venting and really confused...story of my life

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was having a conversation with my BPDbf this is how it went

Him:i'm starting not to care no one else does

Me:what do you mean

Him:Just everyone's attitudes effect mine

Me:Just try not to associate with or listen to the people like that

Him: It's people on the road it's people in lines it's everyone

Me: I understand that it can be frustrating to have to deal with people that don't have the best attitude the bright side is though that you prob won't ever have to interact or even see those people again

Him: Stop trying to get me to be positive I don't care and it won't happen ... .another thing that bothers me is that everytime I look at something bad you try to see the good and everytime I see the good you look for the bad

Me: I'm sorry I don't see it that way

Him:well I do and that's the only thing that matters

Me: Why is it so easy for you to point out the bad things I do or my bad qualities but it's so hard for you to say anything good about me?

Him: There isn't much good

I got silent he said a few more things about something else that was totally irrelevant  then said let me go i'm almost to class I said ok

We hung up and I texted him and said "the statement you made about there isn't much good with me hurt my feelings"

He calls back and starts screaming at me telling me I'm a manipulative liar and everything out of my mouth is BS and when he said that he meant there was no good in the world not with me... .I repeated what I asked him and he said he didn't hear the part about being about me and I need to stop making everything about me and I need to quit being a narcissistic attention wh*re... .I said "the conversation was about me you had said I always say everything opposite of you" he said and that's where it stopped I said no it's not I asked why you don't see the good in me?... .he said no you didn't you're lying and you aren't going to convince me otherwise (when he admitted 2 min before that I did ask that) i'm so sick of you making me feel responsible and like all I do is hurt your feelings you need to take responsibility for this this is your fault

I know this was wrong but I said you know I don't argue with you (I try to avoid it at all costs and will take blame when I shouldn't to make it stop) but I know what was said If you didn't hear the question correctly I understand but you don't need to call me names. He said yes I do because you're a liar and nothing else matters

so once again i'm confused... .do I just not express my feelings? (it's been a long time since he's jumped at me like that over it) Could I have done anything differently to avoid the conflict? (I know I did things wrong during it)

[lostandconfused6]

I was having a conversation with my BPDbf this is how it went

Him:i'm starting not to care no one else does

Me:what do you mean

Him:Just everyone's attitudes effect mine

Me:Just try not to associate with or listen to the people like that

Him: It's people on the road it's people in lines it's everyone

Me: I understand that it can be frustrating to have to deal with people that don't have the best attitude the bright side is though that you prob won't ever have to interact or even see those people again

Him: Stop trying to get me to be positive I don't care and it won't happen ... .another thing that bothers me is that everytime I look at something bad you try to see the good and everytime I see the good you look for the bad

Me: I'm sorry I don't see it that way

Him:well I do and that's the only thing that matters

Me: Why is it so easy for you to point out the bad things I do or my bad qualities but it's so hard for you to say anything good about me?

Him: There isn't much good

I got silent he said a few more things about something else that was totally irrelevant  then said let me go i'm almost to class I said ok

We hung up and I texted him and said "the statement you made about there isn't much good with me hurt my feelings"

He calls back and starts screaming at me telling me I'm a manipulative liar and everything out of my mouth is BS and when he said that he meant there was no good in the world not with me... .I repeated what I asked him and he said he didn't hear the part about being about me and I need to stop making everything about me and I need to quit being a narcissistic attention wh*re... .I said "the conversation was about me you had said I always say everything opposite of you" he said and that's where it stopped I said no it's not I asked why you don't see the good in me?... .he said no you didn't you're lying and you aren't going to convince me otherwise (when he admitted 2 min before that I did ask that) i'm so sick of you making me feel responsible and like all I do is hurt your feelings you need to take responsibility for this this is your fault

I know this was wrong but I said you know I don't argue with you (I try to avoid it at all costs and will take blame when I shouldn't to make it stop) but I know what was said If you didn't hear the question correctly I understand but you don't need to call me names. He said yes I do because you're a liar and nothing else matters

so once again i'm confused... .do I just not express my feelings? (it's been a long time since he's jumped at me like that over it) Could I have done anything differently to avoid the conflict? (I know I did things wrong during it)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[urbabyunicorn]

Hi L&C6,

I'm sorry you had that convo. I know how triggering it can be. You start off having a normal day and it just turns on you in a matter of moments. The advice I can offer (which is hard to do) is wait until he is calm to let him know how he made/makes you feel. He wont be able to hear you when he's in that irrational state. We fall into the BAD Person category. When things calm down and you're no longer a threat to him the conversation might be smoother and you'll feel heard. That doesn't mean your feelings arent important at the moment or you don't feel hurt or attacked. Just means he's not the person that can take care of you at that moment.

[lostandconfused6]

thank you for your response

That is great advice and I appreciate it

It's just been so long since he has straight out said "you're lying and manipulating me" I had nothing to gain for repeating what he said and def would have had nothing to gain from making it up

[urbabyunicorn]

That makes sense to most of us. Not to a BPD unfortunately especially when they have left the building of reality.

Hope things are better for you.

[Tattered Heart]

Hey lostandconfused,

Sorry your conversation went south. Looking at it I can see some key points where you might have been able to change your response.

Could I have done anything differently to avoid the conflict? (I know I did things wrong during it)

Let's work through it. I'm going to focus on your end of the conversation because we are here on the improving board to begin improving ourselves and our communication with our pwBPD. I see some things that may have helped the conversation go better. In his next statement he basically tells you to stop trying to fix his problems.

Him:Just everyone's attitudes effect mine

Me:Just try not to associate with or listen to the people like that

This may be the point where he begins to get irritated. He was pouring out his feelings to you and this statement could be perceived as dismissing his concerns. He says, "I have a problem. I"m hurting. I am emotionally affected by other people" and you say, "Just ignore it." Don't Be Invalidating

How could you validate his emotions?

Him: It's people on the road it's people in lines it's everyone

Me: I understand that it can be frustrating to have to deal with people that don't have the best attitude the bright side is though that you prob won't ever have to interact or even see those people again

Him: Stop trying to get me to be positive I don't care and it won't happen ... .another thing that bothers me is that everytime I look at something bad you try to see the good and everytime I see the good you look for the bad

Highlighted portion is good validation. The last statement tries to fix his negativity. Let him come up with the answer to how to fix his problems. This is a form of walking on egg shells. pwBPD has a negative experience so we try to push it away and replace it with positive.

Me: I'm sorry I don't see it that way

Him:well I do and that's the only thing that matters

You start to JADE. Apologizing and justifying. He says that his feelings are what matter right now.

Me: Why is it so easy for you to point out the bad things I do or my bad qualities but it's so hard for you to say anything good about me?
 

What happened here? He was telling you about something that had been bothering him and then it changed to what you are feeling. Did something he say hurt your feelings? This part of the conversation left me a little confused. He may have felt the same.

We hung up and I texted him and said "the statement you made about there isn't much good with me hurt my feelings"

This would be a great place to use SET. SET would look like, "I understand that our conversation got heated. We both got worked up, but it hurt my feelings when you said there wasn't anything good about me."

Can you see those areas in the conversation where the tools could have been used a little more?

[lostandconfused6]

That's the thing I don't know how to sincerely validate that ?  I don't understand how someone you don't know that has no direct interaction with him can work him up so badly. I just need to learn to let it go sometimes and even if i'm not being sincere I need to realize who i'm talking to and act/talk accordingly

The reason I said the part about seeing the bad in me is because of the statement he made about what bothers him about me... .it was a complete and outright lie and he is so quick to do that and it's not ok... .if he spent half as much time listing the good things about me as he does the bad I think he would be a lot happier of a person... .I understand with BPD that's harder but at some point I have to stand up for myself and telling an out right lie about me and the things I do or don't do isn't okay... .then because he feels bad that I pointed out that he hurt my feelings he pretends like the convo never happened and calls me a lying manipulator... .I know he heard what I said he responded with a knee jerk answer and prob didn't even think about it because he was in that mood... .He just hadn't reacted so aggressively to me pointing out my feelings were hurt in so long it threw me for a loop and he also hadn't said in over a year that I was making it all up

He admitted to me last night, while we were having a long talk about how he's been depressed the last 7 days, that he snaps at me sometimes when I don't tell him what he wants to hear... .and he will say things he know aren't true to discredit me and make me look bad so he can convince himself i'm not right

[Tattered Heart]

That's the thing I don't know how to sincerely validate that ?  I don't understand how someone you don't know that has no direct interaction with him can work him up so badly. I just need to learn to let it go sometimes and even if i'm not being sincere I need to realize who i'm talking to and act/talk accordingly

Have you ever gotten frustrated in traffic? Or irritated when someone cuts a line? That's what he was expressing. IN a way he is asking you to commiserate with him. You don't have to do that, but acknowledging that life can suck sometimes just might be all he needs to hear.

My H will often just go on about how miserable he is at work or how awful this world is. My response is often just "That sucks." or "I can see how that would be frustrating". Other times, I will say something like, "I hear what you're saying. It sounds like your feeling pretty down. Can I help you with something?" Just saying that is enough to get him to start sharing what he is really feeling.

It seems like the part of the conversation you latched on to is the one thing that affected you. It's not about you though. He wasn't upset with you to start with. He is upset that the world is dark and miserable. Yes, his words were hurtful. But it wasn't about hurting you at first. He hurt and when he felt rejected by your ignoring his emotions, he wanted to hurt you. He was just making noise. Hurting you > him hurting.

The best thing is to not allow yourself to get so emotionally invested in his problems. Keeping an emotional distance when he is upset will help you begin to get a clearer perspective about what he is trying to tell you. I constantly have to remind myself that it is about me. When he is upset about hte state of the world, nothing I do or say will make him feel better if I try to fix it for him. I can only control my response. He doesn't have to change and he may never change, but I can change myself.

Sometimes it's easier to blame our partners because their behavior is so bad. After all, we've been putting up with them for so long and if they would just change then everything would be better, right? Not necessarily. This puts us in the role of a victim. But, Are We Victims?

[lostandconfused6]

You always have the best advice I really didn't think of it like that

I'm more of a glass half full kinda girl most of the time... .like when something bad happens I always tend to think about the good I have in my life and consume myself with that instead of the negativity that's happening... .Which is why i'm like umm hello you have me and other good things so why do you only focus on the bad?

i'm guessing my pwBPd can't do that?