BPD Stepmother

[Briceyoga]

Hello!  I'm new to this so please forgive me if I don't know how to work this right away.  My boyfriend suggested I use this forum as a way to get help with my stepmother. 

My stepmother is a borderline/narcissist.  She has made my life hell for over ten years.  I've recently started therapy to work through a lot of the trauma she has caused in my life.  My stepmother has isolated my sister and me from our father, and she has created countless situations to terrify us and keep us away. 

My dad and my stepmother got married over ten years ago in secret.  Neither my sister nor I had ever met her or knew of her existence.  I found out about the marriage from my mother, who called me a week later because she wanted me to hear it from a family member and not a person around town.  After finding out, my stepmother started inserting herself into our relationship with our father.  When we would talk to him on the phone, she would complain about us in the background, yelling and screaming and calling us all sorts of names.  Emails we would send him, she would respond to, pretending to be my father, telling us that we were mistakes.  She started calling my mother nonstop on our old "houseline" that doesn't exist anymore because of cell phones.  When my mother would pick up, she would hang up.  My mother had caller ID so knew it was her (even though my father always believed my stepmom when she claimed she wasn't doing it even WITH the evidence presented to him that she was doing it). My father came to visit me in LA a couple of times and she called him relentlessly, interrupting any father/daughter time we had planned.  Once I moved back to Georgia, I asked my father if I could borrow his truck to move things.  He agreed.  We switched cars for a week.  Once my stepmother found out, she threatened to have me arrested for grand theft auto.  My stepdad had to drive the truck back to my dad in order to protect me.  She's banned us from going to my father's house, telling us she will call the cops if we come on the property.  My sister and I will sometimes go years now without being able to speak with our father.

My stepmother uses her children and grandchildren as pawns as well.  My father pays a lot of money to support her children and grandchildren.  If he so much as offers to send us any money to help out, she goes ballistic, but she makes him pay for her grandchildren to go to private school.  In my dad's vet clinic, my stepmother has put up portraits of her grandchildren and removed any photos of my sister and me.  Once when I called my dad's clinic, looking for him, his staff member (whom I've known for over 20 years) told me my stepmother came in and told them under no circumstances are they to give my dad any calls from us.  The most diabolical thing my stepmother has ever done with her grandson was making up that he had cancer to get my dad to not go to my nieces birth- HIS granddaughter.   

My father's dad took a turn a couple of years ago.  As he neared his mid80s his health started rapidly declining.  My dad's family decided to take a trip in 2015 together.  This would be the last trip with my grandfather before his death.  My sister and I knew nothing about this trip.  We only learned about it after the fact when my uncle posted pictures on facebook.  There were all our family members.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandparents, my dad and my stepmother along with her children and grandchildren.  My sister and I were robbed of this very special moment with our grandfather (the only granddad we had).  Instead, my stepmother's kids took our place. 

I learned around the time of my grandfather's funeral that my stepmother had blocked my number on my dad's phone.  My father still doesn't believe it even though the evidence, once again, is right there.  At my grandfather's funeral, my stepmother made a show of herself, violently crying while holding onto my grandmother not allowing any of the grandchildren to come near my grandmother. At the gravesite, chairs were placed just for the blood family.  My stepmother placed her and her children and grandchildren in those chairs so that all of the grandkids had to stand in the back.  I think I need to mention that my grandparent's are very wealthy.  It seems pretty clear to everyone but my father that all my stepmother is after is their money AND making sure my sister and I are cut out of any inheritance.  My grandmother is still in an extremely expensive nursing home.  My stepmother's grand plan after the funeral was to move my grandmother out to their house in the country.  My grandmother flat out refused.  My grandparents do know what my stepmother is up to and my grandfather would often talk to us about her abuse.  If my grandmother had moved out to my dad's house, she would have been isolated in the country away from everyone, alone with my stepmother every day. To add insult to injury, my grandfather's obituary had my stepmother's children listed as his grandkids. 

A month or so after the funeral my boyfriend and I need to have our dog fixed.  I brought my dog to my dad.  My dad turned around and charged us for the service.  It was then very clear that the only way my stepmother was going to allow my dad to be my dog's vet, he was going to have to charge us like a regular client.  I can't tell you how heartbreaking that is.  Needless to say, our dog now goes to a different vet. 

The breaking point and the reason why I have started reaching out for help came when I got a message on facebook from a fake account.  This message was warning me that my stepmother as planning on filing a restraining order against me.  I haven't spoken to my father or stepmother in over 4 months when I got the message and in fact, have NEVER had my stepmother's phone number or other contact information.  She has been blocked my social media for years because she used to write facebook status' asking for people to pray her and my dad because of his horrible children.  My sister and I have literally never done anything to her at all.  I know that there is no way she can win a case giving her a restraining order, but it's so upsetting.  If she were to put out a restraining order on me, I could not go where she frequents including to see my grandmother. 

I called my dad today from my mother's phone (because mine is blocked).  My mother and stepfather were there and the call was put on speakerphone.  I wanted to tell my dad about the message, and as I expected, he defended her.  He always defends her.  No matter what she does, he protects her.  My sister and I have dealt with so much.  I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have lost a lot of my sense of power.  I can see the anxiety in my sister and the fear she has when her children, on very few occasions, are around our stepmother. 

The truly painful thing is not having a father who will protect us.  He allows his wife to abuse us a terrify us over and over again.  He is completely under her spell.  It's so painful.  Why would someone stay married to a person who would overtly hurt and abuse his children?

Any advice would be much welcomed.  Thank you!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Briceyoga! 

Welcome! I'm glad that you were encouraged to come and join us at our online family.  This is a place where you can be safe to share anonymously about the things going on in your life without fear of being found out by the pwBPD in your family. When I first began to share here, I was a little afraid that my mom would find out. She was the one with uBPD. But I've settled into knowing it is okay. When you've been around a pwBPD long enough, we tend to watch our backs mighty close, and it sounds as if you have plenty of reason to do this with your step mom.

I have a few questions for you. Do you live with your mom and not your dad? How far away are you from them? Are you in college or working?

I'm thankful that you are seeing a T. I suspect that there is a lot of projection going on inside of your step mom. That projection comes from the extreme fear of rejection that BPDs have. They are so insecure that they hold tight to whatever they can in order to preserve themselves from any possible threat. Do you think she is afraid of you and your sister taking your dad away from her? Is it possible that this is what drives her behavior towards you?

50 Common Questions

This is a very large link but there are many helpful articles that you can chose from which may provide some help and clarification for you. You are not dealing with a healthy person in your stepmom, and your dad has also joined in. I'm so sorry for all the hurt. My mom treated us so badly while we were growing up, and sadly my dad joined right on in and triangulated with her, never protecting us from her wrath either. Not only do you have the pain of dealing with a BPD but also the betrayal of your father. That is a deep and painful hurt. I understand very much. 

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Please let me know how you are doing. Self care for you and your sibling is very important right now. You may need to go NC for a while. Is it possible that you can see what your legal rights are to visit your grandmother since you are a blood relative?

 
Wools

[Alastor]

I read your whole post - wow, what a story, and I guess it’s just the tip of the iceberg. It is typical BPD behavior. My BPDm was always a hermit, so I didn’t have any enablers around like that.  Thankfully she never remarried anyone with kids because I could see her doing the same thing as your stepmother.

Your boyfriend made a good suggestion to join the forum and you get how it works

I’m guessing her children aren’t about to support you since they are on the “all good” side of splitting and benefitting financially.

Why a person defends and enables a person with BPD is super complicated. BPDs are masters at creating FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and playing hapless victims. As a child of a BPDm, I can share that I was often simply afraid of her rage if I had ever dared suggest her accusations against someone else weren’t true. And rageful consequences there would have been. But rest assured it is no walk in the park either for all her enablers. By placating and playing the BPD’s game, enablers very quickly get sucked down the rabbit hole before they know it. Nobody wins with BPD.

I’m sorry you have to deal with all the insidious manipulation. People on this board will be able to relate to your frustration all too well.

[Notwendy]

That's the kind of stepmother that the Cinderella story was based on. As Maya Angelou said- when someone shows you who they are- believe them. Her entourage and your father may be in denial, but you see her as she is.

Your father sounds like a caring person and one has to be caring to be a veterinarian. Because he is who he is, he may not be able to see the side of your stepmother that you see. It is sad. Or he is in denial. However, one thing you need to recognize is that he made this choice. It may be that your stepmother has also taken over his staff-has them bill you, tells them not to speak to you. Since she is their boss' wife, they have to listen to her. They would be afraid for their jobs to not to.

I would be willing to bet she made that Facebook message. Sounds like she wants you out of the family and out of the inheritance.

I don't know if it would help to try to contact your father in secret but it could be worth a try. He may not know about the threat of a restraining order. My BPD mother read all of my father's e mails and listened in on his calls on our house phone. Does your father have a cell phone all to him self? One thing you might try is getting a pre-paid cell phone that is not your regular number and try to call him on his own cell at work that so your number is not recorded on there when she checks. Then when stepmom checks the call log, your number is not on there.

I had a hard time trying to come to terms with my father not standing up for me, or for his relationship with me. It just doesn't seem right for a father to not want to have a relationship with his daughter. That was one of the hardest things for me to understand.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am glad you are on this board for support.