How long until they started changing/devaluing you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just wondering how long it took your exBPD partners moving out of the idealizing mode? Mine started to change around the 6-month mark. I think moving in together accelerated things. The whole relationship was super-accelerated now that my head is clear and I can reflect back on everything.

I have no idea why I didn't put on the breaks to slow things down. I guess I really wanted to believe in something that was too good to be true.

[SuperJew82]

Just wondering how long it took your exBPD partners moving out of the idealizing mode? Mine started to change around the 6-month mark. I think moving in together accelerated things. The whole relationship was super-accelerated now that my head is clear and I can reflect back on everything.

I have no idea why I didn't put on the breaks to slow things down. I guess I really wanted to believe in something that was too good to be true.

[Turkish]

For me,  moving in after about 3 months of dating,  maybe less,  and only four months of "friend-dating" wasn't a good idea.  

"I don't understand why you don't want to move in,  don't you love me?" Much tears.

The devaluation wasn't a single event.  It was just the feeling that I often couldn't do anything right.  I doubted myself,  despite having lived on my own for 18 years before meeting her,  and had started working for a Fortune 500 tech company the same year she was still a 10 year old girl running around on the farm barefoot on her home country.  

Even while splitting up,  she struggled.  She wrote in her journal,  left on the shelf in the bathroom,  "Turkish is everything a woman could want in a man.  But I still don't love him."

A pwBPD is like an "abused child all grown up, " as Dr. Craig Childress puts it.  In most cases,  they will look for that which they lacked, but not having experienced secure love,  insecurity prevails.

In the '70s, Erin Pizzey conducted a study of abused women.  She found that those who grew up in violent households tended to choose violent relationships.  My ex grew up on such a household (about 60%).  Both relationships either side of ours were violent and involved cops and restraining orders.  My point is that people feel comfortable with what they know,  no matter how dysfunctional. Idealization works,  but devaluation takes over eventually.  As the child of a borderline mother,  I received both.  That was likely how my mother was raised,  though she was an angel compared to her dad.  

I get that my ex wants to be better,  but the same patterns emerged with her husband.  My ex laments, "I learned this from my parents!" She tries,  at least,  but these wounds run deep.  

[steelwork]

I don't know when it started. He kept a lot of anger and resentment pent up--I learned that later. About a year in, I stumbled on a blog he'd started and (he said) forgotten to make private, and I was portrayed in a very ugly light, though in our interactions he was still trying to win me over. Proposing marriage, even.

In short: can we ever really know WHEN it happens if there is no honest communication?

[Hisaccount]

It was about 6 months for me.
She stopped giving any effort at that point.

There were good times after that but it was all down hill.

I am not sure how to gauge it though. At that time there was a 3rd party that was trying to influence her to leave me and go out with him.

Like Steelwork said, There is not telling what battles they were really fighting in their head and when they started.

[vanx]

Only about a month for me. Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with me to trigger it so soon--don't know. I got upset by this bartender making eyes at her right in front of me and it was nails in the coffin.

[happendtome]

It was 5-6 months for me, but maybe it was also my fault. I may saw it was going too fast and i hit the brakes. After that it was painful. Yes, there were still good times, but very stressful.
In some ways i find that my ex is lost. Totally. I would like to help her, but i dont know how and thats why i commited to LC/NC. It seemed that whatever i would say would make things just worse, so i decided not to contact her. I pity her, but theres nothing i can do. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

[Lost-love-mind]

8 weeks in and the excuses started. This after a blazay date night on a Sat.
Many know my story - " I'm tired = no".
I left but the insecure little boy in me (thanks therapy) emailed her and asked what was wrong and I'm glad we are delaying our physical relationship.
Before that she had mirrored the good Christian girl act.

I'm tired of thinking about the breakup?
 My mistake led to it? My piety led to it?
Or
Logically,
She had issues with intimacy after a bad marriage ?

[soonbefree]

Mine about 3.5 months of 9 months relationship.

[vortex of confusion]

That is an interesting question as the only defining event that seemed to change everything was our marriage. I think we married after about a year and a half of dating. That was 20 years ago. Before we got married, he made all kinds of efforts. I joke that it feels like the minute I said "I do" he said, "I don't."

After we got married, it was a bit of a roller coaster. If I look back at his actions without being blinded by his words, I don't know that he ever really valued me once we got married.

Right after we met, there was a big burst of interest from him. That went on for a couple of months before I asked him to back off a bit. In hindsight, that was the first devaluation. He acted like I had mortally wounded him. I still wanted to hang out with him and be his friend. I really did like him and found him to be funny and cute. I just couldn't handle him coming by my work/school every chance he got just to say Hi. We weren't even dating at that point and were just hanging out as really good friends. It was clear that he wanted more even though I wasn't quite ready because I was in college and wanted to focus on my studies. When we started hanging out again, it didn't seem as intense. I thought that was a good thing. Turns out it wasn't. That was the first of many devaluations over the years.

[donkey2016]

About one and a half month of intense dating - we had the first crisis. He got really mad at something I said to him and that started the first angry outburst and the first time he "broke up" with me. Before I had time to leave his apartment he wanted to make up with me. I was so sad and unhappy even after we made up - I was so in love with him. I didn't understand why I was still being upset even after we made up.

Another time a few months later - crazy angry because I didn't want to move in with him (yes, the same as many others here on the board). Still I continued to stay with him - for five more years!

I agree with that we don't know half the time what's going on in their mind - probably they are going through cycles of idealization and devaluation of you on their own. I 'm happy to be unaware of some of it.

Donkey2016

[Duped 1]

It started in subtle ways probably 3-4 months in. She ramped it up some around month 6 of a 2 year relationship and really started going back and forth with idealization and devaluation. The first couple times she started in on me and I told her maybe it was time to end the relationship and she needed to think long and hard about what she wanted. Within a day or two she was nearly begging me to be with her. Hardcore devaluation where she couldn't seem to stop started at about 10 months or so.

Oh how I wish I would have left her in those early months.

[GlennT]

This question was asked here before, and I recall the average time of devaluation being 6mo-2yrs. In quite a few others though, it came much later, but the red flags were there. They just were'nt heeded. We were still craving and being fooled by their pathological disneyland love. The higher functioning BPD person can keep the act going a little longer, yet still blame you for everything in the end. Even they play the eternal victim role.   Using the abuse excuse againest our good reputation by saying it was a deficit in them that initially drew them to us, who were not good to them.