Hey lostandconfused,
Sorry your conversation went south. Looking at it I can see some key points where you might have been able to change your response.
Could I have done anything differently to avoid the conflict? (I know I did things wrong during it)
Let's work through it. I'm going to focus on your end of the conversation because we are here on the improving board to begin improving ourselves and our communication with our pwBPD. I see some things that may have helped the conversation go better. In his next statement he basically tells you to stop trying to fix his problems.
Him:Just everyone's attitudes effect mine
Me:Just try not to associate with or listen to the people like that
This may be the point where he begins to get irritated. He was pouring out his feelings to you and this statement could be perceived as dismissing his concerns. He says, "I have a problem. I"m hurting. I am emotionally affected by other people" and you say, "Just ignore it."
Don't Be Invalidating How could you validate his emotions?
Him: It's people on the road it's people in lines it's everyone
Me: I understand that it can be frustrating to have to deal with people that don't have the best attitude the bright side is though that you prob won't ever have to interact or even see those people again
Him: Stop trying to get me to be positive I don't care and it won't happen ... .another thing that bothers me is that everytime I look at something bad you try to see the good and everytime I see the good you look for the bad
Highlighted portion is good validation. The last statement tries to fix his negativity. Let him come up with the answer to how to fix his problems. This is a form of walking on egg shells. pwBPD has a negative experience so we try to push it away and replace it with positive.
Me: I'm sorry I don't see it that way
Him:well I do and that's the only thing that matters
You start to JADE. Apologizing and justifying. He says that his feelings are what matter right now.
Me: Why is it so easy for you to point out the bad things I do or my bad qualities but it's so hard for you to say anything good about me?
What happened here? He was telling you about something that had been bothering him and then it changed to what you are feeling. Did something he say hurt your feelings? This part of the conversation left me a little confused. He may have felt the same.
We hung up and I texted him and said "the statement you made about there isn't much good with me hurt my feelings"
This would be a great place to use
SET. SET would look like, "I understand that our conversation got heated. We both got worked up, but it hurt my feelings when you said there wasn't anything good about me."
Can you see those areas in the conversation where the tools could have been used a little more?