My Mother in law has BPD

[TiredbutTrying13]

Hi all,

This is my first time discussing this in this type of forum, or really with a non friend/family member. Basically my Mother in law has BPD and it is a constant stress. I am doing everything I can to deal with it and support my husband. I have educated myself as best I can. I have a BS in Psychology and I grew up in a very close family with an aunt who has BPD. My husband and i have been together for 7 years and married for a little over one. I feel like I have recieved alot of emotional abuse from her and it makes it difficult to not to dread everytime i have to see her. Like i feel at any time she could just get passive agressive and nasty, to down right freak out. Despite my husband and I both being on the same page nearly all of the time as to how wrong her behaviour is (which took time, effort, communicating, and alot of perspective ), it still is a constant stress and i feel like we have to devote so much time to dealing with her. The damage she has caused and all her stunts , even with not seeing her much in person. Trying to deal with her in the most appropriate way as possible is always hard. Weighing healthy boundries with her ultimate retaliation to healthy boundries. To her sheer lack of respect to me unless she wants something from me, usually trying to use me to make my husband do something for her, which never works and then she couldn't be bothered to talk to me. Any time i tried to connect or try with her i regretted it because she found a way to use personal information or insecurities to make me feel bad (never should have tried to be open but this is when we first met, anyway she looks for sensitve spots like a blood hound and uses it cruelly).Nothing i did for her was ever good enough or she would simply credit my husband and not me. I have always been kind to her but reasonably guarded. When my husband has a different opinion or does anything she doesnt like, she blames me. She doesn't believe her son could actually say no or prioritize things other then her and so she projects the disdain on me. She acts like I took her son away. She put him in some really unhealthy situations growing up and used him at a young age as a replacement for a therapist, friend, and partner. Would burden him with her marriage problems and all sorts of innapropriate stuff. We want to start a family soon and she already uses language like MY son MY future grandbaby. She acts jealous of me and vindictive and i am just so done with her . She is manipulative and a visit with her can effect me more then i want. I want to not care. On top of it, I have had my fair share of trauma and was diagnosed with PTSD in college and this triggers alot of additional stress for me. I am doing my best but sometimes  I just do not have anymore energy or compassion to deal with her. I try because i was raised to and i want to for my husband, but it just sucks. My husband has got better at standing up for me , and boy does she get mad. He was the golden child to her and this is just rocking her world that he is putting his foot down. My husbands father is an alcoholic and his much younger sister who is 17 gets caught in the middle of all of it. It is just a lot all the time.

[Kwamina]

Hi TiredbutTrying13

It becomes very clear from your post that you are really struggling with this situation. I am very sorry your MIL's behavior is affecting you so much. Dealing with a BPD in-law can be very challenging indeed. I do think it's very positive that you have been educating yourself about the disorder.

You unfortunately also have had some other serious problems to deal with in your life even leading to PTSD. How is your PTSD situation now? Are you perhaps (still) getting treatment for your PTSD?

Boundaries are essential when dealing with someone who has BPD and also structured communication. You already have quite some experience with BPD because of your BPD aunt. Are you perhaps familiar with communication techniques such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.?

Communication is also very important in the relationship you have with your husband so the two of you can work together in this. It is great that your husband is standing up for you more now, it's nice to get some support. Ultimately though, I think the most important thing is that you stand up for yourself and are able and willing to firmly set and enforce/defend boundaries with your MIL. People with BPD don't necessarily respond well to boundaries, but the important thing is that you show that you will continue to set and enforce/defend your boundaries, no matter what the other person does as boundaries are primarily for protecting yourself and preserving your well-being. The other person does not have to like your boundaries, what matters is that you like your boundaries.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[TiredbutTrying13]

Hi Kwamina,

  Thank you for responding. The insight and validation is appreciated. I had received therapy for 4 years to cope with my PTSD. I no longer see anyone for it. The trauma happened the first year of college, shortly before I met my husband in school.  Through the course of therapy it was focused on helping me manage to contiune on with my education and cope with the trauma over all. Towards the end of my therapy plenty of times other aspects of my life were addressed, especially stressfull aspects. That included my now in laws and my therapist was able to advise me. At the time, BPD was not specifically mentioned when me and my therapist were working on some of these stressors. He focused on alcoholic family dynamic and how my husbands relationship with me was threatening their unhealthy dynamic. At the time a lot of the suggestions were a mix between seperating myself from them because he saw their actions as emotionally abusing. To limit time with them and explaining that anyone brought into this dynamic would be targeted. My PTSD was triggered by many things one being men who were drunk. My response would be outwardly seen as shutting down(being quiet) and looking jumpy. My mother in law saw this and would often times say nasty things or be very passive agressive. When she found out i had survived a certain experience she went on to say had i been stronger physically and more of a loud person, like herself, that no one would have targeted me. She said this with a lot of pity and zero true compassion, understanding, or decorum. She has gone on in the past to make rude and mocking comments when i show any sign of anxiety. I think i have overcome alot and gone on to help others who have been sexually assaulted, but being around my in laws triggers the aspect of my disorder of not knowing what to expect next or that i am in danger feeling. Which i cover very well as years have gone on, i have my coping skills i have learned and i am always working on.  I am familiar with D.E.A.R.M.A.N more then S.E.T. , but i will definitely will look into it more and appreciate the suggestion.

[Kwamina]

Hi again TiredbutTrying13

You experienced something horrible during college. I am very sorry this happened to you and can understand how this could lead to PTSD. I am glad you did get some serious therapy for an extended period of time to help you heal.

Given this background, I can also see how certain types of people and behavior would trigger you now. To quote Pete Walker:
"Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."

The things your MIL said when she found out what you had experienced and the way she said them, are quite hurtful. If she does have BPD, the way she behaved could also be a manifestation of her inability to deal with such difficult topics and emotions and also her inability to empathize, yet still her words were inappropriate and hurtful in my opinion. Your own health is most important here and people that trigger you, possibly even deliberately trigger you, can best be held at a certain distance. Everything you've shared only reinforces my feeling that it's really important to firmly set boundaries with your MIL and be willing and able to enforce/defend them, regardles of what your MIL thinks about this and even regardless of what your husband thinks about this since PTSD really is a serious disorder and protecting your well-being is paramount.

To help you cope with your MIL, I encourage you to take a look at this thread in which several members have shared their experiences and coping strategies:
BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies

Take care

[TiredbutTrying13]

Hi Kwamina,

 Thank you again for your response. We both agreed to taking an active role in pursing further therapy this week actually. It was so helpful in the past and with my mother in laws escalating it def. seems like a worth while tool to enlist again, especially because we want to plan to have kids in the future. Thank you for your compassion and understanding, it is truly appreciated. Self care is always a helpful reminder and something too easly forgotten in stess and chaos. Thank you again.

[Struggles]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I am in a very similar situation with my mother in law.  I'm new to the board so I don't have much advice, but it is nice to know I'm not the only one in the world going through this.  My mother in law also blames me when my husband takes a stand.  The behavior has gotten really bad over the last year.  Just in the last month she has threatened my sister in law, told my husband she was going to stalk me, accused me of having an affair and accused me of drug use.  It hurts so bad to have my name tarnished to others, but thankfully my husband and his family knows me better than to believe any of the lies.  My husband is now no contact with his mother over the verbal abuse.  I hope your situation gets better.  It is a very hard place to be in as a daughter in law, and even harder for our husbands.  He will in time stand up for you better, I think he's a lot like my husband and picks his battles.  Because with someone with BPD everything that is said to them leads to a battle.  Sending lots of prayers your way for your situation!

[LittleBlueTruck]

Ugh, TiredButTrying... .what a mess. You sound like a supportive and wonderful partner and your husband is lucky to have you. Your exact situation is really similar to mine and actually MY sister in law. She is a remarkable and inspirational survivor and it sounds like you are too. Build walls and moat around your hearts. Be as bland and boring and vague as possible in all conversation. Short one sentence replies only when needed and other than that a bland smile. This has been working very very well for my mental health lately.

[TiredbutTrying13]

Hi Struggles,

Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry you are going through this turmoil with your Mother in law too. It is never easy when you get targeted and attacked. My mother in law would and still does try to make up nasty untrue things too. You're right it hurts, though people who know you will and should see through it . In my case people started to look at her funny the more she tried it because once they know you it just makes her look bad . My mother in law still trys but usually with people i barley know or  met once so they don't know me at all. As for those great family members that won't tolerate her talking like that about you or at least not give her any fuel so she sits there complaining with no one feeding into it, i hope that you have ppl like that because you don't deserve it, and it hurts even if its utter garbage talk. Sounds like you have a supportive husband which is great. All best wishes and luck, i know around holidays gets worse so i hope you and your husband are surrounded by people who love and show you respect . You aren't alone, keeping chugging on, seems like you are doing all you can and that is all you can do, just take care of you guys and have healthy boundries .

[TiredbutTrying13]

Hi Little Blue Truck,

Thank you for being so kind and understanding. It feels good to not be alone in this ,though i hate thinking anyone else has to go through this too. I am so truly sorry that you and your sister in law have. I do have a great husband and what gets me through is even though i hate the situation, it makes us stronger in some ways ( if i could have it different i would but try to see it in this light when things get rough). Sometimes it is so hard being the bigger person when you just feel like you can't catch a break ,but at least for me if i couldn't find light in the worse things that have happened to me, they would weigh me down more. I am working on those walls, those none detailed responses,and it is good advice. Hope the best for you and your sister in law, may you be surrounded by love and people who treat you right, and all the strength to deal with anyone who does not fit that criteria.