They don't care.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I figured it out finally,  they just don't care.  I was listening to a song and it just hit me.  My aunt told me once that was her surviving mechanismg to seduce people and throw them away.  I believe it's true.  They don't care about anyone so don't care about the next person she/he stumbles upon because they're not going to care about them either.  They're just incapable.

[Shedd]

I figured it out finally,  they just don't care.  I was listening to a song and it just hit me.  My aunt told me once that was her surviving mechanismg to seduce people and throw them away.  I believe it's true.  They don't care about anyone so don't care about the next person she/he stumbles upon because they're not going to care about them either.  They're just incapable.

[vanx]

It's hard to say for every person, but I do always find myself wondering if she really cared at all. I know when I'm really anxious or depressed, I am self-absorbed in my own immediate needs and have difficulty addressing much else. I imagine similarly, pwBPD spend much of their energy tending to their own wounds. But that doesn't exclude the possibility that someone could simply have negative traits, just by and large my take is pwBPD have psychic damage that makes being considerate under certain circumstances very difficult.
Let me validate your feeling of not being cared about though. I often feel that way too. What makes even less sense is how cared about I felt initially.

[Shedd]

Hey there, 

It also makes it hard because I'm a person who cares, and gives above and beyond so when someone else doesn't I just don't get it... Why pursue something if you don't want it to begin with?

[Skip]

Why pursue something if you don't want it to begin with?

This is a huge assumption; that your ex didn't want it to begin with; even more so to say that everyone with BPD traits didn't want it to begin with. A lot of things get said on the Crises board and a lot of thing are written on the Internet from hurting and confused lovers who have been spurned... .or even pwBPD  trying to explain themselves (as if self-awareness is a BPD trait   ) be mindeful not to get caught up in these myths.

You looked them eye, you are no fool, you know sincerity when you see it.

Might this be a better explanation?

And when you think back, chances are high that you engaged in deep and meaningful sharing. We know that women on the spectrum of BPD can be very candid with their emotions and very encouraging of their love interests to tell them things they never told anyone else.

But in order for you to even more clearly understand the extreme nature of falling in love for romantic partners of BPD, we need to take a look at two behavior patterns that women on the spectrum unconsciously put into use during their initial phase of idealization that can in some cases cause men to fall head over heels in love with them.

The first aspect that can profoundly affect the speed and intensity which men fall in love with a woman on the spectrum of BPD is the way she makes her partner feel about themselves. In order to get her partner to focus obsessively on her needs, a woman on the spectrum of BPD will do whatever it takes to make her partner feel better about themselves than anyone has ever made them feel. This is often accomplished by shows of adoration, idolization and levels of care and kindness that the partner has never experienced before.

The woman on the spectrum of BPD will initially give the kind of love that is only possible to give when there is complete trust in a relationship. The way she accomplishes this without first building trust is by suspending all of her fears and willing herself to believe her partner is 100 percent trustworthy. And by suspending all of her fears she also gets her partner to in turn trust her completely. The end result is what we might describe a feeling of perfect love.

The second aspect that can profoundly affect the intensity and speed of falling in love with a woman on the spectrum of BPD is her ability to initially show exactly what she is thinking and feeling to her partner. We all have walls that we consciously put up in the presence of others. These invisible walls are very necessary for our self-protection. They are the healthy boundaries that we use to keep ourselves emotionally safe until we get to know whether the person we are with is going to accept who we really are without negative judgment.

Because all people ... .
More of this quote here

[vanx]

   Shedd

This sounds like something you really value, and I think it is something you deserve reciprocated and should seek in a partner. I don't know for sure, but maybe your ex had high hopes at first but had a change of heart or anxieties from the disorder took over. I heard it described once as something like "lacking a sense of self and self respect by which to respect others." It often sounds like not malicious intent, but rather emotional immaturity. But I don't know your ex or your story--just repeating some of what I came across.
Whether it was intentional or not, it is of course very painful on the receiving end. A lot of us find it easier to give to others--just make sure you are giving to yourself, especially through healing from this.

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi Shedd,
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I wanted to share my story a little with you. I think Skip’s post is spot on. Let me share some things I’ve experienced.

My exBPDbf is actually BPD/ASPD: he has a lot of traits where he’s extremely focussed on himself and what is good for him. That’s actually not always a bad thing. I wasn’t focussed on myself at all! Which I am a lot more these days.

What we had was very real. Very intense, very comforting. It was the way he made me feel, looked at me. He cared. A lot. Until other things got in the way, in his head. I see now how he can’t deal with those things so had to push me away: discard me. But he did care. He even got a tattoo on his chest of something that’s really meaningfull to the both of us and the r/s we had. He knows it and I know it. Although we work together, we don’t speak anymore. He’s in a new r/s. It’s okay. I know it would not have ever worked between us and I don’t want it to. I deserve more. But I know what we had, I know what it was for me. And now I’ve let it go.

My ex cares a lot about his family and can hang on to people from his past who knew him before things got out of hand so to speak . He once told me he sometimes wished that his mother or sister weren’t here anymore. So he wouldn’t have to worry that something would happen to them or that he will cause them pain:  Scared of the pain it will bring HIM. It’s not that they don’t care, it ’s just that they can’t deal with it. They’re more scared of losing you than to have actually lost you. With my ex when he had lost me (discarding me the first time and then when I broke up with him the last time), it was easier for him because he could move on, and start the cycle again with someone else. If he would’ve stayed he would live in fear of losing me: for him that’s much worse.

With everyone it’s different. But don’t be fooled about what things look like on the outside. My ex is very happy now with his new girlfriend. But I know the traits will appear sooner or later. I don’t envy her. But hey, she’s not me. And I’m not her. In the end we weren’t right for eachother.

It doens’t matter in the end if he cared or not. I cared. Like you cared. So what can you do for you here Shed? 

XOXO 

[Lost-love-mind]

 Shedd

I don't know for sure, but maybe your ex had high hopes at first but had a change of heart or anxieties from the disorder took over. I heard it described once as something like "lacking a sense of self and self respect by which to respect others." It often sounds like not malicious intent, but rather emotional immaturity.

That sums it up as I see my sudden break from my exBPD. She has such a tragic past of a deceased father, exposed to mother's multiple bf's and husbands,[ incl. molestation (?)] and 2 exhubby's with glorification of debauchery and psychedelic drugs .
I told her in post breakup emails that she exhibited traits of a teenager (eg constant texting all day [initially with love bombing],
wearing pigtails at age 45, and multiple tattoos exhibiting gothic macabre from her admitted "hippie days".
Beautiful intellectual woman messed up by her past. And my childhood wounds from a fatherless upbringing, plus other issue with insecurities, all led to a disaster of a r/s.
My post breakup emails probably sealed a secure assumption that she will never try to recycle me. She was p.o'd after my analysis of her (this after she blocked me and accused me of npd) and told my boss in an e-mail she " never, ever" wants anything to do with me. In my mind, she will never admit to her issues and seek help, just more "hosts" to feed off and then blame them.

[Shedd]

They’re more scared of losing you than to have actually lost you.

I always thought that.  That's why I tried to stay and not let her push me away.

She broke up with me, told me to move on.  So I did.  She found out and went to the mental hospital.  I tried to tell her that I would gladly take her back if she wanted to work things out, but she refused.  

We then tried to keep in contact for a while, but she decided we couldn't even be friends anymore, and after that went to the hospital AGAIN.  I shouldn't have said that EVERY BPD doesn't care, but she never validated my feelings ever.  I was always taking care of her.  I loved every second of it even if it hurt me.

Every time I got emotional she broke up with me.  I was really upset one day and cried in her arms and out of the blue she told me she was thinking about men.  

I still loved her.  I still wanted to try.  What's wrong with me?

[vanx]

I feel for you, Shedd. I know what you mean about not getting validated--I expect a lot of us do. I hope at least you know you're not alone. Your story sounds a lot like mine, the hospitalization too. I know for me, I felt strong and loving being able to care for someone else. It comes easier than caring for myself. Does that resonate at all with you too or am I off base?
Being in a relationship with a pwBPD and falling very in love is I believe the most painful experience of my life. I would probably lose it completely if I didn't think it happened to teach me something very important.
How are you holding up day to day? You ask what is wrong with you. Be careful not to beat yourself up. Honestly, my assumption based on myself and what it seems like I get from a lot of people on here is many of us lack self-love and ability to care well for ourselves. I hope I am not off base or assuming too much. I just feel for you and identify with what you write.

[Shedd]

I hope I am not off base or assuming too much. I just feel for you and identify with what you write.

No, you're not off base.  I have a hard time loving myself pretty positive from past history with my step parents.  VERY emotionally abusive over the years.  I think my step dad is narcisistic and had to live with that for a long time.  I think it's caused me to become a masochist maybe why I still loved my ex no matter what she put me through.