He's Been Gone A Month (Coming Back This Week)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey WEW, I'm sorry to hear that things have escalated to the point that you want to hurt yourself, which I consider a crisis of sorts.  Do you have a T with whom you can discuss this development?  Your health and safety come first.  Concerning your last argument with your H, it seems like you were trying to reason with an irrational person, which is unlikely to be productive.  Why you feel out of control is no mystery for those of us who have lived with a person suffering from BPD.  Suggest you do what you need to do in order to protect yourself.

LJ

I had a therapist, but I had to stop seeing her because it was too expensive. I am trying to find a new one that will take my insurance. I realize that is important for me. I just started taking meds for my depression, and that has helped me to function more effectively through this. I need to find my sense of calm that I had before.

[WitzEndWife]

Hey WEW, I'm sorry to hear that things have escalated to the point that you want to hurt yourself, which I consider a crisis of sorts.  Do you have a T with whom you can discuss this development?  Your health and safety come first.  Concerning your last argument with your H, it seems like you were trying to reason with an irrational person, which is unlikely to be productive.  Why you feel out of control is no mystery for those of us who have lived with a person suffering from BPD.  Suggest you do what you need to do in order to protect yourself.

LJ

I had a therapist, but I had to stop seeing her because it was too expensive. I am trying to find a new one that will take my insurance. I realize that is important for me. I just started taking meds for my depression, and that has helped me to function more effectively through this. I need to find my sense of calm that I had before.

[donkey2016]

Hello,

Don't feel overwhelmed by the situation - even if it's a lot. It's weird with the feelings that they bring up in us. Do you have friends and family who can support you? You should maybe consider to have a safety plan - if you don't have one already. I started at one point to reach out to a few friends about the situation and when one of them I have the agreement that I can come anytime if things get out of hand. My "ex" doesn't know where she lives exactly - he's never been to her house.

Maybe you could also try to start a yoga class - it calms you down at the same time you have an excuse for not seeing him once or twice a week. Try to think that you're not helpless and he's not worth that you're hurting yourself.

Donkey2016

[Cat Familiar]

WEW,
You're doing really well to have such a good intellectual overview of your situation. The emotional part will evolve too, but it's really hard when you've been verbally abused.

PwBPD seem to have an uncanny ability to detect weakness and are easily able to exploit it, perhaps in an attempt to make us less of a threat. My ex-husband was a master of that. Fortunately my current BPD husband is much kinder, but when he dysregulates, he may try to put me down, but nowadays it doesn't work very well.

I was bullied a lot when I was a child and doing therapy really helped with those wounds. Nowadays it's really hard to insult me, hurt my feelings or shame me. I think that's because I look at the dynamic of the interpersonal exchange, rather than taking it personally. I think, "Wow, this person is trying to make me feel 'less than'--that sucks. What a jerk!" So I'm not offended; I may think that they're feeling powerless or feeling shame themselves and wanting to project it on me.

It really changes the dynamic when my husband might accuse me of being "selfish" which used to be a reliable trigger for me. I might actually agree with him if I think there was a bit of selfishness in my motivation, and suddenly I've completely disarmed his argument.

[formflier]

 

WEW,

Hey... .look at the money example.  Very curious why you apologized or stayed engaged.

Let him sort out phone numbers and consequences... .he can rage at himself if he wants... .you get to choose for you.

I do realize how hard it is to see someone we love struggling... .and we want to help.

Hang in there.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I think for me, when the initial attack starts, I think, "Okay, he's dysregulating and being a jerk," but he grinds me down. He repeats the attack over and over and over. When we argue about something, he loves to replay the argument over and over, pointing out what I did "wrong." There was a moment of lucidity in our relationship where he recognized that this was a pattern in his family, that both his mother and his aunt would go on and on at him about a mistake. Even when he took his aunt's mountain bike off of a cliff when he was a teen and wound up in the hospital, his aunt was more upset over him making the mistake than she was concerned about his well-being. I explained to him that, in my family, we recognize that mistakes are mistakes, and opportunities to learn, and we move on. For a while, it seemed that he took that to heart, but I guess it feels better to take your anger out on someone.

As for the money incident, I thought that, by apologizing, it would validate him and he would calm down. It didn't work that way. Once he'd calmed a bit, he figured out how to get the money. It wasn't a big deal. I guess I could have walked out of the house when he was raging like that and come back when he was a bit more rational. I need to start doing that again. It seemed to de-escalate things.

[formflier]

You have the theory of this...

Don't apologize for things that you didn't do wrong... .

If you want to be technical... saying sorry is ok... .apology is ownership of issue.

Once he starts in on you... ."If you would like my help, I'll be back after abusive talk is no longer between us"

Notice you are not saying he is doing it... .but you are identifying... clearly... why you are walking away.

Let him sort through this... .alone.

FF