didn't, it forces me to stay in reality. Before when he would take off, all I had to do was respond to his text and he was all over it. I thought I was so over him because I fought so hard for him to leave, I did not expect it too be this painful. NC is the way to go... .It was much easier when I did not let him in my head.  

[PaticAttack]

Cofused4now! 

It is very hard!  I also want my feelings validated and want to hear that she misses me too!  I keep forgetting that pwBPD don't feel the same way we do. I have also been replaced and I keep "stalking" her social media, which she has blocked me from, for that damn picture of them together. She's not letting me see it and it's driving me crazy! I feel like she's toying with me. I'm not even 100% sure if she's with that person but pretty sure. I just want to see it so that I can fully let go of any hope that I'm holding on to for her to come back.

I am extremely grateful for this site, I would be so much more of a wreak without it! 

[SuperJew82]

I'm sorry buddy. Don't feel bad. Most of us have done this. I think it's part of the learning process. I broke NC three times... .with every time I did it, I got a little wiser and it served as a reality check.

Stay strong and figure out something to do when you get the urge to contact. I think most people have adopted a coping strategy. Mine is that I grab a notepad and write down all the awful things I let her to do me.

Never again man.

The good times were not worth all the hell we had to pay. Time to throw out those rose-coloured glasses.