Stumbled across the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and...

[Tigerlily123]

... .it shocked me.  It was like a heavy blanket had been lifted from my world.  I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years, and had already started to identify behaviors like splitting and projection.  My husband is quite a bit older than I am, so for the longest time, I believed him when he would tell me that I was the one with the problem.  He also moved us out in the middle of nowhere, far from my support system.  I tried going down the medication route, believing I was the one who was doing something wrong.  I have actively been involved with many therapists over the years, thinking that maybe someone else would validate that there was something wrong with me, and I could address and fix it.  All of that was to no avail.  I had a therapist early on tell me to run for my life.  I left her after that because that's not what I wanted to hear.  I did manage to work through some of my own issues though, so it wasn't a total waste of time.  I've always had low self-esteem, so addressing that issue was very productive.
So now, I've found this disorder that perfectly describes my husband, and I feel completely helpless to do anything about it.  I've never said "BPD" to him, that would go over very badly.  I have tried to motivate him to get help, under the guise of depression or anxiety.  He still won't listen.  He blows up and shuts me out.  I'm committed to my marriage, but I'm just about at the end of my rope.  I'm not sure what to do next.  I've threatened to leave, but that's not what I want to do.  I just want to make it through the day without crying over the relationship that it seems I'll never have.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mousemat]

A hello from down in Australia, and welcome - although I've been here less than a week myself.      I totally understand what you're saying - I found that book just two weeks ago, put it on my Kindle and read it secretly.  Amazing, I agree, although my initial attempts to put things into practice crashed & burned (I have a couple of other threads describing it, with brilliant help & responses from others).

I'm actually finding there is even more useful stuff thoughout this site, than there is in the book, so you're in the right place.

Best wishes for your journey, I look forward to reading about it in future.

[Meili]

Welcome Tigerlily!  Every time someone joins us, I'm sad that they are similarly burdened, but glad they have found us.  You have much in common with the members of this community, especially on the "Improving" board.  Many of us are in decades-long relationships, have had that stunning "aha" moment of learning about BPD, often by reading Eggshells, are committed to working in our relationships, but are grieving the loss of the relationship we once hoped we would have.  You fit right in!  We are each other's people

Another thing you said struck a chord with me -- that you'd figured out a bunch of things on your own as you tried to cope over the years.  As you learn more about BPD, and probably already while reading Eggshells, you may have seen that things fit into the pattern that you might not have thought were connected.  Another big realization is that even for those of us who muddled through without help for a long while, the relationship skills we can learn through books, through the resource links on this site, and through coaching each other can significantly reduce the drama and pain in our lives.

One can get the most out of this site by being a regular visitor and becoming part of the community.  Make your own posts to ask learning questions in calm times and to get support navigating the tough times.  Read the posts of others and reply; with your experience you are already in a position to help others.  Finally, take a look at all the reading available on this site.

Two questions for you:

Can you tell us about one coping trick that you picked up over the years, something you'd offer a friend as a nugget of wisdom if she found herself with a BPD partner?

Can you tell us about a difficulty in your relationship that you have that you'd like some advice on, something you'd like to discuss a bit and get feedback on?

Again, welcome!  We're looking forward to having you here with us!

Best,

Meili

[Tigerlily123]

Question 1
I've picked up quite a few coping tricks over the years, but I'm not sure how productive they are. My best one is to not engage. I can pretty clearly see when he's winding up, and internally locking up, so I've learned that to continue any sort of dialogue is going to leave me feeling broken and frustrated. Rather than suffer the misery, I walk away.

Question 2
Right now the biggest problem is communication. In the past there was physical, and verbal abuse, but I drew a line a long time ago, and for fear of legal repercussion I don't think he will cross that line again. I did push the issue of him getting help a few weeks ago to the point that he used his body to push me out of the room. I take responsibility for that one though, because I was intentionally provoking him. I thought maybe if I pissed him off enough it would wake him up. It didn't. He still calls me a "piece of ___" from time to time, but I've learned to not take it personally. I know that it's himself that he's hating, not me.
It's funny, when I was reading the book, and the tools, I found myself nodding a lot, because they're things that I already do with him. The problem, at least for me, is that while he feels heard, he doesn't want to listen. He refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong, and is convinced that what he says should be the beginning and end of a conversation. Even when I wait until he's fully said his piece, and I've successfully paraphrased to show him I understand, he's unwilling to let me speak. He shuts me down and refuses to continue the conversation. It's infuriating, but rather than create a worse situation, I feel like I have to stuff my feelings and let him continue to think that I'm just a dumb woman who doesn't know what the heck she's talking about.

[Meili]

I've picked up quite a few coping tricks over the years, but I'm not sure how productive they are. My best one is to not engage. I can pretty clearly see when he's winding up, and internally locking up, so I've learned that to continue any sort of dialogue is going to leave me feeling broken and frustrated. Rather than suffer the misery, I walk away.

Excellent, yes, that's a good one.  Have you come across the acronym JADE yet in your reading?  If not, check it out; it may help you further refine this strategy.

In the past there was physical, and verbal abuse, but I drew a line a long time ago, and for fear of legal repercussion I don't think he will cross that line again.

Outstanding!  Good on you.  It can be tough to figure out how to draw that line and enforce it, so I'm glad for you.  Just curious, did you have outside help, or did you figure it out on your own?  How did you make it happen?  I know that's not currently where you are now, but others can learn from your experience.

I did push the issue of him getting help a few weeks ago to the point that he used his body to push me out of the room. I take responsibility for that one though, because I was intentionally provoking him. I thought maybe if I pissed him off enough it would wake him up. It didn't.

Right.  You got a little lucky on that one.  Sounds like you might avoid that strategy next time?

He still calls me a "piece of ___" from time to time, but I've learned to not take it personally. I know that it's himself that he's hating, not me.

Ouch.  Good that you've learned to depersonalize it, that can be a helpful strategy.  I'm still sorry you have to manage with that, though.  Frankee was commenting on this today on another thread:

It's hard to stand up to the verbal attacks when they really know what to say to cut you just right.  Especially if you have been with them awhile and they know your dark secrets and your past mistakes.

Right now the biggest problem is communication.

It's funny, when I was reading the book, and the tools, I found myself nodding a lot, because they're things that I already do with him. The problem, at least for me, is that while he feels heard, he doesn't want to listen. He refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong, and is convinced that what he says should be the beginning and end of a conversation. Even when I wait until he's fully said his piece, and I've successfully paraphrased to show him I understand, he's unwilling to let me speak. He shuts me down and refuses to continue the conversation. It's infuriating, but rather than create a worse situation, I feel like I have to stuff my feelings and let him continue to think that I'm just a dumb woman who doesn't know what the heck she's talking about.

This is super frustrating.  Frankly, it feels like I'm in a similar place in my relationship.  I *do* occasionally get to say my piece, and we can have a deep, "normal" relationship conversation, if rarely.  This typically happens when we have had a lot of low stress time together, her needs are met, I'm validating, etc. -- the same things you'd need to set the stage for good conversation in a "normal" marriage, but we are way more vulnerable to perturbations -- the "weather" has to be nearly perfect.  :)on't give up.  Perhaps adjust your expectations about how often these balanced conversations will happen, and how much legwork has to go into setting up the right conditions for them, but you can do it!  Two other good techniques are JADE and DEARMAN.  Have you heard of them?  But my favorite is validation -- I find it the easiest to use and it has the best success rate for me.

As a side note, If you want to decorate your posts with a beautiful tiger lilly avatar or something else, look at this thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59213.0
particularly, Reply #7.

Meili

[mousemat]

It's funny, when I was reading the book, and the tools, I found myself nodding a lot, because they're things that I already do with him.

That's really impressive.