How to end it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm in the limbo between boards.  There doesn't seem to be any board for How to end a relationship.

I have been hanging out in Conflicted and Just Tolerating a Relationship, but I now realise I want to end the relationship.
I'm a full-time employed teacher, she (uBPDwife) is a SAHM. We have been married 5 years. We have a 4 year old son.
We have barely been on speaking terms for a couple of years.  Our communication is mostly transactional and roommate-style.  There is zero affection between us, no kind words, no touching and it's been 7 months since we had sex which was passionless and very one-sided.

We lurch from argument to argument, triggered by things that neurotypicals wouldn't even think to get upset about.

We haven't talked about separating or divorce - I think she's just content to get her basic needs met in terms of money, food, house and childcare from me so she's unlikely to pull the proverbial trigger no matter how miserable the relationship is.

But I have decided enough is enough. 
What should I be aware of?  How would you recommend I proceed?  What are sensible first steps?

[Dragon72]

I'm in the limbo between boards.  There doesn't seem to be any board for How to end a relationship.

I have been hanging out in Conflicted and Just Tolerating a Relationship, but I now realise I want to end the relationship.
I'm a full-time employed teacher, she (uBPDwife) is a SAHM. We have been married 5 years. We have a 4 year old son.
We have barely been on speaking terms for a couple of years.  Our communication is mostly transactional and roommate-style.  There is zero affection between us, no kind words, no touching and it's been 7 months since we had sex which was passionless and very one-sided.

We lurch from argument to argument, triggered by things that neurotypicals wouldn't even think to get upset about.

We haven't talked about separating or divorce - I think she's just content to get her basic needs met in terms of money, food, house and childcare from me so she's unlikely to pull the proverbial trigger no matter how miserable the relationship is.

But I have decided enough is enough. 
What should I be aware of?  How would you recommend I proceed?  What are sensible first steps?

[flourdust]

Hi, Dragon72! This is the right board if you want to talk through your decision and work on untangling the emotional and relationship issues. There's also the Family Law board for more of the pragmatic decisions around legally separating or divorcing.

[Mutt]

Hi Dragon72,



I think there’s other options. You identified that there’s an issue with conflict / communication.

Have you stopped JADE’ing on your end? Have you tried the communication tools?

It takes two tango. It takes one to stop.

[Dragon72]

Yes I have tried the communication tool like SET and validation and not JADEing with no real success. 

I think I am just coming to the realization that she has never loved me, and never trusted me, and that's not going to change no matter what I do, or don't do, to be lovable and trustworthy.

If there's no love and no trust, what's the point of a relationship?

[Mutt]

Yes I have tried the communication tool like SET and validation and not JADEing with no real success.

How long were you using these tools?

If there's no love and no trust, what's the point of a relationship?

I agree with you and not trying to talk you out of anything, a pwBPD don't trust themselves and don't trust others because they suspect that the person will eventually abandon them. They don't realize that they have their own hand in this with maladaptive coping skills and destructive behaviors. My point is that it's a part of the disorder and don't take the behavior ( not trusting you ) personally, it's something that she's going through and it's not necessarily because of your actions or who you are.