For those who are NC - Morbid, but will you attend their funeral?

[isilme]

So, I just turned 40.  I have been NC with my dad since he kicked me out at age 19, and with my mom on and off and finally on for about 8-9 years - say since I was in my early 30s.  Dad is now 73, making Mom about 71.

Dad made it easy in the long run (it was pretty hard at 19, but now NC is not a huge issue).  I think being disowned in writing in triplicate absolves me of pretty much any deathbed visits.  I do not think I will attend anything at all when he finally goes.  I did not attend the funerals for anyone in his immediate family as my grandparents (who both made him the man he is, and sided with him in disowning me while trying to woo me with promises of money at the same time) passed on.  I also avoided the funeral of an aunt who was actually nice to me, but could not be trusted still to not pass on any and everything I ever told her right back to my father.  I did not want to see him at the funeral and have him cause a scene and blame me.  Flowers were sent.  All in all, when he goes, I may have some need to mourn, but am not even sure.  I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I feel like I associate him mostly with fear.  Still. 

Mom.  Sigh.  She's harder.  I was her caretaker, which made the whole NC thing harder to stick to.  She kept me very enmeshed growing up, and even after she "found" me again when Dad kicked me out (they had been divorced 5 years by then, and he had kept her away from me).  I miss the mother I remember from super early childhood before our roles swapped so disproportionately.  Before we traded places to where I was doing more of the mothering and fending for myself.  I feel like a failure as a person for having to go NC to get my head on straight.  For not being able to be strong enough to keep some sort of relationship while not putting up with her BPD baloney.

Complicating things, she moved away to another state.  So when she goes, I face the choice of paying for a plane ticket and lodging to attend a funeral for a woman I know has bad mouthed me for years to her neighbors for not leaving my life to come live with and take care of her forever (seriously, I got a text message from her neighbor to this effect right when we finally went total NC). 

She butt dialed me alst week.  This si what came to my mind (I am terrible, I know).  I don't know what I will do, but want to make a plan now, before emotion takes control of me. 

Is anyone planning on going when their NC parents/family passes away?  Am I terrbile for wanting to just send flowers and stay home to cry?

[Sunfl0wer]

For me, I tend to make these decisions by... .
1. Eliminate the FOG, remove all thoughts of FOG and then look at myself.  What do "I" REALLY desire to do?  

Not... . What do I feel is expected of me by society, them, etc?

2. After deciding what it is I truly want... .then I will add factors that involve other people... .that then involve me.

So for example, my sis and I have been NC for over ten years now.
I truly have no desire to attend her funeral.  I simply don't, it is my truth.
Yet, I would go to her funeral because I do have desire to support her children who ARE in my life in some way.

[Living Life]

My mother's graveside final internment service was planned for 6 months after her death so all my brother's adult children and families could be there. Practically all of us, myself included, live in another state. There was a very simple church service the day after she died for the benefit of her small local family, and a few friends and neighbors. I was present for her passing, the service, and 4 days after to help clean out her house. I really didn't want to do anything further, but for family unity, agreed to the 2nd graveside service. In the meantime, the relationship between my brother and myself totally deteriorated; I was 'thrown under the bus' by he and his wife, my actions twisted in their retelling, our history rewritten, and horrific name calling by him. I was excluded from the final, family only, very elaborate chapel / graveside planning because "I wasn't interested". Since I didn't want to go anyway, and definitely didn't want to have drama with he and his wife, I told them I wouldn't be there. They carried on without me as if I never existed. His adult children were raised with a "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy, so my absence (the only sibling) was never brought up or  explained.

4 months have now passed since the graveside service. I made the absolute correct decision for myself; my closure occurred at her death. I have been in contact with the adult children, and they are supportive. I am NC with my brother. I have had to deal with my mother's rages and crazy blaming, but I don't have to deal with it from him. The SIL is the evil stepmother to the 2 oldest girls; I now really understand what they have been saying about the way they were raised in his house. They tolerate their father, but heartily dislike his wife. I agree. Seeing no solution, I walked away from the relationship with my brother.

Funerals can be displays for the living to show love, respect, and wealth. My uBPDm made our lives miserable as kids, and she continued to rage and be out of control for periods the remainder of her long life. Because he was the oldest and the son, my brother was generally the golden child while I was usually painted black. She was my mother, I respected her for that, but the love was long gone. I was totally uncomfortable with a lavish display of love and affection and religion that was going to be displayed at her internment. The people that matter understand why I wasn't there and support me 100%.

I didn't discover this board and BPD until after all this was over.  I have learned a lot, especially that I didn't cause it, I can't fix it, and it is OK to embrace life without the FOG of BPD. If I had attended her service, it would have been due to an overwhelming sense of obligation and guilt, and fear of what people would say if I wasn't there.

In the end, there was no problem with my not being there. And I avoided all the huge emotional distress I would have had if I had been there. My advice to you is follow your heart. Go or don't go as you feel best for you. My story only shows that for me, not being there was the correct choice.

I wish I had known about BPD years ago, it would have made my life so much easier.

Stay strong ... .live your life with no regrets.

[madeline7]

You said in your post that you feel like a failure for having to go NC to get your head on straight. From my perspective, you are strong and smart and making personal choices that are in your best interest. I am truly impressed and wish I had had the awareness and strength to set better personal and healthy boundaries when I was younger. I am 60 and still dealing with an uBPDm and now subsequent fall out with my siblings. For me, it feels like a huge waste of personal time and energy. You, however, went NC, got your head on straight, and set healthy boundaries.

[Fie]

Hello 

Last summer the only real family I had left, my grandma (not BPD), died. I did not go to her funeral, although I loved her a lot. My grandma was not religious but did not want to be incinerated. She wanted to be buried. Her children did not respect that wish. There was also no real ceremony either. They just went to the graveyard and put grandma's ashes next to grandpa's. But even with a ceremony I would not have attended. I felt guilt for just a moment, when I was deciding not to go. But than I thought... .those people, they already judge me - because of my mum talking bad about me. Why would I go, only for pleasing them ? Why would I deal with the stress of seeing people I don't even like ? My grandma is dead. I am having enough on my plate already.

I did go to see grandma after she died, just to make sure both me and my daughter would 'understand' she was dead. And then we had our own ceremony. We put on candles every night the first week after she passed. And we went out for dinner, just to celebrate she had been in our life for so long.

It's a different case from you and your mum, because your relationship is strained. But if you think it would be good for you, you can have any kind of ceremony you like - or not. It can be anything at all.

In case of people dying who were not good for us, we can have conflicted emotions. For what it's worth, I'd like to tell you that for me, I think I will have strange feelings when my parents (NPD/BPD) will die. I don't think I will feel grieve. So please never feel guilty about that. You are not a bad person. We sometimes grieve the loss of someone while this person is still alive. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us if we don't grieve at the moment they are dying. And to be frank, I think it is perfectly possible that I would feel some relieve, too. Who knows maybe I will feel guilty about that, if it would occur. But now, from a distance, purely theoretically spoken, I don't really see something wrong with that.  So what I mean is, you can even have a ceremony to celebrate that now a huge stress has fallen of your shoulders. There really are no wrong emotions.

Thank you for raising this topic. It's interesting for me to think about what I will do when my parents die.

xx

[isilme]

I guess since I have no full siblings, it makes it both harder and easier.  Mom has one son from a relationship before my dad - we don' really know each other.  He is 10 years older, grew up in another state with his adopted family, and only found me when I was 26 years old (he was 36).  We talk about 2-4 times a year, but his "real" mother is the woman who raised him.  I even avoided disclosing his birth mother's mental health issues until he asked.  I thought maybe she was just like that with me, and it was not my place to ruin any impressions he had of his birth mother.  He asked a few years back if I could "forgive" our mother, and I was like, it's not forgiving, it's just that I can't interact with her.  I either have to be so medium chill I am an ice queen and rude, or I become the enmeshed child she trained me to be, needing to make her happy before I can allow myself any happiness.

So, a funeral would involve maybe this brother... .that's it.  All other family on her side is dead.  I was not even told of their passing because I was still in high school and Dad hid it from me.  There may be some neighbors, who'd not look at me kindly I am sure. 

Dad.  He had two sons with wife #1 (my mother is wife #2, he is now married to wife #3, or at least her credit score).  He literally abandoned them, and had to have his wages garnished to cover their child support.  I have met them a few times, first at age 15.  But we are not close, and we all seem to have agreed that none of us are going to any services. 

I guess I will send flowers for Mom.  I don't want to go to her state, see the old family plot where my grandparents are buried and where mom had bought plots for her and dad before they divorced, and be glared at by the neighbors who never saw her try to egg dad into killing us all, into hitting me, saw her "kill" stop signs while driving under her sleeping pills, cleaned her up after mixing said pills with laxatives, done rescue breathing when she OD'ed on the pills after getting us evicted, or had hot checks written in their names.  I do not and am not having kids, too scared to pass on this family curse, and H is plenty for me to take care of - I can't fathom the energy for children.  I lived my life backward - I took care of people as a child, as an adult, I just want some peace.  I don't want to feel FOGed into going.  I just still have enough of her in my head telling me that is selfish. 

[Turkish]

I've been NC with my mother since talking on the phone last December.  Dropping her off at her property on April 1st, 2016, I thought that was the late last time I'd see her,  at least on this earth. 

I know where she lives now after being kicked off of her property.  I know that she's safe,  insofar as not living in a hoard of filth.  I feel weak not trying to see her. I feel like I'm waiting for The Call.

Though she has a plot next to her parents in Michigan,  I'll respect what she told me years ago: cremation and bury her next to her husband on her property. Though it was on 2003, I can remember close enough. No telling what the status will be of her property by then.  I'll ask if there are new owners.  I only wish my mother hadn't told me the truth about her H. He was gracious to us when I was a teen.  He let us live on his property in a camper.  After he had his stroke and died,  my mom told me he had molested both of his daughters.  He was the closest thing I had to a dad,  but at 13, I had already moved past pining away for a father. The last time I saw him before his severe stroke was when I was 20. I felt something akin to familial love.  My mom told me the truth in my 30s, long after he died. She should never have told me that.  I don't doubt that it was true.

Still, he was kind to us,  and rescued is from being homeless.  Even 15 years after I had moved away,  I wish she had never told me that.  It ruined my view of him.  Damn BPD over sharing.

Even so,  I'll honor her request if I can. 

[isilme]

I think I've been NC long enough, multiple years in both cases, to feel like they are already gone.  I live like an orphan with no family, anyway.  I suppose my largest worry is the impression of others. 

In my head, this is the convo I fear from not only people who don't know the story, but even from those who do:

"What's wrong"
"My mother just died"
"When is the funeral?"
"I don't even know, we've not spoken in about a decade."
"You're some horrible person, aren't you?"

[Meili]

I've been struggling with these very thoughts myself. I have zero desire to see my parents, or siblings for that matter. I stopped talking to most them them almost a year ago. The last group about six months ago. Every now and again, I'll respond to a question, but that's really it. I want nothing to do with my mother.

My maternal grandmother, who is now in her mid 90's is in very poor health and my family has "generously" stripped her of all of her possessions and moved all of the money from her bank accounts in accounts in my parents' names. They have moved her to the state we live in and frequently send me guilt-trip text messages about not going to see her.

So, I've been wondering what I will do when she dies, and when my parents and siblings die. The struggle for me is the same as yours isilme; what will others think?

As far as what my family thinks, I don't really care. I stopped caring about that long ago. But what about others? I've decided that I don't really care. Those that know me will know that I have a reason for not going, or know enough of my history to understand. Those that don't know me that well probably don't actually matter.

The other thing is that I don't owe anyone an explanation. They don't need to know of the decades of abuse and neglect. It's none of their business. My response to the question of when's the funeral would simply be, I don't know. I won't be going because it is too emotional. And, that would be the truth. I am not indifferent to them. I'm still angry, hurt, and annoyed.

Also, for me, I would rather celebrate the life that people live rather than mourn my own loss. So I have that to fall back on as well. I don't believe in funerals, so I won't be attending.

[isilme]

I am not indifferent to them. I'm still angry, hurt, and annoyed.

Yeah.  Even after as long as it's been for me, 2 decades NC with Dad and about 1 decade NC with Mom, there's still a lot inside me that I am struggling to figure out.  I got on this board partly because I finally allowed myself to admit I felt RAGE at how I'd been treated during the overt acts of abuse: beatings, verbal abuse, extreme controlling and isolation.  But the more I am able to remember, and the more I look at things like my friends with their own children, I see that a 5-year-old should not be expected to wake up and get dressed and make her own breakfast and not miss the bus to kindergarten.  The neglect, and covert types of abuse, these days, seems to hurt far more than even the bruises. 

One of the numbers I saved in my phone as Mom's rang the other day - she seems to have butt-dialed me. But I get an icicle of fear when contact with either of them is a possibility.  I am 40 years old.  Why am I so scared about 2 septuagenarians?   He can't throw me anymore.  The most they can do is express displeasure with me, my life, and my decisions.  I know they are crazy.  Why does their opinion still have the ability to sway me?  I live like an orphan whose parents are still breathing.  It would be easier if they'd gone long ago, as terrible as that sounds. 

[Turkish]

Not exactly the same context, but this brings to mind, "let the dead bury the dead."

I'm not into funerals either, I have no plans for mine and I hope no one wastes money on anything, but I've attended to support others, of course.

[Meili]

I live like an orphan whose parents are still breathing.

This is the perfect way to describe my life as well.

I know that, for me, when I ask the very same questions of myself, the only real answer is because my inner child is still terrified of my parents. Does it feel like that might fit for you as well?

[isilme]

Yes.  I am still terrified of their displeasure. They are no longer able to physically hurt me, but the emotional hurt has always been more prevalent, harder to point out, prove, and harder to get past.  I NEED NC to stay in my own head.  I realize this, and while I wish I was stronger, I can admit I am not.  I know none of my half-siblings, none of whom actually ever lived with these "parents" can understand.  I know no one else was in the house when it was me, mom and dad and a cat, with all other people isolated by taboo and distance.  For 15 years I lived in a Karpman Triangle with two people with BPD, both often violent, both emotionally abusive, and for 15 more I struggled with what to do with Mom - could I take care of her as an adult and maintain my own life?  No - she manufactured crisis after crisis - she was evicted, she was in jail, she lost her job, she (claimed but then dropped it suddenly) she was raped... .  She stole my name to put on hot checks, and later, H's mother's name (inexcusable).  Nothing short of dropping my life and moving in to wait on her as I did as a child would suit her.  So I had to go NC.  She is now 71.  I think her father lived to be 90 something.  Alzheimer's runs in her family.  I have no idea at this point if she even is cognizant of who I am.  I just dread the conversation with both my husband and my half-brother stating I do not want to fly to her home state to attend a funeral where I will likely be a pariah.

[Meili]

What are you doing to soothe your inner child?

My T has had me have talks with the 4 yo Meili and let him know that I'm here to take care of him, and to give him mental hugs when things begin to get overwhelming and anxious.

It has helped me so that NC was not so much of a need these days as a life choice.

[isilme]

Meli,

Probably not much soothing.  4-year-old Isilme grew up way too fast, taking on caretaking duties commensurate with growing in height or the ability to use a stool, so I ended up a weird worldly but naive adult who still sleeps with stuffed animals at times.  I'm trying to get back to praying.  And I know I disassociate when I can't take things, distract myself, out up my wall around feelings, until it's "safe" to let them out when I am alone. 

I think the hardest thing, always, is having anyone understand how it feels to live as a BPD orphan, anywhere but here.  Even my H can't really understand it, and so now and then he asks if I plan to contact my mother, ever.  I think for him it stems from guilt about how own parents.  Most of the time, mine being out of the picture makes things like holidays easier to manage.  At least, as far as where we are spending them - his parents are a whole other ball of wax, but at least with their issues, I can see they TRIED. 

[CrazyNoMore]

First - it's not morbid to protect yourself.  It's good to have a plan.

I did not attend either parent's funeral.

I was NC from about a week before my wedding.  I'm sure that requires no further explanation.    

About six years into my marriage, my enSis hunted my husband down through his employment leading to a very awkward conversation with his boss.  Something like, "Your sister-in-law called here."  and my H's first thought was "I don't have a sister-in... .oh."  Seems my father was "failing" and wanted to see me.

First - I wasn't sure whether to believe it or not.  You know, the ol' ":)on't go! It's a trap!"  

I would have gone if I could guarantee that I'd actually be allowed to see him, but all I had was a phone number.  No hospital, no room number, no useful information.  I would have to call and beg for that. That was my uBPDM's M.O.  And even if I was given the information, I could easily envision me showing up at the hospital, and my mother barricading the door and not letting me in unless I (insert unreasonable demand here).  

After a lot of thought and discussion with my husband, I decided to just not respond.  Months later, an obituary clipping arrived at his place of employment with no return address, long after the date of the funeral.  As a general rule, my mother tended to be a train wreck at funerals anyway.  There's no way my attendance would have ended well, and would probably made the whole thing unbearable for others in attendance.  

In my mother's case, I received a letter from an attorney with a copy of the will, which of course I was written out of.  I expected nothing and truth be told, there probably wasn't anything to inherit anyway.  It was however, a little unnerving to see my "disgrace" in super-official sounding legalese, and knowing this was somewhere on file in some public office.  

I cried for about 20 seconds, and honestly, they were tears of relief.  A bunch of other emotions, too, but mostly relief.  

Do whatever you feel will keep you safe.  

[Meili]

isilme, I think that I understand what you're saying. My mother's child rearing philosophy is that her job is done as soon as the child can reach the cereal box and work the washing machine. I had to grow-up much too fast IMHO, and do have a weird world view as a result.

Number 7 in the Survivors' Guide is very important to me. My little Meili survived a lot. I tell him occasionally how proud I am of him. It seems to help and calm him.

I've found that many people just don't quite understand the effects of surviving such a childhood. But, I also remind myself that they have no reference point. I'm glad that they don't. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So, I try not to judge them too harshly for not understanding. Well, until they say things like, "That happened about 40 years ago, it's time to get over it." UGH!

But, when your world view has been skewed so badly, it's hard to "just get over it." It's hard to just let it all go.

Addressing my inner child seems to be the only thing that actually has any real impact in times of distress. Maybe it could help you as well? I struggled with feeling foolish (inner critic speaking there) when I first started to do it. But, it really did help.

[isilme]

Meli,
 I'm glad it worked for you - for me, I don't think I could feel much more than silly.  I had my bouts of anger and even rage that came out as my brain decided I could now handle some of the feelings I'd buried from childhood, and memories with full-on feelings included came flooding back.  I've been working on addressing those, and for the most part, as long as I can think of them in the abstract, can rationalize that both of my parents were just damaged people who I want to believe tried their best, but they were far too messed up for the best to be very good for a child.  It happens.

Yes, I do not relish others having bad parents.  I know a few people and I can see how their parents damaged them, but also see them strive to maintain some sort of tense relationship and feel like I fail because I refuse to do that.  It makes me feel like I have something broken, some tie that is supposed to be there but got cut and I don't feel like knotting it back together.  My friends with more-than "normal" dysfunction in their families addict parents, super manipulative ones, I want to tell them at times they are not beholden to people who can't treat them with even a modicum of love and respect.  But then I wonder if I am just encouraging people to go down my road of NC so I won't be such a freak, a person who walks certain paths alone because others still have family they talk to.

CrazyNoMore,

As of today, my plan will be to send flowers I suppose.  That will make me feel less of a jerk who ignores it, but also less of a target should I actually go - why spend money to go be a whipping girl?   It just sucks how this condition/disease/disorder breaks so many things. 

[linzer79]

I have been NC with my BPD mom for about 16 years, since I was 21. I believe I essentially grieved her death in the early years of NC. I don't think of her often now and do sort of dread her death, but also think I'll feel some relief whenever she does pass... .although I don't know when that will be, she is only 60.

My greatest fear is her showing up at my home... .I live in NC and she lives in VA. It's easy enough to figure out where I live. But I guess if she hasn't done it in all these years, then hopefully she won't.

I lived through years of gaslighting -- while she never physically abused me, the emotional torture of her extreme moods destroyed our relationship. At times she was saccharin sweet and begged me never to leave her side... .other times she was devious and deceptive and would purposely sabotage any efforts I made to gain independence, like telling my boss I did drugs even though I've never touched drugs in my life (mostly because I've always had be an adult from a very young age).

She is a very sad person who is driven by a fear of abandonment. Her father killed himself when she was 19 and I believe she always blamed herself, even though he was an alcoholic and probably abused her. She abused prescription drugs and doctor shopped for most of my childhood. She married a man 20 years her senior (my stepdad) who was bipolar and struggled with his own disease and also verbally abused me.

I have a great life now, wonderful career, great husband and two beautiful children. I want to protect the life that I have created and I cannot do that and have a relationship with my mom. I've grieved that and accepted it. Not going back -- never going back.