Is "no contact" the solution?

[Helplessly]

No contact is the solution.  Looking at it from a biological standpoint,  if human beings were stuck eternally grieving, we would never have evolved.  You have the mechanisms and the ability to heal.  But any form of contact; social media, texting, saying Happy Birthday... .whatever... .will keep you in the cycle.  Block everything.

I committed to it 100% and it worked.  I look at who I was 4 or 5 months ago and I don't recognize the person.  I literally have nothing but apathy for my ex.  And I was in my darkest place ever, due to more than a few circumstances.

No contact.  At all.  It is the cure.

[Skip]

No contact.  At all.  It is the cure.

If this was the case, then everyone on this advanced board would be cured.

No contact, or more accurately, not trying to recycle. is a strategy for 6 to 15 weeks after a breakup... .but it's no cure. The cure is in finding perspective, learning about why we struggled in the relationship and in the breakup , and making personal change/growth.

I've been here a while - I haven't seen anyone rise from the ashes that didn't make this leap from a "no contact" a centered healing plan.

[Hisaccount]

That is true Skip, but come on. No contact is a pretty awesome tool.

And yes I think it is a great healing tool, but no you are correct, it does nothing for personal growth.

Just like Helplessly, it certainly jump started my healing. It broke a barrier I could not pass on my own.

The duration of the relationship is probably a huge factor. I would break down with any contact.
Once no contact started the healing was exponentially better every day for me.

That was just healing my hurt. Reanimating the Zombie. For me growth and change started in therapy long before no contact but I certainly felt the benefits of NC.
NC allowed my joy and happiness to flourish. It allowed the stress and anxiety fade into the distance.

No more fear if that text, or ringing phone or that email is her.

 

[Shedd]

I completely agree with you.  It does work!

I have not contacted her for 3 months, and am finally finding myself again. I couldn't with her always peering over my shoulder.  Every relationship I tried to get into failed because she was still in my life.

I don't feel like I'm getting dragged back into the relationship anymore.  I always felt like I was going to end up being recycled again and parted me wanted that at the time.  I'm so glad I left. 

[babyducks]

For me, a period of No Contact was important to allow feelings to settle.   Much like Shedd said.    It was very difficult for me to heal while I was continually re-injuring myself.

But.    After a while it felt like the No Contact was more about my fear, anger, and hurt than anything else.
In a way, enforcing a strict no contact zone keeps me engaged with her.   If I didn't care about what she said and did; I wouldn't have to block her.   If she could still hurt me, or again as Shedd said 'drag me back', than I haven't cleaned up my side of the street.   At some level I am still engaged.
 
I want to Let Go.   and for me Letting Go means I stop trying to force outcomes, manufacture certainty and make people behave.  If I've let go of her and the past then it doesn't matter if she contacts me or not because I am now strong enough to handle my own feelings.    It doesn't mean I run out and establish contact.   In means her disordered behavior and actions no longer has an effect on me.    That's healing.
   

[heartandwhole]

I want to Let Go.   and for me Letting Go means I stop trying to force outcomes, manufacture certainty and make people behave.  If I've let go of her and the past then it doesn't matter if she contacts me or not because I am now strong enough to handle my own feelings.    It doesn't mean I run out and establish contact.   In means her disordered behavior and actions no longer has an effect on me.    That's healing.
   

Well said, 'ducks ! 

[once removed]

i agree with babyducks on this:

I want to Let Go.   and for me Letting Go means I stop trying to force outcomes, manufacture certainty and make people behave.  If I've let go of her and the past then it doesn't matter if she contacts me or not because I am now strong enough to handle my own feelings.    It doesn't mean I run out and establish contact.   In means her disordered behavior and actions no longer has an effect on me.    That's healing.

if NC were a cure, then if youre able to move to another country or state, you would automatically be healed. we have members 1-2, or more, years out that have not had contact but are still struggling mightily, and still counting the days.
  
most of the time i read someone say "ive gone NC" it means one of two things:

1. my ex is through with the relationship and i have stopped chasing and given up the pursuit.
2. my ex is contacting me and im getting some relief and feelings of power from ignoring them - silent treatment.

there are many approaches to detachment, none of which i would call a cure, just a tool.

when a relationship ends, it makes sense to take some space and time apart to grieve. its a healthy approach. most of the time, both partners go their separate ways. we have all been there. we dont consider ourselves to be "NC". we dont count the days. we grieve and move on.

with my uBPDex, we broke up badly and she jumped in another relationship. it made no sense at the time for either of us to contact the other. what i found healing was to grieve the loss of that. we havent spoken since, but if she were to reach out, it would not keep me in any cycle or threaten me in any way.

these distinctions matter when we advise others. "no contact" can be fraught with peril. it can be coupled with dubious intent, in which case it will fail. how many members have we seen go "NC" and then recycle the relationship? as another member recently reported, it can raise anxiety levels on both sides. if our goal is to detach, cutting off our exes can actually ramp up their contact efforts... .we often see members, when they are cut off by their exes, go to desperate lengths to have contact.

and of course if someone wants "no contact" with you, by no longer contacting them, are we "going NC", or respecting/accepting their wishes and giving up the pursuit?

the cure is grieving. NC, at best, can give you some space to do that. healing is understanding our wounds, and investing in our growth.

[bengaltropicat]

No contact is the only solution.  You just have to extricate yourself from the soup. 
The next step is to determine why you got in it and stayed in it.  In my case, the therapist kept bugging me about my father and the dynamic I grew up in.  I was not interested in revisiting that or admitting to it.  She was tough though and MADE ME.  She was right.  Having realized things I did not want to deal with, I learned slowly to forgive and not rush in to a co dependent situation again.  Will never forget but I have forgiven.  Forgiveness is not a pass to those who hurt you, it just allows you to move on.  Life is not perfect either.  Sometimes I pine for what could have been in my young life but never was because of the emotional quicksand I was stuck in.   No more.   You need to get professional help to make sure you do not fall into a BPD or other personality disorder or other mental illness.  I found that after years of being comfortable with the crazy train, I jump right back on again.  Now I'm more cautious and more in control of what I allow into my life. I learned the hard way but the important thing is that I learned.
 

[Pretty Woman]

I will agree with Skip on this one point: No Contact is NOT a Cure-All.

I have been no-contact for three years and I am still on this site. I struggle with the abandonment factor which I am very self-aware and know is my issue and really has nothing to do with my ex... .if anything, it was because of this relationship I realized I have this issue.

But I think in order to fully heal I cannot ever re-engage with my ex. I know her patterns. I know she re-appears in others lives sometimes years later, only to hurt them again... .a few have attempted suicide. I wouldn't put myself through that again, not willingly. No contact has given me time to get my head on straight and face my own issues head on.

I was not a good fit for my ex. I likely have traits of BPD myself. I contributed to the push/pull factor.
I can be as angry at my ex as I want but that's not going to help me in the long run. It's really delving deeper into yourself that will pull you out of this, and yes, no contact, removing yourself from a toxic situation can in many circumstances be very helpful!

[morningagain]

if NC were a cure, then if youre able to move to another country or state, you would automatically be healed. we have members 1-2, or more, years out that have not had contact but are still struggling mightily, and still counting the days.

   I resemble that remark... .
separated for over 5 years overall, the last 3 and a half years without face to face contact, over 1000 miles distance
it has taken me a long time to figure out some important stuff about myself, and healing has come in small steps for me, here and there.
i could not have reached the point i am at today without a number of lengthy periods (30 to 90 days) of absolute NC, but NC never resulted in healing, though it gave me the necessary space to try.

took me this long to give myself permission for self-forgiveness.  everyone else was 'worthy' of my forgiveness, but not me.  i finally saw that my own moral compass was injured, including by myself, but that moral compass is 'me' - the core of my self-identity, it is good, and deserving of forgiveness and healing.

[Reforming]

Hi Helplessy

It's a topic that's often discussed this board and at times it can cause a lot of confusion.

I think NC can be a very useful - particularly in the immediate
aftermath of a relationship. When a relationship breaks down in difficult circumstances any interaction can easily become toxic and highly charged.

Everyone needs some time to reboot and recenter themselves. This is a healthy and appropriate.

What you choose to do in the longer term depends hugely on the nature of your relationship and how it ended.

The key thing here is whether the relationship has ended. If it has the question I would ask yourself is what are your reasons for continued contact?

When there's children involved there's obviously a need to recalibrate the relationship in a way that allows you to coparent as well as possible. This can be very challenging but children deserve your best efforts.

Some couples manage to do this and remain friends or at least redefine their romantic relationship as a friendship - it's challenging but it's possible... There are many factors that play into this

Infidelity and betrayal can leave deep wounds and if your ex is with or married to their affair partner it can be very challenging.

Some relationships are a mutual parting - many aren't.

Some partners really struggle to accept the relationship is over and remain attached. This isn't a recipe for a healthy friendship.

When there are no children involved the landscape is very different. I went NC for a while after my relationship ended and I have had very limited contact with my ex since then.

I don't hate her and I don't need to enforce NC but I haven't encouraged contact either. There are various reasons for this;

Our relationship is over and in the past. I have grieved it and I'm moving on with my life.

My ex had an affair so trust was destroyed. She can be very selfish and generally treats her friends poorly. These are not qualities I would look for in a friend.

She is with her affair partner (he was married at the time) and they repeatedly hooked up in our home when I was away. I don't hate him but I would find it triggering to be around him.

My ex also has a range of other mental health issues that would make friendship very challenging

If I bumped into her somewhere I would be polite and friendly but I see no reason to seek contact. I hope she is ok but I don't feel that being friends with her would be healthy or productive for me.


Reforming

[Lost-love-mind]

 
I want to Let Go.   and for me Letting Go means I stop trying to force outcomes, manufacture certainty and make people behave.  

If I've let go of her and the past then it doesn't matter if she contacts me or not because I am now strong enough to handle my own feelings.    It doesn't mean I run out and establish contact.   In means her disordered behavior and actions no longer has an effect on me.    That's healing.
  

Excellent analysis. My T analysis was my BPD fear of abandonment was using Narcissism as a defensive mechanism to prevent people from abandoning me.
Controlling outcomes and manufacturing certainty.
learning about thyself and my dirty side of the street.
 We quickly feel and weigh what we suffer from others, but give little thought to what others suffer from us.

[Shedd]

 NC never resulted in healing, though it gave me the necessary space to try.

I really like that quote...  I think that's what I was getting at, but I didn't know how to say it right.  Perfect explanation of NC.

Though, I find myself thinking of her less and less because of NC.  It's def. a slow process though.  I have moments of really missing her especially around this type of year because that's when we met.  If I was still in contact with her I would be crushing all over again, and it would just be a love/hate relationship with her, and I would just wonder wether or not she was going to recycle me, again.

[morningagain]

  It's def. a slow process though.  I have moments of really missing her especially around this type of year because that's when we met.  If I was still in contact with her I would be crushing all over again, and it would just be a love/hate relationship with her, and I would just wonder wether or not she was going to recycle me, again.

one valuable resource for me when I went through those times (again and again... .) was going back and re-reading the lists here describing characteristics of healthy relationships, and characteristics of unhealthy relationships.  It helped to steel my resolve because I would not wish the unhealthy or toxic relationship on anyone, and if I were to get into a relationship again with anyone, I knew which kind of relationship I wanted, or even more fundamentally, which kind of relationship I would accept.