He has taken over my coffee creamer

[Tattered Heart]

This is a light hearted post. No real issues, well, he is messing with my coffee creamer, but no major issues.   

My H drinks his coffee black. I drink mine with heavy cream and lots of sugar. He has always told me that he does not like cream in his coffee. It has been this way for 13 years. Until the last 2 weeks. Suddenly he takes his coffee with creamer. It's weird, but I get the impression that its one of 2 things going on:

1) He is trying to subtly control me.
2) He is trying to be like me.

I almost get the impression that he wants to try to rile me up by using up my creamer. This morning there wasn't enough for me to use. This is the 2nd week in a row that he hasn't left me enough for Thursday and Friday morning. I'm trying not to give it too much attention just in case it is a control thing.

On the other hand there have been times in the past when he just starts to do the things I do. He will start using words that I use, mannerisms of mine, or little things like that. If that's the case then I know it has to do with his lack of sense of self. I think he has felt disconnected from me lately, especially this week after painting me black, so doing the things I do is his attempt at getting me to "like" him again. After all, if he is like me then I have to like him because I like myself. (That't a lot of likeing).

Either way, it's just something I'm watching. Of course he is welcome to the creamer. It's in the fridge and we don't have a "mine" and "his".  I'll just make it a non-issue and buy an extra creamer every week so I'll be sure to have enough.

Any thoughts on this behavior? Anyone else have any similar type stories and what did you do about it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Or, maybe he has decided that you are right and coffee tastes better with cream?

[Tattered Heart]

Well my creamer does rival Starbucks 

[once removed]

Or, maybe he has decided that you are right and coffee tastes better with cream?

its a possibility. i went many years where i wouldnt touch coffee without creamer and couldnt imagine why anyone else would. i fell into the habit of drinking it black and now usually cant be bothered to chase for creamer.

im big on sharing, but i also find i get resentful when it breaks up my routine in anyway, so i think your approach (trying to see his perspective, and simply getting an extra creamer) is a mature one.

[bananas2]

Oh TH, you DO have the best subject lines! "Shrimp validation" and now creamer thievery! 
Thanks for the laughs!

Seriously though, I would imagine that you are on the money with this being a lack of sense of self. It's a void in a pwBPD that needs to be filled. I imagine it's a form of self-soothing.

I've definitely encountered this with my BPDh, but it was more frequent in the earlier "adoration" stage of our r/s. I'm a movie buff, suddenly he is too! I like wine, suddenly he likes wine. I think with age, he's attained more of a sense of self, but I still sometimes witness him taking on other's traits, especially ppl he feels close to. I've learned not to address the small things anymore, but I keep an eye on anything potentially harmful, for instance, when he began adopting a relative's gambling addiction trait.   Obviously, I had to address that one immediately.

So, I'd say it's a good idea, like you mentioned, to just keep a watchful eye and see if anything larger develops. But then again, like Meili said, maybe he just realized now that coffee is better with cream. It is! 

[Radcliff]

Actually, TH and Moxie I don't think this has to do with BPD at all.  I believe you are looking at the male learning curve.  It is, as you might imagine, slower than the female's.  It typically takes 10-15 years of marriage for a man to realize that it's better to start doing things the way his wife likes them.

Someone could probably do a study of husbands evolving out of their primordial soup:  "husband realizes he should side with his wife instead of his mother"... ."husband realizes he should take his coffee the same way his wife does," etc.

Hmmm... .23 years in, and I *still* don't drink coffee.  That's the problem!  Thanks, TH!

Wentworth

[Tattered Heart]

Actually, TH and Moxie I don't think this has to do with BPD at all.  I believe you are looking at the male learning curve.  It is, as you might imagine, slower than the female's.  It typically takes 10-15 years of marriage for a man to realize that it's better to start doing things the way his wife likes them.

Hahahaha

[I_Am_The_Fire]

This is really interesting. Towards the end of my twenty year marriage, I had noticed this type of thing more and more with him. When I started a blog, he started a blog. When I went to a work-related conference, he went to the classes as well even though we have different careers. He would friend everyone I know on FB even my co-workers that I wasn't friends with on FB. He tried to get a job where I work doing what I do. He tried to learn my career. He started to drink the same things as me, such as beer and coffee. In the twenty years I had known him he made it very clear to everyone repeatedly that he couldn't stand beer or coffee. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, all of a sudden he claimed he must have PTSD too and he wanted to do EMDR like me. Three different therapists told him he did not have PTSD.

After the divorce, when I got a new car (my old one had been totaled) he traded in his brand new truck for the exact same car (year, model, make) I had in the color he assumed I had gotten. That one freaked me out a bit. Why the hell does he want matching cars especially when our divorce was extremely high conflict?

I agree with the idea that maybe it has to do with lack of sense of self. When I noticed it more and more, it felt really odd to me. It felt like he was trying to become me or something like that. It felt disturbing. Still does.

[bananas2]

I believe you are looking at the male learning curve.  It is, as you might imagine, slower than the female's. It typically takes 10-15 years of marriage for a man to realize that it's better to start doing things the way his wife likes them.

BB,
Can you guys please speed up the learning curve a bit? I've only been with hub for 6 years. I don't think I can wait another 4-9 years! 

After the divorce, when I got a new car (my old one had been totaled) he traded in his brand new truck for the exact same car (year, model, make) I had in the color he assumed I had gotten. That one freaked me out a bit. Why the hell does he want matching cars especially when our divorce was extremely high conflict?

My nonBPDex did the exact same thing, and our breakup was also high-conflict. Although I think this was just a way for my ex to feel closer to me and cope with the loss. And, yes, it freaked me out too!

[Meili]

BB,
Can you guys please speed up the learning curve a bit? I've only been with hub for 6 years. I don't think I can wait another 4-9 years! 

We've tried. But, it takes us that long to figure out what the women are thinking so that we can understand how to do things better. 

[Skip]

1) He is trying to subtly control me.
2) He is trying to be like me.

I agree with the idea that maybe it has to do with lack of sense of self. When I noticed it more and more, it felt really odd to me. It felt like he was trying to become me or something like that. It felt disturbing. Still does.

Hard to read this a "control". Even harder to see it as a "lack of self" (this is not what sense of self means). We are all here learning complex psychology and human nature and a big part of doing well with that is being able to separate trivia from issues.

I like Rex Tillerson's quote Wednesday, "I’m just – I’m not going to deal with petty stuff like that. I mean, this is what I don’t understand about Washington. Again, I’m not from this place, but the places I come from, we don’t deal with that kind of petty nonsense. And it is intended to do nothing but divide people. And I’m just not going to be part of this effort to divide... ."   

In every relationship I have been in, I've adopted some food habits of my partner. Why? Because I'm a flexible eater. THree neighbor on the street copy my landscapinng - why? They like it. Sometimes things go no deeper that that.   

[foggydew]

My uBPD friend and I pick up things from each other. I enjoy the input of new ideas he gives me; it enrichens my life, and doing and liking the same things gives us something in common. He picks up mannerisms from me and sometimes even borrows clothes. I was a bit surprised once to find him wearing my nightshirt when we were out - he said it was because it was longer than normal t shirts. Yes, it may well have something to do with identity - or perhaps 'belonging'. I know I need this feeling, although I am otherwise fiercely independent. Although he also has a control need, I don't feel it in this way - this feels pleasant and friendly, accepting, if sometimes a bit over the top.