New member fed up with BPD mother

[Azalia]

Hi,


Im Azalia.

The past few days have been horrible and I find myself here. Im an adult child of a mother with BPD who is untreated.

She says I abuse her, but she actually abuses me.

She doesnt remember things she has said.

If I roll my eyes, I have abused her.

If Im not smiling, Im angry at her.

She doesnt want respect, she wants to be worshiped.

24/7 I am criticized.

She wants love and kindness but how can I give that to her when she has completely destroyed this relationship?

[Turkish]

There's a lot unsaid here, but I can see your pain.  In what ways does she abuse you? I'm assuming you live together?

[Panda39]

Hi Azalia,

Wecome to the BPD Family 

You're not alone in the types of behaviors you are experiencing everyone on this site has a person with BPD in their life and we all "get it". 

Are you still living at home?  If not how much contact are you having with your mom?  Is it in person, phone, text, or email?  Do you have any siblings?  Is your dad in the picture? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to get a little more detail on what your situation looks like.

If I roll my eyes, I have abused her.

This made me smile because I am an eye roller too, do you think there is a 12 step program for that?    I think having someone with BPD in our lives just makes the eye rolling disease so much worse!  I think I might have actually seen my own brain a time or two... .I'm just teasing but of course eye rolling is not abuse, it might not be polite but it is not abuse   

24/7 I am criticized.

I'm on these boards because my significant other has an uBPDxw so my mom does not have BPD.  However, I do have a very critical mom.  For years... .about 45 of them... .I tried to please her, to be who she wanted me to be, I felt that I wasn't good enough, smart enough... .just enough. Then I realized that all of her criticism is about her, and her issues, and how I reflect on her.  It wasn't about me at all.  I have many people in my life that think I'm great just the way I am and I think that too.  I finally came to the conclusion that my mom and I are just a bad fit, I will never be who she wants me to be and she will never be who I want her to be. (Radical Acceptance)

Knowing that has made it easier for me when she says something hurtful.  I just think to myself, that's about her, it isn't about me and I let it go.  It stopped hurting when I stopped believing it.

Below is a link to more on Radical Acceptance... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Panda39

[Azalia]

There's a lot unsaid here, but I can see your pain.  In what ways does she abuse you? I'm assuming you live together?

She is also a recovering alcoholic and Im stuck in the endless pit of guilt and helplessness for not being kinder to her because it seems to be all she asks for. However, with the constant criticism and regular rages I get from her. She is currently on disability and I have to buy her cigarettes every day, sometimes twice a day lest I feel more of her wrath. She has drained me financially and emotionally. She is seeing a therapist now, was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse and is on cymbalta and hydroxyzine.



I wish I could call her doctor and discuss her BPD because I know my mom will never show it to the therapist and she will be left undiagnosed and untreated.


I do live with her. Ive got another few years left here before I have enough money to move out.


Shes a classic black and white thinker who is always putting me in "no-win" situations. There is no talking to her because all she sees is what she feels and take zero responsibility.


When I rolled her eyes at her yesterday and she said it was abuse, I retreated to my room. Hours later, she asked me a question very harshly so I asked if she was going to be rude the rest of the night and she threw bread at me.

She ate out of the cole slaw container and my sister get, "get a bowl." I added, "yeah youre getting germs in it." She threw a temper tantrum like a 4 year old, slamming it shut and stomping off. Mind you, we said those things in a less short-manner and in a funnier way than is written here.

[Azalia]

I have an older sister who is currently back at now with my mom and I. She lived on her own for a number of years before coming back. Before she left, the wrath was mostly on her and I was the golden child. But when she was gone and it was me and my mother, I became the focus. Now that my sister is back, she does an amazing job at acting like everything is fine and acts as if she is happy and unfazed just to appease my mother. I have a very hard time doing that. When my mom rages, I rage back.

I agree. the criticism is a projection and not personal and Im sorry that you endured what you did. I know exactly why my mom is the way she is and why she does what she does even when its not logical. I can predict the outcome and journey through every fight we have. But in the moment, which is often, its hard to depersonalize. The trick to that is radical acceptance?

[igiveup8]

i m new here and not sure how to reply or post and currently as we speak being viciously abused verbally and emotionally by my mom

90yo with BPD n alzhiemer's combined

family are ... .i m shaking right now my heart is racing and i m trying soo hard

i have no where to go      i feel i am in a prison    with continuous unrelenting ... .crap whatever   i cant even finish a thought she is now turning the tv up blarring and banging on a table     while mocking me ridiculing me and singing mean sh#@

she is incontinent   and

to understand they do not mean it it is an illness ... .  a person is being beaten by someone standing over them continupusly unrelentingly beating them over and over ... .and someone says calmly to the person beat to hell and bearly functioning "understand they do not mean to hurt you it is just an illness"   

[Panda39]

When my mom rages, I rage back.

I thought I'd mention JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Try not to JADE when your mom starts pushing your buttons it can help keep the argument from escalating and going round and round.  It feels hard to do at first but when you argue back, or defend your actions you can actually be feeding the drama, and drama... .engagement with you is what she wants.

You might also consider setting some boundaries.  When she starts raging could you leave the room, or go for a walk for example?

Below are some links on JADE and Arguments that you might find helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92025.0

The trick to that is radical acceptance?

For me it came with the realization that I was lovable, and smart, and funny... .just a wonderful person just the way I am and truly believing that.  Realizing that I was a good person even though I wasn't who she wanted me to be.  I stopped trying to prove to my mom that I was good, smart, perfect and that yes I could be all the things she wanted me to be, but that wasn't who I am.  I became my authentic self... .simply me and I no longer felt "less than" by being me.

I also had some interactions with my mom where I was able to be both observer and participant... .this might fall under mindfulness.  It was fascinating to watch my mom and I interact, like I would watching 2 strangers talking on the street.  This really helped me see my mom, not as the all powerful being I once had but instead the insecure human that was worried about what other people would think about her and by extension me.

More on acceptance and mindfulness... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111415.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111031.0

Panda39

[Rock Chick]

She says I abuse her, but she actually abuses me. She doesnt remember things she has said. If I roll my eyes, I have abused her. If Im not smiling, Im angry at her. She doesnt want respect, she wants to be worshiped. 24/7 I am criticized. She wants love and kindness but how can I give that to her when she has completely destroyed this relationship?

Sounds a lot like my bf's malignant BPD etc 54 yr old mother. Although she rarely uses if ever the word 'Abuse'. Every action, every behavior, every word etc she says/does/behaves like etc she puts on to everyone else esp. my bf and I. She suffers from 'Not My Fault' Syndrome and 'Forever Victim Mentality' Syndrome as some like to call it. She is always the innocent one she is never the one that starts things nor the one who causes things. She is verbally, emotionally, mentally abusive towards everyone esp. my bf and I. She is even dishes out to some degree other kinds of abuse or something close to it. His mother also like yours doesnt remember what she says at all or if she remembers anything she said most of what she will say she said is distorted and contains very lil of actual words. She will criticize both my bf and I one of us more than other at times. It is hard to show and have love and kindness for someone who is like we have both described. Sometimes I think only show love and kindness if that is given if its not given then dont be rude by any means but ya Idk how to word what I wanted to say there . Hugs.

[Rock Chick]

She is also a recovering alcoholic and Im stuck in the endless pit of guilt and helplessness for not being kinder to her because it seems to be all she asks for. However, with the constant criticism and regular rages I get from her. She is currently on disability and I have to buy her cigarettes every day, sometimes twice a day lest I feel more of her wrath. She has drained me financially and emotionally. She is seeing a therapist now, was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and substance abuse and is on cymbalta and hydroxyzine.

My bf's malignant BPD etc mother is also an alcoholic, smokes almost as much as your mom and on disability. I cant really say she is a recovering alcoholic as she still drinks heavily every week if not every few weeks and every time or almost every time she does the cops and ambulances are called. She too has a hissy fit or goes into an angry rage etc if she doesn't get her 3 or more packs a week on Monday etc. My bf used to be the one to pay for her cigarettes and cigars now its not as much but still sometimes each month. I wish my bf's mother was still seeing a psychologist but she stopped going because she said it was too expensive (which it wasnt as her insurance which she doesnt pay a dime for cuz its government funded paid for every dime). In actuality the guy retired and she took that as an easy way out and now doesnt see anyone one on one. The most close she has to seeing someone for her mental health issues is a counselor at Interact program which is more of a group therapy thing. That does not help her at all and no meds are helping either and she refuses to take anything else and we really are starting to doubt she takes her meds each day. Rambling sorry. My psychologist told me once when it comes to her and anyone like her... .'you and your bf didnt cause your bfs mother problems you cant fix them either only she can. All you can do is take care of yourself and set boundaries and use things like medium chill and if things dont get better you and your bf have to decide if you want your bfs mother in your life or not'.