He Wants to Get to Know "the Real Me"

[Depression = 72% of members]

My situation is pretty complex (as I am sure many here are!) so I will try to be as brief as possible. My SO was diagnosed BPD about a year ago. This didn't come as a shock to me at all, but he was taken by surprise. Fortunately, he has accepted this diagnosis and has sought out help. He is currently participating in a program called DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy, I think... .). In some ways it seems to be helping. In other ways, it may be doing more harm. At times it seems to be validating his irrational feelings of anger. And believe me, anger is his default emotion.

We had a few months over the summer that were really good and I (foolishly) thought that he was getting better at controlling himself. But literally overnight that all changed, as it always does, and suddenly I am "evil" again and he is angry with me all the time. He has even gone as far as to try to diagnose me with Asperger's (because my adult son has it) to try to explain why he thinks I am insensitive to his feelings (which, believe me, I am not). He has a double-degree in psychology which really does not help matters any because he is VERY good at head games and flipping things back on me.

I am at a further disadvantage because I am physically disabled (I was born with a genetic condition affecting my joints and ligaments) and suffer from chronic pain. It makes it very difficult to persevere and be objective, and I feel he uses this to his advantage at times.

We are currently in a "fight cycle" (my own term) right now because he has informed me that he realized that he has had me on a pedestal all this time (we have been together for 3 1/2 years) and he said that he has been getting angry with me for not living up to his standards and for not being the person he built me up to be. Then, he said that he has to get to know "the real me" and see if he loves this person, and hopefully after a year or so he will know. I don't even know what to do with that. I have never pretended to be someone that I am not, nor presented myself in any way other than what I am.  

I don't know what to do now, and my knee-jerk reaction is to end the relationship so that he won't destroy me a year from now when he decides that he doesn't love the person I actually am.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? And, if so, what was the outcome? Any advice as to how I should handle this?

Thanks!

[Dovesouls]

My situation is pretty complex (as I am sure many here are!) so I will try to be as brief as possible. My SO was diagnosed BPD about a year ago. This didn't come as a shock to me at all, but he was taken by surprise. Fortunately, he has accepted this diagnosis and has sought out help. He is currently participating in a program called DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy, I think... .). In some ways it seems to be helping. In other ways, it may be doing more harm. At times it seems to be validating his irrational feelings of anger. And believe me, anger is his default emotion.

We had a few months over the summer that were really good and I (foolishly) thought that he was getting better at controlling himself. But literally overnight that all changed, as it always does, and suddenly I am "evil" again and he is angry with me all the time. He has even gone as far as to try to diagnose me with Asperger's (because my adult son has it) to try to explain why he thinks I am insensitive to his feelings (which, believe me, I am not). He has a double-degree in psychology which really does not help matters any because he is VERY good at head games and flipping things back on me.

I am at a further disadvantage because I am physically disabled (I was born with a genetic condition affecting my joints and ligaments) and suffer from chronic pain. It makes it very difficult to persevere and be objective, and I feel he uses this to his advantage at times.

We are currently in a "fight cycle" (my own term) right now because he has informed me that he realized that he has had me on a pedestal all this time (we have been together for 3 1/2 years) and he said that he has been getting angry with me for not living up to his standards and for not being the person he built me up to be. Then, he said that he has to get to know "the real me" and see if he loves this person, and hopefully after a year or so he will know. I don't even know what to do with that. I have never pretended to be someone that I am not, nor presented myself in any way other than what I am.  

I don't know what to do now, and my knee-jerk reaction is to end the relationship so that he won't destroy me a year from now when he decides that he doesn't love the person I actually am.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? And, if so, what was the outcome? Any advice as to how I should handle this?

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here. We have been in a similar situation to you.

Why do you assume that he'll leave you in a year? I mean, I understand that given the current dynamics, things look bad. Here's the thing about relationship dynamics though: it only takes one person to change them.

For whatever it's worth, other members whose partners have gone through DBT have said that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better because the partner is having to deal with some very deep issues and is learning new ways to respond. It's a process that is hard and takes time. I'm happy for you that he's going through the therapy.

pwBPD tend to project outward when they are struggling to manage their own feelings. That's why we advise people to try not to take things personally. We know it's hard, but when you start to learn and understand BPD more, it gets easier to do.

Are you in therapy yourself for what you've experienced?

Educate yourself as best you can about BPD. I know your life is difficult now, but knowledge will help you make the right decisions. Please read the articles and workshops - they will give you some good skills at communicating.

Keep writing. Tell us your story - it helps you to get it out and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering.

[Mutt]

Hi Dovesouls,



Id like to join  Meili and welcome you to the family. I'm glad that you've found us, there is hope. I'm also sorry that you're going through difficulties. He has a double degree in psychology, he could be speaking in medical terms, what he's describing is splitting.

We are currently in a "fight cycle" (my own term) right now because he has informed me that he realized that he has had me on a pedestal all this time (we have been together for 3 1/2 years) and he said that he has been getting angry with me for not living up to his standards and for not being the person he built me up to be. Then, he said that he has to get to know "the real me" and see if he loves this person, and hopefully after a year or so he will know. I don't even know what to do with that. I have never pretended to be someone that I am not, nor presented myself in any way other than what I am.

A pwBPD can't see someone as an integrated whole, a good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities. They see you as all good with no faults, when the honeymoon phase is over, slowly they start to see the imperfections, he's saying that hopefully he can work with those imperfections, granted he can also see good qualities and bad qualities at any time, not at the same time.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[Dovesouls]

Thank you Meili and Mutt for your responses. Meili; to answer your question, I went to therapy for a year. I originally went because (I will refer to my SO as "SO" SO told me that there was something wrong with me (he thought I had Asperger's, as previously stated). I thought he was right because we were always fighting and he was very convincing that I was the one with the problem in the relationship. Not that I am perfect, of course... .far from it.

After seeing the therapist for a year he (the therapist) told me that I seem to have handled the things that happened in my life very well and he didn't see any reason I should continue to need individual therapy. He did recommend couples counseling, and my SO and I went to several sessions together. it was at this time that the DBT was recommended. Since SO can't do DBT and couples counseling in tandem (insurance conflict), the couples counseling was put on the back burner.

To add a bit to the onion that is my back story, I have been married twice before. My first husband, whom I was married to for 9 years (and the father of my children) is deceased. My second husband, whom I was married to for 10 years, walked out on me because he couldn't handle my physical disability and it "wasn't fun trying to fix me" anymore (his exact words). So, needless to say, I have my own abandonment issues. When SO tells me he is going to leave, or that there is a possibility of him leaving, I tend to believe him. Not to mention that, to date, he has ended every relationship he has ever been in because the women he dated were all "crazy" (his word... .can I say that here? Feel free to delete it or change the wording if there is a problem. I personally don't like using that word).

I read the thread on splitting, and it certainly does seem that this is what is happening. Thank you, Mutt, for sharing that link with me. It helps to know that this is in fact part of this disorder, and not necessarily unique to our relationship. I still have so much to learn about BPD and its effect on SO and, subsequently, our relationship. But, I feel that I have come to the right place for guidance.

I would welcome any suggestions and recommendations anyone here has to offer. Although I fully accept SO's diagnosis of BPD, it is still difficult to handle. I know that I need to develop a thicker skin and not internalize all of the things he does and says. It is very hard to do that when the verbal abuse surfaces (as it did yesterday, but I can't repeat what was said here) as it sometimes cuts me to the core. But I am learning.

[Meili]

Thank you for the additional information Dovesouls, it really does help us understand what you're going through and where you come from.

We can all relate to how hard it is to not take the words personally. You are definitely not alone on that front. There are several communication tools around here that will help relieve that pressure. The idea is to stop the dysregulation as it is beginning so that it doesn't escalate. If we can do that, many times the conversations never rise to the point where the accusations occur. Or, if it does get that far, to help our SO recenter.

The keys to this are things like stepping out of the Karpman Drama Triangle, learning to listen with empathy, validate and don't be invalidating, and defining and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Sounds simple, right? Well, the part that most of us seem to struggle with (I know that I did!) is maintaining a Wisemind while we are learning to use those skills. It's hard to think clearly when we, ourselves, are emotionally aroused.

[Mutt]

It is very hard to do that when the verbal abuse surfaces (as it did yesterday, but I can't repeat what was said here) as it sometimes cuts me to the core. But I am learning.

I struggled with this too, my ex could say things that as you say cut you to the core. I'd like to add reading about BPD and understanding why your pwBPD act the way that they do does a couple of things a) normalizes the disorder and doesn't feed into internet lore and hyperbole b) you can learn to depersonlize the behaviors, become indifferent to them, you neither like or hate it.

[patientandclear]

For what it's worth, I'd say he is NOT splitting. He is accurately describing, not you, but him--he put you on a pedestal, it was not a realistic view, now he has to learn if he loves the real you. On his side, that is growth--and perhaps, skills and growth from DBT. It's anti-splitting (he is trying to be in messy grey reality).

BUT--you're not wrong. He might not be able to love the real you, or love you well. It's not easy or fun to move from idealized love to reality for the first time. It's not an easy assignment to be the person with whom someone else tries to accept that real love isn't always blissed out feelings. "Hi--I feel ambivalent about you--but that's OK!" It's.a tough assignment all around. I bet YOU have the skills to handle it if you choose to. He may not. It's hard to sit still through "flight" impulses.

There is a risk if you stay, maybe a large risk, that HE cannot successfully complete the assignment of finding out if you two have real love. You have your own abandonment issues and maybe that's too unsafe of a feeling for you to navigate. But his current path with all that uncertainty, isn't a dysfunctional path for the relationship. It's the only one available.