Can't share my feelings or emotions without advice or criticism.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is there a way to tell a partner with SO when you just want them to listen to you and not give you advice or criticism?   

It makes it very hard to open up about what's bugging me (and not just about them) because the comments often seem to be more about criticism to how I act or feel (or how someone else I'm close to acts and feels) and it doesn't feel supportive, it just feels like they're using the time to get something off their chest about me or people I know.   

Sometimes you just want someone to listen.   

[mssalty]

Is there a way to tell a partner with SO when you just want them to listen to you and not give you advice or criticism?   

It makes it very hard to open up about what's bugging me (and not just about them) because the comments often seem to be more about criticism to how I act or feel (or how someone else I'm close to acts and feels) and it doesn't feel supportive, it just feels like they're using the time to get something off their chest about me or people I know.   

Sometimes you just want someone to listen.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Ahhh... .the age old questions from women through the ages. Seriously. It's a man thing. Men are people of action. When women tell men about their problems they want to come up to solutions, when us women, just want to share. The average wife can easily tell her husband that she doesn't need advice, but for those of us in a relationship with someone with BPD, saying that to them would trigger rejection.

I would suggest using SET or DEARMAN. One of the biggest ways to say things that our pwBPD might now want to hear is to validate, validate, validate. If you can validate his feelings before you share your own it might go over better.

As an example:
I really appreciate you wanting to help me and I respect that you have great advice to give. Right now though, I just want to share my feelings about the situation. Could you just listen for a little bit and when I'm ready to get advice about it, I'll come to you first?

Do you think this is something you could do? Can you write out an example of what you could say right here and we can help you with it?

[Lakebreeze]

This can be particularly tricky when dealing with a BPD because what you are looking for is empathy and validation... .both of which can be almost impossible for a BPD to give. During my first 6months of marriage to my BPDh I can distinctly remember having that discussion... "when I tell you I feel worried, anxious (I was pregnant at the time) I need you to simply acknowledge how I feel." I was very very specific about ways he could validate my feelings.obviously I didn't realize what I was dealing with. His answer was that if I had any faith at all in God I would not be worried or anxious and that it would be morally wrong for him to validate those wrong feelings. "I'm sorry, I will never do or say something that I know is wrong for anybody."
So... .6 years later still married but if I need someone to listen or validate my feelings or have any empathy for me, I call someone who is capable of it.
I know BPD is a spectrum and some BPDs probably can listen and empathize and others can probably learn. But I know from experience that some cannot.

[Radcliff]

mssalty, I was thinking "This is a guy thing," and then I scrolled down to see Tattered Heart had already called it.  I have read about this as a guy thing, and definitely find it to be true in my life.  We are in fact wired for action.  I have learned that sometimes I need to just listen, and not give advice, but I'm a bit of a slow learner, so it took a bit of patience on my wife's part to get me to this point.  I've found it really helps in my relationship with her, though.

I liked TH's suggestion to use DEARMAN.  Here's a link:

https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/using-d-e-a-r-m-a-n-to-get-what-you-want

Part of it is reinforcement, positive reinforcement, which is a favorite with us guys.  We need lots of it.  Lakebreeze's conservative outlook is warranted, though.  You might have a tough road, and might want to diversify your sources of support a bit.  But it's totally natural to want most of that support to come from your husband.  Take the long view.  Gently, slowly, over time, keep working at it and don't give up!  You might want to try "behavior shaping," where you positively reinforce even a small step towards the ultimate goal behavior.  For example, you might listen intently to all the advice without objecting, then make a move to get a short amount of time to share your feelings, and give thanks/praise if that goes well.  Try to progressively shorten the advice over a series of encounters using some deflections like TH has mentioned, and eventually you may get to the point where your feelings come first, literally and figuratively, and then advice afterward, or perhaps you'll hit the day when you just share feelings with no advice/criticism.  Anytime he gets closer to the goal, you want him to think ("Wow, I'm brilliant, *that* worked out well, I want to do that again!"

This could take a long time.  Progress may not be consistent, and things may backslide.  Keep at it!

[Chosen]

I haven't been on here for a long time but am coming back to have a refresher on the lessons due to difficulties in my marriage lately. 

His answer was that if I had any faith at all in God I would not be worried or anxious and that it would be morally wrong for him to validate those wrong feelings. "I'm sorry, I will never do or say something that I know is wrong for anybody."
So... .6 years later still married but if I need someone to listen or validate my feelings or have any empathy for me, I call someone who is capable of it.

My experience is so similar!  I can probably count on uBPDh to console me on his good days, but if I want to say something without him judging me, it will not happen.  I have learnt that if I don't want my feelings to be judged, don't speak to him about it, or at least don't be so specific.  I'd just be like "I'm feeling a bit down today" then he has nothing to judge me for.

My advice is, if you just want to vent out your feelings, it's probably not the wisest to vent it to a man, especially one with BPD inclination.  Or, you have to first get yourself to a point in which you are calmer and can accept his advice or criticism (even if you don't take his advice in the end) without arguing before you talk to him.  Otherwise you're at risk of feeling even worse than you did before talking to him.