It's been a tough week

[SummerStorm]

I was doing really, really well for over a month, but this past week has been really tough.  Sunday was really good.  I went hiking and took some gorgeous pictures of a heron and a butterfly.   Then, the Las Vegas tragedy happened.  My ex-friend's mom and stepdad go to Las Vegas sometimes because it's a short plane ride from where they live (my ex-friend lives in the same state as me, far away from them), so I emailed her mom to make sure that they were okay.  She said that they luckily weren't there when it happened and that they were going to Hawaii for a vacation and that my ex-friend was flying out to take care of their house and pets.  Furthermore, her ex-boyfriend/best guy friend is going to fly out and spend five days there, too.  I didn't mention my ex-friend at all in the email; her mom is the one who brought her up.  I should have told her that I was just checking to make sure she was safe and didn't want any information on my ex-friend.  It really hurts that she has just moved on to new friends and acts like I never existed at all. 

On top of all of that, today is the one year anniversary of the death (suicide) of a student who attended the school where I work.  His stepsister is in one of my classes, and I had his stepbrother in class two years ago.  So, I was upset about the innocent lives that were lost in Las Vegas and upset about the anniversary of the student's death, and it brought up all of the emotions and helplessness I felt when my ex-friend tried to commit suicide.  Some of the other students at the school were being really insensitive about the student who died and were criticizing people who were wearing ribbons today for suicide awareness. 

I don't understand why so many people in the world have to be so hateful and cruel to each other. 

[Mutt]

Hi SummerStorm,

I’m sorry to hear that you had a difficult week  You might questioning your belief system after the tragic events in Vegas, I think that’s normal. If it goes on for more than a couple of weeks, I’d talk to your T. I’m glad that you checked in with us.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi SummerStorm,

That certainly is a tough week.  I feel for you.  How are you managing your feelings around all of this?  When things stack up like this it can feel somewhat overwhelming emotionally and I'm unsurprised that you felt especially sensitive to the students being inconsiderate.  I would be much the same.  They aren't thinking about anything past their own views, which to be fair are probably stemming from their parents' strong opinions on this topic.  It can be a sticky subject (I was quite opinionated about suicide until I became directly affected by it, and then all the hypothetical stuff falls by the wayside) for some people.  I'm sure they didn't realise the impact they could have.  Handling things like that, which is a very painful matter for those affected, can be difficult though.  I imagine you felt very protective of the student's siblings.  

Perhaps contacting your ex friend's mother was a learning experience which you can chalk up for future reference.  That's another way of framing it.  You know that confirmation of her activities has been upsetting for you.  Maybe you can treat it as a checkpoint in how you're doing regards your healing.  The way you spent your Sunday sounds wonderful, so it's clear you're doing positive things that give you enjoyment.  Keep these things going.  Spending time in nature is great for the soul and very restoring.  I love to capture beautiful images too when I get chance and find it really satisfying, especially if it is a wild creature as these photos are not easy to achieve.  

Consider this a 'patch' as I like to call them when they happen to me.  Overall, you're doing great.  Remember how far you've come.

Love and light x      

[SummerStorm]

Hi SummerStorm,

I’m sorry to hear that you had a difficult week  You might questioning your belief system after the tragic events in Vegas, I think that’s normal. If it goes on for more than a couple of weeks, I’d talk to your T. I’m glad that you checked in with us.

I don't have a therapist.  Thanks for your kind words, though.

[SummerStorm]

Harley Quinn,

Thanks for the kind words. 

I don't mind hearing if my ex-friend gets a job promotion or something, but hearing that she's bringing a friend to meet her parents and that she asked to bring one of her other friends when she visited in May (her mom didn't approve of that friend, so she said no) really hurts because I question why, if she's so close to these people, she's never pushed them away and hurt them like she's done to me.  It makes me question if she really has BPD (even though she's been diagnosed with it) and whether I should have worked harder to move past the bad things that happened before and been more open to starting our friendship over, from scratch, like she wanted to.  I kept pushing for answers from her and was constantly looking for cracks because it's hard for me to trust people once I've been hurt by them, regardless of whether or not they have a PD.  Months ago, even her mom, who has always been a neutral party and who has had her fair share of arguments with my ex-friend and who has given me good advice over the years, told me that I was pushing too hard and not opening myself up to the possibility that she was trying to fix our friendship.  She's definitely far from perfect, but I had noticed positive  changes in her, not due to mirroring but due to her realizing that she did and said terrible things in the past and no longer wanted to be that person.  I know that a pwBPD's words carry less weight than his or her actions, but I also saw her making plans with people and keeping them rather than canceling, communicating more with her mother, setting goals for herself, saving for a new apartment, and working really hard at her job. 

Ultimately, it's different for all of the friends she has now because they weren't there to witness her lowest point and haven't experienced the things I experienced.  They can just enjoy spending time with her without wondering if they're being used or manipulated.  Maybe I simply remind her of that dark time in her life, and no matter what I do or say, that will never change. 

But with everything that's happened in the past week, I wish I could at least get a goodbye from her and have the chance to wish her well.  This is the longest time I've ever been blocked, and I really don't think I'm ever going to get the chance to do that.

[Harley Quinn]

Your feelings are understandable.  Perhaps she has been doing the push pull dance with these people too or it just hasn't happened yet but will eventually.  I'm sure you gave it all you had and simply recognised when enough was enough for you.  There's a big difference between giving up on someone and knowing that.  It is exhausting and frankly dizzying going round in circles with somebody.  It's quite possible you're right, and that you became a trigger for her to the shame she may have felt around those darker times you went through together.  Who knows, she may work through it and find herself more able to reopen lines of contact with a new approach towards you. 

In the meantime, it sounds like a break from things is what you needed too, so it may be a good thing that you're not so embroiled right now.  Use the time to continue as you have been doing and perhaps you can both be in a healthier position if and when she is open to re engaging.  Try to see it as an opportunity for growth for both of you, as hard as it is.  Hopefully the people she is spending time with are being a positive influence to keep her on the right path.

Love and light x 

[SummerStorm]

Harley Quinn,

The people she's spending time with got her into gambling and vaping, and they drink a lot, so I'm not sure how good of an influence they are.

Today was a much better day.  Yesterday was, too.  I hiked and read yesterday, and I went shopping with my mom today.  I got some new Halloween decorations for my house/yard that are going to look really cool.

Her mom sent me a quick email to let me know that my ex-friend started getting snippy with her after about one day of being there, so that helps me to see that she didn't just magically change. 

[Harley Quinn]

Your weekend sounds loads of fun!  I am sure the kids in the area will love the fact you're decorating the place for Halloween.

Just a word of caution.  I'd be tempted to guard against any ongoing updates from her mother, as if this gets back to your ex friend in any way, she could interpret this as a betrayal - regardless of the fact it isn't instigated by you.  It might be an idea to send a polite reply wishing her mother well but that you'd prefer not to hear more about your ex friend.  I'm sure she will understand.  I'd hate for you to have a chance to get on a better footing in the future with this friend only to have the rug pulled due to something innocent which could be deemed worthy of a splitting black.  After all, I think even the healthiest individual might get upset at the thought of someone no longer in our lives keeping up a dialogue about us with a family member.  And if she can view it in a bad light, I'm pretty sure that most pwBPD would do.

Love and light x 

[SummerStorm]

Harley Quinn,

The email from her mom was partly my fault.  I emailed her to ask her for some advice, and she included that comment about her being really nice and crying tears of joy when she saw her mom and then quickly becoming snippy with her. 

At this point, there really is no more need for me to be communicating with her at all, so I won't be.  I don't think my ex-friend will ever contact me again.