Getting to know me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I have been on this forum for some time and I thought that I was doing well and taking care of myself to the best of my abilities and really trying to improve the relationship as best that I could.

Turns out that I now think that for most of our relationship I have been enabling her to be the person that causes me so much pain through my efforts to avoid pain and to try to fix the relationship and/or her.

-I have removed all consequences for spending and paying of (or not paying) bills from her
-I deliberately go out of my way to avoid emotional conflict
-I am (against my better judgment) consistently rescuing her

I have constructed a family and financial system that allows her to come and go as she pleases, removes consequences of her poor choices regarding vehicle car and operation, and allows her to financially take whatever she wants without having to hold down a job.

I have constructed this to avoid pain and to allow her some space to heal from her wounds some from before I met her, some for the rape (I have doubts) that she endured from a person that she was emotionally involved with while we were married. However all it has netted me is her anger and resentment that she doesn't have a job and that I must want more.

I have exacerbated this problem through an instance of infidelity that though it was wrong in the context of of saving a marriage, it was more wrong of me to allow her back in and though the indiscretion was most likely not going to result in a new relationship, it should have told me that the marriage should be over.

She has been able to sleep on the couch for a year, then in a bedroom that a remodeled for us became hers alone, and then she moved out still with me paying for the majority of the bills. When I asked her to return everything was better for about a month then things slipped and it was back to the distance... .except that she knew if she slept in another room or on the couch we were going to get a divorce.

Somehow it was worse having her next to me and not being able to touch her, worse that whenever I was home or off from work she needed to be someplace else and when I was in an opportunistic situation with an old acquaintance that recently ended her marriage to a depressive we bonded and supported each other emotionally as well as physically but what was most striking was how "normal" it was. It wasn't raging passion, or intense fighting, or anything but calm and respect. It was kind, it was accepting and I was able to listen to someone and be listened to. Yet when it was time to say that it was over to my spouse she all of a sudden tried so hard to keep me, did everything right, and when I was pushed onto another shift from my employer making it impossible for me to get primary custody I caved and gave up on what I wanted and started pursuing her again.

That was over a year ago. Since then she has slipped into her old ways and in addition to that has been using the fact that I did cheat against me any chance that she can and is always trying to insinuate that I am still in contact with the other woman (I went mostly NC with her out of a misplace deference to my spouse except for an apology for how I treated her that I recently sent her) and very recently has been battling heath problems brought on by her anorexia / bulimia combined with stopping her meds for an extended period of time because she was worried with how they would react to the cocaine she was using.

I still haven't directly asked for a divorce. I have stated, repeatedly that she can stay if she wants to but if she is miserable then she can make the choice to go. I have contacted a lawyer, and am waiting for my appointment but by realizing how much that I have enabled her makes me realize that nothing will get better as long as I am here to pick up the pieces.

[Tired_Dad]

So I have been on this forum for some time and I thought that I was doing well and taking care of myself to the best of my abilities and really trying to improve the relationship as best that I could.

Turns out that I now think that for most of our relationship I have been enabling her to be the person that causes me so much pain through my efforts to avoid pain and to try to fix the relationship and/or her.

-I have removed all consequences for spending and paying of (or not paying) bills from her
-I deliberately go out of my way to avoid emotional conflict
-I am (against my better judgment) consistently rescuing her

I have constructed a family and financial system that allows her to come and go as she pleases, removes consequences of her poor choices regarding vehicle car and operation, and allows her to financially take whatever she wants without having to hold down a job.

I have constructed this to avoid pain and to allow her some space to heal from her wounds some from before I met her, some for the rape (I have doubts) that she endured from a person that she was emotionally involved with while we were married. However all it has netted me is her anger and resentment that she doesn't have a job and that I must want more.

I have exacerbated this problem through an instance of infidelity that though it was wrong in the context of of saving a marriage, it was more wrong of me to allow her back in and though the indiscretion was most likely not going to result in a new relationship, it should have told me that the marriage should be over.

She has been able to sleep on the couch for a year, then in a bedroom that a remodeled for us became hers alone, and then she moved out still with me paying for the majority of the bills. When I asked her to return everything was better for about a month then things slipped and it was back to the distance... .except that she knew if she slept in another room or on the couch we were going to get a divorce.

Somehow it was worse having her next to me and not being able to touch her, worse that whenever I was home or off from work she needed to be someplace else and when I was in an opportunistic situation with an old acquaintance that recently ended her marriage to a depressive we bonded and supported each other emotionally as well as physically but what was most striking was how "normal" it was. It wasn't raging passion, or intense fighting, or anything but calm and respect. It was kind, it was accepting and I was able to listen to someone and be listened to. Yet when it was time to say that it was over to my spouse she all of a sudden tried so hard to keep me, did everything right, and when I was pushed onto another shift from my employer making it impossible for me to get primary custody I caved and gave up on what I wanted and started pursuing her again.

That was over a year ago. Since then she has slipped into her old ways and in addition to that has been using the fact that I did cheat against me any chance that she can and is always trying to insinuate that I am still in contact with the other woman (I went mostly NC with her out of a misplace deference to my spouse except for an apology for how I treated her that I recently sent her) and very recently has been battling heath problems brought on by her anorexia / bulimia combined with stopping her meds for an extended period of time because she was worried with how they would react to the cocaine she was using.

I still haven't directly asked for a divorce. I have stated, repeatedly that she can stay if she wants to but if she is miserable then she can make the choice to go. I have contacted a lawyer, and am waiting for my appointment but by realizing how much that I have enabled her makes me realize that nothing will get better as long as I am here to pick up the pieces.

[Mutt]

I have contacted a lawyer, and am waiting for my appointment but byrealizing how much that I have enabled her makes me realize that nothing will get better as long as I am here to pick up the pieces.

Some people never come to this realization. How do you feel about this? Do you feel like it's your fault? Do you feel guilt?

[Tired_Dad]

It's kind of odd how little I feel from it other than "Ah Ha"

I do not feel guilt as I know that I had the best intentions and did not do any intentional harm. I realize how charming that she can be, and how manipulative. That combined with the "regular" type hardships in life led here and though I own it and recognize my part I do not feel guilt over it.

[Mutt]

I really struggled with letting her go, I just wanted her to get help for herself and get better, realizing that she’s not very self aware or interested in therapy that if I removed myself from her network of enablers, it’s one less person and maybe she’ll hit her rock bottom rather than later. I just think that she’s going to need to have her back to the wall  before change happens.

[Tired_Dad]

After watching some of the behaviors of her father, and watching her sister's marriage struggle in a similar way I know that there is nothing that I can do to make it better. I am watching her father be paralyzed with anxiety and a need to be transactional with his emotions to his children, her sister destroy herself with an eating disorder and most definitely BPD though undiagnosed and the impact that his behaviors have had on his children and her sister's on her's makes me realize that I need to end this cycle and to do it for my son.

I no longer feel any responsibility towards her other than that I would to any other human. I feel financially obligated to her currently only because there is a marriage contract that says that I have to. Emotionally I can listen to her, but if even a twinge of anger comes up over something petty or small I shut down. I can't validate it anymore, I can't lie to myself and say that I "hear where she is coming from" or that I acknowledge her reality, it's time to cut things off and to move on while I can still salvage what I can of my own sanity.

[Mutt]

You’re breaking the cycle. All good points