How do I help to ensure that my children don't end up with BPD?

[polaris9]

My uBPDw is now 47 and her condition has worsened over the last 5 years or so.  We have been together for over 25 years and when we first started going out she did not show signs of mental health issues, other than a "bad temper".

Her mother (my MIL) (who passed away about 12 years ago) may have been BPD as well now that I look back at it.  She had several similar traits as my wife, including getting very angry at times.  She was also somewhat delusional and would blatantly lie about things.  She wasn't really a very good mother and wasn't very involved in her children's lives when they were young.  She was (supposedly) epileptic which was caused by head trauma in a car accident - but I am unaware of her ever having any fits.  But I wonder if that was a cover-up or a convenient excuse for having some mental health issues.  The MIL had one sibling - a sister who also appeared to have mental health issues.  And this sister had one son who is now in his 60s who definitely has mental health and substance abuse issues.

How can I help to ensure that my daughters are not also ensnared in this horrible condition?  Especially since my uBPDw insists that she is fine and nothing is wrong with her?

We have a 15d who has an Autism spectrum disorder that is fairly severe.  BPD would be hard to spot given everything else that she has to deal with and it would be hard to say what is BPD vs Autism.

I am more worried about 8d.  She is "normal" for the most part but whenever she has a temper tantrum I am worried that is possibly BPD, like her mother.  I don't think I can really take her for mental health treatment today as mom would find out and freak out.  And I think she is still too young to talk about "mommy's moods" and she has yet to face the brunt of her mother's anger - that has so far only been expressed on others, not on the children.

And thinking farther ahead, as I get older how do I help to ensure that 8d gets the treatment that she needs if she starts to exhibit symptoms of full-blown BPD?  I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her partner, assuming that I am still around when & if she finds a permanent partner, that "You might want to keep an eye on her as she may have BPD - just like mama and grandma"?  If I was that partner I would run away ASAP.

My wife didn't really start to exhibit full-blown symptoms of BPD until she was in her 40s and I will be in my 90s by the time that 8d is in her 40s so I may not be around or may not be in a state to be able to help.

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[pearlsw]

Hi polaris9,

I hear that you have many worries about BPD and predicting the future. It is understandable that you would have such thoughts/concerns. I would like to suggest instead of worrying about so many factors that are so far off, and so out of your control, to consider focusing on the present, and only on the present. You can have larger goals for the future, but working on them in the present is your only chance to have an impact anyway.

Remember, there are no guarantees in life, so let your worries go a bit if/when you can. Please also remember the lessons here on this site are helpful for anyone! I would suggest that you study the lessons carefully and then see what you can model and integrate into your relationships with the kids now in the present. It might improve your relationships with them and show them better ways to communicate that they may pick up. It is even okay to let them know you  are working on being a better communicator and want to practice that with them. Who knows what changes might be possible. But please don't worry about trying to prevent BPD. It is not clear what the origins of BPD are so there is the possibility that nothing you do can make any difference whatsoever. And that is okay too, okay? Just study, do your best and see if you have some improvements. Best wishes with this goal! 

[isilme]

From what I've read, a lot of BPD triggers are learned in toddler years, where lack of permanence and inconsistent affection is first noticeable by a child.  Also, I grew up an only child with 2 BPD parents, and am more along the co-dependent side of the spectrum, not BPD.  It's a bit of a crap shoot which way any child can end up going based on parental "training".  Some learn they can get their way acting out like the BOD parent, some learn their only source of affection is by being perfect at whatever the BPD parent wants at a given time. 

And I think she is still too young to talk about "mommy's moods" and she has yet to face the brunt of her mother's anger - that has so far only been expressed on others, not on the children.

Thre are age-appropriate ways to open this up for discussion.  Just remember that anything said to a child may be repeated badly to your spouse.  I am sure she sees more than you realize, and is at a prime age to see you as pointed black if it suits mommy to do so, creating yet another hurdle for you to face.

I guess your best bet for helping stave off as much of the relationship-damaging behavior at age 8 is make sure your daughter can self-soothe.  That she can understand that her actions have repercussions and other people have feelings too.  That it's not okay to lash out at anyone no matter how angry you are, and that other people have a right to feel hurt if you do.  That she is her own person, and while as a child she needs to listen to her parents, you can encourage her to be her own person as well.  My BPD mother wanted a small clone to live vicariously through. 

Maybe take some time and go over to the boards on here about coping with parents and siblings with BPD - see the stories there, and see how people have managed to cope, maintain relationships, and when needed, gone NC as adults.