Not sure what to do but I know what I want to do

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My divorce is not final. The divorce settlement papers have been drawn up according to what was agreed to in mediation. The papers are with her attorney waiting for her to sign.  This has dragged out so long. She could hold out signing in which case my attorney would file a Motion to Compel a Settlement Agreement. I hope it does not come to that.

It feels like my life is being held hostage by this divorce process. The settlement allows her to live in the house for a year and I have to pay her transitional alimony for that year. I have the right to go and do work on the house with a 48 hour notice to her. I get the house when the year is up.

When the papers get signed by her and then a judge signs the final decree her and I will still have some contact throughout the year.

I said all that to say this... .I want to start dating, not serious just going out and enjoying my self with someone. I am ok emotionally. I understand what I did in this marriage to enable some of her behaviors. I understand what I did in the beginning of the relationship to set a bad foundation for everything that followed.

It seems though that the easiest way to meet someone is on a dating site. I try to be involved with social gatherings but aside from work I go to church (slim pickins) I started taking martial arts class again, going to the gym. I spend time with my kids when I can ( grown). It leaves few opportunities to meet someone to ask them out.

I have not paid for a subscription yet to match. I have viewed several profiles and there are some that have peaked my interest.

I am asking for advice. Has anyone began dating and then it backfires on you (not the person you are dating) but the STBX causes problems?  Stalls the divorce etc... .?

[byfaith]

My divorce is not final. The divorce settlement papers have been drawn up according to what was agreed to in mediation. The papers are with her attorney waiting for her to sign.  This has dragged out so long. She could hold out signing in which case my attorney would file a Motion to Compel a Settlement Agreement. I hope it does not come to that.

It feels like my life is being held hostage by this divorce process. The settlement allows her to live in the house for a year and I have to pay her transitional alimony for that year. I have the right to go and do work on the house with a 48 hour notice to her. I get the house when the year is up.

When the papers get signed by her and then a judge signs the final decree her and I will still have some contact throughout the year.

I said all that to say this... .I want to start dating, not serious just going out and enjoying my self with someone. I am ok emotionally. I understand what I did in this marriage to enable some of her behaviors. I understand what I did in the beginning of the relationship to set a bad foundation for everything that followed.

It seems though that the easiest way to meet someone is on a dating site. I try to be involved with social gatherings but aside from work I go to church (slim pickins) I started taking martial arts class again, going to the gym. I spend time with my kids when I can ( grown). It leaves few opportunities to meet someone to ask them out.

I have not paid for a subscription yet to match. I have viewed several profiles and there are some that have peaked my interest.

I am asking for advice. Has anyone began dating and then it backfires on you (not the person you are dating) but the STBX causes problems?  Stalls the divorce etc... .?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey byfaith, I am uncertain how long you have been separated but, in my view, it's normal at some point to be interested in dating someone new prior to the final divorce decree.  I would suggest a few guidelines: let the person you are dating know that your divorce has yet to be finalized; if your new friend is OK with your status, then I don't see a problem.  Also, be discrete: keep your dating life separate from that of your STBx.  To answer your question, Yes, I began dating before my divorce was finalized and, No, it didn't backfire on me.

LuckyJim

[confusedbloke]

I completely agree with lucky Jim. If you're up front and honest about your situation and she respects you and waits for things to be resolved, without stress or hassle, then that's a good woman.

I would however suggest not to rely on dating sites. Do different things. Dont think about trying to replace... .it don't work. I would say tho flirt with women... .be happy and smily and kind and before you know it, you have a different circle of friends who care about you... .believe me... .i know, with what ive been through... .get out of your comfort zone and try something you would only dream of. It's not as hard as you think 

[Lost-love-mind]

Work on yourself and why you need to date so quickly.
I waited too long to start dating, but now realize it was in partial response to validate myself by seeking someone else. My ex wife remarried within a year of meeting her new husband.
With minor children I had a background check done in him. His FB public photos had pics with multiple women during football tailgates. Every other pic showed home with alcohol in his hand.
I warned her since I am a recovering alcoholic that broke up our marriage with excessive drinking.
Good luck to my ex wife. She had minor characteristics of BPD.
Good luck to you in dating. If you are young (age is relative) take your time.