Does my mother really have BPD

[Fatgo]

At age 50 plus I'm new to this world having just been introduced to BPD.  I just read two books and feel like so much of it applies to my mother.    But nothing like a glove.    How can I be sure.   Does it really matter

[HappyChappy]

Hi Fatgo,

I would guess you're a popular age for this forum, so many of us twigged late. If your mother's behaviour resonates with two books then that is a big indication. It will never fit like a glove, because often someone with BPD is co-morbid with something else. Also there are many different types of BPD and its on a spectrum.

I would say an informal diagnoses was very helpful for me, because they do share certain patterns of behaviour that cause unhelpful though patters in those they influence. So especially if you spent you first 16 years with your mom. That helped me chose the right therapy, and understand the world more. In fact I would say it was the single most important learning point of my life, it really did help me.

You may find it easier to just talk about behaviour you never understood. Or behaviour the you struggled with of felt wasn’t right. Because even if you mom isn’t, the learning tools on here help with all relationships. But some key indicators are, poor empathy, an obsession with how they are seen, emotionally needed etc... .  But welcome to the board and I look forward to you telling us more about what brought you here. If you want, otherwise you can always lurk. 

[Alastor]

For me it mattered to know what was going on for a few reasons. First, knowing what I was dealing with made it possible to understand how to approach it and what the long-term prognosis looked like. Second, on a personal level it helped me come to terms with the fact she suffered from a disorder and that I hadn't been imagining it all along. You can literally see the disordered patterns of thinking people with BPD on fMRI brain scans during social judgment experiments - it is very real.

After the psychiatrist first told me to read up on BPD regarding my mother, like many members here, it hit me like a bolt of lightening. Stop Walking on Eggshells and various other books read like it could have been a section out of my diary.

Mental health is tricky, so you can likely never be sure. BPD exists on a spectrum of traits and severity, with influences like culture and individual personality traits thrown in there. Even psychiatrists vary in competence and opinion about things like personality disorders. And PDs are comorbid with a whole host of illnesses like depression.

I guess if you get value out of this community, then it may not matter what your mother suffers from. Likely the more time you spend here, you may start to see some similarities and patterns emerging with others. And frankly, whether caused by BPD or not, often discussing abuse and all the frustration of dealing with unreasonable people can be therapeutic.