How I went from zombie to happy-ish in less than 2 months

[fibonacci]

Hello,

A few years ago, a girl friended me on Facebook, co-worker of a friend overseas. I eventually moved to her town (my hometown) early last year. In January, she contacted me and asked me out. We dated for a few weeks, she went cold fast, and then dumped me. My take is she is an inverted narc, and had mistaken me for a narc with whom she could bond, like she had done with her exes. In person, she couldn't "feel it", meaning I wasn't giving her the dopamine and adrenaline kicks she mistook for love. She switched us to "friends and we'll see" saying this is how she got close to a man. After many months of talk of marriage, kids, etc., she finally devalued and dumped.

You know how I felt, it's all over these boards.

When I returned home from our vacation, heartbroken, I went online to find out more about how narc abuse victims behave, as she had told me she had been abused by narcs all her life. Imagine my surprise when, instead of reading what narcs did to her, I found myself reading near-transcripts of what - and I choose these words carefully - I had allowed her to do to me.

So I kept reading. And watching videos. I spent two weeks doing nothing but working (barely) and immersing myself in the vast online content dedicated to Cluster B. It has taken me nearly two months, but I am very close to myself again. I still think about her, of course, but where a few weeks ago it was every minute of every day, now it is a few minutes a few times a day, and dissipating quickly. This immersion in the content was the key to wrapping my head and heart around the experience. I no longer think of her as a romantic partner. I have somewhat dehumanized her, and I am not quite comfortable with that, but in this case, I am going with the end justifies the means. And the end here is making myself whole again.

And, you know, eff her. Behave like a broken sado-robot, be thought of as a broken sado-robot.

I am currently at the tail-end of my rage period. I have erased every trace of her from my life, especially the (in this case) symbolic act of unfriending her on Facebook (where she first targeted me), which felt like I was delivering a loaded backslap to her wretched little face.

They are not victims. They are not ill. They are perps. I will give to them the same quarter she gave to me. Namely, none.

Watch the videos. Read and read and read. Let it mesmerize you. Let it be the methadone that takes the edge off the withdrawal from the adrenaline and dopamine habits. And when you feel somewhat human again, you will find yourself worrying about how you let someone like that in your life. And that's when you start building new things, instead of obsessing about the oasis that turned out to be only a mirage.

[Skip]

We dated for a few weeks, she went cold fast, and then dumped me. My take is she is an inverted narc, and had mistaken me for a narc with whom she could bond, like she had done with her exes. In person, she couldn't "feel it", meaning I wasn't giving her the dopamine and adrenaline kicks she mistook for love. She switched us to "friends and we'll see" saying this is how she got close to a man. After many months of talk of marriage, kids, etc., she finally devalued and dumped.

Did she say she was an inverted narc, had mistaken you for a narc with whom she could bond with and that you weren't giving her the dopamine and adrenaline kicks so she dumped you?

Can you explain this all in less neurobiological terms? What happened? You dated a few weeks, she wasn't feeling it, she dumped you... .then what happened.

[Mutt]

Hi fibonacci,

I no longer think of her as a romantic partner. I have somewhat dehumanized her, and I am not quite comfortable with that, but in this case, I am going with the end justifies the means. And the end here is making myself whole again.

What do mean by dehumanized her? I can understand the concern, I always thought of it was becoming indifferent to the behaviors and not the person.

Do you mean no contact is dehumanizing?

[SuperJew82]

Be glad it only lasted a few weeks... .it does get more challenging when you start piling on years!

I'm glad you are getting your head together. Like I said... .consider yourself lucky. The damage could have been much worse.

[fibonacci]

Did she say she was an inverted narc, had mistaken you for a narc with whom she could bond with and that you weren't giving her the dopamine and adrenaline kicks so she dumped you?

Can you explain this all in less neurobiological terms? What happened? You dated a few weeks, she wasn't feeling it, she dumped you... .then what happened.

After the initial dump, we started talking again. She said she loved me many times, but that she wasn't ready. She said she needed to be friends first. While we were friends, she would send me pictures of homes we could buy together. Tell me we needed to have a baby once we were married. Took her daughters out so she could see how I was with them. The IMs were full of romance and heart emojis. During all this, she would ghost me for days on end, make plans to go out Saturday night and cancel last minute, I would wake up to a stream of rage-filled texts or a phone call of uncontrollable crying and self-pity. Conversations became increasingly hostile and vulgar ("Maybe I'll just find some f*&%boys instead of a relationship". She invited me to spend the weekend with her in her summer house, and one minute she is tender and affectionate, then suddenly she is raging at me over nothing.

In the beginning, she always compared me favorably to her exes - how I treated her so well and they were such stingy, grumpy jerks. I was smart and educated and ambitious and they were uneducated losers. Then suddenly she starts pointing out things about them that I didn't have, didn't do. Suddenly I am the one found wanting.

She said she was a victim of narc abuse - first her family, then her ex husband, then her ex boyfriend.And that last experience convinced her she was stuck in a cycle and wanted to change. I actually believe that bit. But you don't just wish it away. You don't just find a normal guy and make it work.

[fibonacci]

Hi fibonacci,

What do mean by dehumanized her? I can understand the concern, I always thought of it was becoming indifferent to the behaviors and not the person.

Do you mean no contact is dehumanizing?

Thinking of anybody as something other than human is the definition of dehumanizing. Understanding that she does not function as a normal human being is important in letting her go in my mind. But this is also how war crimes and genocides are born - once someone is not human, moral codes no longer apply. And that is dangerous.

[fibonacci]

Be glad it only lasted a few weeks... .it does get more challenging when you start piling on years!

I'm glad you are getting your head together. Like I said... .consider yourself lucky. The damage could have been much worse.

This went as well as it could have. I am surprised I didn't fall for someone like this earlier in life. Not just lucky, blessed. And I am learning many lessons. Thanks!

[Mutt]

Thinking of anybody as something other than human is the definition of dehumanizing.

Interesting. The disorder doesn’t define her as a person. She’s a person that happens to have a PD. She is who she is.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi fibonacci,

Welcome to the board  

Thanks for your post.  It resonated with me regards the content playing a large part in your understanding of what happened in your r/s.  At the same time, take care with what you read.  There are a lot of urban myths out there and I find this site such a blessing as the articles here are based on facts and don't paint an overly negative picture of a pwBPD.  We've all loved someone with BPD and they are suffering themselves a great deal, which is the reason for their behaviours.  Our exes were demonstrating maladaptive coping to their own internal state.  It does not make all of the outward behaviour acceptable, and that's where our own part comes in to the mix, in how much we respect our own values to honour them with clear boundaries from the outset of a r/s.  

I am currently at the tail-end of my rage period.

 

Good on you for recognising this and I'm sure you know that your current thoughts and feelings will alter as you pass through this stage.  It's healthy to get it out there and be with this feeling as part of your healing process.  Try to contain the need to act on these feelings - rather just sit with them, acknowledge them and allow them to move through.

I am surprised I didn't fall for someone like this earlier in life. Not just lucky, blessed. And I am learning many lessons.

Why is this and what do you feel you've learned about yourself if anything at this point?

We're all on this journey together, just at different stages, so can all relate to what you're going through.  Well done on finding ways to get this far.  Perhaps we can give you a helping hand from here.  Keep posting!

Love and light x

  

[fibonacci]

Interesting. The disorder doesn’t define her as a person. She’s a person that happens to have a PD. She is who she is.

How does such a disorder NOT define someone as a person? With all due respect, that makes no sense. This is not a nervous tic, these people can ruin lives.

[fibonacci]

Good on you for recognising this and I'm sure you know that your current thoughts and feelings will alter as you pass through this stage.  It's healthy to get it out there and be with this feeling as part of your healing process.  Try to contain the need to act on these feelings - rather just sit with them, acknowledge them and allow them to move through.

My one and only action is No Contact. She has some things I lent to her, books and such, not even going to bother trying to retrieve them. With any luck, our paths will never cross again, and if they do, I will simply pretend I don't know her and ignore her. I'm frosty about such things.

Why is this and what do you feel you've learned about yourself if anything at this point?

Taking from the Grannon videos, large swaths of People Pleaser Syndrome, especially the emotophobia. And I need to sort this out, figure out how to adjust these to better protect myself. I'm digging into my childhood and my relationships with parents, etc., mostly thing I knew about but had never associated with my behavior patterns. I am figuring out why I behave the way I do, and then deciding which parts of those behavior patterns I wish to keep, and which ones I wish to change.

Recently, I met someone new. I have been very careful, and so has she, she has a bad divorce under her belt. The slow, steady, adult pace has been refreshing. None of the obsession, irrational elation, that feeling that something is off, I just feel good about her. And it is helping further reduce how much I think of my ex, making those memories further fade from my immediate thoughts.

I know I am fortunate. In the universe of such encounters, mine is about as good as it gets, perhaps. But I really posted this to add my voice: educating yourself is IMO the key to healing.

[Hisaccount]

How does such a disorder NOT define someone as a person? With all due respect, that makes no sense. This is not a nervous tic, these people can ruin lives.

I understand what you guys are saying and you are both correct if put in the proper context.

She is sick. Love the person not the disorder. Maybe with the right person and the right treatment she can have a decent, non destructive life. Maybe she is not ready for help or treatment yet.

She is who she is and that sounds like she is someone you don't want to be with. It is not unlike any other failed relationship you have had, you two just don't mesh.
Kind of like a packers fan not wanting to date a Bears fan. It is about what you are willing to deal with.

Personality disorders are a very broad spectrum with people on both ends. You have extremists and moderates.
I was with my BPDx for 10 years, you read on this board often of marriages that have lasted 20+ years. There are most likely many successful relationships out there that we will never hear about because they are out loving life instead of posting here looking for help.

Anyway I am glad you are doing so well. That is great news and not what you hear around here very often. I felt about my ex like you do now, but I have moved on and now that I have healed some I feel sorry for her.
That doesn't mean I am going to let her back into my life. Ever

Take what you have learned, PD or not you know how to spot red flags now. Move on and find someone not like her.

[fibonacci]

Take what you have learned, PD or not you know how to spot red flags now. Move on and find someone not like her.

Thank you. I have educated myself, and I am well aware of the red flags. I think I actually HAVE found someone, and being in a normal relationship has emphasized just how dysfunctional and damaging my PD experience was. (and by "normal", I mean not PD, because we are both anything but normal in many ways, and we are very excited to have found each other. And I compare the warm glow of this excitement to the obsessive, consuming thrill of my PD experience, and realize how sick it felt, even at the time. And this excitement feeds my appetite to enjoy the rest of my life, whereas with my PD ex, I slowly lost interest in EVERYTHING - family, friends, work, reading, TV, even simple tasks like paying bills. But I charged forward to drive 6 hours to spend 2 days with her. And even at the time, I knew there was something wrong - how many times I asked myself aloud "What the heck are you doing? What is wrong with you? You should be walking away. Why aren't you walking away?"