All four horsemen of the Apocalypse

[Perseverant]

I just read the article on this site titled Is Your Relationship Breaking Down. Wow. Insight galore in that article. It describes four main factors, or predictors, of relationship breakdown, which it refers to as the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

The first is unresolved conflict, which progresses to contempt and finally stonewalling. I find that all four are present in my relationship with my uBPDh. (I'm new here, but I assume I using the right abbreviation for undiagnosed BPD husband.) For the record, I'm the one feeling contempt and doing the stonewalling, after, in my view, too many years of not being able to count on him for emotional support and putting up with his mood swings and disastrous choices.

So, the main reason for this post is to ask this question: if unresolved conflict is the seed of breakdown, how do I resolve the conflict? Namely, what is unresolved for me is his refusal/inability to acknowledge reality. In other words, conflict happens within the context of a set of facts, but he denies or, more often, revises the facts. Hence, unresolved conflict. Hence, my perpetual frustration, leading to contempt (how can you not have contempt for a grown man who denies outright facts?).

One example: last year, out of the blue, my 6 year old cat began showing symptoms of stroke. This began when I was out of the house. I returned to find my husband holding a moaning cat and telling me "this just started... .I don't know why." Now, the cat is a bone of contention. My husband doesn't like or want her. I refuse to live without having cats, as I have always had one since before birth. When I walked in on this particular situation, my mind immediately whispered " he kicked her or something." But, I had an ailing cat on my hands and wanted to get her help right away. I told him I was going to take her to the emergency vet, as it was evening. He would not let me. We argued for TWO HOURS while my cat's eyes rolled back in her head and she moaned and drooled. I was in the basement with her, and H blocked my path to the stairs whenever I tried to leave.  Ultimately, I left without the cat, just needing to get space away from him to figure out what to do. H sat on the couch and glared at me as I prepared to leave, telling me he didn't trust me. Trust me about what, you ask? During the course of this marathon argument, I threatened to call the police. Which is probably why he didn't want me to leave the basement. No cell signal, no cops.

Anyhow, I left to go to the grocery store. I just needed out and desperately wanted to figure out how to get my cat some help. When I returned home, H seemed wiped out and basically said "do what you need to do." What the heck? After hours of yelling and wrangling and insanity, now I'm allowed to take my barely conscious cat for help? Whatever. I took her in, spent five hours at the vet, and spent the next week shuttling her between specialists for various tests.

Fast forward to when I brought the cat home a week later. H looked surprised and said, "where'd she come from?" I looked a question at him and said "she pulled through, thank God." To which he said "you're welcome." "What does that mean?" I asked. "I told you to do what you needed to do." At that point, I was so utterly blown away by his excision of most of the relevant events that I had nothing more to say.

Thus, unresolved conflict. This is one example. The future probably holds more in store. How do I avoid it? Get past it? Defuse it? Can I? I'm struggling to understand what power I can wield to change the sick dynamic.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

So, the main reason for this post is to ask this question: if unresolved conflict is the seed of breakdown, how do I resolve the conflict? Namely, what is unresolved for me is his refusal/inability to acknowledge reality. In other words, conflict happens within the context of a set of facts, but he denies or, more often, revises the facts. Hence, unresolved conflict. Hence, my perpetual frustration, leading to contempt (how can you not have contempt for a grown man who denies outright facts?).

I think the first step to helping you resolve the issue of reality vs. his perception is to come to a place of Radical Acceptance for YOURSELF. Your pwBPD has a mental illness that does not allow him to perceive reality the way most people do.

Going back to your original question though, it does take coming to place of accepting that with your H feelings=facts. THat's the way it is. There is no changing him. And you cannot begin to get him to start seeing the real facts until you can get past the feelings. The communication tools are a big help in learning how to get through the feelings.

As for your cat story, even though your H doesn't like the cat, he felt scared. He felt worried for you. He didn't know what to do. He was in a situation that was out of his control and he didn't know how to handle it. And like many with BPD when things are out of control, they lash out at others.

If the topic comes up again, you may want to validate what he was going through during that time. It might look something like this:

H: brings up topic of cat
You: "Was it scary for you when you found the cat lying there? I would have been scared.
H: (hopefully responds in the affirmative)
You: I'm really glad you were there to be with the cat until I got home. Thank you. I hate that day got so heated. I'm sorry for (then apologize for what you did wrong).

He may or may not apologize for his end of things. But he now knows that you saw him and that he was trying. He may feel like you still blame him for your cat being sick and by your apologizing you are letting him know that it wasn't all his fault. Us nons are a part of the conflict too.

Do you think that's something you could do? Could you practice a conversation here with us?

[once removed]

i see two separate issues. the first is the difference in perspective, the disagreement about facts/reality. as Tattered Heart mentions, Radical Acceptance is key here.

we have a lot of tools here on Surviving Confrontation and Disrespect. id say your husband blocking your exit to the house falls in that category.

in particular, these are tools for situations where emotions are heightened and limit setting may come into play:

TOOLS: Balanced Responses and Better Outcomes for Crisis
Emotional dysregulation has a way of blindsiding you, catching you by surprise and leaving you reacting in negative, rather than positive ways. Your frustration and resentment can quickly boil over. Few of us are prepared, yet it is in these situations that we most need to have a quick, automatic response to cope... .read on.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168004.msg11986938#msg11986938

and this explores circular arguments, how to spot them, and how to defuse them.

TOOLS: How to stop a circular argument
It's happening again. The argument that just doesn't make sense  ? It can go on for hours, with them blaming you, criticizing you, attacking you, cornering you, lecturing you - essentially going on and on and on about how wrong/bad/cold/thoughtless/stupid you are. Being on the receiving end of one of these destroys your self esteem and inflicts major damage on the relationship. How do you stop them? read on
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

[Perseverant]

These are excellent resources that I am beginning to delve in to. It's a lot to chew on, so I'll take some time with it before practicing a conversation here.

Thank you. I think I am very much in the right place on this board/site. I just want to mitigate the insanity (I know I can't stop it), and the tools/support I am finding here are giving me something to work with.

[Radcliff]

Hello Perseverent, welcome!

I have had cats since birth as well.  Those sorts of emergencies are awful under the best circumstances, and I can imagine how horrible it must have been for you to be stuck in the basement unable to get your cat to help.

We don't know your back story well yet, but interfering with aid for a pet, blocking someone from leaving a room, and interfering with someone's desire to call the police are potential red flags.  What was it that made you feel like calling the police was something you might need to do?  Have there been any other times when your husband exhibited possible "red flag" behavior?  With BPD, a lot happens that is "simply" crazymaking and upsetting, but sometimes things cross into more serious territory and in a long term relationship especially this behavior can get normalized and it can be hard to recognize the problem from the inside.  From what you've written, I can't tell either way, so let us know what your thoughts are on this.

I'm glad you're finding the resources helpful.  This is indeed a good place.  I see that you have already started reading and replying on others' threads!  This is a community, and every member makes it stronger!

Wentworth