communication guidelines?

[parent66]

My ex and I are still in the middle of divorcing. We have agreed to guidelines around when we text versus message through the messaging program, Our Family Wizard, but she keeps violating them (she decides everything is time-sensitive).

Do people have communication guidelines in their parenting agreements or divorce decrees they are willing to share?

Thank you!

[livednlearned]

Most people with BPD are impulsive and compelled by emotions. Even if she agreed to the guidelines, abiding them goes against how BPD tends to impact functioning. Unfortunately, that means you have to uphold the boundaries in ways that work for you.

How do you respond when she texts you?

[flourdust]

Agree with lnl on this. I have been in a similar situation. The easiest and most low-stress way to handle this is to manage how you respond.

Your ex communicates however and whenever s/he wants. It may be anything from annoying to infuriating to you, and that's understandable! But trying to get them to change will only ... .wait, what's the expression? ... .oh, yes ... ."“Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”

Instead, how about you choose to only respond via OFW messages? If your ex sends you 20 messages and texts, and none of them are really the-kid-is-in-the-ER critical, then wait until the end of the day, look through them all, and write a BIFF response in OFW.

If your ex sends you fifteen texts including only one question, your OFW response is just the answer to that question. Ignore the rest.

Eventually, you'll train him/her... .

[parent66]

These are very helpful (and spot on!) suggestions! Thank you! I get caught up in a fantasy that my ex is finally going to behave respectfully and follow guidelines, but it's a fantasy... .

[Turkish]

The wrestling with pigs analogy,  ,  classic... .

Let us know how it goes p66.

I've found that by engaging in some ways I was used to in the r/s,  I often enabled the drama.  BIFF is good (you've seen the tool,  right?) "Just the facts ma'am." Or "man" for wives.  The Improving tools in Lesson #3 on that board can help as well.  This is still a BPD relationship after all,  even if not together.